Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.

Story 429: Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Never?

 (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Agitatedly typing a sternly-yet-politely worded e-mail; conversely, <DING> is heard every time an e-mail is received) “And take that you mumble-mumble-mumble.”  That felt good to write; now backspace-backspace-backspace….

Coworker 2: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk and drops a large pile of folders right next to the keyboard) Here you go – bye.  (Starts to trot away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Hang on a second – (Coworker 2 swings back around) what the blazes is this?!

Coworker 2: `Member when it was announced that the head of Marketing left and all the work was going to be divvied up across the company rather than go through the trauma of hiring and training someone who’ll just wind up leaving in a year?

Coworker 1: …Vaguely.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Well, this is your bit.  (Pats the towering pile of folders lovingly) All these files need follow-up, and at some point also need to be scanned into the database, `cause paperless is the future.

Coworker 1: (Grabs a few random folders to flip through) But there’re hundreds of pages here!

Coworker 2: I know, and I even gave you one of the smaller piles `cause I’ve got weak arms.  Everyone else here is quietly freaking out about this, if it makes you feel any better.

Coworker 1: (Tossing folders haphazardly across the desk; another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward) It doesn’t!  When exactly am I supposed to do all this when I’m already behind on my regular stuff and on stuff not even assigned to me yet?!

Coworker 2: I dunno – maybe during bathroom breaks?

Coworker 1: Gross.  (Holds up one of the folders) And how’m I supposed to follow up on something like this; the last update’s almost two years old!

<DING>

Coworker 2: (Peers over at the page) Huh.  Guess it’s not high priority.

Coworker 1: (Tosses the folder back onto the pile) Un-flipping-believable.  Wait, I take it back: it’s completely believable since it’s the way every company has ever operated.  (Leans back into the chair and squeezes eyes shut as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 2: Seems to me if nothing’s been done on that file for two years, then no one’s going to be looking for it anytime soon – you probably could let it go even longer and no one would notice.

Coworker 1: (Eyes fly open) Hm?

Coworker 2: I’m thinking a lot of files in there are like that: so far overdue, what’s another few days?  Or months?

Coworker 1: (Dreamily) Or years….

Coworker 2: I find most of my own work is like that: a lot of people make you feel like you have to get everything done right away, but 90% of the time, 90% of the work can be done late.  Even hard deadlines can be negotiated with… 90% of the time.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the piles of work on the desk and the files of work on the computer) I never realized.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Yeah, it’s great when you do: it’s the reason why I’m the only one in my department who actually takes a lunchbreak.

Coworker 1: You take lunchbreaks?!

Coworker 2: I do indeed.  And so can you, if you don’t let all this – (Gestures to the piles as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) get the best of you.  Bye.  (Trots away)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: (Turns to the computer and sees the massive amount of unread e-mails received in the past five minutes) Suppose I don’t have to answer them this exact second….

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) Have you started working on the Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Serenely typing a wellness check e-mail to a work friend) They’re my first priority.

<DING>

Manager: OK….

Coworker 1: After I finish the project you gave me last week.

Manager: Oh.  All right, but I would’ve preferred you’d finished that one, you know, last week.

Coworker 1: So would I, but alas: life.  (Nods at a coworker passing by who drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>

Manager: Hm.  Any idea when you’re going to finish that project, then?

Coworker 1: All in good time.

Manager: How about tomorrow?

Coworker 1: If it’s the will of the gods, then `twill be done.

Manager: It’s the will of me, so do it!  And start working on the Marketing files ASAP; I’ve got Corporate breathing down my neck about them and they’ll never realize the irony of the situation they’ve placed themselves and all of us in.

Coworker 1: No one ever does.  (Holds up a cup and saucer) Like some tea?

Manager: Not especially, no.  Now get back to work; I’ve let you lollygag long enough.  (Trots away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Will do.  (Sips tea and gently sighs) So this is what it feels like to be one with the universe.

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) So, did you start on those Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Lying facedown on a long table while a massage therapist does their thing) All in good time.

Manager: The good time is now!  Are you telling me you haven’t looked at one of these yet?!  (Picks up a folder to shake at Coworker 1 as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Coworker 1: Oh, I did.

Manager: And?!

Coworker 1: They’re very pretty.

<DING>

Manager: You’re supposed to be following up on these projects!

Coworker 1: (Turns on side as the massage therapist adjusts position) Did you know, about 90% of things in life labelled as “Priority” really aren’t?

Manager: What?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: And probably 95% of projects in general can be left completely undone and no one either would ever notice or call you out on it?

Manager: That’s not true!  I’d notice, and I most definitely will call you out on it!

Coworker 1: Yes, but why stress yourself?

Manager: Because they have to be done for this company to function!  Now get going!

<DING>

Manager: (Glances at the computer screen full of unread e-mails, then back at Coworker 1) You gonna answer any of those?!

Coworker 1: (Rolls back onto stomach) All in good time.

Manager: (Tosses the file onto the desk and trots away, muttering) Why do I stress myself?

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) This is the last time I’m going to ask you –

Coworker 1: (Knitting a blanket) Oh good, that’s a relief.

<DING>

Manager: Did you, or did you not, start working on those Marketing files, and so help me if you say “All in good time”!

Coworker 1: (Drops a stitch and unravels a section to redo it) I did.

Manager: (Blinks a few times) Oh.  Took the wind out of my sails a bit there, but that’s a good thing.  How far’d you get?

Coworker 1: Mm?  Oh, I’ll show you.  (Gently places the blanket and knitting needles onto a workbench, opens a file cabinet drawer, pulls out a thin folder, and drops it onto the desk) That far.

Manager: (Stares at the folder for a few moments, then slowly back up at Coworker 1) You have five seconds to convince me why I shouldn’t fire you effective immediately.

<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: Well, you asked me if I started working on the files, and I started.  Pretty much everything’s so far behind, no one seems to really care at this point if it takes another decade to work on them again, so what’s the rush?

Manager: You’re –

Coworker 1: And if you fire me, all of my projects then will be divvied up amongst all of you, and the vicious cycle continues.  (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Manager: – a real pain in my frontal cortex.  (Trots away)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the 5,378 unread e-mails, then slowly sips a smoothie) Aaaaaah, perfection.  And I love the meditative background music these alerts provide.  (Cell phone rings; checks caller ID and frowns in confusion while answering) Hi – everything OK?

<DING>

Partner: (On the phone) Everything’s fine, I just wanted to let you know I made an appointment for a quote on the new fence.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

Partner: Yeah, they’re sending over somebody on Saturday, so you just need to clear the stuff out of the backyard like I’d mentioned a few months ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few weeks ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few days ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So once that’s all done, maybe we can finally get the fence replaced like we’ve been talking about for years.

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So….

Coworker 1: Uh-huh?

Partner: You think you can clear out the backyard before the weekend?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-

Coworker 1: (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) All in good time.

Story 423: Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is on the desk phone while clicking the computer’s mouse frantically and tapping the computer’s keys harshly)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. (Click-click-click-CLICK, tap-tap-TAP-TAP-TAP) But I – no, go ahead…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP) Yeah, but…. I’m trying, but…. Uhhh-huhhh…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP-TAP.  CLICK-CLICK-CLIIIIIICK – ) Oops….  What?  No, sorry, my computer’s acting up, I have to call I.T., you mind if we talk about this later?... Yeah-thanks-bye.  (Disconnects the call, slams the receiver onto the cradle, grabs either side of the computer’s monitor, and slowly leans forward to gently crash into the screen)

Coworker 2: (Peers over the top of the neighboring cubicle wall) Bad day?

Coworker 1: Always.  I think that means the problem is me: it can’t be that everyone in the world has lost their minds, so it must be me, right?

Coworker 2: Probably.  Still, sometimes it helps to just walk away from it all for a little bit.

Coworker 1: (Picks up the phone again) Shyeah, right; first I have to call I.T. to fix the computer I just crashed, and then I have to figure out a way to keep working on the 50 billion simultaneous projects going on here, without a computer, while more “emergency” projects are lining up in the wings waiting to make their entrance stage left, so, no break for me, or anybody, ever.

Coworker 2: (Now leaning on the top of the cubicle wall) Well, the work’ll still be here when you get back, plus there’ll always be more no matter what you do, and it really isn’t that bad if the majority of them are finished late, so you might as well step away from all of it even for a few minutes.  I find it usually clears my head and helps me figure out stuff I thought was unsolvable – changed my life.

Coworker 1: (While on hold) Hmmmmm….

I.T. Automated Attendant: Please continue to hold.  Your call is very – ah, forget it, we’ll get to you when we can get to you, all right?!  (Heavy metal starts playing as the hold music)

Coworker 1: (Raises an eyebrow at the receiver, then hangs up; looks up at Coworker 2) You know what?  I’m going to take your advice and go walk around here for five-ish minutes, right now.  (Stands and walks out of the cubicle) Thanks!

Coworker 2: No problem.  (Lowers back to the desk and resumes writing programs to embezzle company funds)

(Coworker 1 navigates the cubicle maze, a spring in the step emerging as the minutes tick on.  After passing by a certain one, Coworker 3 leans out of the cubicle without getting up from the chair)

Coworker 3: Hey!

Coworker 1: (Hesitates, then turns around) Hm?

Coworker 3: How’s the computer?

Coworker 1: Oh, still waiting for I.T. to fix it.

Coworker 3: (Laughs in disgust) They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Coworker 1: (In a small voice) Not really.

Coworker 3: (Finally stands and walks over to Coworker 1) Listen, continuing our conversation from earlier, you really need to start –

Coworker 1: (Grabs cell phone out of pants pocket and looks at the blank screen) Ah jeez, debt collector’s calling me again – (Holds phone up to ear, one finger out to Coworker 3, and starts walking away) Sorry, gotta take this – (To the phone) Yeah, whaddya want now?... Well, the money’s not gonna magically appear whenever you decide to call me, now is it?

Coworker 3: (Returns to desk, muttering) Weirdo.

(Coworker 1 returns to desk, sighs, and signs back into the computer)

Coworker 1: (After resuming work in a few applications) Wait a minute, this is working just fine now, how’d that even happen?

Coworker 2: (Voice through the wall) It probably needed a break, too.

Coworker 1: Well, your advice worked – I feel much better now and ready to tackle the rest of the day, so thanks again!

Coworker 2: Sure thing.  Least I could do before all is revealed.

Coworker 1: What?

Coworker 2: What?

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is attending a video conference while in the cubicle)

Speaker: (On the computer screen) – and according to our projections, if we continue to somehow keep losing money even while operating at a profit –

Coworker 1: (Picks up the non-ringing desk phone) Hello?  (Mouths to the camera “Gotta take this,” turns the camera off, hangs up the phone, and strolls out of the cubicle, whistling) I could get used to this.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In a conference room)

Manager: Now I’m going to put on the 45-minute video that’ll cover what we’ve been discussing for the last 45 minutes.  (Coworker 4 raises hand) Yes?

Coworker 4: Is it animated?

Manager: No.

Coworker 4: Shucks.

(Manager dims the lights and brings up the video to display on a large screen)

Coworker 1: Ooh, you know what, I forgot my pen and notepad at my desk – buried there somewhere – start without me!  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: (Icy whisper) Find your pen?

Coworker 1: No, so I had to settle for a pencil.

Manager: (Looks down at Coworker 1’s hands) So where is it?  And the pad?!

Coworker 1: (Also looks down at hands) Huh.  Knew I was forgetting something.  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: [Grinds teeth at Coworker 1]

Coworker 1: (Relaxedly settles back in a chair, tossing the notepad and pencil on the table) Aaaah, so, where are we?

Coworker 4: (Leaning on hand) Pretty much the end.

Coworker 1: Yay – I mean, too bad.  Can anyone fill me in?

Coworker 4: Probably not.  (Gestures at the dozing attendees)

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Coworker 1’s cubicle)

Coworker 3: (Standing over the seated Coworker 1) – and you never listen, you just do whatever you want to do because you know better, everybody else here may like you but I know you’re just the worst, and – (Coworker 1 stands up and walks past Coworker 3) Hey, where’re you going?

Coworker 1: Away.  (Takes the elevator to the ground floor and goes sits in the nearby garden that none of the other employees ever visit)

Coworker 3: (Stands in the hallway staring after Coworker 1 long after the latter has left, then notices that Coworker 2, wearing summer clothes and carrying a suitcase, also is watching from around the cubicle corner) Can you believe that one?

Coworker 2: Yes.

Coworker 3: So rude!  No – so unprofessional! 

Coworker 2: …You project a lot of your insecurities onto other people’s motives, you know that?

Coworker 3: (Shifts away to leave) Maybe.

Coworker 1: (In the garden, leans down to sniff a rose and stops) Ooh, a butterfly!  How serene.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) Sit down, please.  (Coworker 1 does so) First of all, you may have heard by now that your cubicle neighbor managed to embezzle millions of dollars from this company by installing a program that pretended to prevent that exact event from occurring.  The irony is lost on no one.

Coworker 1: (In a reverent whisper) They walked away….

Manager: (Pauses) Yeah, that brings me to my next point: seeing as our insurance covers some of the loss but not all of it, and you’ve been demonstrating a very absentee attitude toward your job lately, we decided to recoup some of this debacle by terminating you – and several dozen of your colleagues.

Coworker 1: (Stands abruptly) But it works!  Walking away has solved everything – I’ve never been more productive!

Manager: Yes you have: your work started getting better for a few days, but the more mini-breaks you take the fewer projects I’ve been seeing actually getting done.  This week alone I think you’ve been in that garden out there for more hours than you were at your desk!

Coworker 1: It’s very calming!

Manager: I’m sure it is – go find another one to help you cope in your battle with Unemployment.  (Dismissively waves away Coworker 1 to be escorted by a Security Officer, and prepares to call in Coworker 3 next)

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to the cubicle and is handed a box by the Security Officer to clean out the desk) Wow, I never realized I’d brought so much junk in here.  (Sets down the box and turns to leave the cubicle) This is all a bit overwhelming right now – maybe if I just walked away from it for a little bit –

Security Officer: (Blocks exit) Nothing doing: I want to keep this job. 

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to piling stuff into the box) You know, I still think it was good advice, but I forgot one thing.

Security Officer: What’s that?

Coworker 1: Everything in moderation.

Story 380: Defeated by a Domino Effect Day

 (At an office, Coworker 2 flips through a pile of papers at a desk, winces when getting a paper cut, and stares at the finger in fascination)

Coworker 2: I will never get over how something so soft can cut like a knife.  Probably revenge of the trees.

(Coworker 1 enters the office in a tizzy, carrying several bags and looking like a hot mess)

Coworker 1: (Throws the bags onto the floor at the desk next to Coworker 2) Yes, I know I’m late, I know I’m supposed to be on that conference call, stop judging me with your silence.  (Starts changing from boots to shoes)

Coworker 2: (Putting on a bandage) Hm?  I’m too busy bleeding over here to care about you right now.

Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer) Good, `cause it’s not even 8:00 yet and I’m already having a day.

Coworker 2: You too?  Mine’s been a peach.

Coworker 1: Yeah, well, the heat in my apartment’s still broken, and I have damp clothes on because the clothes dryer’s also still broken, and I got stuck in the permanent traffic jam on the way here, and just now I fell in the icy parking lot and somebody saw it!

Coworker 2: Oh no, you fell?!  Are you hurt?

Coworker 1: Nah, that’s all fine, but it’s so embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Never mind.

Coworker 1: (Starts dialing on the desk phone) Ssh now, I have to call in for this.  (Navigates the prompts, then places the phone on speaker)

Voice: – not that anyone cares, but this metric went up 0.5% last quarter, so, yay.  Now let’s hear from the fourth floor and whatever’s going on there.

Coworker 1: (Hits a few buttons on the phone) Hi, it’s the fourth floor: we had a slight setback this year in, you know, everything –

Voice: Fourth floor, you there?

Coworker 1: (Hits the same buttons on the phone) Hi, can you hear me?

Voice: Guess we’ll have to skip them forever and move on to my favorite part: budget cuts.

Coworker 1: (Slamming fists onto the phone) I’m right here!  Why does no one hear me?!

Voice: You’ll be happy to learn that the first cut is my position, so, yay.  Bye.  (Call ends)

Coworker 1: (Rips the phone off the desk and throws it at the wall) Why didn’t anyone hear me??!!

Coworker 2: I certainly did – I think you might’ve hit the wrong button when trying to unmute yourself, though.

Coworker 1: It knew what I meant!  Oh well: back to real work.  (Starts checking e-mail) Half of this is garbage cluttering up my time.  Wait, what’s this?  (Opens a message) And there goes the rest of my day.

Coworker 2: Why?

Coworker 1: I have 10 projects due today but now I have to drop everything to work on this new one, which is going to take at least all day and then I have to go to a meeting talking about it – why always the avalanche, why??  (A second desk phone rings – items on the desk go flying as Coworker 1 lunges to answer it) WHAT?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Ooh, somebody’s a cranky pants.

Coworker 1: You think that’s cranky, listen to this!  (Rips the phone off the desk and throws it at the wall)

Coworker 2: You know, you’re gonna start running out of phones that way.

Coworker 1: Plenty more where they came from.  (A third desk phone rings) Speaking of – (Answers it) Make it quick!  (Listens, then only slams down the receiver) Telemarketer.

Coworker 2: Well this day’s certainly not going to be annoying.

 HOURS LATER

 Coworker 1: (Occasionally swerves chair into the pile of phones against the wall while muttering at the computer screen) It’s not fair – I started this thing so early – why won’t people just leave me alone to finish something –

Coworker 2: (All packed up to leave for the day) You know, we get written up if we clock out late, right?

Coworker 1: (Without looking away from the screen) If everyone stopped talking to me then that wouldn’t be an issue!  (Sees a new e-mail) Aaaaaaand now I have homework.

Coworker 2: Tough luck.  I’m leaving now so you don’t taint me with it.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Continues to stare at the screen, eyes glazing over) If only the heat in my apartment was working this morning, none of this would’ve happened….