Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.

Story 461: Bringing Home the Office

(In an office)

Manager: (Sitting at a desk across from Employee) Well, that’s all settled then: starting Monday, you’ll be joining the ranks of the layabouts who won the lazy lottery and get to – (Does extreme air quotes) “work” from home, yay for you.

Employee: (Shifts uncomfortably in the chair) But I actually like coming into the office –

Manager: (Had turned to the computer to type an angry e-mail while Employee was speaking) Of course, nobody asked me if I wanted half my department slacking off on social media or playing with their kids or doing their laundry or skiing in the Alps while logging in every 30 minutes for show while productivity flushes itself down the economical toilet, ohhhhhh noooooo!!!!  (Rage types faster)

Employee: Well, maybe I can volunteer to stay –

Manager: Buuuuut – (Turns back to Employee) I’m just middle management, whereas upper management has the final say-so, so here we are.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) I guess I’m supposed to say it’s been nice working with you, but I won’t.

Employee: Um, we’re still going to communicate with each other every day though, right?

Manager: Oh yeah, but since it’ll be only e-mails and phone calls and group chats and long-distance what-not, going forward you could be a robot for all I know.  (Tears off a piece of paper from a packet and hands it to Employee) Here’s your ticket.

Employee: (Stares at it for a bit) Ticket… to ride?

Manager: Heh-heh, I wish: it’s from I.T.; they’re going to ship you the work-from-home office set-up you’ll need to install before Monday; it’ll probably show up early Saturday at this point.  Electricity’s on your dime, but I’m told it’s a tax write-off for you freeloaders.

Employee: Oh.  OK.  Are there going to be instructions on how to install the computer and other stuff that comes with it?

Manager: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) You can go now.  (Employee rushes out the door as Manager returns to pounding the long-suffering keyboard) Wonder if I’ll actually miss any of my underlings once they stop coming here…. [TYPE-TYPE-TYPE-] Probably not.

 EARLY SATURDAY

(Employee, wearing pajamas and hastily tying a robe, answers the insistent knocking at the front door of the house)

Employee: (Rubs sleepy eyes) Yes?

Courier: (Holding up a clipboard) This you?

Employee: (Squints at the text) Um, yes – who are you?

Courier: Delivering your work-from-home office – sign here, please.

Employee: (Signs) What exactly am I signing?

Courier: You really should ask that before you sign something, you know.

Employee: Thanks for the tip.  (Hands back the clipboard)

Courier: It’s the receipt acknowledging delivery.  (Rips off a page from the clipboard and hands it over) Your copy.  (Turns to the backed-in truck that is parked in the driveway) ALL RIGHT, BRING IT ON OUT!

(Employee stares in horror as the open back door of the truck reveals a forklift hauling an entire office onto the driveway, complete with desk, chair, computer set with three monitors, printer, scanner, carpeting, three walls with huge paintings on each, two large armchairs, a couch, and a water cooler)

Employee: What the blazes is this?!

Courier: (Half turns to Employee while directing the forklift driver) Your work-from-home office – want it in the carport or on the front lawn?

Employee: I want it gone!  This must be a mistake – I’m only meant to get a computer!

Courier: You did.  (Points to the computer on the ornate desk)

Employee: But what’s all this other – (Waves arms frantically at the office) stuff?!

Courier: The office – it’s right here on your ticket.  (Points to the paper Employee is holding, then turns fully back to the forklift driver) Set it down in the carport!

Employee: But my car’s in there!

Courier: (Peers behind Employee) Oh yeah – think you can move it?

Employee: Where?!  You’re blocking me in!

Courier: Oh yeah.  (To the forklift driver) Set it down on the front lawn!

Employee: No-no-no, take it back!

Courier: What for?  We don’t need it.

Employee: How’m I supposed to get all this inside the house?!

Courier: Most people we send this to wind up breaking it down or shoving it in somewhere; all I know is, not our jurisdiction, we just deliver.  (The forklift driver sets down the office on the front lawn, then zoom back into the truck) There we go!  Call your I.T. department if you have any questions – we’re off!

Employee: But – !  (The truck drives away; in a small voice) Where do I even begin?

 TEN HOURS LATER

(Employee sweatily plugs the last cable into the last port surrounded by the swarming cables feeding all over the computer and accessories, then collapses on the couch while the rest of the lights and appliances in the house dip with the power drain as all the office equipment pieces start up.  Waking from a short doze, Employee then staggers to the desk and collapses onto the comfy chair while signing into the network and activating apps needed for the new work station.  After navigating in circles for some time, Employee testily picks up a cell phone and places a call)

I.T. Rep: I.T., how may I assist you?

Employee: Hi, I received a work-from-home kit that has literally taken over my living room and kitchen, and something’s not working right.

I.T. Rep: Oh, you’re one of the remote workers for the company now?  My condolences.

Employee: Thank you.  The issue is, I shockingly got everything installed and logged into the network, but try as I might, I can’t seem to find my department’s shared drive.

I.T. Rep.: OK, let’s take a look – mind if I remote in?

Employee: That seems to be the theme of the month, yes.

I.T. Rep: (Works with Employee to remote into the computer) Ah, I see what it is: according to your ticket, you were supposed to receive the “Junior Associate Work-From-Home Kit,” and instead you got the “Executive Work-From-Home Suite.”

Employee: (Flatly) What.

I.T. Rep: Is it true that it’s got a mini-bar with chocolate truffles and flavored water?  I’ve always wanted to see one of those, if you could turn on your webcam a second for me.

Employee: So, what, we can just swap out the computer then, right?

I.T. Rep: Actually, we’re going to have to swap out the whole office: employees at your level aren’t supposed to get all that stuff, like the whirlpool bath and the massage table and the –

Employee: (Has been roaming the office and uncovering all these things tucked away, waiting to unfurl) It took me half a day to get this monstrosity in here, and now you’re telling me I’ve got to take it all out and then put in another one?

I.T. Rep: If it makes you feel any better, the other one is much smaller.

Employee: It doesn’t!  I am keeping this thing I’ve developed love-hate feelings for, and you are going to make this work!

I.T. Rep: (Sighs, then starts typing) I guess I could just promote your job title in the network’s directory and give you top clearance, and that would allow you then to access the drive through this computer as an executive – I’m sure there’s no real harm in doing that….

Employee: (Settles into the whirlpool bath with a bottle of the flavored water and smooth jazz playing over the speakers) I like the way you think.

Story 415: Reverse Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

 (While walking from the car to the condo unit, Resident checks a message on the phone that shows a package had been delivered; on arrival at the front door, it is seen that no package awaits.  Squinting closer at the photo of the delivery on the phone, realization dawns upon Resident)

Resident: Wait a minute – that is not my front door!  (Looks at own front door and back at the photo again to confirm) They delivered it to the wrong address!  Great, how am I ever gonna figure out which – (Recognizes the “Keep Out!” and similar signs posted on the door in the photo) oh it’s the next hallway over.

(Resident goes to the next hallway over, stares at the now-empty space where the package was delivered, and knocks on the door.  On the other side, a figure wearing a stereotypical pirate outfit opens it with one hand while holding an umbrella drink in the other; a large group of similarly-dressed colleagues are assembled in the living room, partying with DJ’d music)

Captain: (To Resident) Ahoy, matey – who be ye?

Resident: Hi, I’m your neighbor from the next hallway over –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I had a package delivered today –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I think it was delivered here by mistake.

Captain: Aye.

Resident: …Well?

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Was it delivered here?

Captain: Aye.  `Twas.  (Reaches over to a nearby table and holds up a pair of novelty socks) These be it?

Resident: Ah, yes, great!  (The two stare at each other for a few moments) Soooo….

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Could I have them back then?!

Captain: Nay.  (Tosses away the socks; they land on a dancing crew member)

Resident: What?!

First Mate: (Shouts from serving drinks at the bar stationed next to a lamp table) N – A – Y; means “No.”

Resident: I know what “Nay” means!  (Back to Captain) Why not?!

Captain: You see, young me-hearty, me and me crew here have recently retired from plunderin’ the high seas, so now rather than us goin’ to get the booty, we take the booty that be comin’ to us, you savvy?

Dancing Crew: Savvyyyyyy!!!!

Resident: Well, no, that’s not right – it was clearly addressed to me!

Captain: Ah, but in cases such as these, possession be 10/10ths of the law.

Dancing Crew: Yarrrrr!!!

Resident: (Holds up the phone with the screen facing Captain) But the courier who messed this up sent me a picture of it, so you’ve gotta give it back `cause the courts’ll side with me anyway!

Captain: (Downs the rest of the umbrella drink, smashes the glass onto a nearby wall, and draws a cutlass to point at Resident) What need we of courts when this can be settled as true buccaneers of the seven seas, eh, matey?

Dancing Crew: Arrrrr!!!

Captain: Aye.

Dancing Crew: Ayyyyye!!!

Resident: I’m not fighting you!

Captain: Aha!  Ye be a coward, then!

Resident: I be – I mean, I’m not getting into a knife fight over a pair of socks!

Captain: How dare ye!  This be a cutlass!  (Shakes said cutlass in Resident’s face)  It can slice a grapefruit in perfect twain and yet leave the pulp entirely intact with nary a drop spilt – let us see a piddlin’ knife do that, I ask ye!

Resident: Whatever: I’ll just call the cops on you for theft of property and threat of dismemberment.  (Starts dialing)

Captain: What about yer sense of honor?!

First Mate: (Shouts from the bar) But Captain, we have none.

Captain: Stow yer blowhole!

Resident: (On the phone) Yes, I’ll hold.  (To Captain) Everywhere you call lately, they put you on hold immediately.

Captain: We’ll be havin’ none of yer first world problems around here, matey!  (Uses the cutlass to pick up the socks from where they had been dumped onto the couch at some point and flings them at Resident, who fumblingly catches them) That booty was acquired fair and square, but in the spirit of high adventure, we gift them back to ye.  (Bows graciously)

Resident: (Disconnects the call and shakes the socks at Captain) That’s all you had to do from the beginning.  (Starts to leave when Captain holds out the cutlass to block the path)

Captain: (Leans in toward Resident) Next time, matey, we be keepin’ the spoils.  Permanently.

Dancing Crew: Huzzah!

Captain: (Turns back to Crew) Another round!  Me throat’s extremely parched with all this negotiatin`!

Dancing Crew: Ayyyye!!!!

(Captain slams the door and the dance music is raised to even higher decibels)

Resident: (Walks back to the other hallway while shaking head in disbelief, looks down at the socks, holds them out, and stops) I don’t believe it – they shipped me the wrong size!

Story 349: Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

(In a condo development, Resident checks e-mail on a phone while walking to the unit and sees a message stating “Your package has been delivered!” above a photo of the Resident’s front door with a small box on the ground in front of it.  Resident smiles, continues walking to the unit, then stops at the front door.  Resident stares at the empty space on the ground in front of the door, then at the photo on the phone, then back at the empty space, several times)

Resident: (To Neighbor walking by with a bicycle) Hey – did you see a package sitting here earlier today?

Neighbor: Oh yeah, I saw it when I got home around 3:00.  (Looks down at the empty space) I’m guessing you’re not the one who made it disappear.

Resident: No!  I just got home!

Neighbor: Well that stinks.  Looks like a porch pirate got to it first.

Resident: A what?

Neighbor: Porch pirate.  Steals people’s packages after they’re dropped off on the porch.

Resident: We don’t have porches!

Neighbor: Same principle applies.  They lie in wait for the opportunity to strike, and since they’re so fast and appear so casual and usually no one’s around, there’s almost 0% chance of them getting caught.  If you have a silent witness, though, that’d help.

Resident: What, you mean a dog?

Neighbor: Nah, a dog’d be mostly useless, unless you want assault charges.  I’m talking about one of those.  (Points to another unit’s doorbell camera) And even then tracking the thief’s tricky, unless they look right into the lens and hold up a sign with their name on it.

Resident: I guess, but it’s a moot point now, I’m still just as robbed!

Neighbor: Company’ll ship you a replacement whatever-it-was, I bet.

Resident: That’ll get stolen, too!

Neighbor: Hm.  Get a P.O. box, then?  Or just never have anything delivered again.  Bottom line: there’s no surefire way to stop porch pirates, so you just have to work around them.  (Hops onto the bicycle and rings the bell while gliding away)

Resident: Says who?!  (Unlocks the door and fumes into the living room, flopping onto the couch while muttering) “Porch pirates” – who do they think they are, taking people’s stuff and ruining our lives and the economy?  (Drifts into a doze)

           (A massive galleon sails into the parking lot of the condo development: 16^th-century dressed pirates hold onto various ropes and sails while shaking their swords in the air and yelling “Arrrrrrr!!!”  The ship sails up to Resident’s front door, where a package sits on the ground; the pirate perched off the ship’s bow leans down and snatches up the box)

            Pirate: Yoink!

            Crew: Huzzah!

           (They continue to shake their swords and yell as the ship sails down the middle of a residential street, then stops and drops anchor on top of a parked car.  The Captain (who looks like Resident) addresses the crew from the helm)

            Captain: Ahoy there, mateys!

            Crew: Ahoy, Cap’n!

           Captain: This be another fine day of plunderin’ ahead o’ we, the crew of the mightiest pirate ship in all the seven seas, The Rotten Cheapskates!

            Crew: Yaaaahhh!!!  (Swords shake in the air)

         Captain: Now, hear me, all ye: (All crouch down in a hush while Captain sweeps arms dramatically) the hour, be 3 o’ the clock; the residents, be still away at work; the ones not away, be glued to the boob tube, or in the midst of a well-deserved nap; the porches, be ours!

            Crew: Arrrr!!!!

           (Captain and Crew swing from ropes onto the street and rush to a house that has a large box sitting on the front porch)

            Captain: (Leading with a raised sword) There she blows!  Take yer prize, ye hard workers!

            Crew: Raaaaahhhh!!!!

            (They rush up the porch steps as a figure approaches (who looks like Neighbor), holding up a hand)

            Silent Witness: Halt, rapscallions!

            (Captain and Crew stumble to a stop on the steps; several fall off into the bushes)

            Captain: (Pointing with the sword) WHO BE YE??!!!

            Silent Witness: I am the Silent Witness!

            Captain: Not so silent right now.

         Silent Witness: Same principle applies.  I am the Protector of the Porch, Defender of the Domicile, Lover of Dogs –

            Captain: We be not afraid o’ ye!  We take what we want, and no piddlin’ peeper can stop we!

            First Mate: Us.

            Captain: Aye!

            Crew: Aye-aye!!!  (Swords shake in agreement)

          Silent Witness: Too true – I cannot stop you directly, but I can record your description and forward it to the authorities so you can be taken down by Justice.

            Captain: Gasp!  Not Justice!

            Crew: Booooooooo!!!!!

         Captain: (Shouts back to the ship) Bosun!  Change the name of the ship to The Innocent Schoolchildren!

           Boatswain: (Takes out a paint can and brush and leans over the side of the ship to paint the new name over the old one) Aye-aye, Cap’n!

            Captain: (Turns back to Silent Witness) There – that oughta do it.

            Silent Witness: It really won’t.

           Captain: Bilge rats and barnacles!  (Captain and Crew begin retreating backwards to the ship) Ye may have won this round, but we shall return and claim our treasure!

            Silent Witness: I’ll still be here.

Captain: Blasting cannonade!  (Hops back onto the bow and stands with sword raised as the ship lurches forward, nearly knocking off Boatswain who still is painting the new name on the side) Onward to new lands!  (There is a massive screeching sound behind the ship as it sails down the street) Would someone hoist the blinkin’ anchor?!  (Crew scramble to hoist the anchor as they turn down a different street) This is why we have processes in place, mateys!

            Crew: Apologies, Cap’n!

            (Captain stares through a telescope for several minutes, then points in the distance)

            Captain: There!  Off the port bow!  Follow that delivery truck!

            Crew: Aye-aye-arrrrr!!!!

           (They follow the truck until it stops in front of a house; Captain and Crew leap from the ship and are there as the courier returns from dropping off a package on the porch)

          Courier: (Stares at Captain and Crew, who are all smiling in friendship) Yeah, I’m out.  (Drives away)

            Captain: (Points to the package) All right, ye adorable scalawags: seize that there booty!

            Crew: Yaaaah!!!

            (They swarm the porch, then stumble to a stop when they see a figure sitting on a swing)

            Granny: (Knitting) Why, hello there.  Would you like some lemonade?

            Captain: (Looks around the porch entire) Common folk still sit out on these things?!

            (Resident suddenly wakes from the doze)

          Resident: Wow.  That was unexpectedly vivid.  (Stands, takes out the phone, and dials the company’s customer service number to report the theft, pausing to stare wistfully out the front window) I wish I had a porch.