Story 560: Oblivia, And Then There Were...?

          [A semi-parody of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and all those camp horror movies]

(At night in the woods, five figures sit around a campfire)

Camper 1: So, did anyone else get a weird invitation to come to this campsite and then found a note stabbed to their bunk’s pillow when they got here?  (Others nod and hold up papers with dagger holes in the middle) Thought as much.  Just to make sure we all got the same message – (Opens up another paper with a dagger hole in the middle and reads) “You thought you could get away with it, but you will be judged.  By me.  I will judge you.  Fatally, if that wasn’t clear – ” (Crumples up the paper and tosses it into the fire) it goes on like that for a bit.  I know we’re all strangers to each other, and if this note’s true for all of us then it seems we’re all pretty nasty pieces of work, but considering that there’s no cell phone service out here and all our cars’ tires were slashed somehow after we arrived with no one seeing and the only road in or out is now blocked by a sudden landslide from who-knows-where that happened who-knows-when and I doubt any of us know how to navigate by the stars or even basic cardinal directions to just walk on outta here, then we’re going to have to work together and trust each other to survive.

Camper 2: We’re all gonna die!

Camper 1: Don’t say stuff like that, it’ll start catching!  Anywho, I might as well go first with the trust portion: my crimes are embezzlement, fraud, and egregious telemarketing, and if I’d known that this would be the final result of a lifetime of deceit… yeah, I probably still would’ve done it all again; I made a lot of money.

Camper 2: Well, if my only chance of surviving all this is your physical and emotional support, then here goes: my crime is, in the words of The Bard –

Camper 3: Ugh, Shakespeare, really?

Camper 2: Hush.  In the words of The Bard, my crime is that I am “one that loved not wisely, but too well.”

Camper 3: Ugh, Othello, really?

Camper 4: Talk about inappropriate appropriation.

Camper 2: All right: I run a lonely hearts racket, and after I’ve taken all their money I post embarrassing videos my victims had sent me, for kicks and giggles.  I blur their faces, but they know it’s them.

Camper 3: <Gasp!>  That was you?! 

Camper 2: …Maybe.  There’s so many of us out there; who’s to tell?

Camper 1: (To Camper 3) What’s your story, then?

Camper 3: Oh, I e-mail ransomware viruses to major corporations and make them pay me millions to unlock their systems.  Although, the other day I accidentally attacked my own bank and now I’m locked out of my accounts and it’s been a nightmare getting back in, so I guess the joke’s on me.  I really shouldn’t have received an invite to this whole fiasco, you know – haven’t I been punished enough?

Camper 1: Gross.  (To Camper 4) And you?

Camper 4: Wellllll, I suppose you could say that I make the most of what life has to offer: when I see an opportunity, I grab it with both hands and run away with it, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost –

Camper 1: You’re a porch pirate?

Camper 4: Yeah.  (Briefly holds open one side of a jacket to show an array of accessories) I’ve actually found myself with an excess of smartwatches at the moment, if anyone’s interested.

Camper 1: Maybe later.  (Turns to the fifth figure) And, last but not least: what brings you here?

Oblivia: (Looks up from a game of solitaire that is spread out on the ground) Hm?  Oh: I think I turned off the main road too early – this isn’t the Relaxation Getaway Camp is it?

Camper 1: No, this is the Middle-of-Nowhere Doom Camp.

Oblivia: That’s too bad; probably won’t get my deposit back at this point, either.

Camper 2: Hold on: if you didn’t receive a threatening invitation and supposedly aren’t involved in any of this, how do we know you’re not the one who invited us all here and is planning to kill us, hm?!

Oblivia: (Stares blankly at Camper 2 for a few moments) Oh!  Is this like dinner theater, only an outdoor camp version?  OK, I call dibs on being the last victim!

Camper 2: Are you for real?!

Oblivia: All right, fine, you can be the last victim, then.  I’ll be the detective if no one else wants it.  (The others now stare blankly at Oblivia)  So, anyone here bring s’mores?  `Cause I sure didn’t.

(A masked figure with a roaring chainsaw comes charging out of the woods at them)

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw high) JUSTICE!!!!!

Campers 1-4: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  (They flee into the woods in four different directions)

Oblivia: (Still sitting at the campfire; points to the chainsaw) Oh hey, does that thing actually work?

Masked Figure: Huh?  (Shakes head briefly, then runs off into the woods) JUSTICE!!!!!

Oblivia: (Starts poking the fire with a stick) Hm: wonder when the guided hike is supposed to start around here?

(In the woods, Campers 2 and 3 crash into each other)

Camper 2: (Holding bruised head) Ouch!  I don’t wanna die!

Camper 3: (Also holding bruised head) It’s OK: as long as we stick together, we’ll be all right!  I think.

Camper 2: Aw, you still want to stick together even after I posed that video of you ugly-crying about your kindergarten birthday party?

Camper 3: It was my second grade birthday party, and I already hacked your social media accounts to post only controversial opinions from now on, so we’re even.

Camper 2: Oh good; I was afraid things between us would be weird.

(They crouch down behind a large tree upon hearing heavy footsteps approaching)

Camper 3: (Whispering frantically) This is it!  What do we do?!

Camper 2: (Also whispering) Run some more?

Camper 3: (Grabs a large fallen branch) I think the time has come for us to fight back!

Camper 2: You’re so brave!  (Starts to retreat to another tree) I’ll cheer you on from over here.

Camper 3: Uh-uh.  (Hands another branch to Camper 2) You’re my back-up.

Camper 2: (Tentatively takes the branch with two fingers) Um… you sure about that?

(They crouch lower behind the tree as the footsteps get louder; they see Masked Figure through the trees stomping their way, closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Strolls up behind Camper 2 and Camper 3) Oh hey, maybe you two can help: could you point me in the direction of the lake so I can do some moonlight swimming or fishing or something?

Camper 3: (Turning around to Oblivia) You – !

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw and runs toward the group) JUSTICE!!!!!

Camper 2 and Camper 3: (Dropping the branches and running away) AIIIIIIII!!!!!!

Oblivia: (Watching all three run, then shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction) Gotta be around here somewhere….

(Camper 1 arrives at the main bunkhouse, bursts through the front door, and starts frenziedly searching through possessions and beds)

Camper 1: (Muttering) Where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the – (Opens a closet door and Camper 4 falls out, landing on the floor and clutching four daggers to the chest) OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING!!!

Camper 4: (Spitting out blood) Avenge – me –

Camper 1: I will, I swear it!  But first, tell me – (Grabs Camper 4’s shoulders and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) did you take my shipment of vintage T-shirts I’d been waiting weeks to arrive?!

Camper 4: (Shifty-eyed) …Well, if the box was just sitting right out there in the open –

Camper 1: Never mind: justice has been served.  (Walks away from Camper 4 and back outside)

Camper 4: …Blast….

(As Camper 1 stands on the bunkhouse steps, deep in thought, Camper 2 and Camper 3 run out of the woods nearby)

Camper 3: Oh good, you’re still alive!

Camper 1: I am – one of us didn’t make it.  (Jerks head back toward the interior of the bunkhouse)

Camper 2: Ew, I don’t wanna see that.

Camper 1: (Descends the steps to join the others) So, we need to come up with a plan to save our skins, fast.

Camper 2: How about we dig a giant pit, line the inside with sharpened stakes, and cover the whole thing with a quilt made out of sewn leaves?

Camper 1: With what tools?  And with what time?

Camper 2: You said come up with a plan fast!

Camper 3: Oh, I got it!

Camper 1 and Camper 2: Yeah?!

Camper 3: We call the cops!

Camper 1: Our phones don’t work!

Camper 3: Oh yeah – why’d I think of that, then?

Camper 2: (Hopping up and down on alternating feet) Ooooh-ooooh – he’s gonna be here any minute, I just know it!

(They all freeze in horror, then slowly turn as they hear quick footsteps coming through the woods)

Camper 1: This is it!  And I still have no idea what to do!

Camper 3: Well, he can’t get all of us if we stay in a group, right?  (The other two look balefully at Camper 3) Right?

(The footsteps get louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Emerging from the woods, holding a flashlight and a water bottle) Oh hey, there you all are – I just finished the moderate trail, which was a joke; anyone want to join me on the difficult trail and see if that’s an actual challenge?

Camper 1: (Points to Oblivia) You!

Oblivia: Me, yes?

Camper 1: (As all three approach Oblivia) He’s not after you!  We’ll use you as a body shield.  (Moves to grab her by the shirt collar)

Oblivia: (Instead grabs Camper 1’s wrist and twists, making the latter writhe and nearly fall, and then lets go) Excuse me, but if you all feel that you’re in such distress, then why don’t you just call the cops?

Camper 3: That’s what I said!

Camper 2: There’s no cell service out here!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I think that thing probably still works.  (Points to a nearby payphone)

Camper 3: Oh, that’s why I said what I said!  I just forgot why I’d said it!

(All four run to the payphone)

Camper 1: (Reads the label) Calls are $1.00?!

Camper 2: Anybody got any loose change?

(They all check their pockets)

Camper 1: (Counting coins on an upturned palm) I have 47¢.

Camper 2: I have nothing.

Camper 3: I only have a penny; I had two quarters, but I wound up throwing them in the tip jar for snacks and coffee at the gas station – the bill was over $30, so they were not happy.

Oblivia: I have a $100, but it’s a fake.

Camper 1: Daaaaaaaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiit –

Oblivia: Wait, I have an idea.  (Picks up the receiver and dials a lot of numbers)

Voice: I’m sorry, 9-1-1 does not accept collect calls.

Oblivia: (Hangs up) Worth a shot.

Camper: Wait-wait-wait, what are we doing, 9-1-1’s a free call!  (Picks up the receiver and dials; there is one ring, then silence) What – ?

Masked Figure: (Pops up from behind the payphone, holding up the roaring chainsaw in one hand and a severed wire in the other) AHA!

(The Campers jump and scream)

Oblivia: (To Masked Figure) Wow, you sure are stealthy.

Masked Figure: I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE – (Oblivia lobs the flashlight at Masked Figure’s head and knocks him down) OW!  Hey!

Director: (Bursts out of the woods with several crew members) CUT!  What just happened?!

Actor 1: I dunno, Boss, you told us to keep going no matter what.

Actor 2: Yeah, I thought maybe she was a new hire you brought in to keep us on our toes or add to the authenticity or something.

Oblivia: (In a small voice) What is going on…?

Director: I can’t believe this – we’re thousands over budget on a no-budget slasher, and now we’re on the verge of scrapping the whole thing because we can’t secure the set!

Actor 3: Can’t you just delete the messed-up parts and shoot over those?

Director: You know I’m using 8mm film!

Oblivia: Ooh, old school.

Director: (To Actor 4, who was helped back up to standing by the crew) Are you OK?

Actor 4: (Lifting up the mask and rubbing a growing bruise on the head) I think so, but I still can barely see a thing in this mask.

Director: Don’t worry about that – it makes you lumber around all over the place, which looks great.  (To the others) All right, just keep going and we’ll fix it in post.  (To Oblivia) And you –

Oblivia: Yes?

Director: Just watch, OK?

Oblivia: That’s mainly what I’ve been doing.  It’s been a lot of fun so far – you got any activities like this planned for tomorrow?

Director: We’ve gotta be out of here by tomorrow: our permits expire by then and the Scouts are coming in to hike the bird watch trail!

Oblivia: Oh, that’s too bad.

Director: (Walking back to the woods with the crew members as Actor 4 lowers the mask in place) Pick it up from “I have you now” – aaaaaaaand ACTION!

Masked Figure: (Raises the roaring chainsaw overhead) I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!

Campers 1-3: (Holding each other in terror) OH NO!

Oblivia: (Yawns) This is getting a bit repetitive – let me know how it ends in the morning, yeah?  Thanks.  (Turns away and walks into the bunkhouse as the other four watch)

Masked Figure: …YAHHHH!!!!

Campers 1-3: WAHHHH!!!!

(Masked Figure chases Campers 1, 2, and 3 into the woods again as Oblivia picks her way through the mess that Camper 1 had made earlier, then trips over Camper 4)

Oblivia: Oops, sorry.  (Sees the daggers sticking out of Actor 5’s chest) You OK?

Actor 5: (Spits out some more red liquid) Actually, could you grab me some water, please?  This stuff tastes disgusting.

Oblivia: Sure.  (Fills up a glass of water and hands it down to Actor 5)

Actor 5: Much obliged.  (Gulps the water, then swishes and spits out the mess back into the glass)

Oblivia: Whelp, I’m going to bed – you gonna be all right down there?

Actor 5: Oh yeah, just... waiting.

Oblivia: Cool-cool.  (Dives onto a bunk without changing into pajamas, tucks the blankets under her chin, and sighs in contentment) Well, that was something different.  I wonder if they’re all having as much fun as I am?

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!

Story 414: How to Get Out of a Horror Movie Alive, Part 2

 Scenario 4: A horribly mutated insect, hundreds of times the usual size, predictably escapes the lab of its creation and indulges its taste for human flesh, tearing apart the local infrastructure in the meantime

(In the lab that was the scene of the crime against nature, a group of scientists huddle up)

Scientist 1: It attacks without warning; it covers its victims with a viscous, acidic fluid before it devours them whole; it seems impervious to bullets, bombs, electric shocks, and that one bread knife over there; and to top it all off, scans show it’s ready to lay a whole bunch of eggs on the roof that it will then stop at nothing to protect and will cover the Earth with its indestructible spawn when they all hatch!

Scientist 2: (Raises hand) Question: if it’s going to lay eggs, doesn’t that actually make “it” a “she”?

Scientist 3: Yeah, now she’s just a momma trying to protect her babies.  Although, won’t she need a mate first to fertilize them?

Scientist 4: Ooh, should we create one for her?

Scientist 1: Don’t make this life-and-death situation ethically complicated!  We must wipe them all out, now!  I mean, look what just one of these monsters did to our little town – imagine what an army of them would do to a major metropolis!

Scientist 3: I say we take our mad colleague who created this mess and feed `em to her – that should close the loop nicely.

Scientist 1: Our mad colleague was her first meal!

Scientist 3: Oh right, forget about that.  I withdraw my proposal.

Scientist 2: (Raises hand again) Hold on everyone: I have an idea….

(Hours later, the horribly mutated insect returns from her most recent meal foray, crawls up the outside of the lab building, and scampers across the roof to continue her insect world-building when she crosses a trip wire that releases a giant diamond fly swatter, which swings down and crushes the creature against the roof.  The scientists run out from their hiding place and stand in a circle around the remains)

Scientist 2: Yep: diamonds still remain the hardest substance on the planet.

Scientist 1: At last: the monster has been destroyed, and the world is safe from yet another human-made disaster.

(They stare at the smushed body some more)

Scientist 3: Sooooo… who’s going to clean this up?

 Scenario 5: Through an unfortunate close encounter, an everyday schlub gets transformed into a monster and now struggles with newfound powers and appetite

(In a café, the transformed schlub, covered in copious amounts of body hair, sporting fangs, rotting flesh falling off, and antennae swiveling around, sits at a table sipping coffee with Best Friend)

Schlub: (Prehensile tongue shoots out and slurps in a muffin; swallows and smacks lips) Nope – none of my former food and drink vices are doing it for me anymore.  I think my body is turning me toward one, single menu item: human being.  Which I don’t think counts as cannibalism since I’m clearly no longer a human being myself.  (Scratches ear with foot)

Best Friend: Mm.  (Sips coffee) You sure about that?  Wanting to eat people, I mean.

Schlub: Usually how these things go.

Best Friend: Just because you don’t like the food you used to eat doesn’t mean an all-human diet’ll do the trick.  Maybe your body’s just rejecting processed foods now.

Schlub: That’s ridicu – oh.  You think so?

Best Friend: You should try farm-to-table.

Schlub: Hmmm….

(Schlub goes to an organic farm and is served fresh fruit and vegetables and non-hormone-saturated animals)

Schlub: (Using claws to cut food on the plate; speaks to the farm family with a full mouth) This meal is AMAZING!  I no longer have the urge to devour everyone in sight!  And I can feel the chemicals built up in me over the decades practically melting away!  You know, everyone should eat like this, every day!

Farmer 1: (Gesturing to Farmer 2 and children that they can put away the pitchforks they had at the ready) We’ve been telling everybody that all our lives.

Schlub: I bet!  If I’d known it’d be like this, I’d’ve wished that monster had gotten me years ago!  Except for the body hair – could do without that.

Scenario 6: A possessed doll stalks a family in their apartment

Doll: (Slowly opens the creaking door to a bedroom where the family is hiding; the doll is wielding a butcher knife and grinning sadistically) Trick or treat!  Oh wait, has that been used already?

Relative 1: Now!

(The family members pounce on the doll with a large blanket and take the bundle into the kitchen where they set it on fire in the sink.  As the bundle burns, they hold up all the religious books over the remains; they then scoop up the ashes and take them to a nondenominational cemetery to sprinkle them around a tree to feed new life)

Relative 2: So, what if the ashes reassemble themselves to begin the cycle of evil anew?

Relative 1: The local dog walkers who come through here should take care of that before it becomes a problem.

Scenario 7: The killer is calling from inside the house

Resident: (Answers ringing phone) Mmm-yello?

Killer: Howdy.  I’m upstairs and soon I’ll be coming downstairs to kill you.

Resident: `Kay, thanks for the heads-up.  (Leaves the house)

Killer: (Stands at a upstairs bedroom window, still holding the phone and watching Resident walk down the street while dialing 9-1-1) I probably should revise my script.

Story 413: How to Get Out of a Horror Movie Alive, Part 1

 Scenario 1: Trapped in an excessively huge mansion by a vengeful killer ghost, and circumstances

(In the ostentatious drawing room, Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 are seated in huge armchairs reading wordy tomes when the killer ghost flies in, knocking knick-knacks off the many, many shelves and making all sorts of ruckus)

Spouse 1: (Barely looking up from the book) I say, Nanny?

Nanny: (Pops head in through the doorway) Yeah?

Spouse 1: I know it wasn’t in the job description, but would you mind solving the mystery of why this dratted specter haunts our family generation after generation and now also has a disturbing connection with our off-putting child?  We’ve endured it gracefully for centuries, but the constant property destruction and the occasional throat-slashing tend to wear on one.

Spouse 2: Quite.  (Blinks as a vase crashes on their head)

Nanny: (Nods) Uh-huh, I could do that, ORRRRRR.... (Tosses the off-putting child into the room) I could quit and drive right on outta here.

Spouse 1: But this is your first day.

Nanny: (Ducks as flames shoot overhead) That it is, and I’ve seen enough, byeeeee!!!!  (Slams the door, then opens it again to pop head back in through the doorway) By the way, I’ve called Child Protective Services on you lot.  (Slams the door again and speeds off with squealing tires and plowing through decorative hedges)

(Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 stare at each other as the off-putting child and the killer ghost begin to merge souls, and the mansion’s very foundations quake)

Spouse 2: My word.

Scenario 2: An unstoppable, possibly non-human serial killer is working through a group of young adults at a campsite

(The four bedraggled remaining campers have gathered in a circle next to a small cliff for cover)

Remaining Camper 1: Right everyone, so we’ve tried knives, we’ve tried axes, we’ve tried javelins, flamethrowers, boulders, canoe paddles, a soccer ball, fishing tackle, some kid’s left-behind tricycle, glue, and even that one disturbingly smuggled-in gun that we need to have a conversation about later, and this dude still is on the move.  All phone signals and lines are out so no one is coming to save us, and our friend managed to slash all our cars’ tires and drain all the gas tanks while we weren’t looking.  I am officially out of ideas and supplies, and now open to any suggestion no matter how ludicrous.  (Remaining Camper 2 raises a hand) Yes, thank you, what?

Remaining Camper 2: We could just walk out of here.

Remaining Camper 1: We – what?

Remaining Camper 2: Town’s not too far away; we just follow the main drive back to the highway.  I doubt we’d even have to go through the woods to get there.  Dude can have the place all to himself then, which is what I think this is really all about, deep down.

Remaining Camper 1: But – but – we’d never make it!  We’d get picked off one-by-one, either by this weirdo or by some ravenous bear, right before we’ve achieved victory!

Remaining Camper 2: I doubt it: we’d be in a group and the dude always waits until we’re alone before going after somebody, and if we make enough noise the bear won’t want to be bothered.

Remaining Camper 1: Oh.  I guess.

Remaining Camper 3: Don’t run, either – it’ll seem like we’re panicking.

Remaining Camper 4: But don’t walk too slowly, either – it’ll seem like we’re overconfident and deserve everything we get.

Remaining Camper 1: All right!  Let’s just go before this starts feeling like a bad idea.

(The Remaining Campers walk out of the camp and reach the nearby town safely)

Serial Killer: (Bursts into the clearing 10 minutes after they left) Got ya! – oh, they just walked out of here didn’t they.

 Scenario 3: Worldwide zombie uprising

(In a house where a couple of survivors are holed up)

Survivor 1: I have an idea: remember back in the `60s when people were building those fallout shelters in case the Cold War turned hot-hot-hot?

Survivor 2: Yes, and we all hypocritically laugh at their paranoia – why bring it up, aren’t they all filled in by now?

Survivor 1: Not the one my grandparents built: we figured something’d drive us in there eventually; who’d’ve thought it’d be zombies?

(Survivor 1 and Survivor 2 sneak off to the fallout shelter and seal themselves in while the zombies are occupied with other fodder)

Survivor 1: (Surveys the well-stocked underground house) Whelp, this should keep us for five years.

Survivor 2: And what if whatever disaster this was planned for lasted longer than five years?

Survivor 1: ….

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Survivor 1: Whelp, by now the afflicted creatures should’ve run out of human brains to sustain them and their misery has permanently ended as they slowly starved to second death – I’m going up top to have a peek.

Survivor 2: And what if they can be sustained with other animals’ brains?

Survivor 1: ....

(Survivor 1 opens the hatch and emerges from the shelter to see a world devastated by floods, fires, eradicated flora and fauna, and the Sun blocked by permanent clouds.  Survivor 1 then sees a lone figure appear ominously nearby)

Zombie: (Points at Survivor 1) Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii –

(Survivor 1 zaps the zombie with a stun gun, jumps back into the shelter, reseals the hatch, and turns to Survivor 2)

Survivor 1: So, wanna watch a movie?

Story 208: Meeting Interrupted by a Horror Movie Villain

            (Committee meeting in a board room)

           Chair: Yes, I think we have wasted far too many words on this subject and I move that it should be tabled until the end of time – anyone second that?

            Member 1: Wait, I want to make a motion on –

            Chair: Motion denied.

            Member 1: But you don’t know what it is yet.

            Chair: I will address the Committee: by a show of hands, are there any members present who care?  (No one looks up) Motion fails to pass.

            Member 1: Aw, my motions always fail to pass.

          Chair: Returning to the original motion: second?  (Several hands raise) All in favor?  (All hands raise) Motion passes; let the minutes reflect that this Committee will never raise the issue of that abomination again.  Now, the next item on the agenda is: should this Committee allocate funds for the upcoming event that none of us went to last year?

            Member 2: I think you just answered that question right there.

           (The board room door bursts open to reveal Horror Movie Villain: a hulking behemoth of a monster man who just stands there)

            Chair: (To the administrative assistant) Gladys, I thought I told you not to invite anyone for presentations this month!  Did you mess up the agenda again?!

            Gladys: (Frantically searching through piles of paper) But I didn’t – I told them not to – this isn’t fair – !

            Chair: (To Horror Movie Villain) Well, it can’t be helped now.  Please take a seat.

            Horror Movie Villain: (Speaks from the depths of Hell) Your soulssss… are mine….

            Chair: You can ask questions at the end.  (Gestures to Member 3, who pulls out a rolling chair from against the wall behind Horror Movie Villain so that it hits the latter in the back of the knees, forcing him to sit heavily on it) Now, let’s see.  (Reads from a form in a packet) So you’re the sales rep with the landscaping vendor, correct?

            Horror Movie Villain: Desolationnnn….

            Chair: Gladys, please give him a glass of water.  (Gladys hands Horror Movie Villain a glass of water; he stares at it) Remind me what your company’s bid is again?

            Horror Movie Villain: (Rattling breath) Flamesssss… ice…..

           Chair: (Flips through the packet) No, I don’t see that – ah!  Here it is; yes, we actually did reach a consensus last meeting that the amount needs to be under- and not over-budget this time: would your company be willing to revise its proposal?

            Horror Movie Villain: (Looks at the Committee Members, still holding the glass) Burnnnn….

            Chair: I don’t think it’ll come to that; perhaps if you reduced your estimate by 10%?

          Member 1: I’d like to make a motion to completely reject this company on the grounds that their sales rep appears to be a literal demon.

           Chair: Strike that from the minutes!  And you’ve surpassed your quota of motions for the year.

          Member 1: There’s no such thing in parliamentary procedure!  You’re always trying to stifle my departmental voice on this Committee!

            Horror Movie Villain: (Stands slowly) Ruinnnn… torment….

           Chair: Yes, I think we all agree – Gladys, please show the rep out and make sure the front desk validates his parking.  (Gladys takes the glass from his hand as she takes him by the elbow and guides him out the door) So that issue will have to be tabled until the next meeting when more information is forwarded to us for review.  (Gladys re-enters) Oh yes, I just realized that we can’t continue if you’re not here to take minutes….  Everything all right?

            Gladys: (Looking at a piece of paper she is holding) He gave me this thing that says “One-Way Ticket to the Underworld,” and then he jumped into a fiery portal that just opened in the wall.  It’s gone now.

            Chair: Oh good, I was afraid he wanted us to call him back.