Story 560: Oblivia, And Then There Were...?

          [A semi-parody of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and all those camp horror movies]

(At night in the woods, five figures sit around a campfire)

Camper 1: So, did anyone else get a weird invitation to come to this campsite and then found a note stabbed to their bunk’s pillow when they got here?  (Others nod and hold up papers with dagger holes in the middle) Thought as much.  Just to make sure we all got the same message – (Opens up another paper with a dagger hole in the middle and reads) “You thought you could get away with it, but you will be judged.  By me.  I will judge you.  Fatally, if that wasn’t clear – ” (Crumples up the paper and tosses it into the fire) it goes on like that for a bit.  I know we’re all strangers to each other, and if this note’s true for all of us then it seems we’re all pretty nasty pieces of work, but considering that there’s no cell phone service out here and all our cars’ tires were slashed somehow after we arrived with no one seeing and the only road in or out is now blocked by a sudden landslide from who-knows-where that happened who-knows-when and I doubt any of us know how to navigate by the stars or even basic cardinal directions to just walk on outta here, then we’re going to have to work together and trust each other to survive.

Camper 2: We’re all gonna die!

Camper 1: Don’t say stuff like that, it’ll start catching!  Anywho, I might as well go first with the trust portion: my crimes are embezzlement, fraud, and egregious telemarketing, and if I’d known that this would be the final result of a lifetime of deceit… yeah, I probably still would’ve done it all again; I made a lot of money.

Camper 2: Well, if my only chance of surviving all this is your physical and emotional support, then here goes: my crime is, in the words of The Bard –

Camper 3: Ugh, Shakespeare, really?

Camper 2: Hush.  In the words of The Bard, my crime is that I am “one that loved not wisely, but too well.”

Camper 3: Ugh, Othello, really?

Camper 4: Talk about inappropriate appropriation.

Camper 2: All right: I run a lonely hearts racket, and after I’ve taken all their money I post embarrassing videos my victims had sent me, for kicks and giggles.  I blur their faces, but they know it’s them.

Camper 3: <Gasp!>  That was you?! 

Camper 2: …Maybe.  There’s so many of us out there; who’s to tell?

Camper 1: (To Camper 3) What’s your story, then?

Camper 3: Oh, I e-mail ransomware viruses to major corporations and make them pay me millions to unlock their systems.  Although, the other day I accidentally attacked my own bank and now I’m locked out of my accounts and it’s been a nightmare getting back in, so I guess the joke’s on me.  I really shouldn’t have received an invite to this whole fiasco, you know – haven’t I been punished enough?

Camper 1: Gross.  (To Camper 4) And you?

Camper 4: Wellllll, I suppose you could say that I make the most of what life has to offer: when I see an opportunity, I grab it with both hands and run away with it, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost –

Camper 1: You’re a porch pirate?

Camper 4: Yeah.  (Briefly holds open one side of a jacket to show an array of accessories) I’ve actually found myself with an excess of smartwatches at the moment, if anyone’s interested.

Camper 1: Maybe later.  (Turns to the fifth figure) And, last but not least: what brings you here?

Oblivia: (Looks up from a game of solitaire that is spread out on the ground) Hm?  Oh: I think I turned off the main road too early – this isn’t the Relaxation Getaway Camp is it?

Camper 1: No, this is the Middle-of-Nowhere Doom Camp.

Oblivia: That’s too bad; probably won’t get my deposit back at this point, either.

Camper 2: Hold on: if you didn’t receive a threatening invitation and supposedly aren’t involved in any of this, how do we know you’re not the one who invited us all here and is planning to kill us, hm?!

Oblivia: (Stares blankly at Camper 2 for a few moments) Oh!  Is this like dinner theater, only an outdoor camp version?  OK, I call dibs on being the last victim!

Camper 2: Are you for real?!

Oblivia: All right, fine, you can be the last victim, then.  I’ll be the detective if no one else wants it.  (The others now stare blankly at Oblivia)  So, anyone here bring s’mores?  `Cause I sure didn’t.

(A masked figure with a roaring chainsaw comes charging out of the woods at them)

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw high) JUSTICE!!!!!

Campers 1-4: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  (They flee into the woods in four different directions)

Oblivia: (Still sitting at the campfire; points to the chainsaw) Oh hey, does that thing actually work?

Masked Figure: Huh?  (Shakes head briefly, then runs off into the woods) JUSTICE!!!!!

Oblivia: (Starts poking the fire with a stick) Hm: wonder when the guided hike is supposed to start around here?

(In the woods, Campers 2 and 3 crash into each other)

Camper 2: (Holding bruised head) Ouch!  I don’t wanna die!

Camper 3: (Also holding bruised head) It’s OK: as long as we stick together, we’ll be all right!  I think.

Camper 2: Aw, you still want to stick together even after I posed that video of you ugly-crying about your kindergarten birthday party?

Camper 3: It was my second grade birthday party, and I already hacked your social media accounts to post only controversial opinions from now on, so we’re even.

Camper 2: Oh good; I was afraid things between us would be weird.

(They crouch down behind a large tree upon hearing heavy footsteps approaching)

Camper 3: (Whispering frantically) This is it!  What do we do?!

Camper 2: (Also whispering) Run some more?

Camper 3: (Grabs a large fallen branch) I think the time has come for us to fight back!

Camper 2: You’re so brave!  (Starts to retreat to another tree) I’ll cheer you on from over here.

Camper 3: Uh-uh.  (Hands another branch to Camper 2) You’re my back-up.

Camper 2: (Tentatively takes the branch with two fingers) Um… you sure about that?

(They crouch lower behind the tree as the footsteps get louder; they see Masked Figure through the trees stomping their way, closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Strolls up behind Camper 2 and Camper 3) Oh hey, maybe you two can help: could you point me in the direction of the lake so I can do some moonlight swimming or fishing or something?

Camper 3: (Turning around to Oblivia) You – !

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw and runs toward the group) JUSTICE!!!!!

Camper 2 and Camper 3: (Dropping the branches and running away) AIIIIIIII!!!!!!

Oblivia: (Watching all three run, then shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction) Gotta be around here somewhere….

(Camper 1 arrives at the main bunkhouse, bursts through the front door, and starts frenziedly searching through possessions and beds)

Camper 1: (Muttering) Where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the – (Opens a closet door and Camper 4 falls out, landing on the floor and clutching four daggers to the chest) OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING!!!

Camper 4: (Spitting out blood) Avenge – me –

Camper 1: I will, I swear it!  But first, tell me – (Grabs Camper 4’s shoulders and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) did you take my shipment of vintage T-shirts I’d been waiting weeks to arrive?!

Camper 4: (Shifty-eyed) …Well, if the box was just sitting right out there in the open –

Camper 1: Never mind: justice has been served.  (Walks away from Camper 4 and back outside)

Camper 4: …Blast….

(As Camper 1 stands on the bunkhouse steps, deep in thought, Camper 2 and Camper 3 run out of the woods nearby)

Camper 3: Oh good, you’re still alive!

Camper 1: I am – one of us didn’t make it.  (Jerks head back toward the interior of the bunkhouse)

Camper 2: Ew, I don’t wanna see that.

Camper 1: (Descends the steps to join the others) So, we need to come up with a plan to save our skins, fast.

Camper 2: How about we dig a giant pit, line the inside with sharpened stakes, and cover the whole thing with a quilt made out of sewn leaves?

Camper 1: With what tools?  And with what time?

Camper 2: You said come up with a plan fast!

Camper 3: Oh, I got it!

Camper 1 and Camper 2: Yeah?!

Camper 3: We call the cops!

Camper 1: Our phones don’t work!

Camper 3: Oh yeah – why’d I think of that, then?

Camper 2: (Hopping up and down on alternating feet) Ooooh-ooooh – he’s gonna be here any minute, I just know it!

(They all freeze in horror, then slowly turn as they hear quick footsteps coming through the woods)

Camper 1: This is it!  And I still have no idea what to do!

Camper 3: Well, he can’t get all of us if we stay in a group, right?  (The other two look balefully at Camper 3) Right?

(The footsteps get louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Emerging from the woods, holding a flashlight and a water bottle) Oh hey, there you all are – I just finished the moderate trail, which was a joke; anyone want to join me on the difficult trail and see if that’s an actual challenge?

Camper 1: (Points to Oblivia) You!

Oblivia: Me, yes?

Camper 1: (As all three approach Oblivia) He’s not after you!  We’ll use you as a body shield.  (Moves to grab her by the shirt collar)

Oblivia: (Instead grabs Camper 1’s wrist and twists, making the latter writhe and nearly fall, and then lets go) Excuse me, but if you all feel that you’re in such distress, then why don’t you just call the cops?

Camper 3: That’s what I said!

Camper 2: There’s no cell service out here!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I think that thing probably still works.  (Points to a nearby payphone)

Camper 3: Oh, that’s why I said what I said!  I just forgot why I’d said it!

(All four run to the payphone)

Camper 1: (Reads the label) Calls are $1.00?!

Camper 2: Anybody got any loose change?

(They all check their pockets)

Camper 1: (Counting coins on an upturned palm) I have 47¢.

Camper 2: I have nothing.

Camper 3: I only have a penny; I had two quarters, but I wound up throwing them in the tip jar for snacks and coffee at the gas station – the bill was over $30, so they were not happy.

Oblivia: I have a $100, but it’s a fake.

Camper 1: Daaaaaaaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiit –

Oblivia: Wait, I have an idea.  (Picks up the receiver and dials a lot of numbers)

Voice: I’m sorry, 9-1-1 does not accept collect calls.

Oblivia: (Hangs up) Worth a shot.

Camper: Wait-wait-wait, what are we doing, 9-1-1’s a free call!  (Picks up the receiver and dials; there is one ring, then silence) What – ?

Masked Figure: (Pops up from behind the payphone, holding up the roaring chainsaw in one hand and a severed wire in the other) AHA!

(The Campers jump and scream)

Oblivia: (To Masked Figure) Wow, you sure are stealthy.

Masked Figure: I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE – (Oblivia lobs the flashlight at Masked Figure’s head and knocks him down) OW!  Hey!

Director: (Bursts out of the woods with several crew members) CUT!  What just happened?!

Actor 1: I dunno, Boss, you told us to keep going no matter what.

Actor 2: Yeah, I thought maybe she was a new hire you brought in to keep us on our toes or add to the authenticity or something.

Oblivia: (In a small voice) What is going on…?

Director: I can’t believe this – we’re thousands over budget on a no-budget slasher, and now we’re on the verge of scrapping the whole thing because we can’t secure the set!

Actor 3: Can’t you just delete the messed-up parts and shoot over those?

Director: You know I’m using 8mm film!

Oblivia: Ooh, old school.

Director: (To Actor 4, who was helped back up to standing by the crew) Are you OK?

Actor 4: (Lifting up the mask and rubbing a growing bruise on the head) I think so, but I still can barely see a thing in this mask.

Director: Don’t worry about that – it makes you lumber around all over the place, which looks great.  (To the others) All right, just keep going and we’ll fix it in post.  (To Oblivia) And you –

Oblivia: Yes?

Director: Just watch, OK?

Oblivia: That’s mainly what I’ve been doing.  It’s been a lot of fun so far – you got any activities like this planned for tomorrow?

Director: We’ve gotta be out of here by tomorrow: our permits expire by then and the Scouts are coming in to hike the bird watch trail!

Oblivia: Oh, that’s too bad.

Director: (Walking back to the woods with the crew members as Actor 4 lowers the mask in place) Pick it up from “I have you now” – aaaaaaaand ACTION!

Masked Figure: (Raises the roaring chainsaw overhead) I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!

Campers 1-3: (Holding each other in terror) OH NO!

Oblivia: (Yawns) This is getting a bit repetitive – let me know how it ends in the morning, yeah?  Thanks.  (Turns away and walks into the bunkhouse as the other four watch)

Masked Figure: …YAHHHH!!!!

Campers 1-3: WAHHHH!!!!

(Masked Figure chases Campers 1, 2, and 3 into the woods again as Oblivia picks her way through the mess that Camper 1 had made earlier, then trips over Camper 4)

Oblivia: Oops, sorry.  (Sees the daggers sticking out of Actor 5’s chest) You OK?

Actor 5: (Spits out some more red liquid) Actually, could you grab me some water, please?  This stuff tastes disgusting.

Oblivia: Sure.  (Fills up a glass of water and hands it down to Actor 5)

Actor 5: Much obliged.  (Gulps the water, then swishes and spits out the mess back into the glass)

Oblivia: Whelp, I’m going to bed – you gonna be all right down there?

Actor 5: Oh yeah, just... waiting.

Oblivia: Cool-cool.  (Dives onto a bunk without changing into pajamas, tucks the blankets under her chin, and sighs in contentment) Well, that was something different.  I wonder if they’re all having as much fun as I am?

Story 559: Haunted Woods Misadventure: A Crossover Event!

             (At yet another ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if they dare….)

Employee: (Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Friend 1: (As both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah, but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in there?  You all expect corporate espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?

Employee: What?  Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”

Friend 2: Is that why the line for this thing is always so short?

Employee: Pretty much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday.  Guess the possibility of getting sued is too much of a scare for most people to handle.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.

Employee: (Peers over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes, then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group in there at a time.

Friend 1: Sure, thanks, we’re not going anywhere.  (Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride line.

Friend 2: Well, I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!

Friend 1: Yes, I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.

Friend 2: To be fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.

Friend 1: Then clearly some process improvement is needed.

(Both turn suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey!  Over here!”  from back by the main area of the farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a picnic table)

Friend 2: That was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?

Friend 1: I don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds of feet away!

Friend 2: (Holds up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?

Friend 1: (As Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement.  (Glances back over where the figures can no longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.

Friend 2: I hear ya.

(They then turn toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)

Friend 1: (To the group) Great time, huh?

Group: (Turning as one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)

Friend 2: Amazing how you have that effect on people.

Friend 1: (Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Friend 1: (To Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you that much, yeah?

Employee: Like you wouldn’t believe.  (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.

Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?

(They enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)

Friend 2: Whelp, this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.

Friend 1: Relax, they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.

Friend 2: Yeah, and I bet these are fake trees, too.

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: No!

Friend 1: Oh.  (They reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?

Friend 2: It doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.

Friend 1: OK…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s do that one!

Friend 2: Fine.

(They walk down the shadowy, fading path)

Friend 1: I’m telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here, I’m getting our money back.

Friend 2: Heh, good luck with that….

(At the Haunted Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a glorified walk?!

Sibling 1: That just means it’s really good!  And I thought you were all about the thrill rides?

Sibling 2: Yes, rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure.  If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the city.

Sibling 1: (Wiggles fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.

Employee: “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Sibling 1: Yeppers!  (They both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Sibling 2: Hold on, is there another group in there already?  Didn’t the forms say we should wait?

Employee: Nah, you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight.  Lots of people skip this one, especially considering what today is; can’t imagine why.

Sibling 2: Yeah, don’t remind me.

Sibling 1: Awesome!  (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We can take all the time we want!

Employee: (Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….

Sibling 2: (Looks askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on ahead, then.

Employee: (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle distance) Go on ahead, then….

Sibling 1: (Back to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?

Employee: (Still staring into the distance) What is time?

Sibling 2: (Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.

Sibling 1: (Trotting ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one!  (Starts running ahead, then turns around and runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they just get me!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad thing?

(They lightly shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)

(At another intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)

Friend 1: (Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.

Friend 2: We have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight line this whole time?!

Friend 1: I don’t know!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?!  Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!

Friend 2: (Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything anyway.  And the group ahead of us came out of here just fine.

Friend 1: Huh, I don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.

Friend 2: Unfortunately, yes.  I’m just surprised we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back to doing nothing.

Friend 1: I know!  I thought the woods would be haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.

Friend 2: Great: we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.

Friend 1: Hey, at this point, I’ll take it.

(They freeze in place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)

Friend 1: (Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is this it?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Friend 2: (Also whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here and we should run for our lives!

Friend 1: If we run, it’ll just chase us!  We need to stand and fight!

Friend 2: Using what for weapons?!

Friend 1: I don’t know – the power of friendship?!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)

Sibling 1: (As they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests) Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly) whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.

Sibling 1: (Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!

Sibling 2: Anyone we know!

Friend 1: (Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.

Sibling 2: You two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else was here tonight.

Friend 1: I have a forgettable face.

Friend 2: That’s weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was another group right before us.

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right, guess that job really is that soul-draining.

Friend 1: That’s what I said, too.

Sibling 1: So, you got lost just like us, huh?

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!

Friend 1: We are not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.

Sibling 2: Well, we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?

Friend 2: I’d say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right now.

Sibling 2: (Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?

(The other three take out their phones and tap them uselessly)

Friend 1: Shucks, I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted out of here!

Sibling 1: Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.

Sibling 2: No, it wouldn’t!  It’d be so embarrassing!

Sibling 1: Hey, listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13^th.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)

Sibling 2: I’m not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that day and now I’m being proven right again!  I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s all.

Friend 1: Ex – cuuuuse meee….

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 1: You said, “Friday the 13^th”?

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 2: Today’s Sunday the 13^th.

(All four furrow their brows at each other)

Sibling 2: Noooo, today’s Friday.  Have you two lost a weekend in here or something?

Friend 1: Ew, no; Friday the 13^th was last year.  This year was Leap Year so that date skipped Saturday and now it’s Sunday.  (To Friend 2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.

Sibling 1: Wait, Leap Year?  That’s next year.

Friend 1: Tell that to this past February 29.  (Laughs in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: 2023.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in borderline hysteria)

Friend 1: (Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here, Halloween and all, very funny.  E for Effort.

Sibling 2: (After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you think it is?

Friend 1: Yes, you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)

Sibling 1: 2024?!  (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)

Sibling 2: Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress.  (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.

Friend 1: All year last year.

Sibling 2: OK, fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S. Presidential Election, hm?

Friend 1: It hasn’t happened yet!

Sibling 2: …Oh right.

Friend 1: And why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s from the future?  I could just make up anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!

Sibling 2: All right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!

Friend 1: (Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!  (Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so there!

Sibling 2: (Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.

Friend 1: Seriously?! 

Friend 2: This is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!

Sibling 1: (Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum entanglement –

Sibling 2: Oh, so now you decide to use your physics degree?!  Can you wormhole us to the direction where we came in, then?!

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –

Sibling 2: Not.  Another.  Word.

Friend 1: (Holds up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out of the woods – somewhere.  Somewhen?

Friend 2: Taking this path is what led us here in the first place!  And now we’re stuck in the past and have to live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!

Friend 1: Or, contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the future, and have now lost a year.  (Turns to the other two) My condolences.

Sibling 2: I refuse to accept –

(All four freeze as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes and carrying a crossbow)

Hunter: Ah, fellow travelers… in strange clothing.  Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night?  (The other four scream and run down the path ahead) Hm.  I do worry about the English sometimes.

(The four stop after a few minutes to catch their breaths)

Friend 1: I don’t believe this!  I’m stuck into a time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)

Friend 2: (Straightens up) Wait – listen!  (They all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm… (Faint screams are heard) Yes!  Hear that?!  I’ve never been so happy to hear fake terror in all my life!

Sibling 1: Huzzah, we’re saved!  (Starts to run but Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes widen in realization)

Sibling 2: Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here?  We disappear, you disappear, what?

Friend 1: No idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!

Sibling 1: Huh?

Friend 1: You were the creep with my watch before we came in here!  I’d never seen you before, but now I see everything!

Sibling 1: “Creep”?!

Friend 2: (Leans in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh yeah, you’re right, it is them.  Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us in here, then?

Sibling 2: What?  No!

Sibling 1: Yeah, that sounds like way too much effort.

Friend 1: Here.  (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it, it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.

Sibling 1: (Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe will be created –

Sibling 2: Thank you, Professor Nerd.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?

Friend 2: Don’t have to tell me twice!  (They all run to the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Cups hands around mouth to shout) Remember!  “One year hence!”

Sibling 2: (Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight!  (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)

Friend 1: (Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)

Friend 1: (In an awed whisper) They vanished….

Friend 2: Yeah – away from you.  Let’s get out of here; I really wanna go home.

Friend 1: Just a second.  (Shouts at Employee who still is stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!  (Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?

Employee: (Covers shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I won’t!  (Runs away to the staff break room, “La-la-la!”-ing all the way)

Friend 2: (Holds out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.

Friend 1: (Nods once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.

(They jog back to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)

Sibling 1: (Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember us?  It’s been a year, for us anyway!  Here’s your watch!  (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend 1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!

Friend 1: (Examines it closely) Seems legit.  (To Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick sense of humor.

Sibling 1: Hey, it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!

Sibling 2: I have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight, but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago.  Hard to believe.

Friend 2: (Looking lost) Yes.  Considering that for us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

Sibling 1: Pretty life-changing, I’d say.  Meeting at a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!

Friend 1: Yeah.  Too bad we all signed an agreement that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and fortune.

Sibling 2: Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.

Story 558: There’s No Such Thing As Ghosts… Right?

             (At a haunted hayride/haunted barn/haunted corn maze/haunted pumpkin patch/haunted hibernating farm at night, employees guide cars to the makeshift parking lot made up of a grassy field and rope barriers)

Employee 1: (Unenthusiastically waving one last car to a space at the end of the current line) Yep, right here – right here – keep going – no, don’t turn there, turn where I’m waving – yes, your other right – there you go, you finally made it, congratulations – (In a slightly louder voice as the passengers exit the parked car) Enjoy your stay, if you dare, mwa-ha-ha.

Passenger: Uh, thanks.  (The passengers hurriedly trot away from Employee 1 and leap over or limbo under each lane’s ropes to reach the main entrance)

Employee 1: (Looks down and heaves a great sigh) Yeah, that’s it, I’d run away from me, too.

(Employee 2 ducks under a rope from the adjacent lane and waves at Employee 1)

Employee 2: Hey!

Employee 1: (Perks up and waves back) Oh, hi!

Employee 2: Boss says since it’s slow right now, we can take a cigarette break.

Employee 1: Um, sure, thanks.  (As they walk to a quieter area of the farm) But neither of us smoke?

Employee 2: Exactly.  (They both laugh wickedly.  After a few minutes’ walk, they perch on a hay bale overlooking the fields where customers stand on lines for almost an hour to get scared for 10 minutes; after getting settled, Employee 2 holds out a cigarette pack to Employee 1) Want one?

Employee 1: Ummm… what?

Employee 2: It’s candy – maintains the illusion.

Employee 1: Ah, got it; thanks.  (They each take a stick and ingest the sugar slowly)

Employee 2: So, enjoying your first season here?

Employee 1: (Shrugs) Eh.  I thought it’d be a little more exciting, but it looks like I’m gonna be stuck on parking guidance the whole time and that’s a little… monotonous.  Except when I almost get accidentally run over; that part’s exciting.

Employee 2: Yeah, I worked the barn last season as “Clown With Chainsaw” and almost got punched by overzealous clients so many times I lost track; parking duty is much more peaceful.

Employee 1: I guess.  I was thinking of asking to work the haunted corn maze, though – thought that might be fun.  You ever do that one?

Employee 2: (As they both finish the candy and pocket the sticks for disposal later)  Once, two seasons ago, and that was enough for me.  I spent more time helping people find their way out than actually trying to scare them: the panicked screams when the exit’s two feet away got to be a bit much.

Employee 1: Heh-heh, yeah…. Still, I’ve always been curious whether, you know….

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: (Leans in to whisper in glee) Whether the stories were true?

Employee 2: What, you mean the ghosts?

Employee 1: Ssh!  (Looks around in panic, then smiles and nods) Yeah!

Employee 2: (Scoffs) Please: there’s no such thing as ghosts.

Employee 1: Well, yeah, of course, obviously….

Employee 2: Mm-hm.

Employee 1: But still!

Employee 2: Ugh.

Employee 1: I mean, all those sightings, and the unexplained sounds, and people sensing a presence in the field when no one else is there, for decades!  It can’t be that everyone’s making it all up!

Employee 2: People see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, and sense what they want to sense.  Your own home was built on land where there’s been Revolutionary War battles, violence against indigenous peoples, and/or generations of miserable inhabitants and probably at least one murder, but have you ever seen any ghosts there?

Employee 1: Well… no….

Employee 2: There you go.  If ghosts were real, we’d be surrounded by hauntings 24/7 everywhere we went, not just the places where we know for sure something bad happened.

Employee 1: But the corn field is where those horrific murders took place and people say they’ve seen the victims wandering around looking for their lost body parts so I want to see them, too!

Employee 2: (Stares at Employee 1) You know how messed up that sounds, right?

Employee 1: Saying it out loud like that, yes.  But so many people say they’ve experienced something strange out there!

Employee 2: Like what?

Employee 1: Like… a sudden chill!  Or, hearing rustling cornstalks when there’s no breeze!  Or, weird glowing lights!

Employee 2: OK – (Counts off on fingers) it’s autumn; the cornstalks rustle when people cut through them in panic; and we all have lights, either flash or phone.

Employee 1: Fine, fine: but what about the apparitions?

Employee 2: They’re either seeing another group in there, or one of us pranking them.  Did it myself once: Boss wasn’t happy, since it was an – (Does air quotes) “Unauthorized Scare”, but I was in a mood that night and freaking people out was the only thing that cheered me up.

Employee 1: And you call me “messed up”?!

Employee 2: Hey, didn’t say I was proud of it.  (Especially loud screams are heard from the haunted barn as a group of teenagers run out the exit followed briefly by a werewolf, who then turns around and re-enters the building, shaking with laughter) You see?  People like being scared, and they want to believe there’s something beyond death and beyond this boring reality we’re stuck in.  Trust me, if I’d been horribly murdered, the last place I’d want to spend eternity in would be where my life was cut short, going nowhere and doing nothing.  I’d rather haunt a garden, where at least I could relax.

Employee 1: I guess, when you put it that way.  The whole concept of hauntings doesn’t make much sense now that I’m really thinking about it; our spirits or souls or whatever probably don’t have much choice where to go next when our bodies clock out at end of shift.

Employee 2: I know!  I’ll admit there’s unexplained phenomena out there, but if not all them are elaborate pranksters then I’ll take excess energy influencing an open mind over a dead human hovering around repeating their life’s highlight reel, any day.

Employee 1: (Looks off in thought) Yeah… yeah, that does sound like the more reasonable explanation.

Employee 2: I know it does.  (Sees movement at the edge of the hay bale and leans down to grab at it; Employee 1 looks over and sees Employee 2 holding a rat) Vampires, on the other hand… (Turns to Employee 1 and smiles with fangs showing) well, you mortals actually got those just about right.  (Chows down on the rat)

Employee 1: (Points weakly at Employee 2) Buh…. (Faints, collapsing onto the ground)

Employee 2: (Tosses away the rat and daintily wipes lips) Heh-heh-heh – I love this time of year.

Story 557: I Wish The Voice In My Head Would Shut Up Sometimes

             (On a job interview in an office, Interviewer and Everyperson are seated across the desk from each other)

Interviewer: (Holding resume with both hands and tapping the edge on the desk) So!  What would you say are your greatest strengths?

Everyperson: Well, I work hard, and I’m a quick learner –

<Voice In My Head:  HA!>

<Everyperson: Huh?>

<Voice In My Head: You haven’t been a “quick learner” in decades – the memory loss is getting worse and your confusion in new situations has become legendary.>

Everyperson: (Nods in finality at Interviewer) Uh-huh, yes.

Interviewer: OK… then, what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Everyperson: Oh, um….

<Voice In My Head: “UMMMMM”?!  We’ve talked about this.>

Everyperson: I sometimes focus on a task so much that I overlook other priorities, you know, because I care so much about getting the job done right….

Interviewer: Uh-huh….

Everyperson: But I’m working on that.

<Voice In My Head: Eh, could be better.  Seriously though, why are you practically begging to have your time monopolized and your so-called talents exploited by a company that’ll barely compensate you for the agita it’s going to inflict and that’ll replace you with a robot the first chance it gets?  And do you actually want to work for this clown?  I can see all the future arguments you two are going to have, stretching across the decades – want me to play them out for you?>

Interviewer: (Stands and holds out hand; Everyperson also stands and they shake hands) Whelp, thank you for your time, but we’re going to go in a different direction.

<Voice In My Head: Heh, knew that was coming.>

Everyperson: Oh.  Thank you – bye.  (Leaves the office)

<Voice In My Head: You really are no good at promoting yourself, you know that?  Now was the perfect time to have a memorable wrap-up in case they change their minds later, but nope: “bye” was all you could do.  (As Everyperson quickly walks through the main lobby to exit the building) And if you start crying, you’ll only be advertising your failure to all these passing strangers.>

Everyperson: (Through gritted teeth) Knock it off.

<Voice In My Head: You wish.>

(At a party)

(Everyperson stands with Guest next to a snack table, both holding full plates)

Guest: Nice to see you!  How’s everything been lately?

<Voice In My Head: Don’t say “A little of this, a little of that,” everyone knows that means “Nothing.”>

Everyperson: Well…

<Voice In My Head: Say “Not much, but hoping thing’s’ll change soon; how about you?”>

Everyperson: A little of this, a little of that; how about you?

<Voice In My Head: …I’m out.>

Guest: Well, you know all that’s been going on with the family lately – (Everyperson nods and takes a bite out of some bruschetta) I really don’t know how we’re going to get by with all the medical bills and the car payments and the school payments and the house payments and the other payments I’m forgetting right now.  I probably shouldn’t even be here tonight, but my partner and I haven’t been on an actual date in almost seven years, so, you know, it’s something.  Gotta take some time for yourself, I guess, right?

Everyperson: (Nods) Sure, everyone’s gotta be selfish one in a while.

Guest: …What?

Everyperson: (Blinks slowly) I’m… sorry, that was rude – could you excuse me for a minute, please?

Guest: Sure.  (Slightly turns away and scarfs down a pile of crackers and cheese)

<Everyperson digs into the basement of the mind and finds Voice In My Head sitting on a couch and playing a video game that had been finished ages ago>

<Voice In My Head: (Holding a laser rifle, engrossed in the space targets) Pew-pew-pew-pew!>

<Everyperson: Excuse me!>

<Voice In My Head: (Turns around to see Everyperson glaring) Oh, hi there.>

<Everyperson: Of all the times to shut your trap, you pick now?!>

<Voice In My Head: What, stuck your foot in your mouth again?>

<Everyperson: Yes!  The one time I actually need you to chime in and tell me not to say something hurtful or embarrassing, and you’re down here tucked away in Memory Lane!>

<Voice In My Head: Well, I got tired of you either ignoring me or sassing me back, so I figured might as well have some fun instead.  (Suddenly picks up the laser rifle and turns to the face the game again) I’ve got you now!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew! –  (Everyperson grabs Voice In My Head and drags the latter out of the basement) Ow!  This wasn’t part of our arrangement!>

(At a family dinner, numerous relatives are seated around a long dining room table)

Relative 1: And I have to say – I won’t be silenced anymore – I have to say, those people – (Rants for five minutes straight)

Everyperson: (Takes a breath to counter when the rant finally ends)

<Voice In My Head: Not a word – you’re a guest here, and you never make a coherent argument anyway so you’ll just make things worse.>

<Everyperson: But – >

<Voice In My Head: Nope.>

<Everyperson: I – >

<Voice In My Head: Zip it.>

<Everyperson: Can’t – >

<Voice In My Head: Clam up.>

<Everyperson: Grrr.>

<Voice In My Head: Don’t even grind your teeth – that’s louder than you think it would be.>

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) And I have to say, that is pure hogwash, and you are a pedantic twit!

(A shocked hush falls across the table until Relative 1 and 2 simultaneously have at it with furious invectives flung at each other while everyone else ducks for cover)

<Voice In My Head:  (Gestures at Relative 2) See?  That could have been you.>

<Everyperson: (Finding a good spot to hide with everyone else under the table) Not helping!>

<Voice In My Head: (Casually leaning back in chair as food begins to fly) You can thank me later.>

Story 556: Unnecessarily Unrequited Love

             [Based not on a true story but on all those series where the main characters pine after each other for years just to string the audience along]

(In a forest, our two attractive Leads run away from an unseen danger until they find a large tree to hide behind and have a scene)

Lead 1: (Scanning the cloudy skies through the treetops as Lead 2 sinks to the ground, gasping) Well, it’s official.

Lead 2: (Tries to peer around the tree trunk) What, we lost `em?

Lead 1: No, we lost us.  I have absolutely no idea where we are right now.

Lead 2: Oh, I could’ve told you that: we were lost the moment we set foot in here, so nowhere to go but out, I suppose.  (They both chuckle exhaustedly as Lead 1 flops down to sit next to Lead 2, backs-to-trunk) We just need to rest a few minutes, get our bearings, and then we can figure our way out of this mess.

Lead 1: Uh-huh.  (Checks cell phone) Still no service, so no one’s coming to find us.

Lead 2: Just our pursuer, heh-heh.

Lead 1: That’ll be our luck: the only one who finds us out here is the one we’re trying to get away from.  (Leans head back against the trunk and closes eyes in frustration)

Lead 2: C’mon, we’ve gotten out of worse scrapes than this.

Lead 1: (Opens eyes and turns in disbelief to Lead 2) Name one!

Lead 2: Um… well… there was that time we were stuck in that elevator that kept slipping until it dropped 40 stories and crashed spectacularly at the bottom, but we got out at the last second before all that happened, hm?

Lead 1: That’s because the fire department came along and got us out!  We didn’t get ourselves out of anything!

Lead 2: OK, um… how about the time I got wounded by the suspect we were after, and we were all alone in the middle of nowhere – kind of like now – and really thought that was it for me and said our heartfelt good-byes, yeah?  (Lead 1 stares in disbelief at Lead 2 again) Sure felt like the end then, but we got out all right.  And I only spent a few days in the hospital instead of a whole week like the doctor thought, so win-win!

Lead 1: The team traced our cell phones before we lost the signal and followed our path through the cornfield we’d trampled!  This place – (Gestures to the surrounding forest) has too much undergrowth to even leave decent footprints!  (Thunder rumbles and rain begins to fall) And now any tracks we might’ve had’ll be completely washed away, great.  (Leans back against the tree again)

Lead 2: On the bright side –

Lead 1: Ugh, you and your bright side; drives me bonkers.

Lead 2: You’d miss it if I stopped.  On the bright side, this rain means it’ll also be hard for our pursuer to find us, eh?  (Lightly nudges Lead 1, who gradually smiles) Eh?

Lead 1: Yeah, I guess you have a point there.

Lead 2: Of course I do.

(They sit in companionable, wet silence for a few moments)

Lead 1: (Picks up a piece of fallen bark and starts scratching it while not looking at Lead 2) You know, I really did think that when you got hurt, that was gonna be, you know….

Lead 2: What?

Lead 1: It.  For you.  (Still looking away from Lead 2) For a while, thought I was gonna lose you there.

Lead 2: (Smiles and holds Lead 1’s hand, making the latter look at the former) Never.  Who else’d torment you at work every day?

Lead 1: (Chuckles) Right, we do need a tormentor on our team.

Lead 2: (Looks at Lead 1 thoughtfully) I didn’t want to bring it up at the time, since there was a lot going on with the investigation still and I was recovering from the blood loss and all –

Lead 1: Yeah-yeah.

Lead 2: – but I always wondered afterward… is it because you thought I was going to “bite the big one,” so to speak… is that the reason why you almost kissed me then?

Lead 1: (Suddenly lets go of Lead 2’s hand) I – did not almost kiss you!

Lead 2: (Skeptically-raised eyebrows) Really.

Lead 1: Yes, I already said I thought it might be the end for us – you! – you, and so I just… hugged you very affectionately there.

Lead 2: I think I should point out that one hugs with their arms rather than their mouth.

Lead 1: Sorry, my aim was off!  I was very upset at the time!  (Stands and stalks a few feet away as the rain gets heavier) Besides, why are you bringing all this up now anyway?!  We’re supposed to be figuring out how to both get away from and catch whoever’s after us, and I’m out of ideas!

Lead 2: (Also stands and walks around to face Lead 1; both now need to shout to be heard over the rain) I brought it up because things are looking pretty bad for us right now and we may not be getting out of this one!

Lead 1: You’re the one who’s always looking on the bright side; glass half-full, rainbows after the rain and all; aren’t you supposed to be saying we’ll be just fine and we’ll laugh about all this back in the office tomorrow?

Lead 2: There you have it: saying things like that is definitely a sure sign we’re not gonna make it!  (Lead 1 scoffs) I don’t know; we’ve been through so much together, we’ve known each other for so long….

Lead 1: (Nods) It’ll be a decade next month, and I still refuse to believe that much time has passed without me even noticing it!

Lead 2: (Smiles) Yeah, me neither!  We’ve gotten to know each other really well, have each other’s back through thick and thin no matter what, met each other’s families, and all that!  We’re friends, right?

Lead 1: Of course!  How could you even ask me that at this point in our lives?!

Lead 2: Just checking!  So… maybe, maybe that’s part of the problem; maybe I got a little too comfortable, maybe I thought it’d make things awkward and we couldn’t work together anymore, or maybe I thought it would ruin everything –

Lead 1: I don’t think I like the way this conversation is going!

Lead 2: (Trying to wipe the pouring rain off of forehead and eyes) I’m sorry, maybe this is completely one-sided, maybe you’ll never want to speak to me again, but after almost dying that one time and still not saying anything I can’t have this be the end for either of us without telling you that… I’ve been in love with you for some time now!

Lead 1: …What?!

Lead 2: It’s kind of embarrassing to pour my heart out twice so I’d rather not repeat the whole thing again if you don’t mind!

Lead 1: But… I don’t believe it!

Lead 2: (Shakes head) I know!  And I will always be your friend-slash-investigative team support member, but I know I’ve also been like an annoying sibling to you for way too long, so if you don’t feel the same way I do, I completely understand!

Lead 1: But I thought it was just me!

Lead 2: …What?!

Lead 1: I thought you knew – like you said, we know each other so well, I thought you knew – (Lead 2 stares uncomprehendingly) I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud, but I’ve been in love with you for years!

Lead 2: (Eyes widen in shock) Years?!

Lead 1: I thought I was embarrassingly obvious about it, though I didn’t mean to be!  You really didn’t know?!

Lead 2: Well… no!  I thought you knew and were just being nice so my feelings wouldn’t be hurt!

Lead 1: “Nice”!?  Me?!  Never been accused of that before!

(They laugh ruefully)

Lead 2: Soooo… are we saying that… we’ve been in love with each other for a long time, but were too afraid the other didn’t feel the same way that we never said anything?!

Lead 1: Sounds like it!  If it wasn’t so stupid, I’d cry!  (Lead 2 laugh-cries in relief until a huge bang is heard; both turn to see that a bolt of lightning had struck a tree and severed a few large branches that crash to the ground dangerously near them; they turn back to each other) I think that’s our cue to boogie!

Lead 2: (Grabs Lead 1’s hand as the latter starts to run) Wait!  Now that we’re finally on the same page after all these years, I think that’s actually our cue to make out!

Lead 1: Now?!  We’re still on the run from a perp, and we’re also still on the clock!

Lead 2: We’re salaried – there is no clock!

Lead 1: Oh right!  No overtime either!  (They both look down and sigh in regret over that)

(A disturbance in the forest gets their attention as Pursuer emerges from a close group of trees)

Pursuer: Aha!  Caught you at last!  You’ll never drag me back to prison, never-ever-ever – !  (Lead 1 grabs one of the fallen branches and bonks Pursuer on the head with it) Dangit.  (Falls to the ground, unconscious)

Lead 2: Wow.  Maybe we should’ve led with that before we got lost in here.

Lead 1: (Tossing the branch away) I wasn’t in the right mindset for it earlier.

(The rain suddenly stops and the clouds part, allowing the Sun to shine down in symbolic relief on the two Leads)

Lead 2: (Looking up briefly) Perfect timing.  Well, now that the danger’s past and all is well with our little world again, how about we finally give the people what they want?

Lead 1: What people?

Lead 2: I dunno – the universe or something.

(They passionately embrace with the pent-up emotions of a near-decade’s worth of suppressed pining as the unseen audience swoons)

Lead 1: (As they break apart for air) Not to spoil the mood, but after the first thrills of us hooking up eventually cool down, we still have to find our way out of the woods, carry this bozo – (Nods head at Pursuer) all the way so we don’t have to start another chase, and have to deal with the snide remarks and “I knew it!”s from our team, and possibly a raised eyebrow from H.R.

Lead 2: (Nods thoughtfully) Whelp, the first three can’t be avoided, but what H.R. doesn’t know can’t hurt it.

Lead 1: I knew we were soulmates.

Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 554: Playing The Birthday Card

             (Honoree wakes up on birthday morning, stretches out arms and legs fully while in bed, then goes to the bedroom window and attempts to fling open the blinds, settling for a vigorous pulling of the chain instead)

Honoree: (Stretches out arms again to fully embrace the sunlight) Ahhhhh... what a glorious day to celebrate the world’s introduction to me.  (Picks up an ornate card that was propped up on the dresser) And what a day to finally use this….

(At a café)

Barista: (To a departing customer) Your-drink-will-be-brought-to-the-end-of-the-counter-thank-you-for-shopping-with-us-next-please.

Honoree: (Advancing to the front of the line) Hello, I would like a medium espresso, pumpkin-flavored since we’re in the season for it, and nothing else added, please.

Barista: That’ll-be-$5.95-plus-tip-if-you-find-it-in-your-heart-to-be-generous-but-if-not-I-won’t-judge-you.

Honoree: Ah, but I have this.  (Holds up the card for Barista to read)

Barista: (Eyes widen in shock) The Birthday Card?  You’re playing The Birthday Card?!

(All employee activity immediately stops as they turn toward the front counter as one)

Honoree: Oh yeah, I’m playing it.  ALL DAY.

Barista: Well then, everything here is free for you today!  Take the coffee, take a cookie, take a dinner, take the pastry case, all for you on the day of your birth, hooray!

Employees: (Gathering at the counter) Hooray!  (Clapping in unison) <“Happy-Happy Birthday/ We sing this song – ”>

Honoree: (Pockets the card) You can skip all that; just the free drink and I’ll be on my way.

Barista: Coming right up!  (To Employees) You heard the Birthday Customer!  Get going!

(Employees scatter in all directions to make the one drink)

Drive-Through Customer: Hey, you didn’t finish my order yet!

Barista: (Shouting through the window while still at the counter) Hold your horses, lazy!  (To Honoree) Are you sure there won’t be anything else?

Honoree: No, that’ll be all.  And since I now have extra change…. (Tucks a dollar into the tip jar) Least I could do.

Barista: (Hands over the drink) Most generous, oh Birthday Card Player!  Enjoy your day!

Honoree: Thank you; I will.  (Gingerly sips the coffee as other customers applaud) You’re too kind.  (To self while exiting the café) I could get used to this.

(At a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (Sees Honoree wandering onto the showroom floor and makes a beeline over with a huge smile) Helllooooo, and how may I assist you today?

Honoree: Yeah, which one’s your top-of-the-line, no-holds-barred, all-stops-pulled-out model, with all the bells and whistles that nobody really needs?

Sales Associate: (Guides Honoree to a monster vehicle) Why, that would be this year’s luxury tank – complete with both sun and moon roofs, autopilot, and mini-pool with a swim-up bar in the back; robot bartender optional.

Honoree: (Looks over the average-human-sized tires and nods) Yeah-yeah-yeah: I’ll take it.

Sales Associate: (Grin freezes slightly) Perhaps you would like to go on a test drive first – while we run a credit check – ?

Honoree: (Holds up The Birthday Card) I think you’ll find that isn’t necessary.

Sales Associate: (Eyes widen in shock) But of course – please forgive me, I had no idea – here are the keys.

Honoree: (Takes the keys held out by Sales Associate without looking away from the “car”) Thaaaank – you.  (Climbs into the driver’s seat using the built-in ladder and starts up the extremely loud engine) I’ll refer you to all my friends!

Sales Associate: (Weeping with joy) Oh, bless you!  And Happy Birthday!

Honoree: (While driving away) It sure is, woo-hoo!  (Crashes through the showroom window)

(At the top of Mount Everest, Honoree climbs down from a hovering private jet to stand on the peak and bask in the wonders of the natural world)

Honoree: (Slowly makes a 360° rotation in place, then nods approvingly) Pretty cool.  (Takes an inhale from an oxygen tank, peers down and sees a few climbers far below, then straightens up to gaze at the view again) Should I tell them it’s not really worth all that trouble?

(At NASA Headquarters, Honoree is escorted into the Administrator’s office)

Administrator: (Seated at a desk) I’m very busy – what do you want?

Honoree: (Sitting in a chair opposite) Yes, I would like Mars, please.  (Slides The Birthday Card across the desk)

Administrator: (Takes the card with a furious frown and examines it) Seems to be in order – (To Executive Assistant) Prep a space shuttle and crew, and get this Birthday Citizen the planet Mars immediately!

Executive Assistant: Right away, sir!  (Staff scurries to advance the space program by decades for a human expedition to, and relocation of, Mars)

Administrator: (To Honoree): Happy Birthday, kiddo – you earned it.

Honoree: (Leans back in seat and folds hands behind head) Indeed I did.

(That night, Honoree stands at the bedroom window again, staring fondly at the extremely close planet of Mars now taking up almost the entire night sky and disrupting bodies of water, the atmosphere, and gravity everywhere, and sighs contentedly)

Honoree: This is the best birthday ever.  (Holds up The Birthday Card to gaze lovingly at it for a few moments; brow suddenly furrows in thought) Wait a minute – I didn’t even realize – with this card, I have the power to change everything; I have the power to SAVE THE WORLD!  I can demand the end to all war, all hatred, all violence!  I can demand that everyone be fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, healthened – loved!  I can demand UTOPIA, right here, right now, and at last, there will be PEACE ON EARTH!  (Watch beeps 12:00 midnight) Oh well – maybe next year.