(Honoree wakes up on birthday morning, stretches out arms and legs fully while in bed, then goes to the bedroom window and attempts to fling open the blinds, settling for a vigorous pulling of the chain instead)
Honoree: (Stretches out arms again to fully embrace the sunlight) Ahhhhh... what a glorious day to celebrate the world’s introduction to me. (Picks up an ornate card that was propped up on the dresser) And what a day to finally use this….
(At a café)
Barista: (To a departing customer) Your-drink-will-be-brought-to-the-end-of-the-counter-thank-you-for-shopping-with-us-next-please.
Honoree: (Advancing to the front of the line) Hello, I would like a medium espresso, pumpkin-flavored since we’re in the season for it, and nothing else added, please.
Barista: That’ll-be-$5.95-plus-tip-if-you-find-it-in-your-heart-to-be-generous-but-if-not-I-won’t-judge-you.
Honoree: Ah, but I have this. (Holds up the card for Barista to read)
Barista: (Eyes widen in shock) The Birthday Card? You’re playing The Birthday Card?!
(All employee activity immediately stops as they turn toward the front counter as one)
Honoree: Oh yeah, I’m playing it. ALL DAY.
Barista: Well then, everything here is free for you today! Take the coffee, take a cookie, take a dinner, take the pastry case, all for you on the day of your birth, hooray!
Employees: (Gathering at the counter) Hooray! (Clapping in unison) <“Happy-Happy Birthday/ We sing this song – ”>
Honoree: (Pockets the card) You can skip all that; just the free drink and I’ll be on my way.
Barista: Coming right up! (To Employees) You heard the Birthday Customer! Get going!
(Employees scatter in all directions to make the one drink)
Drive-Through Customer: Hey, you didn’t finish my order yet!
Barista: (Shouting through the window while still at the counter) Hold your horses, lazy! (To Honoree) Are you sure there won’t be anything else?
Honoree: No, that’ll be all. And since I now have extra change…. (Tucks a dollar into the tip jar) Least I could do.
Barista: (Hands over the drink) Most generous, oh Birthday Card Player! Enjoy your day!
Honoree: Thank you; I will. (Gingerly sips the coffee as other customers applaud) You’re too kind. (To self while exiting the café) I could get used to this.
(At a car dealership)
Sales Associate: (Sees Honoree wandering onto the showroom floor and makes a beeline over with a huge smile) Helllooooo, and how may I assist you today?
Honoree: Yeah, which one’s your top-of-the-line, no-holds-barred, all-stops-pulled-out model, with all the bells and whistles that nobody really needs?
Sales Associate: (Guides Honoree to a monster vehicle) Why, that would be this year’s luxury tank – complete with both sun and moon roofs, autopilot, and mini-pool with a swim-up bar in the back; robot bartender optional.
Honoree: (Looks over the average-human-sized tires and nods) Yeah-yeah-yeah: I’ll take it.
Sales Associate: (Grin freezes slightly) Perhaps you would like to go on a test drive first – while we run a credit check – ?
Honoree: (Holds up The Birthday Card) I think you’ll find that isn’t necessary.
Sales Associate: (Eyes widen in shock) But of course – please forgive me, I had no idea – here are the keys.
Honoree: (Takes the keys held out by Sales Associate without looking away from the “car”) Thaaaank – you. (Climbs into the driver’s seat using the built-in ladder and starts up the extremely loud engine) I’ll refer you to all my friends!
Sales Associate: (Weeping with joy) Oh, bless you! And Happy Birthday!
Honoree: (While driving away) It sure is, woo-hoo! (Crashes through the showroom window)
(At the top of Mount Everest, Honoree climbs down from a hovering private jet to stand on the peak and bask in the wonders of the natural world)
Honoree: (Slowly makes a 360° rotation in place, then nods approvingly) Pretty cool. (Takes an inhale from an oxygen tank, peers down and sees a few climbers far below, then straightens up to gaze at the view again) Should I tell them it’s not really worth all that trouble?
(At NASA Headquarters, Honoree is escorted into the Administrator’s office)
Administrator: (Seated at a desk) I’m very busy – what do you want?
Honoree: (Sitting in a chair opposite) Yes, I would like Mars, please. (Slides The Birthday Card across the desk)
Administrator: (Takes the card with a furious frown and examines it) Seems to be in order – (To Executive Assistant) Prep a space shuttle and crew, and get this Birthday Citizen the planet Mars immediately!
Executive Assistant: Right away, sir! (Staff scurries to advance the space program by decades for a human expedition to, and relocation of, Mars)
Administrator: (To Honoree): Happy Birthday, kiddo – you earned it.
Honoree: (Leans back in seat and folds hands behind head) Indeed I did.
(That night, Honoree stands at the bedroom window again, staring fondly at the extremely close planet of Mars now taking up almost the entire night sky and disrupting bodies of water, the atmosphere, and gravity everywhere, and sighs contentedly)
Honoree: This is the best birthday ever. (Holds up The Birthday Card to gaze lovingly at it for a few moments; brow suddenly furrows in thought) Wait a minute – I didn’t even realize – with this card, I have the power to change everything; I have the power to SAVE THE WORLD! I can demand the end to all war, all hatred, all violence! I can demand that everyone be fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, healthened – loved! I can demand UTOPIA, right here, right now, and at last, there will be PEACE ON EARTH! (Watch beeps 12:00 midnight) Oh well – maybe next year.
