Story 556: Unnecessarily Unrequited Love

             [Based not on a true story but on all those series where the main characters pine after each other for years just to string the audience along]

(In a forest, our two attractive Leads run away from an unseen danger until they find a large tree to hide behind and have a scene)

Lead 1: (Scanning the cloudy skies through the treetops as Lead 2 sinks to the ground, gasping) Well, it’s official.

Lead 2: (Tries to peer around the tree trunk) What, we lost `em?

Lead 1: No, we lost us.  I have absolutely no idea where we are right now.

Lead 2: Oh, I could’ve told you that: we were lost the moment we set foot in here, so nowhere to go but out, I suppose.  (They both chuckle exhaustedly as Lead 1 flops down to sit next to Lead 2, backs-to-trunk) We just need to rest a few minutes, get our bearings, and then we can figure our way out of this mess.

Lead 1: Uh-huh.  (Checks cell phone) Still no service, so no one’s coming to find us.

Lead 2: Just our pursuer, heh-heh.

Lead 1: That’ll be our luck: the only one who finds us out here is the one we’re trying to get away from.  (Leans head back against the trunk and closes eyes in frustration)

Lead 2: C’mon, we’ve gotten out of worse scrapes than this.

Lead 1: (Opens eyes and turns in disbelief to Lead 2) Name one!

Lead 2: Um… well… there was that time we were stuck in that elevator that kept slipping until it dropped 40 stories and crashed spectacularly at the bottom, but we got out at the last second before all that happened, hm?

Lead 1: That’s because the fire department came along and got us out!  We didn’t get ourselves out of anything!

Lead 2: OK, um… how about the time I got wounded by the suspect we were after, and we were all alone in the middle of nowhere – kind of like now – and really thought that was it for me and said our heartfelt good-byes, yeah?  (Lead 1 stares in disbelief at Lead 2 again) Sure felt like the end then, but we got out all right.  And I only spent a few days in the hospital instead of a whole week like the doctor thought, so win-win!

Lead 1: The team traced our cell phones before we lost the signal and followed our path through the cornfield we’d trampled!  This place – (Gestures to the surrounding forest) has too much undergrowth to even leave decent footprints!  (Thunder rumbles and rain begins to fall) And now any tracks we might’ve had’ll be completely washed away, great.  (Leans back against the tree again)

Lead 2: On the bright side –

Lead 1: Ugh, you and your bright side; drives me bonkers.

Lead 2: You’d miss it if I stopped.  On the bright side, this rain means it’ll also be hard for our pursuer to find us, eh?  (Lightly nudges Lead 1, who gradually smiles) Eh?

Lead 1: Yeah, I guess you have a point there.

Lead 2: Of course I do.

(They sit in companionable, wet silence for a few moments)

Lead 1: (Picks up a piece of fallen bark and starts scratching it while not looking at Lead 2) You know, I really did think that when you got hurt, that was gonna be, you know….

Lead 2: What?

Lead 1: It.  For you.  (Still looking away from Lead 2) For a while, thought I was gonna lose you there.

Lead 2: (Smiles and holds Lead 1’s hand, making the latter look at the former) Never.  Who else’d torment you at work every day?

Lead 1: (Chuckles) Right, we do need a tormentor on our team.

Lead 2: (Looks at Lead 1 thoughtfully) I didn’t want to bring it up at the time, since there was a lot going on with the investigation still and I was recovering from the blood loss and all –

Lead 1: Yeah-yeah.

Lead 2: – but I always wondered afterward… is it because you thought I was going to “bite the big one,” so to speak… is that the reason why you almost kissed me then?

Lead 1: (Suddenly lets go of Lead 2’s hand) I – did not almost kiss you!

Lead 2: (Skeptically-raised eyebrows) Really.

Lead 1: Yes, I already said I thought it might be the end for us – you! – you, and so I just… hugged you very affectionately there.

Lead 2: I think I should point out that one hugs with their arms rather than their mouth.

Lead 1: Sorry, my aim was off!  I was very upset at the time!  (Stands and stalks a few feet away as the rain gets heavier) Besides, why are you bringing all this up now anyway?!  We’re supposed to be figuring out how to both get away from and catch whoever’s after us, and I’m out of ideas!

Lead 2: (Also stands and walks around to face Lead 1; both now need to shout to be heard over the rain) I brought it up because things are looking pretty bad for us right now and we may not be getting out of this one!

Lead 1: You’re the one who’s always looking on the bright side; glass half-full, rainbows after the rain and all; aren’t you supposed to be saying we’ll be just fine and we’ll laugh about all this back in the office tomorrow?

Lead 2: There you have it: saying things like that is definitely a sure sign we’re not gonna make it!  (Lead 1 scoffs) I don’t know; we’ve been through so much together, we’ve known each other for so long….

Lead 1: (Nods) It’ll be a decade next month, and I still refuse to believe that much time has passed without me even noticing it!

Lead 2: (Smiles) Yeah, me neither!  We’ve gotten to know each other really well, have each other’s back through thick and thin no matter what, met each other’s families, and all that!  We’re friends, right?

Lead 1: Of course!  How could you even ask me that at this point in our lives?!

Lead 2: Just checking!  So… maybe, maybe that’s part of the problem; maybe I got a little too comfortable, maybe I thought it’d make things awkward and we couldn’t work together anymore, or maybe I thought it would ruin everything –

Lead 1: I don’t think I like the way this conversation is going!

Lead 2: (Trying to wipe the pouring rain off of forehead and eyes) I’m sorry, maybe this is completely one-sided, maybe you’ll never want to speak to me again, but after almost dying that one time and still not saying anything I can’t have this be the end for either of us without telling you that… I’ve been in love with you for some time now!

Lead 1: …What?!

Lead 2: It’s kind of embarrassing to pour my heart out twice so I’d rather not repeat the whole thing again if you don’t mind!

Lead 1: But… I don’t believe it!

Lead 2: (Shakes head) I know!  And I will always be your friend-slash-investigative team support member, but I know I’ve also been like an annoying sibling to you for way too long, so if you don’t feel the same way I do, I completely understand!

Lead 1: But I thought it was just me!

Lead 2: …What?!

Lead 1: I thought you knew – like you said, we know each other so well, I thought you knew – (Lead 2 stares uncomprehendingly) I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud, but I’ve been in love with you for years!

Lead 2: (Eyes widen in shock) Years?!

Lead 1: I thought I was embarrassingly obvious about it, though I didn’t mean to be!  You really didn’t know?!

Lead 2: Well… no!  I thought you knew and were just being nice so my feelings wouldn’t be hurt!

Lead 1: “Nice”!?  Me?!  Never been accused of that before!

(They laugh ruefully)

Lead 2: Soooo… are we saying that… we’ve been in love with each other for a long time, but were too afraid the other didn’t feel the same way that we never said anything?!

Lead 1: Sounds like it!  If it wasn’t so stupid, I’d cry!  (Lead 2 laugh-cries in relief until a huge bang is heard; both turn to see that a bolt of lightning had struck a tree and severed a few large branches that crash to the ground dangerously near them; they turn back to each other) I think that’s our cue to boogie!

Lead 2: (Grabs Lead 1’s hand as the latter starts to run) Wait!  Now that we’re finally on the same page after all these years, I think that’s actually our cue to make out!

Lead 1: Now?!  We’re still on the run from a perp, and we’re also still on the clock!

Lead 2: We’re salaried – there is no clock!

Lead 1: Oh right!  No overtime either!  (They both look down and sigh in regret over that)

(A disturbance in the forest gets their attention as Pursuer emerges from a close group of trees)

Pursuer: Aha!  Caught you at last!  You’ll never drag me back to prison, never-ever-ever – !  (Lead 1 grabs one of the fallen branches and bonks Pursuer on the head with it) Dangit.  (Falls to the ground, unconscious)

Lead 2: Wow.  Maybe we should’ve led with that before we got lost in here.

Lead 1: (Tossing the branch away) I wasn’t in the right mindset for it earlier.

(The rain suddenly stops and the clouds part, allowing the Sun to shine down in symbolic relief on the two Leads)

Lead 2: (Looking up briefly) Perfect timing.  Well, now that the danger’s past and all is well with our little world again, how about we finally give the people what they want?

Lead 1: What people?

Lead 2: I dunno – the universe or something.

(They passionately embrace with the pent-up emotions of a near-decade’s worth of suppressed pining as the unseen audience swoons)

Lead 1: (As they break apart for air) Not to spoil the mood, but after the first thrills of us hooking up eventually cool down, we still have to find our way out of the woods, carry this bozo – (Nods head at Pursuer) all the way so we don’t have to start another chase, and have to deal with the snide remarks and “I knew it!”s from our team, and possibly a raised eyebrow from H.R.

Lead 2: (Nods thoughtfully) Whelp, the first three can’t be avoided, but what H.R. doesn’t know can’t hurt it.

Lead 1: I knew we were soulmates.

Story 328: You Sound Meaner in Writing

            (In an office, Coworker 1 walks to Coworker 2’s desk)

            Coworker 1: Hey, can I ask for a favor?

           Coworker 2: (Did not see Coworker 1 approaching and quickly closes a few windows on the monitor and fusses with items on the desk without looking up) Oh hi, sorry, really busy right now, doing that report you know, e-mails, calls, so much going on, not enough hours in the day, they don’t pay us enough for all this stress, right, what?  (Finally looks up at Coworker 1)

            Coworker 1: Still sneaking in ------------- fan fiction?  It’s been almost a year since the series finale.

            Coworker 2: I will never recover from that dumpster fire of an ending, do you hear me?!  So, how can I help?

            Coworker 1: I just got a notice to meet with the quality manager, and I need back-up.

            Coworker 2: Well, she won’t want to see me there: I wasn’t invited to the party.

         Coworker 1: It doesn’t matter, I’ll just say you’re there to take notes and you can doodle gibberish, I just – can’t face her alone.

          Coworker 2: Why not?  Did something happen between you two?  How would you guys’ve even met?  I’ve never seen her down here and everything’s done by e-mail anyway – she probably telecommutes from Tahiti for all we know.

           Coworker 1: No, she’s here, and e-mail’s the problem: going by that, I don’t think she likes me.

           Coworker 2: I’ll need some examples before passing judgement.

          Coworker 1: (Pulls out a phone and scrolls through the screens) OK, here’s one from about a month ago: “The report needs to be submitted by this afternoon; it can’t be late.  This is a State requirement.”  (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: OK, a bit brusque, but understandable: the State’s kind of a big deal.

           Coworker 1: All right – (Scrolls a bit) here’s a better one: “This has to be redone – there are too many errors for it to be sent on to Corporate.  If you send a corrected version by tomorrow, that would work.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay, so you messed up a report and got told to fix it before it went to the bigwigs?

             Coworker 1: That’s not the point – can’t you just feel the reproach oozing out of the screen?

             Coworker 2: I’d reproach you too if you’d sent me shoddy work.

          Coworker 1: All right, bad example.  (Scrolls a bit) Aha!  This one’s perfect: “Report received.  I will contact you next month for updates.”  (Looks expectantly at Coworker 2) Well?

            Coworker 2: Eh....

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: I guess a “Thank you” would’ve been nice –

            Coworker 1: Ha!

            Coworker 2: – but not mandatory, since whatever you sent in was, you know, part of your job.

           Coworker 1: You are no help whatsoever.  And the point is, I always seem to mess up around her, and she seems like she’s mad at me all the time, so I can’t face her in person without some kind of posse there with me!

           Coworker 2: OK, but what am I gonna do if she, I don’t know, rightfully reprimands you?  Tell her off?

          Coworker 1: No, I’m just hoping your mere presence will be enough to restrain her from completely removing my head.

          Coworker 2: I doubt it – she sent me an e-mail this morning saying that my presentation has too many slides that’ll make it go overtime when she shows it, which is true now that I step back from the situation and consider all factors, so, you know, there’s that.

             Coworker 1: Meeting’s at 3:00 in the conference room.

             Coworker 2: Oh fine.

3:00 IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

            (Coworkers 1 and 2 sit at a long table)

            Coworker 1: Can we use the 15-minute rule for work like we did in college?

            Coworker 2: (Playing on phone) If you’d like to get written up, sure.

            (They see the Quality Manager approaching through the room’s windows)

            Coworker 1: (Stands and mutters) OK, here she comes.

          Coworker 2: (Pockets phone and stands) By the way, you owe me a five pound chocolate bar for this.

            Coworker 1: Wha – ?!

           Quality Manager: (Enters the room, beaming widely) Hello!  It’s so great to finally meet you in person!  All this back-and-forth with e-mails, it gets to be so impersonal, don’t you think?

            Coworker 1: …A little bit.

           Quality Manager: (Laughs as they all sit at the table) I know: it’s so convenient and helps me get so much done, but people say I tend to be too to-the-point, you know what I mean?

            Coworker 1: Well….

           Quality Manager: By the way, thank you for always replying so quickly and sending me what I need right away!  I wish everyone had your work ethic!

            Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

           Quality Manager: (Chuckles while opening a laptop) Well, you certainly make my life easier – I don’t have to chase after you all the time for everything.  Now: this should only take about 10 minutes, but I wanted you to see the portal we’re going to start using soon and I figured it’d be easier if I showed it to you instead of sending you a training video or something.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, that’ll be great – thanks!

            (Back at Coworker 2’s desk)

          Coworker 2: So.  I could’ve been immersed in reading about my OTP sweetly hooking up multiple times as they should have in Season 57, and instead I got to sit there and listen to you being proven wrong.

            Coworker 1: “OTP?”

            Coworker 2: One True Pairing.

            Coworker 1: Seriously?

            Coworker 2: Don’t bash my ship!

            Coworker 1: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

         Coworker 2: Your loss.  Anyway, are you satisfied now that your e-mail foe was not the monster you’d built her up to be?

            Coworker 1: Yes, thank you – she was pleasant, and professional, and helpful, and, even, nice.

            Coworker 2: So there.  (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer)

         Coworker 1: (Standing next to the desk, staring into the middle distance) Now I wonder, though: does this mean that I come off as a horrible person in e-mail?!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up) I wouldn’t sweat it – without verbal inflections or body language to work with, almost anything you write can come across as mean and rude.  Why do you think I insert smiley faces in everything I send?  Otherwise, whatever I write reads like I think you’re all garbage.