Story 558: There’s No Such Thing As Ghosts… Right?

             (At a haunted hayride/haunted barn/haunted corn maze/haunted pumpkin patch/haunted hibernating farm at night, employees guide cars to the makeshift parking lot made up of a grassy field and rope barriers)

Employee 1: (Unenthusiastically waving one last car to a space at the end of the current line) Yep, right here – right here – keep going – no, don’t turn there, turn where I’m waving – yes, your other right – there you go, you finally made it, congratulations – (In a slightly louder voice as the passengers exit the parked car) Enjoy your stay, if you dare, mwa-ha-ha.

Passenger: Uh, thanks.  (The passengers hurriedly trot away from Employee 1 and leap over or limbo under each lane’s ropes to reach the main entrance)

Employee 1: (Looks down and heaves a great sigh) Yeah, that’s it, I’d run away from me, too.

(Employee 2 ducks under a rope from the adjacent lane and waves at Employee 1)

Employee 2: Hey!

Employee 1: (Perks up and waves back) Oh, hi!

Employee 2: Boss says since it’s slow right now, we can take a cigarette break.

Employee 1: Um, sure, thanks.  (As they walk to a quieter area of the farm) But neither of us smoke?

Employee 2: Exactly.  (They both laugh wickedly.  After a few minutes’ walk, they perch on a hay bale overlooking the fields where customers stand on lines for almost an hour to get scared for 10 minutes; after getting settled, Employee 2 holds out a cigarette pack to Employee 1) Want one?

Employee 1: Ummm… what?

Employee 2: It’s candy – maintains the illusion.

Employee 1: Ah, got it; thanks.  (They each take a stick and ingest the sugar slowly)

Employee 2: So, enjoying your first season here?

Employee 1: (Shrugs) Eh.  I thought it’d be a little more exciting, but it looks like I’m gonna be stuck on parking guidance the whole time and that’s a little… monotonous.  Except when I almost get accidentally run over; that part’s exciting.

Employee 2: Yeah, I worked the barn last season as “Clown With Chainsaw” and almost got punched by overzealous clients so many times I lost track; parking duty is much more peaceful.

Employee 1: I guess.  I was thinking of asking to work the haunted corn maze, though – thought that might be fun.  You ever do that one?

Employee 2: (As they both finish the candy and pocket the sticks for disposal later)  Once, two seasons ago, and that was enough for me.  I spent more time helping people find their way out than actually trying to scare them: the panicked screams when the exit’s two feet away got to be a bit much.

Employee 1: Heh-heh, yeah…. Still, I’ve always been curious whether, you know….

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: (Leans in to whisper in glee) Whether the stories were true?

Employee 2: What, you mean the ghosts?

Employee 1: Ssh!  (Looks around in panic, then smiles and nods) Yeah!

Employee 2: (Scoffs) Please: there’s no such thing as ghosts.

Employee 1: Well, yeah, of course, obviously….

Employee 2: Mm-hm.

Employee 1: But still!

Employee 2: Ugh.

Employee 1: I mean, all those sightings, and the unexplained sounds, and people sensing a presence in the field when no one else is there, for decades!  It can’t be that everyone’s making it all up!

Employee 2: People see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, and sense what they want to sense.  Your own home was built on land where there’s been Revolutionary War battles, violence against indigenous peoples, and/or generations of miserable inhabitants and probably at least one murder, but have you ever seen any ghosts there?

Employee 1: Well… no….

Employee 2: There you go.  If ghosts were real, we’d be surrounded by hauntings 24/7 everywhere we went, not just the places where we know for sure something bad happened.

Employee 1: But the corn field is where those horrific murders took place and people say they’ve seen the victims wandering around looking for their lost body parts so I want to see them, too!

Employee 2: (Stares at Employee 1) You know how messed up that sounds, right?

Employee 1: Saying it out loud like that, yes.  But so many people say they’ve experienced something strange out there!

Employee 2: Like what?

Employee 1: Like… a sudden chill!  Or, hearing rustling cornstalks when there’s no breeze!  Or, weird glowing lights!

Employee 2: OK – (Counts off on fingers) it’s autumn; the cornstalks rustle when people cut through them in panic; and we all have lights, either flash or phone.

Employee 1: Fine, fine: but what about the apparitions?

Employee 2: They’re either seeing another group in there, or one of us pranking them.  Did it myself once: Boss wasn’t happy, since it was an – (Does air quotes) “Unauthorized Scare”, but I was in a mood that night and freaking people out was the only thing that cheered me up.

Employee 1: And you call me “messed up”?!

Employee 2: Hey, didn’t say I was proud of it.  (Especially loud screams are heard from the haunted barn as a group of teenagers run out the exit followed briefly by a werewolf, who then turns around and re-enters the building, shaking with laughter) You see?  People like being scared, and they want to believe there’s something beyond death and beyond this boring reality we’re stuck in.  Trust me, if I’d been horribly murdered, the last place I’d want to spend eternity in would be where my life was cut short, going nowhere and doing nothing.  I’d rather haunt a garden, where at least I could relax.

Employee 1: I guess, when you put it that way.  The whole concept of hauntings doesn’t make much sense now that I’m really thinking about it; our spirits or souls or whatever probably don’t have much choice where to go next when our bodies clock out at end of shift.

Employee 2: I know!  I’ll admit there’s unexplained phenomena out there, but if not all them are elaborate pranksters then I’ll take excess energy influencing an open mind over a dead human hovering around repeating their life’s highlight reel, any day.

Employee 1: (Looks off in thought) Yeah… yeah, that does sound like the more reasonable explanation.

Employee 2: I know it does.  (Sees movement at the edge of the hay bale and leans down to grab at it; Employee 1 looks over and sees Employee 2 holding a rat) Vampires, on the other hand… (Turns to Employee 1 and smiles with fangs showing) well, you mortals actually got those just about right.  (Chows down on the rat)

Employee 1: (Points weakly at Employee 2) Buh…. (Faints, collapsing onto the ground)

Employee 2: (Tosses away the rat and daintily wipes lips) Heh-heh-heh – I love this time of year.