[A semi-parody of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and all those camp horror movies]
(At night in the woods, five figures sit around a campfire)
Camper 1: So, did anyone else get a weird invitation to come to this campsite and then found a note stabbed to their bunk’s pillow when they got here? (Others nod and hold up papers with dagger holes in the middle) Thought as much. Just to make sure we all got the same message – (Opens up another paper with a dagger hole in the middle and reads) “You thought you could get away with it, but you will be judged. By me. I will judge you. Fatally, if that wasn’t clear – ” (Crumples up the paper and tosses it into the fire) it goes on like that for a bit. I know we’re all strangers to each other, and if this note’s true for all of us then it seems we’re all pretty nasty pieces of work, but considering that there’s no cell phone service out here and all our cars’ tires were slashed somehow after we arrived with no one seeing and the only road in or out is now blocked by a sudden landslide from who-knows-where that happened who-knows-when and I doubt any of us know how to navigate by the stars or even basic cardinal directions to just walk on outta here, then we’re going to have to work together and trust each other to survive.
Camper 2: We’re all gonna die!
Camper 1: Don’t say stuff like that, it’ll start catching! Anywho, I might as well go first with the trust portion: my crimes are embezzlement, fraud, and egregious telemarketing, and if I’d known that this would be the final result of a lifetime of deceit… yeah, I probably still would’ve done it all again; I made a lot of money.
Camper 2: Well, if my only chance of surviving all this is your physical and emotional support, then here goes: my crime is, in the words of The Bard –
Camper 3: Ugh, Shakespeare, really?
Camper 2: Hush. In the words of The Bard, my crime is that I am “one that loved not wisely, but too well.”
Camper 3: Ugh, Othello, really?
Camper 4: Talk about inappropriate appropriation.
Camper 2: All right: I run a lonely hearts racket, and after I’ve taken all their money I post embarrassing videos my victims had sent me, for kicks and giggles. I blur their faces, but they know it’s them.
Camper 3: <Gasp!> That was you?!
Camper 2: …Maybe. There’s so many of us out there; who’s to tell?
Camper 1: (To Camper 3) What’s your story, then?
Camper 3: Oh, I e-mail ransomware viruses to major corporations and make them pay me millions to unlock their systems. Although, the other day I accidentally attacked my own bank and now I’m locked out of my accounts and it’s been a nightmare getting back in, so I guess the joke’s on me. I really shouldn’t have received an invite to this whole fiasco, you know – haven’t I been punished enough?
Camper 1: Gross. (To Camper 4) And you?
Camper 4: Wellllll, I suppose you could say that I make the most of what life has to offer: when I see an opportunity, I grab it with both hands and run away with it, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost –
Camper 1: You’re a porch pirate?
Camper 4: Yeah. (Briefly holds open one side of a jacket to show an array of accessories) I’ve actually found myself with an excess of smartwatches at the moment, if anyone’s interested.
Camper 1: Maybe later. (Turns to the fifth figure) And, last but not least: what brings you here?
Oblivia: (Looks up from a game of solitaire that is spread out on the ground) Hm? Oh: I think I turned off the main road too early – this isn’t the Relaxation Getaway Camp is it?
Camper 1: No, this is the Middle-of-Nowhere Doom Camp.
Oblivia: That’s too bad; probably won’t get my deposit back at this point, either.
Camper 2: Hold on: if you didn’t receive a threatening invitation and supposedly aren’t involved in any of this, how do we know you’re not the one who invited us all here and is planning to kill us, hm?!
Oblivia: (Stares blankly at Camper 2 for a few moments) Oh! Is this like dinner theater, only an outdoor camp version? OK, I call dibs on being the last victim!
Camper 2: Are you for real?!
Oblivia: All right, fine, you can be the last victim, then. I’ll be the detective if no one else wants it. (The others now stare blankly at Oblivia) So, anyone here bring s’mores? `Cause I sure didn’t.
(A masked figure with a roaring chainsaw comes charging out of the woods at them)
Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw high) JUSTICE!!!!!
Campers 1-4: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (They flee into the woods in four different directions)
Oblivia: (Still sitting at the campfire; points to the chainsaw) Oh hey, does that thing actually work?
Masked Figure: Huh? (Shakes head briefly, then runs off into the woods) JUSTICE!!!!!
Oblivia: (Starts poking the fire with a stick) Hm: wonder when the guided hike is supposed to start around here?
(In the woods, Campers 2 and 3 crash into each other)
Camper 2: (Holding bruised head) Ouch! I don’t wanna die!
Camper 3: (Also holding bruised head) It’s OK: as long as we stick together, we’ll be all right! I think.
Camper 2: Aw, you still want to stick together even after I posed that video of you ugly-crying about your kindergarten birthday party?
Camper 3: It was my second grade birthday party, and I already hacked your social media accounts to post only controversial opinions from now on, so we’re even.
Camper 2: Oh good; I was afraid things between us would be weird.
(They crouch down behind a large tree upon hearing heavy footsteps approaching)
Camper 3: (Whispering frantically) This is it! What do we do?!
Camper 2: (Also whispering) Run some more?
Camper 3: (Grabs a large fallen branch) I think the time has come for us to fight back!
Camper 2: You’re so brave! (Starts to retreat to another tree) I’ll cheer you on from over here.
Camper 3: Uh-uh. (Hands another branch to Camper 2) You’re my back-up.
Camper 2: (Tentatively takes the branch with two fingers) Um… you sure about that?
(They crouch lower behind the tree as the footsteps get louder; they see Masked Figure through the trees stomping their way, closer, and closer, and – )
Oblivia: (Strolls up behind Camper 2 and Camper 3) Oh hey, maybe you two can help: could you point me in the direction of the lake so I can do some moonlight swimming or fishing or something?
Camper 3: (Turning around to Oblivia) You – !
Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw and runs toward the group) JUSTICE!!!!!
Camper 2 and Camper 3: (Dropping the branches and running away) AIIIIIIII!!!!!!
Oblivia: (Watching all three run, then shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction) Gotta be around here somewhere….
(Camper 1 arrives at the main bunkhouse, bursts through the front door, and starts frenziedly searching through possessions and beds)
Camper 1: (Muttering) Where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the – (Opens a closet door and Camper 4 falls out, landing on the floor and clutching four daggers to the chest) OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING!!!
Camper 4: (Spitting out blood) Avenge – me –
Camper 1: I will, I swear it! But first, tell me – (Grabs Camper 4’s shoulders and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) did you take my shipment of vintage T-shirts I’d been waiting weeks to arrive?!
Camper 4: (Shifty-eyed) …Well, if the box was just sitting right out there in the open –
Camper 1: Never mind: justice has been served. (Walks away from Camper 4 and back outside)
Camper 4: …Blast….
(As Camper 1 stands on the bunkhouse steps, deep in thought, Camper 2 and Camper 3 run out of the woods nearby)
Camper 3: Oh good, you’re still alive!
Camper 1: I am – one of us didn’t make it. (Jerks head back toward the interior of the bunkhouse)
Camper 2: Ew, I don’t wanna see that.
Camper 1: (Descends the steps to join the others) So, we need to come up with a plan to save our skins, fast.
Camper 2: How about we dig a giant pit, line the inside with sharpened stakes, and cover the whole thing with a quilt made out of sewn leaves?
Camper 1: With what tools? And with what time?
Camper 2: You said come up with a plan fast!
Camper 3: Oh, I got it!
Camper 1 and Camper 2: Yeah?!
Camper 3: We call the cops!
Camper 1: Our phones don’t work!
Camper 3: Oh yeah – why’d I think of that, then?
Camper 2: (Hopping up and down on alternating feet) Ooooh-ooooh – he’s gonna be here any minute, I just know it!
(They all freeze in horror, then slowly turn as they hear quick footsteps coming through the woods)
Camper 1: This is it! And I still have no idea what to do!
Camper 3: Well, he can’t get all of us if we stay in a group, right? (The other two look balefully at Camper 3) Right?
(The footsteps get louder and louder)
Oblivia: (Emerging from the woods, holding a flashlight and a water bottle) Oh hey, there you all are – I just finished the moderate trail, which was a joke; anyone want to join me on the difficult trail and see if that’s an actual challenge?
Camper 1: (Points to Oblivia) You!
Oblivia: Me, yes?
Camper 1: (As all three approach Oblivia) He’s not after you! We’ll use you as a body shield. (Moves to grab her by the shirt collar)
Oblivia: (Instead grabs Camper 1’s wrist and twists, making the latter writhe and nearly fall, and then lets go) Excuse me, but if you all feel that you’re in such distress, then why don’t you just call the cops?
Camper 3: That’s what I said!
Camper 2: There’s no cell service out here!
Oblivia: Yeah, but I think that thing probably still works. (Points to a nearby payphone)
Camper 3: Oh, that’s why I said what I said! I just forgot why I’d said it!
(All four run to the payphone)
Camper 1: (Reads the label) Calls are $1.00?!
Camper 2: Anybody got any loose change?
(They all check their pockets)
Camper 1: (Counting coins on an upturned palm) I have 47¢.
Camper 2: I have nothing.
Camper 3: I only have a penny; I had two quarters, but I wound up throwing them in the tip jar for snacks and coffee at the gas station – the bill was over $30, so they were not happy.
Oblivia: I have a $100, but it’s a fake.
Camper 1: Daaaaaaaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiit –
Oblivia: Wait, I have an idea. (Picks up the receiver and dials a lot of numbers)
Voice: I’m sorry, 9-1-1 does not accept collect calls.
Oblivia: (Hangs up) Worth a shot.
Camper: Wait-wait-wait, what are we doing, 9-1-1’s a free call! (Picks up the receiver and dials; there is one ring, then silence) What – ?
Masked Figure: (Pops up from behind the payphone, holding up the roaring chainsaw in one hand and a severed wire in the other) AHA!
(The Campers jump and scream)
Oblivia: (To Masked Figure) Wow, you sure are stealthy.
Masked Figure: I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE – (Oblivia lobs the flashlight at Masked Figure’s head and knocks him down) OW! Hey!
Director: (Bursts out of the woods with several crew members) CUT! What just happened?!
Actor 1: I dunno, Boss, you told us to keep going no matter what.
Actor 2: Yeah, I thought maybe she was a new hire you brought in to keep us on our toes or add to the authenticity or something.
Oblivia: (In a small voice) What is going on…?
Director: I can’t believe this – we’re thousands over budget on a no-budget slasher, and now we’re on the verge of scrapping the whole thing because we can’t secure the set!
Actor 3: Can’t you just delete the messed-up parts and shoot over those?
Director: You know I’m using 8mm film!
Oblivia: Ooh, old school.
Director: (To Actor 4, who was helped back up to standing by the crew) Are you OK?
Actor 4: (Lifting up the mask and rubbing a growing bruise on the head) I think so, but I still can barely see a thing in this mask.
Director: Don’t worry about that – it makes you lumber around all over the place, which looks great. (To the others) All right, just keep going and we’ll fix it in post. (To Oblivia) And you –
Oblivia: Yes?
Director: Just watch, OK?
Oblivia: That’s mainly what I’ve been doing. It’s been a lot of fun so far – you got any activities like this planned for tomorrow?
Director: We’ve gotta be out of here by tomorrow: our permits expire by then and the Scouts are coming in to hike the bird watch trail!
Oblivia: Oh, that’s too bad.
Director: (Walking back to the woods with the crew members as Actor 4 lowers the mask in place) Pick it up from “I have you now” – aaaaaaaand ACTION!
Masked Figure: (Raises the roaring chainsaw overhead) I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!
Campers 1-3: (Holding each other in terror) OH NO!
Oblivia: (Yawns) This is getting a bit repetitive – let me know how it ends in the morning, yeah? Thanks. (Turns away and walks into the bunkhouse as the other four watch)
Masked Figure: …YAHHHH!!!!
Campers 1-3: WAHHHH!!!!
(Masked Figure chases Campers 1, 2, and 3 into the woods again as Oblivia picks her way through the mess that Camper 1 had made earlier, then trips over Camper 4)
Oblivia: Oops, sorry. (Sees the daggers sticking out of Actor 5’s chest) You OK?
Actor 5: (Spits out some more red liquid) Actually, could you grab me some water, please? This stuff tastes disgusting.
Oblivia: Sure. (Fills up a glass of water and hands it down to Actor 5)
Actor 5: Much obliged. (Gulps the water, then swishes and spits out the mess back into the glass)
Oblivia: Whelp, I’m going to bed – you gonna be all right down there?
Actor 5: Oh yeah, just... waiting.
Oblivia: Cool-cool. (Dives onto a bunk without changing into pajamas, tucks the blankets under her chin, and sighs in contentment) Well, that was something different. I wonder if they’re all having as much fun as I am?
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