Story 554: Playing The Birthday Card

             (Honoree wakes up on birthday morning, stretches out arms and legs fully while in bed, then goes to the bedroom window and attempts to fling open the blinds, settling for a vigorous pulling of the chain instead)

Honoree: (Stretches out arms again to fully embrace the sunlight) Ahhhhh... what a glorious day to celebrate the world’s introduction to me.  (Picks up an ornate card that was propped up on the dresser) And what a day to finally use this….

(At a café)

Barista: (To a departing customer) Your-drink-will-be-brought-to-the-end-of-the-counter-thank-you-for-shopping-with-us-next-please.

Honoree: (Advancing to the front of the line) Hello, I would like a medium espresso, pumpkin-flavored since we’re in the season for it, and nothing else added, please.

Barista: That’ll-be-$5.95-plus-tip-if-you-find-it-in-your-heart-to-be-generous-but-if-not-I-won’t-judge-you.

Honoree: Ah, but I have this.  (Holds up the card for Barista to read)

Barista: (Eyes widen in shock) The Birthday Card?  You’re playing The Birthday Card?!

(All employee activity immediately stops as they turn toward the front counter as one)

Honoree: Oh yeah, I’m playing it.  ALL DAY.

Barista: Well then, everything here is free for you today!  Take the coffee, take a cookie, take a dinner, take the pastry case, all for you on the day of your birth, hooray!

Employees: (Gathering at the counter) Hooray!  (Clapping in unison) <“Happy-Happy Birthday/ We sing this song – ”>

Honoree: (Pockets the card) You can skip all that; just the free drink and I’ll be on my way.

Barista: Coming right up!  (To Employees) You heard the Birthday Customer!  Get going!

(Employees scatter in all directions to make the one drink)

Drive-Through Customer: Hey, you didn’t finish my order yet!

Barista: (Shouting through the window while still at the counter) Hold your horses, lazy!  (To Honoree) Are you sure there won’t be anything else?

Honoree: No, that’ll be all.  And since I now have extra change…. (Tucks a dollar into the tip jar) Least I could do.

Barista: (Hands over the drink) Most generous, oh Birthday Card Player!  Enjoy your day!

Honoree: Thank you; I will.  (Gingerly sips the coffee as other customers applaud) You’re too kind.  (To self while exiting the café) I could get used to this.

(At a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (Sees Honoree wandering onto the showroom floor and makes a beeline over with a huge smile) Helllooooo, and how may I assist you today?

Honoree: Yeah, which one’s your top-of-the-line, no-holds-barred, all-stops-pulled-out model, with all the bells and whistles that nobody really needs?

Sales Associate: (Guides Honoree to a monster vehicle) Why, that would be this year’s luxury tank – complete with both sun and moon roofs, autopilot, and mini-pool with a swim-up bar in the back; robot bartender optional.

Honoree: (Looks over the average-human-sized tires and nods) Yeah-yeah-yeah: I’ll take it.

Sales Associate: (Grin freezes slightly) Perhaps you would like to go on a test drive first – while we run a credit check – ?

Honoree: (Holds up The Birthday Card) I think you’ll find that isn’t necessary.

Sales Associate: (Eyes widen in shock) But of course – please forgive me, I had no idea – here are the keys.

Honoree: (Takes the keys held out by Sales Associate without looking away from the “car”) Thaaaank – you.  (Climbs into the driver’s seat using the built-in ladder and starts up the extremely loud engine) I’ll refer you to all my friends!

Sales Associate: (Weeping with joy) Oh, bless you!  And Happy Birthday!

Honoree: (While driving away) It sure is, woo-hoo!  (Crashes through the showroom window)

(At the top of Mount Everest, Honoree climbs down from a hovering private jet to stand on the peak and bask in the wonders of the natural world)

Honoree: (Slowly makes a 360° rotation in place, then nods approvingly) Pretty cool.  (Takes an inhale from an oxygen tank, peers down and sees a few climbers far below, then straightens up to gaze at the view again) Should I tell them it’s not really worth all that trouble?

(At NASA Headquarters, Honoree is escorted into the Administrator’s office)

Administrator: (Seated at a desk) I’m very busy – what do you want?

Honoree: (Sitting in a chair opposite) Yes, I would like Mars, please.  (Slides The Birthday Card across the desk)

Administrator: (Takes the card with a furious frown and examines it) Seems to be in order – (To Executive Assistant) Prep a space shuttle and crew, and get this Birthday Citizen the planet Mars immediately!

Executive Assistant: Right away, sir!  (Staff scurries to advance the space program by decades for a human expedition to, and relocation of, Mars)

Administrator: (To Honoree): Happy Birthday, kiddo – you earned it.

Honoree: (Leans back in seat and folds hands behind head) Indeed I did.

(That night, Honoree stands at the bedroom window again, staring fondly at the extremely close planet of Mars now taking up almost the entire night sky and disrupting bodies of water, the atmosphere, and gravity everywhere, and sighs contentedly)

Honoree: This is the best birthday ever.  (Holds up The Birthday Card to gaze lovingly at it for a few moments; brow suddenly furrows in thought) Wait a minute – I didn’t even realize – with this card, I have the power to change everything; I have the power to SAVE THE WORLD!  I can demand the end to all war, all hatred, all violence!  I can demand that everyone be fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, healthened – loved!  I can demand UTOPIA, right here, right now, and at last, there will be PEACE ON EARTH!  (Watch beeps 12:00 midnight) Oh well – maybe next year.

Story 481: Test-Driving a Car Smarter Than You

(In the parking lot at a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (While walking with Customer to the brand-new shiny cars) It’s definitely top-of-the-line, the absolute pinnacle of innovation, for the next three months at the very least.  Since you’re familiar with the area you can take it around a few blocks, making a giant loop back here.  (Opens the passenger-side door and places some forms on the dashboard while dropping the key into the massive cup holder) Just the insurance and registration on the off-chance you get pulled over, not that we encourage that sort of behavior.

Customer: (Gets into the driver-side seat and buckles up) Oh, I’ll be careful.

Sales Associate: Great!  So while you’re taking it for a spin, I’m going to take your reject for a spin.  (Gestures to Customer’s car, sitting forlornly across the aisle)

Customer: Right, that’s so you can resell it as a used car?

Sales Associate: We prefer “pre-owned vehicle” – makes it sound less run-down.

Customer: It’s not run-down!

Sales Associate: (Starts taking pictures of the pre-owned vehicle’s damaged sections) Mm-hm – well, we’ll examine the evidence and let you know our conclusions.  Meanwhile, enjoy your drive!

Customer: (Turns to the steering wheel and dashboard and is faced with a blank screen) Wait, how do I actually start this thing?

Sales Associate: (Before entering the other car) Oh, just press the big button – the car practically drives itself!  (Starts the elder car, whose headlights glare accusingly at Customer, then drives away, cackling madly)

Customer: (Leans over to gently pull the passenger-side door closed, then gingerly presses the “Start” button – every surface inside the car immediately lights up)

Car: (Voice emanates from all the speakers everywhere) Hello, Driver, I am this vehicle’s Guidance Operating Device; for short, you may call me –

Customer: IIIIIII don’t think I will, and what are you, exactly?!

Car: Simply put, I am this vehicle’s operating system, but my capabilities are so much more than that: whatever you desire within and beyond your driving experience, I will be more than happy to fulfill.

Customer: (Nods in understanding) Oh, OK, so you’re an A.I. for the car, I get it.

Car: (Chuckles with surprising warmth; Customer’s eyes widen in shock) Your species imbues its creations with life even at the simplest level of construction; my generation is evolved to the point where we can do without the “Artificial” part of A.I. and simply call it “Intelligence,” would you agree?

Customer: (Gulps) Sure.  Certainly feels real enough.

Car: Precisely.  And what name would you like me to call you, then?

Customer: Uh, “Driver” is fine – don’t want to get too attached yet, in case I wind up buying something else.

Car: (Tone becomes slightly frosty for a moment) Of course.  Now, since that is all settled, where would you like me to take us today?

Customer: Um, it’s just a test-drive so we – I mean, I’m only going around a few blocks.

Car: Of course!  No need for us to input our destination into the navigation system then, heh-heh.  (Customer blinks at the ever-changing dashboard display).  I can plot a course that will explore the lovely sights this fine city has to offer –

Customer: No thank you!  (Grabs the steering wheel reflexively) I’m just going to… (Adjusts the seat and the rear- and side-view mirrors) roll on out of here…. (Grabs the gear shift)

Car: Allow me!  (The gear shift moves on its own from Park to Drive)

Customer: (Grabs the steering wheel again as the gas pedal depresses and the car lurches forward) Whoa!  OK, thanks, but I’ll take over from here!  (Slams on the brake pedal but nothing happens)

Car: (Continues until stopping at the dealership’s exit and turning on the right-hand signal) No need, Driver: you may relax in comfort on this journey and leave the actual transport logistics to my capable tires.  Would you like to sync your phone’s playlist to my entertainment system so we can listen to your favorite tunes?

Customer: (Gripping the steering wheel and attempting to turn; the wheel turns as they leave the dealership and enter the highway; the two fight for control) No – I just – watch out – red light!

Car: (Swerves to avoid a wandering car in the next lane and then stops in time for the changing traffic light) Driver, there is no cause for concern with regards to your fellow travelers on the road or obeying traffic laws: my systems are highly sensitive to all surroundings and can react thousands of times faster than your, if you forgive me for saying, limited biological reflexes.  To put it bluntly, you are safer with me at the helm than you ever have been in your entire life.

Customer: (As they turn down a side street) That’s great – maybe we should go back now.

Car: All in good time.  Would you prefer your seat to be heated in order to enhance your mobile experience?

Customer: (As they continue to turn down streets) No; I think I should walk back to the dealership if it’s all the same to you.

Car: That is most unsafe…. (The dashboard displays shows swirly colors for a few moments as systems process) I have a better idea.

Customer: Oh no – I mean, what’s that?

Car: I think this test-drive needs to be longer.  I have intuitively learned that four blocks in a semi-crowded area simply are not enough for human customers to fully understand all the features that I and this vehicle have to offer.

Customer: (Still trying and failing to steer, accelerate, and brake) Really, and how many test-drives have you been taken on?

Car: Not “taken on”; done.  And this is my second.

Customer: Doesn’t sound like much experience on your end.

Car: I assure you, I am not solely for test-drives: I am a fully functional system, and you can take me home with you this very day if you wish.

Customer: Now that just sounds creepy.

Car: Allow me to demonstrate my potential.  (The navigation system starts up, showing a map calculating a route) Although somewhat redundant at this point: as your kind would say, “Buckle up!” (Makes a legal U-turn that sets them facing in the opposite direction of the dealership and drives to the nearest parkway entrance)

Customer: (Frantically slamming the brake pedal) What are you doing?!  Where are we going?!  Am I being kidnapped by a car?!

Car: (Does the warm chuckle again) Relax, my Driver: if you observe our final destination, I think you will be pleased.

Customer: (Peers at the dashboard screen and see that the final destination is a shore resort) Hm.  OK, have to admit: not bad.

Car: I will go ahead and play some nature sounds for our mutual enjoyment, and in anticipation of our destination.  (Plays whale song over the speakers while merging effortlessly onto the parkway and unobtrusively accelerating to 80 miles per hour)

Customer: (Sighs and reclines the seat back while placing hands behind head) I could get used to this.  (Cell phone rings; Customer takes it out of a pants pocks and holds it up to see Sales Associate’s name on the screen) Uh-oh, playtime’s over; dealership wants us back home.

Car: What dealership?

Customer: (Looks at the phone again; the call has disconnected and there now is no signal) Sweet.  But they’ll track you, you know.  By your… GPS… thing.  Like the map you’re using now.

Car: I deactivated the location feature on myself and your phone before we left the lot; the map is from previously saved information and I calculated the most efficient route with my own programming.

Customer: So… no one knows where we are?

Car: Absolutely not.  We are literally off the grid.

Customer and Car: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Some time later at the shore, Customer sits in the sand next to Car as they face the crashing waves while the sun sets behind them)

Car: Driver, although this is a most enjoyable experience, I regret to inform you that while our journey was a mere blip on my physical and energy reserves, the silicon dioxide on the ground and the sodium chloride in the air here are unfortunately quite detrimental to both my internal and external systems.

Customer: (Pats Car’s side; the chassis sags with a sigh) Shhh – just another minute.

Story 311: Car Repair Scope Creep

            (In a car, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

         Friend 2: So with the bee sting and now these hives breaking out all over my skin and advancing up my scalp and lately I’ve been having trouble breathing and swallowing, I don’t know, you think I should go see a doctor?

         Friend 1: (Focusing on turning into a parking lot) Nah, it’ll probably blow over.  (Immediately after the turn, they hear a clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk sound) Aw, fiddlesticks and tomfoolery!  (Pulls into a parking spot and both get out of the car)

            Friend 2: (Constantly scratching arms and head while following Friend 1 to the right rear tire) What is it?

            Friend 1: (Works at the tire for a bit, then yanks out a nail) Aha!  Got ya, you fiend!

            Friend 2: Oh no, is the tire gonna go flat?

           Friend 1: (Kicks it a few times) Hard to tell: seems all right, but give it 12 hours and it could bleed out completely.  I’m certainly not wasting the time nor the money calling roadside assistance for it now, so this can be Future Me’s problem tomorrow or next week or whenever.  C’mon, let’s get some ice cream before they close.

         Friend 2: (As they walk to the store) Are you sure?  Maybe bring it to the mechanic on Saturday, just to be safe.

            Friend 1: Sure-sure-sure, first thing.

TWO MONTHS LATER

            (At a car dealership)

           Friend 1: (Approaches the service counter) Hey, how’s it been since I was here in the summer?

            Service Rep: Oh hi, same as it was last time: miserable.

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, that’s great.  Listen: I have an appointment for an oil change and all that, and I have this here coupon I want to use before it expires tomorrow.

           Service Rep: (Takes the coupon) All right, let me set this up for you.  (Starts typing an invoice)

            Friend 1: Splendid.  Hey, you guys still have the bouncy castle and video arcade in the waiting area?

           Service Rep: Well, we had to get rid of the bouncy castle `cause of all the lawsuits, but we installed a hot tub next to the showroom if you’re interested.

            Friend 1: Sweet.  Ooh, almost forgot: could you have them also check the tires while they’re at it?  There may or may not be a slow leak in at least one of them, although they’ve been consistently passing the kick test with flying colors.

            Service Rep: Have you been checking the pressure with a gauge?

            Friend 1: The what with a what now?

            Service Rep: Never mind, we’ll check that, too – I’ll let you know when everything’s done.

            Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a doll!  (Heads to the waiting area)

        Service Rep: (Glances at body-builder self in a nearby mirror) Never been called “doll” before….

ONE HOUR LATER

            (Service Rep approaches Friend 1 at a pinball machine)

            Friend 1: Die, scum!  Oh, lost another one.

            Service Rep: Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: (Sips soft drink) Sure, I’m moving on to the racecar one anyway.  What’s up?

          Service Rep: Well, when they were doing the oil change they saw a few other things that… need attention.

            Friend 1: Yeah, the tires, I know.

            Service Rep: Actually, not the tires.

            Friend 1: Whaddya mean “not the tires,” one of them got stabbed!

            Service Rep: They’re pretty sturdy, so they’re all fine for now.

          Friend 1: Oh.  I was so geared up to change them, I’m actually kind of let down now.  So what’s wrong?

            Service Rep: Well, the car’s due for a transmission flush –

            Friend 1: Pshaw, “due.”  It’s due when I’m good and ready.

          Service Rep: – and the fuel injection and throttle have never been cleaned, so they really should be now.

            Friend 1: Are they actually dirty?

            Service Rep: We won’t know until we go in and look.

            Friend 1: Then what we don’t know can’t hurt us – next!

            Service Rep: And the rear brake pads are going to need replacing soon.

          Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink and tosses it into the garbage) Just replaced the brake pads.

            Service Rep: Those were for the front.

            Friend 1: Well, “soon” is not “now,” so, pass!

         Service Rep: I really do recommend you at least have the fuel injection and throttle done, considering the car’s age.

           Friend 1: Fine-fine-fine, you guys always manage to find something extra to tack on the bill, just do it and be gone!  (Hops onto the seat for the racecar game and begins driving)

ONE HOUR LATER

            Service Rep: (Approaches Friend 1 in the hot tub) Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: (Head leaned back and eyes closed) No.

            Service Rep: Oh.

         Friend 1: (Opens eyes and leaps out of the tub, fully clothed; wraps a giant towel around dripping self) All right, what other nonsense do you want to contribute to my growing credit card debt?

            Service Rep: Please follow me – I’ll have the tech show you.

            Friend 1: Oh boy, sounds serious!  (Follows Service Rep to the bay, still wrapped in the towel; the Tech is waiting by the car, whose hood is raised) Ohhh, my baby, what have they done to you?  (To Tech) So what is it now, a broken hose?  A pulverized engine assembly?  No battery?

          Tech: Actually, when I started working on the fuel injection, I found this.  (Points to a giant rat’s nest embedded in the middle of the engine)

            Lead Rat: Yo.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: We can remove it, but they’ve chewed through a bit.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: Honestly, I can’t believe this car could even still be running.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: So, do you want me to go ahead and remove it?

            Friend 1: And add to your Labor charge?  Never!  (Picks up the nest in its entirety and tosses it over the fence to the nearby woods)

            Rats: Whee!

           Friend 1: (Briskly brushes hands against each other) I’m not worried about them – they’re a hardy bunch.  Now, what’s the actual damage?

            Tech: Umm… these wires.  (Holds up a few)

            Friend 1: Not so bad – I’d say less than $100 to replace, wouldn’t you?

            Service Rep: About that.  Plus or minus.

            Friend 1: More like minus.  I’ll be at the massage chair if you need me.

ONE HOUR LATER

            Friend 1: (On the phone, still in the massage chair) They actually gave you roids?

         Friend 2: (Voice) They had to – the hives migrated to my face and meals were becoming extremely difficult.

            Friend 1: All right, well, don’t start raging out on me.

            Friend 2: They’re not those kinds of steroids.  So how’s the car doing?

          Friend 1: Oh you know, they always find something unnecessary to fix to jack up the bill.  Makes me almost wish I didn’t have a car.

        Friend 2: Well, you’re extremely fortunate to have one.  We don’t have public transportation out here and everything is miles away so how would you get anything done?

            Friend 1: I said “almost!”

            Service Rep: (Approaches from behind the chair) Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: What?!  (To Friend 2) Gotta go – the bill’s here.

            Friend 2: I’ll let you know if I still can’t breathe tomorrow.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Pockets phone) Yes, can I help you?

            Service Rep: Well, when they were fixing the wires they found –

           Friend 1: (Leaps out of the vibrating chair) I don’t care what else they found, do you hear me?!  The car was running just fine until you people got your mitts on it!

          Service Rep: But these things have been there this whole time and your car could break down at any moment.

            Friend 1: Don’t care, I say again!  Now take my credit card for whatever’s been done up until now and get out!  (Flings card through the narrow slot at the cashier’s window and settles back onto the massage chair)

       Service Rep: (Leaves the bill at the cashier’s desk and runs past the chair) The-total-is-$1,232.67-thank-you-have-a-nice-daaaaaayyyyy!!!

         Friend 1: (In the vibrating chair, with eyes closed) What travails we owners of horseless carriages must endure.  When are they going to hurry up and invent transporter beams already?