Story 428: Not Quite the Part I Auditioned For

 (In a gym, Actor is running on a treadmill while watching a show on the display)

Actor: (Suddenly stops and almost falls off) Wait, that was a cliffhanger?!  (Checks watch) Yeah, I can run for another hour.  (Taps the controls to start the next episode) This better be worth it.

Neighboring Runner: It rarely is.

Actor: I know, right?  (Looks down as cell phone on an arm band rings; pauses the video and slows the treadmill to a walk while answering) Hey, what’s up?

Agent: (On the phone while leaving a conference room) Hey-hey-hey, I’ve got great news for you!  I heard back from the rom-com director today, and you’re in!

Actor: (Muted excitement) YESSSS!!!!!  (Clears throat) That’s, that’s really great news, thanks!

Agent: It gets better: you’re gonna be playing opposite the female lead, you know, the one you’ve been crushing on forever, what’s-her-name.

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh) Well, not really “opposite”; I mean, Best Friend to the male lead would get some screen time with her, I guess; no big deal.

Agent: That’s the best part: you didn’t get the Best Friend role, they decided to go with that stand-up comic everyone wants in all their movies now, you know, what’s-his-name.

Actor: Oh.  Yeah, he’d actually be much better for the part than me, so I can’t be upset.  So, what, I’m Second Best Friend now?

Agent: Even better!

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh again) Don’t tell me the male lead dropped out and I’m now it?

Agent: You’re right, you’re not: you’re playing the Plucky Heroine’s Douchey Boyfriend, yay!

Actor: (Nearly falls off the treadmill again) Whaaaaaat????

Neighboring Runner: You mind relocating your drama somewhere else, please?  I’m trying to hate-watch the series finale of Sword Slash.

Actor: Sorry.  (Shuts off the treadmill, wipes it down, and moves to an unoccupied section of the gym while continuing the conversation in a loud whisper) I don’t understand – why would they cast me as that?!

Agent: I dunno, maybe you gave off a douchey vibe during your audition.

Actor: That wasn’t what I was going for!

Agent: Who cares?  Bottom line is, you now get to be all lovey-dovey with someone you have a thing for, and get paid for it the entire time!

Actor: No I don’t!  I get to be the one who makes her miserable and the audience boos every time I’m on screen!

Agent: Come on, no one actually does that.

Actor: I’ve seen it happen!

Agent: I’m sure it’s all in good fun.

Actor: Whatever – this is a nightmare!

Agent: Don’t exaggerate: it’s just a job, you’ll thank me eventually, now go out there and do your douchiest.

Actor: Argh!

Agent: Oh, one more thing –

Actor: What else could there possibly be?!

Agent: When you start rehearsals, could you get her autograph for me?... Hello?

(At the beginning of filming, the actors and crew are gathered in a coffee house set)

Director: All right everyone, remember the blocking; lighting’s all set up and not moving ever; just do it like you did at the table read and we should get through this with minimal waste and maximum efficiency.  Places!

(Actor and Female Lead go sit on the couch while holding empty coffee cups)

Female Lead: (To Actor) Do you need Makeup again?  You seem a bit sweaty.

Actor: (Briefly touches hairline with a shaking hand) I think it’s the lights – I’ll be fine, thanks.

Director: Action!

(Crew Member holds a clapperboard in front of the camera and shouts out the scene and take number)

Plucky Heroine: You called me a bajillion times last night.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Sips coffee) Well, maybe I wouldn’t’ve had to if you’d answered just once.

Plucky Heroine: I was busy.

Douchey Boyfriend: I bet.  (Slurps coffee a bit too loudly and clears throat)

Plucky Heroine: What is that supposed to mean?

Douchey Boyfriend: It means, I think you were getting busy with that guy you’ve been spending all your spare time with lately, you know, Clive?  Clark?  Clifford?

Plucky Heroine: Brendan?

Douchey Boyfriend: Yeah, that loser.  (Shakily sets the cup down on a nearby table) Guess he’s got something I don’t, huh.

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Stares with wide eyes at Plucky Heroine, speaking with a small voice) I’m sorry.

Director: Cut!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What was that?!

Actor: (Still staring) …Improv?

Director: (To Actor) You: stick to the script!  (To everyone else) Everyone else: pick it up from the next-to-last line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Glares back) You bi – (Twitches jaw) You – mmmmmm – (Closes eyes briefly, runs hand through hair, then points at Plucky Heroine) You b-eautiful human being –

Director: CUT!  (Female Lead throws her hands up in the air)

Actor: (To Director) I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this guy would be calling her a nasty name if he truly wants her to stay his girlfriend!  (Looks intensely at Female Lead) I never would.

Female Lead: Dude – the character’s a douche, he doesn’t care about her, he just wants to win!

Actor: Well that’s just mean.

Director: Take it up with the screenwriter – now pick it up from your line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Douchey Boyfriend: You b-----.  (Cringes)

Plucky Heroine: No, you’re the b-----.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Gasps) You take that back!

Plucky Heroine: (Stands and flings the coffee cup away; it lands perfectly in a nearby trash can) Never!  I see now what true love really is, and you’re not it!  (Starts to leave)

Douchey Boyfriend: (Follows her on his knees) No, wait, please come back, I love you!

Female Lead: (Spins around) WHAT?!

Director: WHAT?!  I mean, CUT!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What are you doing?!

Actor: (Looks around the entire room staring back) I might have gotten a little carried away; this scene is so emotional….

Female Actor: Get a grip!

Actor: (To Director) Can we take a break?

Director: Please.  Take five everyone, and somebody get me a massage chair for my pounding headache.

Female Lead: (Helps Actor up from the floor) You need some water or a towel there, buddy?

Actor: (Melting) You’re so kind to me.

Female Lead: Uh-huh.  (Sits them both back on the couch) Look, I know you have a thing for me and I make you nervous –

Actor: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-nooooo....

Female Lead: You nailed this scene in the table read, so just do whatever you did there, here!

Actor: (Staring at the floor) I wasn’t looking at you during the table read.

Female Lead: Aw, that’s so sweet.  (Lowers voice) Look at the wall, look at the boom mic, look at anything that’ll get you through this before next century, got it?!

(Actor nods quickly, still staring at the floor)

Director: (Pushed onto the set while sitting in the massage chair) All right everyone, places!  Action!

(After the movie premiere in a major theater)

Agent: (To Actor) You did great!  If I didn’t know you for reals, I’d’ve thought you were the biggest jerk alive!

Actor: The ultimate compliment in this business.  (They leisurely stroll out of the theater while the main leads answer questions from reporters) Do you think anyone watching tonight noticed my character never once made eye contact with his own girlfriend?

Agent: With the wonders of editing, you can fake anything.

Story 427: Overheard in the Patient Exam Room

 (In a doctor’s office, a medical assistant leads a patient to an exam room)

Medical Assistant: (Remains at the door and nods at the exam table) You can have a seat – the doctor’ll be in as soon as possible.

Patient: (Hops backward onto the table) Yeah, I saw that waiting room – so you think an hour and a half; two, tops?  (Laughs)

Medical Assistant: Ahahahahaha – !  (Starts weeping while closing the door)

(Patient stares at the door for a few moments, then shakes head and glances around the room for a distraction)

Patient: (Spots a magazine rack) Sweet.  (Grabs a few issues and skims the cover headlines, stopping at one that reads: “Manly Men Mess: Boy Band Breakup??!!!!”)  Ooh, scandal.  (Tosses the other magazines back into the rack and begins reading the article greedily)

 TEN MINUTES LATER

Patient: (Squinting at the tiny print, muttering) Wait a sec, I thought he already went to college?... Oh, he’s going for his master’s now; good for him.  (Hears footsteps heading toward the door; throws the magazine into the rack and reclines casually back on the table) And just when it was gettin’ good.

(Voices are heard outside the door)

Doctor: Where’d you say it was?

Medical Assistant: The office next to Exam 2.

Doctor: Show me.

Patient: (Looks around the room again) Is this Exam 2?

(Voices now are heard from the next room)

Doctor: So where is it?

Medical Assistant: Here.

(Sounds of furniture being roughly moved around)

Doctor: Ah shoot, again?!  I thought we had this fixed last time!

Medical Assistant: It was fixed, but now it’s back.

(More sounds of furniture moving)

Doctor: I can’t deal with this right now, we’ve got a full schedule today and 50 walk-ins!

Medical Assistant: I know, but we can’t just leave this either, it’s gonna –

Doctor: I know what it’s gonna do, just let me think for a minute!  How soon can the… you know… fixer-person come in and fix this?

Medical Assistant: I haven’t called yet, but last time we had to wait almost a week.

Doctor: A week?!  This needs to be fixed yesterday!

(Sounds of a cell phone being dialed)

Medical Assistant: I’ll call now and say it’s an emergency –

Doctor: Darn tootin’ it is!  Sorry, I’m a little more stressed than usual.

Medical Assistant: I hadn’t noticed a difference…. Yes, it’s us again…. Yes, it happened again.

(Sounds of floorboards being ripped up)

Doctor: Tell them it’s so much bigger this time!

Medical Assistant: It’s gotten bigger…. Doctor, they say they can be here 2:00 tomorrow.

(A large RIP! and CRASH! as a floorboard is tossed across the room)

Doctor: Nope!  We need a stat consult NOW!

Medical Assistant: Don’t suppose you could come over now?

(Rhythmic banging noises echo on what sound like metal pipes and wooden floors)

Doctor: C’mon!  (BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!) I’ll get you, you little –

Medical Assistant: Hold on a moment, please – Doctor, there’s a patient in Exam 2 who can probably hear this.

Doctor: Huh?  Oh, just tell `em everything’s fine.  (BANG!  BANG!  BANG!)

Medical Assistant: It may sound better coming from you.

Doctor: No, it won’t, they’ll just think I’m coming in for the exam and get angry that I’m not!

Medical Assistant: All right.

(Footsteps approach the door; Patient hurries away from having an ear against the wall to hop back onto the table)

Medical Assistant: (Opens the door with the hand not holding the cell phone, enters quickly, and closes it again) Hi – have you heard anything… unusual from the other room?

Patient: A little bit, yeah.

Medical Assistant: Well, don’t be alarmed: it’s just a minor repair in one of the offices –

(BANG!)         

Medical Assistant: (Winces) Nothing to worry about.

(SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!!!)

Doctor: AHA!  I have you now!

Medical Assistant: Everything’s under control.

Voice From Cell Phone: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

Medical Assistant: (Into the phone) I’ll call you back in a few minutes.  (Disconnects the call)

Patient: Should I reschedule?

Medical Assistant: I wouldn’t – we’re booked solid for the next two years.

(A large SLAM! rattles the room)

Medical Assistant: Sit tight!  (Rushes out of the room and gently closes the door)

Doctor: All good?  (BANG-BANG-BANG-)

Medical Assistant: Not really: the patient wants to reschedule and I hate to think what the ones in the waiting room are doing right now.

Doctor: Whatever; they can always come back if this scares them off for some reason – we have appointments six days a week and I haven’t taken a vacation in SEVEN YEARS!  (SCREEEEECH – POP)  Oops.

Medical Assistant: Quick, get it before it’s too late!

Doctor: Take that!  (CRASH!)  And that!  (CRASH!)  And that!  That!  That!  (CRASH-CRASH-CRASH!)  I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

(The crashing and banging and screeching and ripping continue unabated; Patient picks up the thrown magazine, lies down on the table, and resumes reading the interrupted article)

Patient: (Starts nodding in time with the sounds of destruction) It’s almost soothing….

Story 426: Never Happy With the Weather

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Bundled up in a snowsuit, several wool hats, and mittens over gloves, and shivering while sipping a coffee; to Friend 2) Sorry, but this was a mistake: we should’ve just had coffee at our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: (Has coat, hat, and gloves draped over a chair and sips a hot cocoa relaxedly) You’re the one who wanted to “break hibernation” for something that wasn’t work.

Friend 1: (Ironically burns tongue) I know, and I thought I could handle the short bursts outdoors from apartment to car to here like usual, but outdoors decided to turn the air conditioning up to the max and not break single-digit Fahrenheit.  I look up at the distant sun in the crystal clear sky, and it laughs at me.

Friend 2: Heard we’re supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow.

Friend 1: I heard that as well, and chose to ignore that abomination.

Friend 2: Snow, ice, and high winds – might get two feet accumulation.

Friend 1: You sound suspiciously schadenfreudedly about that.

Friend 2: You make that up just now?

Friend 1: I took the German word for getting enjoyment out of other people’s misery, and English adverbed it.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not thrilled about the storm, I’m just finding the situation amusing because you were recently complaining that last month was too warm and the Earth needed winter.

Friend 1: The Earth does need it, but I don’t!  And I’ll be happy when we hit 90° again.  (Spills some of the coffee while shiveringly sipping it some more)

Friend 2: Uh-huh: give you six months.

 SUMMER

(At a public pool, swimmers are frolicking while Friend 1 and Friend 2 relax on nearby deck chairs)

Friend 1: (Wearing a cropped tank top and short shorts) This was a mistake –

Friend 2: (Wearing a loose cotton T-shirt, baggy shorts, and a wide-brimmed hat) Here we go.

Friend 1: We should’ve just stayed in our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: You said being by the water should cool us off; I thought you were going to suggest the beach with the off-shore breeze, but this is fine, too.

Friend 1: I thought having all this water around would cool us off by osmosis – clearly, I was mistaken!

Friend 2: (Gestures to the pool) Why don’t you just jump in, then?

Friend 1: What, you mean with all the people in there?

Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.

Friend 1: It doesn’t help that outdoors decided to turn the furnace up to the max and break triple-digits Fahrenheit.  I look up at the nearby sun in the hazy sky, and it melts my face off.

Friend 2: Just think, six months ago you would’ve wanted to be as overheated as you are now.

Friend 1: (Blinks at Friend 2) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 2: I’m sure you don’t.  Going in for a swim now.  (Removes layers for swimsuit underneath and jackknifes off the diving board into the pool)

Friend 1: (Drenched by the outer edges of the resulting splash) Oh, sweet tidal wave – how I’ve longed for ye.

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Wearing two snowsuits, barely able to move; voice is muffled by multiple hats and scarves) This was a mis-

Friend 2: Don’t even start.

 SPRING

(In a public park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are lounging in beach chairs under a shady tree)

Friend 1: (Breathes in contentedly as a warm breeze wafts through the air) Ahhhh….

Friend 2: Is this all right now, Goldilocks?

Friend 1: Hm?

Friend 2: Temp’s in the high 60s; mild to no wind; we don’t have to wear quilts or ice packs…?

Friend 1: Oh.  Yeah, you’re right: this is perfect.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They sit in silence for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Starts shifting around in the chair) Too perfect.

Friend 2: Theeeeere it is.

Story 425: If You Feel As If You’ve Won, Then You’re a Winner

 (At an unspecific play-off golf match, the last putt of the game is sunk)

Announcer: And there you have it, folks: our two contestants who will go on to the World Finals Match, scheduled for this Saturday – now to a local correspondent on the scene.

Correspondent: (To Golfer 1) You’ve just finished play-offs with record-breaking scores, how do you feel about –

Golfer 1: (Grabs the microphone) AMAZING!  All my family and friends are here – hiiiiiiii!!!!! (Waves to a group of spectators on the sidelines who are holding supportive signs and cheering) I never thought I’d make it here, with these great players – (Gestures to the other contestants in the match standing nearby) I’m in awe of their talent, and I still can’t believe I got the chance to play golf on the same courses as them, this whole experience has been incredible, nothing can top it, and this has been the best day of my life!!!!!! (Runs to the spectators holding the signs and dives into the group; they all hug, laugh, and cry)

Golfer 2: (To a Caddy) We still have another match to play, right?

Caddy: As far as I know.

(At the World Finals Match)

Announcer: A hush falls over the crowd as our contestants prepare for this, their first shot of the finals.

Golfer 1: (Barely containing excitement, tees off with a full-body spin on the follow-through – the ball lands in the general vicinity of Hole 1, and Golfer 1 loudly whispers) YESSSSS!!!!

Golfer 2: (Tees off – the ball lands farther away from the hole than Golfer 1’s ball) Drat.  (Turns to Golfer 1, who gives an enthusiastic thumbs-up)

(At Hole 6, there is a water obstacle they need to drive the ball over; Golfer 1’s shot lands closer to the hole, but Golfer 2’s ball lands very close to the edge of the water, on the far side)

Golfer 1: Great job!

Golfer 2: Are you having a laugh?  It’s about ready to take a backwards swan dive into the drink!

Golfer 1: No, you still made it!  That’s the tricky part, getting it over the water – imagine if it’d landed right in the water?  An extra stroke, plus you’d still have to drive it over the green.

Golfer 2: I guess….

Golfer 1: (Slaps Golfer 2 on the back) That’s the spirit!  (Joins the group walking to the next part of the hole, twirling the golf club while chatting with family and friends on the sidelines)

Golfer 2: Unbelievable.

Caddy: (Also slaps Golfer 2 on the back while passing) Yeah, good job – that’s a hard shot to make, no mistake.

Golfer 2: (Eventually follows the rest of the group; to self) Is this a match or a gym class?

(At Hole 13, Golfer 1 putts but misses the hole)

Golfer 1: Oopsie.  (Sinks the next putt; the audience erupts in cheers as Golfer 1 raises arms in victory) Got a bogey, woo-hoo!

Golfer 2: (To Caddy) Are we back to being tied?

Caddy: Yep – I’m getting whiplash on you two’s scores.

(Golfer 2 shakes head, walks to the ball, and putts; the ball hovers on the edge of the hole and stops; Golfer 2 gasps in horror)

Golfer 1: Here, let me help!  (Trots over and reaches out a foot to tap the ball into the hole)

Golfer 2: (Waves frantically at Golfer 1 as the referee moves to intervene) NOOOO!!! Thank you, but NOOOO!!!

Referee: (To Golfer 1) You know you can’t interfere with the ball.

Golfer 1: Oh, I thought that was only if I was going to kick it away from the hole or something awful like that.  Carry on.  (Skips back to the spectators and snacks on an ice cream cone with them as Golfer 2 shakily sinks the putt)

Caddy: Another bogey!  And you’re just one behind the lead!

Golfer 2: …Yaaay?

(At Hole 18, the two golfers are tied again: their final drives land close to the hole)

Announcer: (In a hushed voice) This is it, folks: the tension in the air could be cut with a knife – you know how serious it is by how low I’m speaking even though I’m nowhere near the action – our contestants make their way to the hole to prepare for their final shots of the match.

Golfer 1: (Taking pictures with family and friends en route) I can’t wait till we get to the restaurant later, I heard the food’s outta this world!  Hopefully we’ll be done soon so we can get a good parking spot.

Golfer 2: (To Golfer 1) Can I talk to you for a second?

Golfer 1: Sure!  (Blows quick kisses to the spectators and steps off to the side with Golfer 2) `Sup?

Golfer 2: Sorry to pry, but I have to know: what’s your deal?

Golfer 1: Eh?

Golfer 2: I mean, every match in this tournament you’ve acted like you’ve already won, even on shots you’ve gone over par.  This has been the most intense match of my life, and you look like you’re at the press junket after you’ve won all the awards!  Aren’t you worried even a little bit that you might lose?!

Golfer 1: Nope!  But not in the way you think.

Golfer 2: How so?

Golfer 1: Not sure if you heard them mention this in the earlier matches, but I’m actually the first person in my country to qualify for this tournament.  As in, ever.

Golfer 2: Oh.  I did hear that at some point, yeah.

Golfer 1: So, you can imagine how exciting this is for all of us – (Waves and smiles to family and friends) for me to have gotten this far.

Golfer 2: (Nods) Yes, I think I can.

Golfer 1: So, while winning the championship would be lovely and all, having gotten to this point really is enough.  I’ve already won, in that sense, do you see?

Golfer 2: …Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  (Referee signals to them that the break is over)  Let’s play some golf!

Golfer 1: Oh yeah!

(Golfers 1 and 2 sink their putts and the match ends in a tie)

Golfer 1: (Dives into the group of family and friends) YIPEEEEE!!!  Beyond our wildest dreams!

Caddy: (To Golfer 2) You know, your sponsors aren’t going to too happy you’re not the sole victor, and you’re going to have to split the winnings –

Golfer 2: (Grabs Caddy in a hug) YES!!!!  We won, we won, we won!

Caddy: (Crushed) Well, when you put it that way….

(Golfer 1 runs over to Golfer 2 and they hug while jumping up and down)

Golfers 1 and 2: We-won-we-won-we-won!!!!!  BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!

Announcer: There you have it, folks: the literal definition of being a good sport.  This is going to make covering the upcoming rugby finals all the more heart-breaking.

Story 424: Harry Potter and the Ordinary School Year: A Parody

 [Inspired by the 20^th anniversary of the first movie]

 (After the massive metaphorical and literal clean-up necessitated by the Battle of Hogwarts, it is realized that Harry, Ron, and Hermione never actually attended school in the past nine months and still need to complete their seventh year)

 SEPTEMBER 1998

 (In a reserved carriage on the Hogwarts Express)

Hermione: (Already halfway through one of her class’s textbooks) You know, after all we’ve been through, I’m actually quite looking forward to returning to school.

Ron: You would.  Thought I’d catch a break and be showered with all the awards this school could muster for helping save the world, but nope!  Back to mind-numbing classes and ulcer-inducing exams.  (Scarfs down an enchanted piece of pie)

Hermione: I know, isn’t it exciting?!  I’m especially looking forward to taking the N.E.W.T.s, the capstone exam to my academic career!

Ron: And then what?  There’s no more school after that so you’ll have get yourself a job, my lass.

Hermione: (Stares into the middle distance in existential horror) No more school…?

Ron: Oi, Harry, how do you feel about all this?

Harry: (Gazing dreamily out the train window) Do you ever stop and appreciate how not having the fate of world resting on your shoulders or murderous psychopaths constantly after you is such a freeing state of experience to be in?

Ron: …I think that one’s unique to you, mate.

(In the Great Hall at Hogwarts, refurbished to include buffet tables, the Sorting Ceremony has just completed)

Headmistress McGonagall: My first official announcement this year is that this is the last year we will be sorting students into four houses – it is an antiquated tradition that causes division and unnecessary, damaging competition, and in light of recent events we all need to stand together as one school, not arbitrarily separated by who is supposedly brave, smart, evil, and whatever.

Harry: (Mutters to Hermione and Ron in their VIP section of the Gryffindor table) Here we go, folks: I’m already longing for 'The Good Old Days,' and we’re technically still in them.

Hermione: I think it’s a brilliant decision, long overdue.

Harry: But then who’s going to win the House Cup at the end of the year?

Hermione: Who cares?

Harry: (Gasps) You shut your school spirit-less mouth!

Ron: Steady on, Harry – keep going like that and I’ll have to defend my lady’s honor.  With my fists, just so we’re clear.

Harry: Sorry, Hermione.  And I blessedly forgot for a moment you and Ron are a 'thing' now.

Hermione: (Besottedly smiles at Ron and holds his hand, who besottedly smiles and holds her hand back) Only took us until the last year we’d’ve been here to realize it fully.

Ron: Yeah.  And who knows, maybe in another seven years, we’ll make it official!

Hermione: Oh Ronald, I never knew you could be so romantic!

Harry: I will throw up right here if you both don’t quit it in five seconds.

Ron: (Lets go of Hermione’s hand and resumes his attack on the main course) Look who’s Mr. Grumpy – not my fault your girlfriend chose to spend her seventh year as an exchange student at Beauxbatons.

Harry: (Through gritted teeth) Oh don’t you worry about me, Ron.  I’ll be seeing your sister at Hogsmeade and/or Paris every weekend, plus holidays!  (Winks exaggeratedly)

Ron: EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Headmistress McGonagall: If that’s all from our extremely senior students, off to bed with the lot of you.  (A chorus of moans is her reply)

Harry: (Raises hand) Excuse me, Professor –

Headmistress McGonagall: It’s Headmistress now, but your error is understandable: proceed.

Harry: Sorry if I missed this earlier, but who is teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year?

Headmistress McGonagall: Didn’t you get my owl?

Harry: No…?  Maybe – I got all the owls this summer, it seemed.

Headmistress McGonagall: You were offered a stipend if you wanted to teach that class.

(The entire school stares at Harry in anticipation)

Harry: Thanks, but I think I’ve had enough of that subject to last me a lifetime.

Headmistress McGonagall: Well then, since no one else wants to touch that subject here with a 10-meter pole, it’s off the roster until the next evil wizard or witch shows up to cause a fuss – good luck to the rest of you.

(The students file out of the Great Hall and head to their respective dormitories; the Gryffindor students are dumped into the Formerly Forbidden Corridor after a moving staircase swings them away in the opposite direction of where they need to go, and they slowly navigate their way back)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Approaches from behind Harry) Excuse me – (Harry turns around and stops; Ron and Hermione also stop to listen) I used to be a year behind you so we never formally met, and I don’t want to assume incorrectly –

Harry: Of course; very wise of you.

Gryffindor Seventh Year: Just to be sure, are you really the Harry Potter, the one who defeated Fake-Lord Voldemort?

Harry: (Sighs in only half-irritation) Yes, I am he, formerly The Chosen One, lately The Saviour of the World, or what you will.  (Spreads arms out in resignation)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Straight-arm punches Harry in the face; the latter falls back into Ron’s and Hermione’s arms) That’s for ruining school for me EVERY SINGLE YEAR, ya git!  (Storms off to join the rest of the group that is now far ahead of them)

Harry: (Rubs jaw as Ron and Hermione help him stand up straight and they all continue on their way; shouts after the student) It wasn’t all my fault you know!

Ron: It never was.

Harry: Don’t you start up with that again, pal, I am on my last nerve!

(In Charms class the following day)

Professor Flitwick: Today, I’m going to show you all how to cast a spell where your wand’s core will interact with another wand’s core of the same material.  (Harry starts twitching in his seat) Those of you who have already done that may sit out this session.

Harry: (Grabs his satchel of books and runs out the door) Thank youuuuuuu!!!!

Hermione: (Whispers to Ron) I will never understand why anyone would want to be excused from a class.

Ron: (Smiles and whispers back, rubbing her hand) You’re so cute.

(In a corridor, Harry nearly crashes into Draco Malfoy; they both stop short)

Harry: Oh… I… didn’t know you’d be here this year.

Draco: I was on the train and sat the next table over from you at the Welcoming Feast.

Harry: Right.  Soooooooo, what’s new?  (Winces)

Draco: Taking my seventh year, same as you three.  Mother and, surprisingly, Father thought it would be best, and I agreed.

Harry: How… nice.

Draco: Yeah.  (They stare at the floor) A bit awkward with none of our other classmates around from all those years here, though.

Harry: I know, right?  This place now feels like it’s filled with babies!

Draco: (Laughs; Harry recoils in shock) It’s even worse with the redecorating after all the – (Clears throat) unpleasantness this past spring.

Harry: Tell me about it: they finally demolished the unused bathroom that was only good for hiding a monster cave entrance, but that only left poor Moaning Myrtle wandering around everywhere like a – like a ghost, really.

Draco: Right, and did you see that the Room of Requirement now is visible at all times, for everyone?  What’s the point of having a secret stash room if just anyone can walk in and dump their rubbish there?

Harry: (Shakes his head sadly) Disgusting.  Whelp, Malfoy, I think this has been the first pleasant interaction we’ve had in our entire lives – I’m going outside to thrash some first years in Quidditch now. 

Draco: Go at it.  I’m off to Advanced Potions myself – Professor Slughorn’s all right, but he’s no… well, you know.

Harry: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Merlin’s beard, I never thought there’d be a day where I’d actually miss Professor Snape. 

Draco: We live in strange times, my friend.  (Pats Harry on the shoulder and leaves)

Harry: (Staring after Draco) Is this a fever dream, or have I actually reached a point in my life where I have zero enemies?!

 DECEMBER 1998

(In the Great Hall, Hermione and Ron are all packed to leave for break and approach Harry at a random table, having breakfast in his pajamas and reading the inaugural school newspaper)

Ron: I still don’t get why you’re staying here: you always come over to my family’s house for the holidays, and I can’t believe I’m saying this but Ginny’ll be there the whole time if you need additional incentive!

Harry: Call me sentimental, but I’m trying to relive the wonderful days when I was an unwanted orphan and had to stay at this enchanting place during our first winter break, stumbling upon the mystery of the Philosopher’s Stone and Voldemort’s detached face stuck to the back of Professor Quirrell’s head – it was a simpler time.

Hermione: Harry, don’t take this the wrong way but I think coming back here for one last school year may be driving you a bit mad.

Harry: Rubbish.  I’ve never been so relaxed in my entire life!  Now shove off.  (The others shrug at each other and start to leave; Harry resumes reading the newspaper) And don’t you two come back pregnant now, you hear?!  Plenty of time for that later.

Ron: Nutter.  Almost makes me wish Voldemort were here to give him something to focus on.

                                                                JUNE 1999           

 (In the Gryffindor Common Room, Draco is playing Wizard’s Chess with Ron as Hermione is writing her monograph titled Hogwarts: An Updated History)

Harry: (Bursts in, beaming) Well kids, just got the word: I failed all my N.E.W.T.s.

Ron: What?!

Hermione: (Stands abruptly) Harry!  I’ve never heard such a disappointing thing in my life!  Say it isn’t so!

Harry: Nope!

Hermione: Oh thank goodness.

Harry: No, I mean I won’t say it isn’t so, because it is and I have to take this year over again.

Draco: But Harry, if you want to be an auror you have to pass all your N.E.W.T.s the first time.  Would you like me to have my Fath– (Shakes his head) an untainted relative speak to someone about this?

Harry: I appreciate it, Draco, but it’s all part of the plan.  (Stretches out on the couch and dozes off)

Ron: Plan to stay here forever, I think.

Harry: (Sleepily) If you insist.

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

 (After graduation, Ron and Hermione find Harry sitting in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, meditating)

Ron: Hiya, Harry.  Figured we’d find you here.

Harry: You figured correctly.  (He slowly opens his eyes and stands) Let me guess: Hermione was named first in the class, and Ron finally popped the question.

(Ron’s jaw hangs open in shock as Hermione runs to Harry and hugs him)

Hermione: We wanted you to be the first to know!  After our families, that is.  (She holds out her left hand to show him the heirloom ring) Ron said his mother wanted me to have it.

Harry: Nice.  All I got Ginny was a piece of tinfoil.

Ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Kidding – I conjured the Hope Diamond and had it set in my mother’s ring.  Nothing’s too special for my woman.

Ron: This is the first I’m hearing of this!

Harry: That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, psych!  (Ron looks murderously at him) But it will!  At some point.  So, congratulations you two, on this and finishing school – top marks to Hermione, naturally – and the jobs I heard you have lined up; you seem to have great lives ahead of you.

Hermione: What about you, Harry?  After you finish here next year.

Ron: Yeah Harry, won’t you have a wedding to plan?!

Harry: Who knows, I may not finish here next year; there’s no telling what the future may bring.

Ron: Harry!  Out of the three of us, I was the one who should’ve wound up the aimless failure, not you!

Harry: Don’t worry your sweet head about me, Ronald – I’ll get my act together next year, I promise.  It’s just, this year I really wanted to enjoy my time at school, you know?  So I gave myself a break from both the struggle to survive and the struggle to complete never-ending reams of handwritten parchment and repetitive exercises, and instead spent time with my friends, and going places and doing things I never got a chance to do while I was here before.

Hermione: Is that why you joined the Poetry Club?

Harry: That, and it really gave me a chance to express myself.  So – (Slaps Ron and Hermione on their shoulders) off you go, you two!  I’ll see you at the party later at the Weasleys’.

Hermione: All right Harry, we’ll look for you then.

Harry: That’s another thing: this is the end of the school year, and people have only said my first and last names together a grand total of four times.  I’m never gonna reach my quota at this rate!

Ron: Seriously, mate, what you probably need is an actual holiday to the beach or the mountains or anywhere that’s far, far away from here.  (He and Hermione hold hands and disapparate)

Harry: Cheers.  Right after I do this one last thing….

(In the public-access Room of Requirement, Harry sits on the floor in front of the Mirror of Erised – his 11-year-old reflection is seated across from him, listening intently)

Harry: …and if someone had told me/you that mean old Snape actually was watching over us this whole time and could’ve been another father figure in our lives if he’d just gotten over his angst, I’d have said they were a filthy liar.

Reflection Harry: Wow.

Harry: Oh, and Ron’s little sister grows up to be HOT.

Reflection Harry: Ugh, gross!

Harry: (Chuckles into a butterbeer) Oh, child.

Reflection Harry: Will I get to be Head Boy in my seventh year?

Harry: (Almost chokes) Uh, no, that’s not much of a priority as time goes on.

Reflection Harry: Will I finally get to beat up Dudley?

Harry: (Tilts his head in thought) Eh, the Dudley issue… takes care of itself, in a sense.

Reflection Harry: What about putrid Aunt Petunia and vile Uncle Vernon?

Harry: No longer relevant.

Reflection Harry: Will I gain top marks in all my classes and be beloved by all?

Harry: Uhhhh….

Reflection Harry: Will I win every Quidditch match here and then the World Cup when I’m 18?

Harry: Quidditch is not a viable career option for us.

Reflection Harry: Will I vanquish all my enemies and seize power in the top echelons of the world’s ministries, both Magic and Muggle?!

Harry: Kid, hold up for a second!

Reflection Harry: Yes?

Harry: I’m going to give you the most important life lesson anyone can ever receive, even though you’re just a projection of my desire to return to an age when awesome adventures awaited me and hadn’t turned out horribly yet.

Reflection Harry: Yes?  What is this important life lesson, then?

Harry: (Takes another slug of the butterbeer) As you get older, life gets a whole lot weirder.

Story 423: Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is on the desk phone while clicking the computer’s mouse frantically and tapping the computer’s keys harshly)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. (Click-click-click-CLICK, tap-tap-TAP-TAP-TAP) But I – no, go ahead…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP) Yeah, but…. I’m trying, but…. Uhhh-huhhh…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP-TAP.  CLICK-CLICK-CLIIIIIICK – ) Oops….  What?  No, sorry, my computer’s acting up, I have to call I.T., you mind if we talk about this later?... Yeah-thanks-bye.  (Disconnects the call, slams the receiver onto the cradle, grabs either side of the computer’s monitor, and slowly leans forward to gently crash into the screen)

Coworker 2: (Peers over the top of the neighboring cubicle wall) Bad day?

Coworker 1: Always.  I think that means the problem is me: it can’t be that everyone in the world has lost their minds, so it must be me, right?

Coworker 2: Probably.  Still, sometimes it helps to just walk away from it all for a little bit.

Coworker 1: (Picks up the phone again) Shyeah, right; first I have to call I.T. to fix the computer I just crashed, and then I have to figure out a way to keep working on the 50 billion simultaneous projects going on here, without a computer, while more “emergency” projects are lining up in the wings waiting to make their entrance stage left, so, no break for me, or anybody, ever.

Coworker 2: (Now leaning on the top of the cubicle wall) Well, the work’ll still be here when you get back, plus there’ll always be more no matter what you do, and it really isn’t that bad if the majority of them are finished late, so you might as well step away from all of it even for a few minutes.  I find it usually clears my head and helps me figure out stuff I thought was unsolvable – changed my life.

Coworker 1: (While on hold) Hmmmmm….

I.T. Automated Attendant: Please continue to hold.  Your call is very – ah, forget it, we’ll get to you when we can get to you, all right?!  (Heavy metal starts playing as the hold music)

Coworker 1: (Raises an eyebrow at the receiver, then hangs up; looks up at Coworker 2) You know what?  I’m going to take your advice and go walk around here for five-ish minutes, right now.  (Stands and walks out of the cubicle) Thanks!

Coworker 2: No problem.  (Lowers back to the desk and resumes writing programs to embezzle company funds)

(Coworker 1 navigates the cubicle maze, a spring in the step emerging as the minutes tick on.  After passing by a certain one, Coworker 3 leans out of the cubicle without getting up from the chair)

Coworker 3: Hey!

Coworker 1: (Hesitates, then turns around) Hm?

Coworker 3: How’s the computer?

Coworker 1: Oh, still waiting for I.T. to fix it.

Coworker 3: (Laughs in disgust) They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Coworker 1: (In a small voice) Not really.

Coworker 3: (Finally stands and walks over to Coworker 1) Listen, continuing our conversation from earlier, you really need to start –

Coworker 1: (Grabs cell phone out of pants pocket and looks at the blank screen) Ah jeez, debt collector’s calling me again – (Holds phone up to ear, one finger out to Coworker 3, and starts walking away) Sorry, gotta take this – (To the phone) Yeah, whaddya want now?... Well, the money’s not gonna magically appear whenever you decide to call me, now is it?

Coworker 3: (Returns to desk, muttering) Weirdo.

(Coworker 1 returns to desk, sighs, and signs back into the computer)

Coworker 1: (After resuming work in a few applications) Wait a minute, this is working just fine now, how’d that even happen?

Coworker 2: (Voice through the wall) It probably needed a break, too.

Coworker 1: Well, your advice worked – I feel much better now and ready to tackle the rest of the day, so thanks again!

Coworker 2: Sure thing.  Least I could do before all is revealed.

Coworker 1: What?

Coworker 2: What?

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is attending a video conference while in the cubicle)

Speaker: (On the computer screen) – and according to our projections, if we continue to somehow keep losing money even while operating at a profit –

Coworker 1: (Picks up the non-ringing desk phone) Hello?  (Mouths to the camera “Gotta take this,” turns the camera off, hangs up the phone, and strolls out of the cubicle, whistling) I could get used to this.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In a conference room)

Manager: Now I’m going to put on the 45-minute video that’ll cover what we’ve been discussing for the last 45 minutes.  (Coworker 4 raises hand) Yes?

Coworker 4: Is it animated?

Manager: No.

Coworker 4: Shucks.

(Manager dims the lights and brings up the video to display on a large screen)

Coworker 1: Ooh, you know what, I forgot my pen and notepad at my desk – buried there somewhere – start without me!  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: (Icy whisper) Find your pen?

Coworker 1: No, so I had to settle for a pencil.

Manager: (Looks down at Coworker 1’s hands) So where is it?  And the pad?!

Coworker 1: (Also looks down at hands) Huh.  Knew I was forgetting something.  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: [Grinds teeth at Coworker 1]

Coworker 1: (Relaxedly settles back in a chair, tossing the notepad and pencil on the table) Aaaah, so, where are we?

Coworker 4: (Leaning on hand) Pretty much the end.

Coworker 1: Yay – I mean, too bad.  Can anyone fill me in?

Coworker 4: Probably not.  (Gestures at the dozing attendees)

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Coworker 1’s cubicle)

Coworker 3: (Standing over the seated Coworker 1) – and you never listen, you just do whatever you want to do because you know better, everybody else here may like you but I know you’re just the worst, and – (Coworker 1 stands up and walks past Coworker 3) Hey, where’re you going?

Coworker 1: Away.  (Takes the elevator to the ground floor and goes sits in the nearby garden that none of the other employees ever visit)

Coworker 3: (Stands in the hallway staring after Coworker 1 long after the latter has left, then notices that Coworker 2, wearing summer clothes and carrying a suitcase, also is watching from around the cubicle corner) Can you believe that one?

Coworker 2: Yes.

Coworker 3: So rude!  No – so unprofessional! 

Coworker 2: …You project a lot of your insecurities onto other people’s motives, you know that?

Coworker 3: (Shifts away to leave) Maybe.

Coworker 1: (In the garden, leans down to sniff a rose and stops) Ooh, a butterfly!  How serene.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) Sit down, please.  (Coworker 1 does so) First of all, you may have heard by now that your cubicle neighbor managed to embezzle millions of dollars from this company by installing a program that pretended to prevent that exact event from occurring.  The irony is lost on no one.

Coworker 1: (In a reverent whisper) They walked away….

Manager: (Pauses) Yeah, that brings me to my next point: seeing as our insurance covers some of the loss but not all of it, and you’ve been demonstrating a very absentee attitude toward your job lately, we decided to recoup some of this debacle by terminating you – and several dozen of your colleagues.

Coworker 1: (Stands abruptly) But it works!  Walking away has solved everything – I’ve never been more productive!

Manager: Yes you have: your work started getting better for a few days, but the more mini-breaks you take the fewer projects I’ve been seeing actually getting done.  This week alone I think you’ve been in that garden out there for more hours than you were at your desk!

Coworker 1: It’s very calming!

Manager: I’m sure it is – go find another one to help you cope in your battle with Unemployment.  (Dismissively waves away Coworker 1 to be escorted by a Security Officer, and prepares to call in Coworker 3 next)

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to the cubicle and is handed a box by the Security Officer to clean out the desk) Wow, I never realized I’d brought so much junk in here.  (Sets down the box and turns to leave the cubicle) This is all a bit overwhelming right now – maybe if I just walked away from it for a little bit –

Security Officer: (Blocks exit) Nothing doing: I want to keep this job. 

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to piling stuff into the box) You know, I still think it was good advice, but I forgot one thing.

Security Officer: What’s that?

Coworker 1: Everything in moderation.