(In a gym, Actor is running on a treadmill while watching a show on the display)
Actor: (Suddenly stops and almost falls off) Wait, that was a cliffhanger?! (Checks watch) Yeah, I can run for another hour. (Taps the controls to start the next episode) This better be worth it.
Neighboring Runner: It rarely is.
Actor: I know, right? (Looks down as cell phone on an arm band rings; pauses the video and slows the treadmill to a walk while answering) Hey, what’s up?
Agent: (On the phone while leaving a conference room) Hey-hey-hey, I’ve got great news for you! I heard back from the rom-com director today, and you’re in!
Actor: (Muted excitement) YESSSS!!!!! (Clears throat) That’s, that’s really great news, thanks!
Agent: It gets better: you’re gonna be playing opposite the female lead, you know, the one you’ve been crushing on forever, what’s-her-name.
Actor: (Embarrassed laugh) Well, not really “opposite”; I mean, Best Friend to the male lead would get some screen time with her, I guess; no big deal.
Agent: That’s the best part: you didn’t get the Best Friend role, they decided to go with that stand-up comic everyone wants in all their movies now, you know, what’s-his-name.
Actor: Oh. Yeah, he’d actually be much better for the part than me, so I can’t be upset. So, what, I’m Second Best Friend now?
Agent: Even better!
Actor: (Embarrassed laugh again) Don’t tell me the male lead dropped out and I’m now it?
Agent: You’re right, you’re not: you’re playing the Plucky Heroine’s Douchey Boyfriend, yay!
Actor: (Nearly falls off the treadmill again) Whaaaaaat????
Neighboring Runner: You mind relocating your drama somewhere else, please? I’m trying to hate-watch the series finale of Sword Slash.
Actor: Sorry. (Shuts off the treadmill, wipes it down, and moves to an unoccupied section of the gym while continuing the conversation in a loud whisper) I don’t understand – why would they cast me as that?!
Agent: I dunno, maybe you gave off a douchey vibe during your audition.
Actor: That wasn’t what I was going for!
Agent: Who cares? Bottom line is, you now get to be all lovey-dovey with someone you have a thing for, and get paid for it the entire time!
Actor: No I don’t! I get to be the one who makes her miserable and the audience boos every time I’m on screen!
Agent: Come on, no one actually does that.
Actor: I’ve seen it happen!
Agent: I’m sure it’s all in good fun.
Actor: Whatever – this is a nightmare!
Agent: Don’t exaggerate: it’s just a job, you’ll thank me eventually, now go out there and do your douchiest.
Actor: Argh!
Agent: Oh, one more thing –
Actor: What else could there possibly be?!
Agent: When you start rehearsals, could you get her autograph for me?... Hello?
(At the beginning of filming, the actors and crew are gathered in a coffee house set)
Director: All right everyone, remember the blocking; lighting’s all set up and not moving ever; just do it like you did at the table read and we should get through this with minimal waste and maximum efficiency. Places!
(Actor and Female Lead go sit on the couch while holding empty coffee cups)
Female Lead: (To Actor) Do you need Makeup again? You seem a bit sweaty.
Actor: (Briefly touches hairline with a shaking hand) I think it’s the lights – I’ll be fine, thanks.
Director: Action!
(Crew Member holds a clapperboard in front of the camera and shouts out the scene and take number)
Plucky Heroine: You called me a bajillion times last night.
Douchey Boyfriend: (Sips coffee) Well, maybe I wouldn’t’ve had to if you’d answered just once.
Plucky Heroine: I was busy.
Douchey Boyfriend: I bet. (Slurps coffee a bit too loudly and clears throat)
Plucky Heroine: What is that supposed to mean?
Douchey Boyfriend: It means, I think you were getting busy with that guy you’ve been spending all your spare time with lately, you know, Clive? Clark? Clifford?
Plucky Heroine: Brendan?
Douchey Boyfriend: Yeah, that loser. (Shakily sets the cup down on a nearby table) Guess he’s got something I don’t, huh.
Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.
Douchey Boyfriend: (Stares with wide eyes at Plucky Heroine, speaking with a small voice) I’m sorry.
Director: Cut!
Female Lead: (To Actor) What was that?!
Actor: (Still staring) …Improv?
Director: (To Actor) You: stick to the script! (To everyone else) Everyone else: pick it up from the next-to-last line!
(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)
Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.
Douchey Boyfriend: (Glares back) You bi – (Twitches jaw) You – mmmmmm – (Closes eyes briefly, runs hand through hair, then points at Plucky Heroine) You b-eautiful human being –
Director: CUT! (Female Lead throws her hands up in the air)
Actor: (To Director) I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this guy would be calling her a nasty name if he truly wants her to stay his girlfriend! (Looks intensely at Female Lead) I never would.
Female Lead: Dude – the character’s a douche, he doesn’t care about her, he just wants to win!
Actor: Well that’s just mean.
Director: Take it up with the screenwriter – now pick it up from your line!
(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)
Douchey Boyfriend: You b-----. (Cringes)
Plucky Heroine: No, you’re the b-----.
Douchey Boyfriend: (Gasps) You take that back!
Plucky Heroine: (Stands and flings the coffee cup away; it lands perfectly in a nearby trash can) Never! I see now what true love really is, and you’re not it! (Starts to leave)
Douchey Boyfriend: (Follows her on his knees) No, wait, please come back, I love you!
Female Lead: (Spins around) WHAT?!
Director: WHAT?! I mean, CUT!
Female Lead: (To Actor) What are you doing?!
Actor: (Looks around the entire room staring back) I might have gotten a little carried away; this scene is so emotional….
Female Actor: Get a grip!
Actor: (To Director) Can we take a break?
Director: Please. Take five everyone, and somebody get me a massage chair for my pounding headache.
Female Lead: (Helps Actor up from the floor) You need some water or a towel there, buddy?
Actor: (Melting) You’re so kind to me.
Female Lead: Uh-huh. (Sits them both back on the couch) Look, I know you have a thing for me and I make you nervous –
Actor: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-nooooo....
Female Lead: You nailed this scene in the table read, so just do whatever you did there, here!
Actor: (Staring at the floor) I wasn’t looking at you during the table read.
Female Lead: Aw, that’s so sweet. (Lowers voice) Look at the wall, look at the boom mic, look at anything that’ll get you through this before next century, got it?!
(Actor nods quickly, still staring at the floor)
Director: (Pushed onto the set while sitting in the massage chair) All right everyone, places! Action!
(After the movie premiere in a major theater)
Agent: (To Actor) You did great! If I didn’t know you for reals, I’d’ve thought you were the biggest jerk alive!
Actor: The ultimate compliment in this business. (They leisurely stroll out of the theater while the main leads answer questions from reporters) Do you think anyone watching tonight noticed my character never once made eye contact with his own girlfriend?
Agent: With the wonders of editing, you can fake anything.
