Story 425: If You Feel As If You’ve Won, Then You’re a Winner

 (At an unspecific play-off golf match, the last putt of the game is sunk)

Announcer: And there you have it, folks: our two contestants who will go on to the World Finals Match, scheduled for this Saturday – now to a local correspondent on the scene.

Correspondent: (To Golfer 1) You’ve just finished play-offs with record-breaking scores, how do you feel about –

Golfer 1: (Grabs the microphone) AMAZING!  All my family and friends are here – hiiiiiiii!!!!! (Waves to a group of spectators on the sidelines who are holding supportive signs and cheering) I never thought I’d make it here, with these great players – (Gestures to the other contestants in the match standing nearby) I’m in awe of their talent, and I still can’t believe I got the chance to play golf on the same courses as them, this whole experience has been incredible, nothing can top it, and this has been the best day of my life!!!!!! (Runs to the spectators holding the signs and dives into the group; they all hug, laugh, and cry)

Golfer 2: (To a Caddy) We still have another match to play, right?

Caddy: As far as I know.

(At the World Finals Match)

Announcer: A hush falls over the crowd as our contestants prepare for this, their first shot of the finals.

Golfer 1: (Barely containing excitement, tees off with a full-body spin on the follow-through – the ball lands in the general vicinity of Hole 1, and Golfer 1 loudly whispers) YESSSSS!!!!

Golfer 2: (Tees off – the ball lands farther away from the hole than Golfer 1’s ball) Drat.  (Turns to Golfer 1, who gives an enthusiastic thumbs-up)

(At Hole 6, there is a water obstacle they need to drive the ball over; Golfer 1’s shot lands closer to the hole, but Golfer 2’s ball lands very close to the edge of the water, on the far side)

Golfer 1: Great job!

Golfer 2: Are you having a laugh?  It’s about ready to take a backwards swan dive into the drink!

Golfer 1: No, you still made it!  That’s the tricky part, getting it over the water – imagine if it’d landed right in the water?  An extra stroke, plus you’d still have to drive it over the green.

Golfer 2: I guess….

Golfer 1: (Slaps Golfer 2 on the back) That’s the spirit!  (Joins the group walking to the next part of the hole, twirling the golf club while chatting with family and friends on the sidelines)

Golfer 2: Unbelievable.

Caddy: (Also slaps Golfer 2 on the back while passing) Yeah, good job – that’s a hard shot to make, no mistake.

Golfer 2: (Eventually follows the rest of the group; to self) Is this a match or a gym class?

(At Hole 13, Golfer 1 putts but misses the hole)

Golfer 1: Oopsie.  (Sinks the next putt; the audience erupts in cheers as Golfer 1 raises arms in victory) Got a bogey, woo-hoo!

Golfer 2: (To Caddy) Are we back to being tied?

Caddy: Yep – I’m getting whiplash on you two’s scores.

(Golfer 2 shakes head, walks to the ball, and putts; the ball hovers on the edge of the hole and stops; Golfer 2 gasps in horror)

Golfer 1: Here, let me help!  (Trots over and reaches out a foot to tap the ball into the hole)

Golfer 2: (Waves frantically at Golfer 1 as the referee moves to intervene) NOOOO!!! Thank you, but NOOOO!!!

Referee: (To Golfer 1) You know you can’t interfere with the ball.

Golfer 1: Oh, I thought that was only if I was going to kick it away from the hole or something awful like that.  Carry on.  (Skips back to the spectators and snacks on an ice cream cone with them as Golfer 2 shakily sinks the putt)

Caddy: Another bogey!  And you’re just one behind the lead!

Golfer 2: …Yaaay?

(At Hole 18, the two golfers are tied again: their final drives land close to the hole)

Announcer: (In a hushed voice) This is it, folks: the tension in the air could be cut with a knife – you know how serious it is by how low I’m speaking even though I’m nowhere near the action – our contestants make their way to the hole to prepare for their final shots of the match.

Golfer 1: (Taking pictures with family and friends en route) I can’t wait till we get to the restaurant later, I heard the food’s outta this world!  Hopefully we’ll be done soon so we can get a good parking spot.

Golfer 2: (To Golfer 1) Can I talk to you for a second?

Golfer 1: Sure!  (Blows quick kisses to the spectators and steps off to the side with Golfer 2) `Sup?

Golfer 2: Sorry to pry, but I have to know: what’s your deal?

Golfer 1: Eh?

Golfer 2: I mean, every match in this tournament you’ve acted like you’ve already won, even on shots you’ve gone over par.  This has been the most intense match of my life, and you look like you’re at the press junket after you’ve won all the awards!  Aren’t you worried even a little bit that you might lose?!

Golfer 1: Nope!  But not in the way you think.

Golfer 2: How so?

Golfer 1: Not sure if you heard them mention this in the earlier matches, but I’m actually the first person in my country to qualify for this tournament.  As in, ever.

Golfer 2: Oh.  I did hear that at some point, yeah.

Golfer 1: So, you can imagine how exciting this is for all of us – (Waves and smiles to family and friends) for me to have gotten this far.

Golfer 2: (Nods) Yes, I think I can.

Golfer 1: So, while winning the championship would be lovely and all, having gotten to this point really is enough.  I’ve already won, in that sense, do you see?

Golfer 2: …Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  (Referee signals to them that the break is over)  Let’s play some golf!

Golfer 1: Oh yeah!

(Golfers 1 and 2 sink their putts and the match ends in a tie)

Golfer 1: (Dives into the group of family and friends) YIPEEEEE!!!  Beyond our wildest dreams!

Caddy: (To Golfer 2) You know, your sponsors aren’t going to too happy you’re not the sole victor, and you’re going to have to split the winnings –

Golfer 2: (Grabs Caddy in a hug) YES!!!!  We won, we won, we won!

Caddy: (Crushed) Well, when you put it that way….

(Golfer 1 runs over to Golfer 2 and they hug while jumping up and down)

Golfers 1 and 2: We-won-we-won-we-won!!!!!  BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!

Announcer: There you have it, folks: the literal definition of being a good sport.  This is going to make covering the upcoming rugby finals all the more heart-breaking.

Story 253: Life-Size Miniature Golf Course

            The four tourists arrived at their destination.

            “Here we are, folks!” Tourist 1, their leader by unspoken agreement, announced as they stood at the main entrance.  “The world’s first, and currently only, Life-Size Miniature Golf Course!  Isn’t it a thing of beauty?”

            They surveyed the acres of windmills, fields configured as pinball machines, unnatural sand, unnatural lakes, and waterfalls – so many waterfalls.

            “Is it 18 holes like in a real golf course?” Tourist 2 asked.

            “Well yeah, mini-golf has 18 holes, too.”

            “Oh, right.”

            “Can we move the ball away from the wall a bit if we hit it too close?” Tourist 3 asked.

           “There aren’t any walls here, and there’re no stroke limits, either,” Tourist 1 said.  “Wherever the ball lands, you have to hit it from there no matter what.”

            “Aw man, that’ll take forever,” Tourist 3 pointed out.

            “We’re in the big leagues now, people; no more fooling around!”

             Tourist 4 chimed in: “If it’s ‘Life-Size,’ why is it still called ‘Miniature?’”

            “ALL RIGHT WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?!”

            They picked up their neon-colored balls and adult-sized putters, along with the score card and a dinky pencil, and began their trek to Hole 1.  Ten minutes later, Tourist 2 swung by with a golf cart to carry all their stuff the rest of the way.

            Upon arrival, Tourist 4 lined up the shot and then stared at the club: “I dunno, I don’t think these things are going to hit the ball far enough to reach the hole.”

            “Just do your best,” Tourist 1 said.  The four amateurs already were sweating profusely in the summer sun, and it was getting gross.

            Tourist 4 drove the ball mightily, which then landed halfway to the ramp that eventually dropped off to the hole.

            “Yeah, this is gonna take forever,” Tourist 2 said, driving over to the Tiki Bar stationed at Hole 3.

            Hole 5 featured a windmill, but there was no tunnel through the bottom to drive the ball through: this was an actual working windmill, grain and all.

            Tourist 3 was having difficulties getting the ball out of it.

           “Did you find it yet?” Tourist 1 shouted up to the second floor; the other two players were settled on a dune having a picnic lunch.

            “I think so,” Tourist 3’s voice carried from inside.  “I think – nope, no, just another mouse.  Ah!  Here it is!”  [Whack!]  “Hit the wall again!  But I should have it out in another 15 strokes – 20, tops!”  [Whack!  Whack!  Whack!]

            A foursome approached their group. 

“Hi, you guys mind if we play through?” their unspoken-agreement leader asked.

“Not at all!” Tourist 1 said, stepping aside.  “I see you’re using woods and irons?”

“Oh yeah,” the leader said, teeing up the shot.  “This course is too big to use just putters; it’d take all day, and that's if you started early.  You do know most of this stuff is from the mini-golf course that closed down last year, right?  They merged with this course so the country club could stay open.”

“…Oh.”

Two hours later, they had moved on to Hole 6.

“Right,” Tourist 1 said, using the putter to put on the appearance of measuring the distance from the tee to the hole that was half a mile away.  “This is a tricky one, and we’re not even at the halfway point of the course yet.”

“Arrrrrggggghhhh….”  Tourist 2 slumped in the golf cart.

Tourist 1 peered into the distance: “We’ve got a dogleg around that apple orchard and then have to simultaneously avoid the sand trap, the water hazard, and the silverback gorilla that is taking up the rest of the fairway.  I see that the designers of this course are optimistic about our chances, though: the scorecard lists this hole as a Par 3.”

“Ha!”  Tourist 4 barked from up a tree.  “More like Par 30!”

Tourist 1 set the ball on the tee, calculated the angles, tested the wind sheer, and hit the ball into the water.

Tourist 2 drove over to the spot: “It’s floating!  You’ve gotta play it from here!”

“Rats,” Tourist 1 muttered.  “Now I’ll never avoid the gorilla.”

The gorilla’s speakers roared in agreement.

On Hole 13, Tourist 1 suddenly noticed that Tourists 3 and 4 had disappeared.

“Oh yeah, they went back to the clubhouse for ice cream about an hour ago,” Tourist 2 said while stretched out in the back of the golf cart.

“What?!  How could they?!  When could they?!”

“It was either while you were trying to get over that last mini-mountain or while you kept knocking the ball off the pinwheels – nope, scratch that, they left while you were going through the clown maze.  That one kind of freaked them out, plus the ball kept getting shot back to the tee so I think that might have been the last straw.”

“I see.”

           Finally arriving at Hole 18, Tourist 1 and Tourist 2 faced a double hole where the first actually was a tunnel that led 10 yards away to the final destination.

            “At last!”  Tourist 1 shrieked, parched of throat and burnt of skin.  “The end is in our grasp!”

            Tourist 2 settled down for another nap: “Um-hm.”

            In order to reach the tunnel, Tourist 1 did battle through thickets, prancing dolphins, another windmill (although painted brighter), Niagara Falls-style rapids, and random rough, reaching the double hole in just under 50 strokes.

            Tourist 1 lined up the shot carefully, tapped the ball, and watched in shock as it received an assist from the sloped ground to land directly into the final hole.

            “It’s done?  It’s done!  Victory, ahahahahaha!”

            Tourist 1 collapsed onto the ground, feebly waving the putter in triumph.

            Tourist 2 stirred briefly: “Hm – yaaaayyyy – snoooorrrreeee….”

            One of the course owners was observing from a distance.

            “Huh, no one’s ever finished the whole thing with just putters before.  Better not let them find out those are being replaced with actual golf clubs tomorrow.”