Story 428: Not Quite the Part I Auditioned For

 (In a gym, Actor is running on a treadmill while watching a show on the display)

Actor: (Suddenly stops and almost falls off) Wait, that was a cliffhanger?!  (Checks watch) Yeah, I can run for another hour.  (Taps the controls to start the next episode) This better be worth it.

Neighboring Runner: It rarely is.

Actor: I know, right?  (Looks down as cell phone on an arm band rings; pauses the video and slows the treadmill to a walk while answering) Hey, what’s up?

Agent: (On the phone while leaving a conference room) Hey-hey-hey, I’ve got great news for you!  I heard back from the rom-com director today, and you’re in!

Actor: (Muted excitement) YESSSS!!!!!  (Clears throat) That’s, that’s really great news, thanks!

Agent: It gets better: you’re gonna be playing opposite the female lead, you know, the one you’ve been crushing on forever, what’s-her-name.

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh) Well, not really “opposite”; I mean, Best Friend to the male lead would get some screen time with her, I guess; no big deal.

Agent: That’s the best part: you didn’t get the Best Friend role, they decided to go with that stand-up comic everyone wants in all their movies now, you know, what’s-his-name.

Actor: Oh.  Yeah, he’d actually be much better for the part than me, so I can’t be upset.  So, what, I’m Second Best Friend now?

Agent: Even better!

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh again) Don’t tell me the male lead dropped out and I’m now it?

Agent: You’re right, you’re not: you’re playing the Plucky Heroine’s Douchey Boyfriend, yay!

Actor: (Nearly falls off the treadmill again) Whaaaaaat????

Neighboring Runner: You mind relocating your drama somewhere else, please?  I’m trying to hate-watch the series finale of Sword Slash.

Actor: Sorry.  (Shuts off the treadmill, wipes it down, and moves to an unoccupied section of the gym while continuing the conversation in a loud whisper) I don’t understand – why would they cast me as that?!

Agent: I dunno, maybe you gave off a douchey vibe during your audition.

Actor: That wasn’t what I was going for!

Agent: Who cares?  Bottom line is, you now get to be all lovey-dovey with someone you have a thing for, and get paid for it the entire time!

Actor: No I don’t!  I get to be the one who makes her miserable and the audience boos every time I’m on screen!

Agent: Come on, no one actually does that.

Actor: I’ve seen it happen!

Agent: I’m sure it’s all in good fun.

Actor: Whatever – this is a nightmare!

Agent: Don’t exaggerate: it’s just a job, you’ll thank me eventually, now go out there and do your douchiest.

Actor: Argh!

Agent: Oh, one more thing –

Actor: What else could there possibly be?!

Agent: When you start rehearsals, could you get her autograph for me?... Hello?

(At the beginning of filming, the actors and crew are gathered in a coffee house set)

Director: All right everyone, remember the blocking; lighting’s all set up and not moving ever; just do it like you did at the table read and we should get through this with minimal waste and maximum efficiency.  Places!

(Actor and Female Lead go sit on the couch while holding empty coffee cups)

Female Lead: (To Actor) Do you need Makeup again?  You seem a bit sweaty.

Actor: (Briefly touches hairline with a shaking hand) I think it’s the lights – I’ll be fine, thanks.

Director: Action!

(Crew Member holds a clapperboard in front of the camera and shouts out the scene and take number)

Plucky Heroine: You called me a bajillion times last night.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Sips coffee) Well, maybe I wouldn’t’ve had to if you’d answered just once.

Plucky Heroine: I was busy.

Douchey Boyfriend: I bet.  (Slurps coffee a bit too loudly and clears throat)

Plucky Heroine: What is that supposed to mean?

Douchey Boyfriend: It means, I think you were getting busy with that guy you’ve been spending all your spare time with lately, you know, Clive?  Clark?  Clifford?

Plucky Heroine: Brendan?

Douchey Boyfriend: Yeah, that loser.  (Shakily sets the cup down on a nearby table) Guess he’s got something I don’t, huh.

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Stares with wide eyes at Plucky Heroine, speaking with a small voice) I’m sorry.

Director: Cut!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What was that?!

Actor: (Still staring) …Improv?

Director: (To Actor) You: stick to the script!  (To everyone else) Everyone else: pick it up from the next-to-last line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Glares back) You bi – (Twitches jaw) You – mmmmmm – (Closes eyes briefly, runs hand through hair, then points at Plucky Heroine) You b-eautiful human being –

Director: CUT!  (Female Lead throws her hands up in the air)

Actor: (To Director) I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this guy would be calling her a nasty name if he truly wants her to stay his girlfriend!  (Looks intensely at Female Lead) I never would.

Female Lead: Dude – the character’s a douche, he doesn’t care about her, he just wants to win!

Actor: Well that’s just mean.

Director: Take it up with the screenwriter – now pick it up from your line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Douchey Boyfriend: You b-----.  (Cringes)

Plucky Heroine: No, you’re the b-----.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Gasps) You take that back!

Plucky Heroine: (Stands and flings the coffee cup away; it lands perfectly in a nearby trash can) Never!  I see now what true love really is, and you’re not it!  (Starts to leave)

Douchey Boyfriend: (Follows her on his knees) No, wait, please come back, I love you!

Female Lead: (Spins around) WHAT?!

Director: WHAT?!  I mean, CUT!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What are you doing?!

Actor: (Looks around the entire room staring back) I might have gotten a little carried away; this scene is so emotional….

Female Actor: Get a grip!

Actor: (To Director) Can we take a break?

Director: Please.  Take five everyone, and somebody get me a massage chair for my pounding headache.

Female Lead: (Helps Actor up from the floor) You need some water or a towel there, buddy?

Actor: (Melting) You’re so kind to me.

Female Lead: Uh-huh.  (Sits them both back on the couch) Look, I know you have a thing for me and I make you nervous –

Actor: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-nooooo....

Female Lead: You nailed this scene in the table read, so just do whatever you did there, here!

Actor: (Staring at the floor) I wasn’t looking at you during the table read.

Female Lead: Aw, that’s so sweet.  (Lowers voice) Look at the wall, look at the boom mic, look at anything that’ll get you through this before next century, got it?!

(Actor nods quickly, still staring at the floor)

Director: (Pushed onto the set while sitting in the massage chair) All right everyone, places!  Action!

(After the movie premiere in a major theater)

Agent: (To Actor) You did great!  If I didn’t know you for reals, I’d’ve thought you were the biggest jerk alive!

Actor: The ultimate compliment in this business.  (They leisurely stroll out of the theater while the main leads answer questions from reporters) Do you think anyone watching tonight noticed my character never once made eye contact with his own girlfriend?

Agent: With the wonders of editing, you can fake anything.

Story 344: Director’s Commentary

            [Disc is loaded into the player; menu appears – Director’s Commentary – ON – Play Movie]

          Director: (Voiceover as opening titles scroll across the screen) So, you may be  somewhat surprised to hear me doing this, after I’d quite vociferously proclaimed on multiple occasions that I would never, ever, EVER do one of these things again.  But, it turns out – money.  You don’t get it with a breached contract, and mine for this film snuck in the whatever disc commentary, sneaky gits.  I valiantly tried to dump this onto the screenwriter, the executive producer, the lead actor, the composer, the caterer, the transportation captain, the president of the fan club – all unanimously told me to shove off, so here we are.

            (Opening establishing shots of the film)

          Director: (V.O.) Hoo-boy, I’d already forgotten this thing’s over three hours long – we shot over 96 hours of footage, so lots of long nights in the editing room.  I think I’ve seen this thing about 300 times by now.  Once more with feeling, eh?  (Sound of carbonated drink being opened) Throat’s already getting dry just thinking about it.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Yeah, that river’s fake… That forest’s fake…. That elephant’s fake…. That king’s fake…. No wait, scratch that, king was real.  Country was fake, though; surprise for him, let me tell you.  (Sound of drinking soda) Aaaaaahhhhh, hate filming crowd scenes – wish those were fake.  Extras are the worst, always wanting to be paid at a higher tier for standing around in the blazing sun for five hours straight, and get a lunch break on top of it.  Wish I had it so easy.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) This scene’s great – steady camera to the rescue!  But seriously, we lost two brave cranes and about 100 yards of track to shoot it, so you’d better appreciate this 60 seconds of cinematic gold…. And it’s over.  I think my point was made, don’t you?  Those trolls online drown out the voices of truth, but legitimate connoisseurs of art would agree that “obscure” is most assuredly not an appropriate adjective for my work.  I defy you to tell me otherwise.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I’ve gotten complaints about this scene because the camera never stops moving, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, the camera is an extension of you, the audience, so you have no one to blame but yourselves…. You see, it’s metaphors upon metaphors…. Wow, what an amazing jump cut that was.  I’m freakin’ awesome.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I can’t believe I kept this scene in – the lighting does nothing, the actors were off their game, the dialogue is poor, the production design is “What?”, the music is jarringly atonal, the plot goes off on a tangent and takes forever to recover from it – you know what, just forget this scene ever happened, it’s utter garbage…. By the way, this one’s on the screenwriter, not me: I was a tyrant on the set, but the one hold over me in that world is that I must film what’s written in the script, and the screenwriter’s reps wouldn’t let me edit any of it out.  So, the scene stuck, and I was powerless to fight it…. Ooh, this is my cameo – I’m the silhouette by the window.  Never mind, you can remember this scene happened now, I insist.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O. with sounds of eating potato chips) I’d like to take this moment to point out that any historical inaccuracies you all have been so kind to point out to me numerous times are intentional – I know what really happened, we all know what really happened, and it was completely underwhelming so I made it look better.  This isn’t a newsreel, folks, this is ART!  (Chokes a bit on the chips)

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) As you may have noticed, costumes are extremely integral towards making this whole bit of make-believe believable, and I have regretted firing the original costume designer halfway through production every day since.  Slacker totally deserved it, but I must admit there is a distinct decline in the overall work in the scenes filmed afterward, of course not chronologically with regards to the plot…. Yes, the threads certainly suffered.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Almost there – (Yawns) – sorry, but I really have seen this thing way too many times to enjoy it anymore.  I always was told that it’s no fun when you’re the one in charge, but I never believed it until it was too late…. By the way, that pen there symbolizes the main character’s struggles with the eternal question of what’s right and wrong.  No one ever got it, so I guess I failed in that respect.  Oh well…. (End credits begin to roll) And that’s the end!  (Sounds of stretching) I think my leg fell asleep.  Thank you all for watching and listening to me drone on for almost 1/6 of a day, and also for giving me your money – much appreciated.  Oh, one last thing: next time you watch a film, always pay attention to the background details – the crew works so long and so hard to make all that stuff, so you’d better appreciate it.  Now that this cinematic epic is over, go ponder everything I just told you…. Whoa, that was a lot of graphic designers on the payroll, I never realized…. Anyways, I hope now I never have to see this thing again…. (Sound of rustling papers) I also have to do the anniversary edition in 10 years?!  Fine, whatever: the art demands.