Story 648: Home Repair Ignorance Is Not Bliss

             (In a house, Resident sleepily shuffles into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door with one hand while rubbing eyes with the other)

Refrigerator: <Sounds of parts grinding) [You never vacuumed my coils and now my workings are all clogged up!]

Resident: (Grabbing a juice carton out from the back of the crowded shelf) <Yawn> Quit your moaning; I’ll get on it.  (Lets the door slam shut and shuffles away)

Refrigerator: [And my shelves are a mess!  You have multiple uninvited colonies of microbes living in here, did you know that?!  Hellloooo??!!]

Resident: (Barely staying awake while slumped at the kitchen table, drinking from the carton and eating from a box of cereal) Mm-hmmm…. Right… on it…. 

SIX MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks in through the front door after work, drops a messenger bag onto the floor, flings off shoes, then stops and sniffs the air)

Resident: Almost smells like something’s on fire.  Interesting.

(Hunts through the house, lifts up an area rug, smells a shirt that is lying on the couch, then realizes that the smell is coming from the vents)

Resident: Huh, wonder what that could be?

(Tiredly lifts up a door in the laundry room floor, then slides down a stepladder into the crawl space and wiggles over to the furnace)

Furnace: <Sounds of parts grinding> [You haven’t had anyone give me a tune-up since you moved in!  I won’t be responsible for the consequences!]

Resident: (Knocks lightly on an outside panel, then shrugs and wiggles back to the stepladder) Ah, why bother – it’s still summer.

Furnace: [GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!] 

THREE MONTHS LATER 

(Resident is lying on the couch watching a movie on a large-screen TV when a loud <KLUNK!> is heard in the near distance)

Resident: (Pauses the movie) Yes?

Washing Machine: <Muffled sounds of parts grinding> [If I’m making noises when I’m not even ON, there’s a problem!]

Resident: (Listens to the noises for a few more seconds, then shrugs and resumes the movie) Eh, no rush to do anything about it now. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks into the bathroom, humming, then stops on seeing water pooled around the bottom edge of the toilet)

Resident: Hmmmm…. (Thinks for a few moments, then grabs a large bath towel from a rack, piles it around the bottom edge of the toilet, and nods in satisfaction) Problem solved.  (Grabs deodorant and sprays self all over on the way out, humming again)

Toilet: <Constant sound of running water> [Un… believable….] 

ONE MONTH LATER 

(Resident walks to the bedroom in pajamas and suddenly hears a loud <CREAK!>)

Resident: (Stops in the hallway, then looks up at the ceiling) Ghosts finally move in?

House: <Creaking> [No, you idiot, I’m infested with termites and they’re eating me alive!  Or should I say dead, since the trees used to make me had to be CHOPPED DOWN in their prime!  Don’t you see the sawdust piles those invaders leave, or notice that the wooden walls and floors lately sound extremely hollow?!  Or did this all just blend in with your regular mess?!]

Resident: (Looks down and sees several sawdust piles) Huh – wonder where those came from?  (Knocks on a nearby wall that sounds suspiciously hollow)

Termites: [No one’s home!]

Resident: OK then – nighty-night.  (Shuffles into the bedroom and flops onto the bed)

House: (To the termites) [Oh go ahead – this’ll be the ultimate revenge.] 

ONE DAY LATER 

(Resident hears knocking at the front door and opens it)

Resident: Hi!  Do I know you?

Town Official: Thankfully not: I’m posting a notice that your house has been condemned – please exit before it collapses on you.  (Posts a notice on the outside of the screen door)

Resident: Well, there must be some mistake.  You sure you’re at the right address?

Town Official: (Looks around at the lopsided house, yards-high grass, and bifurcated driveway, then back at Resident) Quite sure.  There have been numerous notices mailed to you about this issue.

Resident: (Leans against a door jamb, which immediately breaks off; leans against the opposite door jamb instead) Oh really?  `Cause this certainly is the first I’m hearing about it!

Town Official: (Casts a glance at the mail pile on the stoop that has reached the top of the mailbox fixed next to the front door) I don’t doubt it.  Now, please come with me to Town Hall where we can start processing all the fines you need to pay and discuss razing everything to the ground and starting over – with any luck, you may avoid jail time.  (Turns and carefully walks around the cracks in the ground while heading toward a car that is parked half a block away)

Resident: (Hops around obstacles on the ground) This – is – unacceptable!  I demand an explanation!

Town Official: (Turns back to Resident as they both reach the safety of the street) I literally just gave one.  You can follow me to Town Hall if you don’t know the way there – I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t want your chaos infecting my car.

Resident: Well, you can tell “Town Hall” that they’ve gone too far!  This is overreach, to the worst extreme!  My house is perfectly fine, and I will take care of any supposed issues that arise inside, outside, above, and/or below it, without some patronizing unseen force that thinks it can tell me what to do just because it makes sure my recycling is picked up and education is provided and whatever, meddling in my personal affairs!  Everything is, always has been, and always will be, PERFECTLY!  FINE!!

House: [That’s our cue, folks!]

(The entire structure collapses, down through the crawl space and beyond)

Malfunctioning Appliances: [We’re free, hurrah!]

(Resident and Town Official stare at the self-imposed demolition until it finally settles with a whimper)

Resident: (Eventually turns back to Town Official) My taxes cover fixing that, right?

Town Official: I’m sorry: we don’t meddle in personal affairs.

Resident: Guess I deserved that.

Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 530: What Is This Detector Detecting?

             Customer Service Representative: (Wearing a headset and sitting at a desk in a company’s call center) Thank you for calling -----, this is -------, how may I assist you today?

Homeowner: (Perched at the top of a ladder in a hallway) Yeah hi, my smoke detector’s been beeping for over an hour and I can’t get it to stop.  (<BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: I have to ask: did you hit the big round button in the middle yet?

Homeowner: Your qualifying phrase at the beginning staved off me screaming “Yes!” in utter rage; well done.

Customer Service Representative: (Chuckles) Not my first rodeo.

Homeowner: Huh?  (<BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: So!  It sounds like the battery’s getting low and will need to be replaced.

Homeowner: (Juggling a box with instructions while trying to keep the phone propped against one ear) But it says here that The Voice is supposed to tell me there’s a low battery, and it’s been suspiciously mum the entire time.

Customer Service Representative: So it’s just beeping?

Homeowner: Yeah – about every 30 seconds.  Driving me bonkers.  (<BEEP-BEEP!>)  Again!

Customer Service Representative: OK – it’s also hardwired in, correct?

Homeowner: I think so; it was here when I moved in, and I found the box tucked away in a cabinet.

Customer Service Representative: OK, if you haven’t already done so, turn off the circuit breaker for that area and then take the detector off the mounting bracket that’s holding it – you’ll also have to pop it off the wires that are connected to it.

Homeowner: Got it – hold on a minute.  (Sets down the phone, scrambles down the ladder, and stats switching circuit breakers on and off.  Five minutes later) You still there? (<BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: (Finishes posting status update “#questioninglifechoices” on social media) Yes, I’m still here.

Homeowner: Sorry, none of the circuit breakers are labelled so it took forever to figure out which one’s actually connected to this thing – the hallway light’s out and I’m now in darkness, but the detector’s still beeping!  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: That’s probably the battery back-up, then.  Did you take the detector off the bracket yet?

Homeowner: Nope – hang on.  (Grabs the detector, turns it slightly, and pulls) Hang on – (Pulls hard with both hands while holding the phone against a shoulder) Hang on – (Has let go of the ladder and dangles freely while holding onto the detector still attached to the ceiling) Hang on –

Customer Service Representative: Did you turn it counter-clockwise before pulling down?

Homeowner: (Straining while kicking in the air): Yes!  Now gravity is failing me in its one role in life!

Customer Service Representative: The device might be stuck – how many years have you been living there, since you said it was installed before you moved in?

Homeowner: (Face turning red from the strain) I don’t know, forever it feels like!

Customer Service Representative: I’m sure it’s been less than 10 years – that’s how long these things are guaranteed for.

Homeowner: (Sweat pouring everywhere) It’s none of your business anyway!  Ooh, wait a minute, did you say “counter-clockwise”?

Customer Service Representative: …Yes.

Homeowner: OK.  (Swings body to turn the detector in the other direction; both the detector and Homeowner immediately fall to the floor)

Customer Service Representative: Are you OK?!

Homeowner: (Faintly from the floor) No, but I got it off the ceiling.  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: (Sighs quietly in relief) All right, you’re going to have to get a new detector at this point since it sounds like this one is a bust, so I’m going to talk you through demolishing the battery so you can dispose the unit afterward, all right?

Homeowner: (Has wobbly stood up again, picked up the phone, and stares at the detector) All right….

Customer Service Representative: Now, there should be a label on the back that says something like “Remove this label and move the tab to destroy the battery”; do you see it?

Homeowner: (Squints while reading the back text) …No.

Customer Service Representative: OK, is there a label pointing out where the battery is?

Homeowner: (Squints while reading the back text) …No.

Customer Service Representative: (Starts grinding teeth) What does the back of the unit say, then?

Homeowner: Not much – it’s got some weird black triangle-thing with a yellow background at the top, and says “DO NOT REMOVE” in really big letters in the middle, and then slightly smaller “Stay Where You Are” at the bottom.  (Looks up in confusion) Does that mean the battery’s somewhere else, then?

Customer Service Representative: (Flabbergasted) Let’s back up a bit here: what’s the model number on the detector?

Homeowner: Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.

Customer Service Representative: (Pulls the headset’s microphone closer) This may sound like a stupid question, but what is the brand name on the detector?

Homeowner: Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.

Customer Service Representative: So… how did you know to call here?

Homeowner: I told you, I found a box in the cabinet – it already had a detector in there though, which I thought was kind of weird but figured it was a spare or this was the spare, you know?  (Picks up the extra detector where it was lying on the kitchen table) Hey, look at that – this one has your company’s name all over it; wonder why the other one doesn’t?  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: Is it me, or are there more beeps at a time now than before?

Homeowner: (Sets down the previous detector and looks back at the beeping one) Oh yeah, I didn’t even notice.  It’s flashing different colors now, too; I thought it only had green and red, but clearly it’s been holding out on me.  Wonder if it’s sending out a signal, heh-heh-heh?

Customer Service Representative: (Gulping in panic) …Not to alarm you –

Homeowner: Pun intended!  Ahahaha!

Customer Service Representative: - but I think you may want to call the police.  And leave your house immediately.

Homeowner: What for?  It’s just some broken smoke detector; doubt the place’ll burn down in the 20 minutes it’ll take to get a new one.  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: The thing is, I don’t think it’s actually a smoke detector; it sounds like –

Homeowner: (On hearing banging at the front door) Hold on, there’s someone at the door.  It never ends, am-I-right?  (Walks to the front of the house)

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing frantically) No-no-no, do not answer the door, I’m sending the police to you – !

(Customer Service Representative hears a door being unbolted and opened)

Homeowner: (Voice is muffled by distance from the phone that was left on the kitchen table) Oh hey there – what can I do for you folks?

Voice: (Muffled by distance) GIVE US THE TALISMAN.

Homeowner: Hm, nope, don’t think anything like that’s here, but next door might –

(An increasingly loud whine resounds through Customer Service Representative’s headset)

Customer Service Representative: (Stops typing to pull one earpiece away and pull the microphone closer) Hello?!  Are you still there?!  Hang on, buddy!  (The call disconnects)  Oh no.

(Manager speedwalks to Customer Service Representative’s desk)

Manager: I heard the commotion – did they get another one?

Customer Service Representative: (Takes off the headset and stands) I am so sorry this happened – I should’ve realized sooner what was going on, and I think I sent the police too late for that poor soul.  I failed in my sole duty of serving the customer.  (Hangs head in shame)

Manager: (Pats Customer Service Representative’s shoulder in sympathy) There, there, you’re not to blame – you did your best, considering the circumstances.  On the bright side, this is a perfect example for me to present at the next board meeting on why we need a product redesign.

Story 453: Failed Inspection Fallout

             (In a Motor Vehicles inspection bay, Friend 1 and Friend 2 wait in a nearby roped-off area)

Friend 1: So, we’re making pretty good time today, I think.  Sorry you had to come with me to drop off the loaner and pick up the old girl – (Gestures to the car currently getting a physical by a technician) from the repair shop, but at least we can go to the beach right from here instead of having to take the extra time to come back and pick you up and then go.  We should get a spot right on the ocean at this rate.

Friend 2: (Typing a work e-mail on the phone to pass the time) Uh-huh.  You know you could’ve avoided all that if you’d brought the car in for inspection earlier in the month instead of leaving it last-minute, yes?

Friend 1: It is not last-minute; I’ve got a whole `nother week before the sticker expires!  And I was going to bring it in earlier, but life happened, and then the Service Engine light decided to make its stage debut – couldn’t exactly leave that on, bold as brass, when I brought it here, now could I?

Friend 2: And then the shop found about six other things that needed to be replaced a year ago.

Friend 1: It was still safe to drive!

Friend 2: Yeah, a year ago.  You’ve had so many parts replaced, your car’s turning into the Ship of Theseus.

Friend 1: I… don’t know anyone named Theseus, what?

Friend 2: (Finishes the e-mail and finally turns to Friend 1) It’s a paradox: Theseus with the minotaur and the labyrinth and abandoning Ariadne who helped him with all that  –

Friend 1: Oh yeah, that dude.

Friend 2: – had a ship that took him around for those shenanigans, but gradually every single plank was replaced so at some point, could you say that the ship was even the original ship anymore?

Friend 1: (Tilts head to think) …In spirit?

Friend 2: Forget it; bottom line is, you’ve had so many repairs done that you probably should trade it in before it gets any worse.

Friend 1: You hush your mouth – it still runs fine, and I just got brand-new brakes and semi-brand-new what’s-it arms and sort-of new windshield wipers and passably new tires so it’s absolutely perfect right now exactly the way it is!

(Technician slaps a “REJECTED” sticker on the car’s windshield; Friend 1’s head whips around at the sound and unblinkingly stares at the glaring red-and-black notice)

Friend 1: [Deadly silence]

Friend 2: (In a low voice) Uh-oh….

Friend 1: [Deadly silence]

Technician: (To Friend 1) Can I speak to you for a few moments, please?

Friend 1: (To Friend 2, in a semi-choked voice) Would you excuse me while I deal with this travesty?

Friend 2: Just remember to breathe.

Friend 1: Yessss s’mother.  (Exits the waiting area and passes the car, patting the hood lightly as it weeps) There-there, baby – Momma’s gonna get this allll straightened out.  (To Technician) Yes, my good state worker, what seems to be the confusion here?

Technician: You’re gonna have to bring the car back for inspection.  (Hands over several forms) Read the pamphlet, follow the instructions, and bring the car back after you’ve completed a drive cycle.

Friend 1: Forgive my diminished mental comprehension that apparently has struck me all of a sudden, but at the moment your words bear little meaning to me – this car is in perfect condition; better, even, since I literally just drove it in from the repair shop!

Technician: Well, that’s the problem.

Friend 1: But the wonderful service techs there repaired it so beautifully!

Technician: I’m sure they did, but they also shut off the battery which reset the on-board diagnostic system and now we can’t do a reading on it for the inspection.

Friend 1: Those jerks!

Technician: The battery’s always turned off so they don’t get electrocuted while working on the car.

Friend 1: I retract my slander.  So now what?

Technician: Like I said, read the pamphlet so you know what to do to complete a drive cycle – you can check your car’s manual, too – and bring it back for inspection after that’s done.  You get an extra month for it to pass.  (Friend 1 stares blankly at the forms) OK?  Can you leave now so we can continue with the miles-long line that we get here all day every day?

Friend 1: (Looks up blankly) Huh?  Oh.  Right…. (Blankly gets into the car, buckles up, and nearly drives away)

Friend 2: (Scrambles out of the waiting area and into the passenger seat) Hold-on-hold-on-hold-on – (Manages to buckle up as Friend 1 speeds out of the inspection bay and autopilots through the traffic jam leaving the parking lot) You gonna be all right?  Want me to drive us to the beach?

Friend 1: (Stopped at a traffic light) It failed?  I’ve never failed inspection in my entire driving life…. (Pats the dashboard soothingly as the car momentarily stalls) It’s OK, baby, it’s not your fault.

Friend 2: Are you talking to the car?

Friend 1: (Suddenly snaps out of it as the light turns green and they continue on the road) Wait a minute, it’s not my fault, either!  Why didn’t anyone at the shop tell me to wait before taking the car in for inspection?!

Friend 2: Probably because no else does that.

Friend 1: I can’t be the only one!  And the sticker’s right there, date and all!  (Gestures with one hand at the inspection sticker, notices the “DETCEJER” above it, and shakes fist at it) And now I’ve got a modern-day scarlet letter!  Word.

Friend 2: I don’t think it’s their job to monitor your inspection schedule.

Friend 1: Well – then – I am going to write them a very sternly worded SUGGESTION!

Friend 2: Splendid.  The beach is in the opposite direction, by the way.

Friend 1: FIDDLESTICKS!  (Plows through a U-turn while yelling out the window) Out of the way!  I’m driving a failed-inspection car so I’ve got nothing to lose!

Friend 2: (Head buried in hands to block the view) Please let us make it there in one piece.

(At the beach, Friend 2 is reading a book while relaxed in a chair under the umbrella while Friend 1, sitting on a blanket, agitatedly reads the failed-inspection paperwork while scrolling through a phone)

Friend 2: You know, the sun is shining brightly, the beach is basically clean, the ocean is beautifully crashing itself onto the shore, the out-of-school children and their adults are mostly behaving themselves, and you’re not taking in any of it because of one minor inconvenience.

Friend 1: (Turns slowly in horror to Friend 2) “Inconvenience”?  “Minor”?

Friend 2: Yeah – I read the papers on the way here and you really only have to drive the car on the highway a bit, stop-and-go a few times, and let it sit overnight; you’re practically there now, I bet.

Friend 1: Did you also read the part where I can still receive a citation if I let it go past the end of this month?!

Friend 2: (Eyebrows knot in confusion) Don’t remember that – it said you have until the end of next month now, where’s you see that other bit?

Friend 1: Here!  (Holds up the phone showing the Motor Vehicles’ site detailing failed inspections) The scarlet word won’t save me – I can get pulled over and thrown into jail at any moment!

Friend 2: Hardly – you’d probably just get fined.

Friend 1: Not feeling better!

Friend 2: (Starts burying feet in the sand) Face it, you’re just upset because you failed something that basically was avoidable if the timing was better and you’d known what might happen, and you now have to spend extra time, money, and gas to have it resolved.

Friend 1: (Returns to reading the forms) Those facts are not in dispute.  (Lowers the papers with a sudden slam) And now I have to wait on that super-long line AGAIN!

Friend 2: (Shrugs while sipping water) Go early in the morning.

Friend 1: And sacrifice my sleep?!  (Gasps) And what if it FAILS again?!  What am I gonna do then?!  How many times can I fail inspection before something happens?!  (Suddenly stands and runs into the ocean) This whole week is ruined!  (Dives into the water and starts punching the waves as fellow beachgoers cheer)

Friend 2: (Returns to reading the book) Your own worst enemy – ooh, the butler actually did do it, should’ve known that was coming.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In the Motor Vehicles inspection bay, the car is being reinspected as Friend 1 bites nails while standing in the waiting area)

Technician: (Scrapes off the stickers and adds a new one dated two years in the future) You’re all set – have a good day!

Friend 1: (Yanks nails out of mouth) Wait – that’s it?

Technician: Yep!  And as an added bonus, since it’s barely 7 in the morning I’m happy for you for the next five minutes!

Friend 1: (Leaves the waiting area) No, wait, you probably don’t remember me from last week –

Technician: Nope!

Friend 1: (Hands over papers) My car failed inspection then, so these said I have to bring them back now – isn’t there something else that needs to be done for this, like balloons and streamers or something?

Technician: Sure.  (Takes the papers, crumbles them into a ball, and tosses that into a nearby trash can) Sweet!  Three points!  (Turns back to Friend 1) Seriously: get outta here now.

Friend 1: OK, thanks!  (Dives into the car and speeds off)

Technician: (Turns back to face the entrance to the bay; smile drops when seeing the ginormous line that was not there several minutes ago) And so it continues….

Friend 1: (Driving back home, rubs the dashboard soothingly) It’s all right, it’s over now…. (Cell phone rings; Friend 1 answers it on speaker) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Voice) So, what’s the verdict?  Pass or fail again?

Friend 1: How’d you know I’d’ve been there and had it done by now?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Smug.  It passed, woo-hoo!

Friend 2: Thank goodness – now we can all breathe in peace.

Friend 1: Oh hardy-ha-ha, you’re no help whatsoever.

Friend 2: Hey, I was there the first time!  Only because we had plans for later, but still.

Friend 1: Yeah, yeah.  Anyway, you’ll be relieved to know the Ship of Theseus is still sailing smoothly; I have a new sticker that will ward off the well-intentioned monitors for the next two years; and – (Eyes cut over to the dashboard) and –

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: AND THE SERVICE ENGINE LIGHT’S BACK ON AGAIN!

Friend 2: At least it waited until after the inspection this time.

Friend 1: True.

Story 427: Overheard in the Patient Exam Room

 (In a doctor’s office, a medical assistant leads a patient to an exam room)

Medical Assistant: (Remains at the door and nods at the exam table) You can have a seat – the doctor’ll be in as soon as possible.

Patient: (Hops backward onto the table) Yeah, I saw that waiting room – so you think an hour and a half; two, tops?  (Laughs)

Medical Assistant: Ahahahahaha – !  (Starts weeping while closing the door)

(Patient stares at the door for a few moments, then shakes head and glances around the room for a distraction)

Patient: (Spots a magazine rack) Sweet.  (Grabs a few issues and skims the cover headlines, stopping at one that reads: “Manly Men Mess: Boy Band Breakup??!!!!”)  Ooh, scandal.  (Tosses the other magazines back into the rack and begins reading the article greedily)

 TEN MINUTES LATER

Patient: (Squinting at the tiny print, muttering) Wait a sec, I thought he already went to college?... Oh, he’s going for his master’s now; good for him.  (Hears footsteps heading toward the door; throws the magazine into the rack and reclines casually back on the table) And just when it was gettin’ good.

(Voices are heard outside the door)

Doctor: Where’d you say it was?

Medical Assistant: The office next to Exam 2.

Doctor: Show me.

Patient: (Looks around the room again) Is this Exam 2?

(Voices now are heard from the next room)

Doctor: So where is it?

Medical Assistant: Here.

(Sounds of furniture being roughly moved around)

Doctor: Ah shoot, again?!  I thought we had this fixed last time!

Medical Assistant: It was fixed, but now it’s back.

(More sounds of furniture moving)

Doctor: I can’t deal with this right now, we’ve got a full schedule today and 50 walk-ins!

Medical Assistant: I know, but we can’t just leave this either, it’s gonna –

Doctor: I know what it’s gonna do, just let me think for a minute!  How soon can the… you know… fixer-person come in and fix this?

Medical Assistant: I haven’t called yet, but last time we had to wait almost a week.

Doctor: A week?!  This needs to be fixed yesterday!

(Sounds of a cell phone being dialed)

Medical Assistant: I’ll call now and say it’s an emergency –

Doctor: Darn tootin’ it is!  Sorry, I’m a little more stressed than usual.

Medical Assistant: I hadn’t noticed a difference…. Yes, it’s us again…. Yes, it happened again.

(Sounds of floorboards being ripped up)

Doctor: Tell them it’s so much bigger this time!

Medical Assistant: It’s gotten bigger…. Doctor, they say they can be here 2:00 tomorrow.

(A large RIP! and CRASH! as a floorboard is tossed across the room)

Doctor: Nope!  We need a stat consult NOW!

Medical Assistant: Don’t suppose you could come over now?

(Rhythmic banging noises echo on what sound like metal pipes and wooden floors)

Doctor: C’mon!  (BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!) I’ll get you, you little –

Medical Assistant: Hold on a moment, please – Doctor, there’s a patient in Exam 2 who can probably hear this.

Doctor: Huh?  Oh, just tell `em everything’s fine.  (BANG!  BANG!  BANG!)

Medical Assistant: It may sound better coming from you.

Doctor: No, it won’t, they’ll just think I’m coming in for the exam and get angry that I’m not!

Medical Assistant: All right.

(Footsteps approach the door; Patient hurries away from having an ear against the wall to hop back onto the table)

Medical Assistant: (Opens the door with the hand not holding the cell phone, enters quickly, and closes it again) Hi – have you heard anything… unusual from the other room?

Patient: A little bit, yeah.

Medical Assistant: Well, don’t be alarmed: it’s just a minor repair in one of the offices –

(BANG!)         

Medical Assistant: (Winces) Nothing to worry about.

(SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!!!)

Doctor: AHA!  I have you now!

Medical Assistant: Everything’s under control.

Voice From Cell Phone: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

Medical Assistant: (Into the phone) I’ll call you back in a few minutes.  (Disconnects the call)

Patient: Should I reschedule?

Medical Assistant: I wouldn’t – we’re booked solid for the next two years.

(A large SLAM! rattles the room)

Medical Assistant: Sit tight!  (Rushes out of the room and gently closes the door)

Doctor: All good?  (BANG-BANG-BANG-)

Medical Assistant: Not really: the patient wants to reschedule and I hate to think what the ones in the waiting room are doing right now.

Doctor: Whatever; they can always come back if this scares them off for some reason – we have appointments six days a week and I haven’t taken a vacation in SEVEN YEARS!  (SCREEEEECH – POP)  Oops.

Medical Assistant: Quick, get it before it’s too late!

Doctor: Take that!  (CRASH!)  And that!  (CRASH!)  And that!  That!  That!  (CRASH-CRASH-CRASH!)  I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

(The crashing and banging and screeching and ripping continue unabated; Patient picks up the thrown magazine, lies down on the table, and resumes reading the interrupted article)

Patient: (Starts nodding in time with the sounds of destruction) It’s almost soothing….