Story 428: Not Quite the Part I Auditioned For

 (In a gym, Actor is running on a treadmill while watching a show on the display)

Actor: (Suddenly stops and almost falls off) Wait, that was a cliffhanger?!  (Checks watch) Yeah, I can run for another hour.  (Taps the controls to start the next episode) This better be worth it.

Neighboring Runner: It rarely is.

Actor: I know, right?  (Looks down as cell phone on an arm band rings; pauses the video and slows the treadmill to a walk while answering) Hey, what’s up?

Agent: (On the phone while leaving a conference room) Hey-hey-hey, I’ve got great news for you!  I heard back from the rom-com director today, and you’re in!

Actor: (Muted excitement) YESSSS!!!!!  (Clears throat) That’s, that’s really great news, thanks!

Agent: It gets better: you’re gonna be playing opposite the female lead, you know, the one you’ve been crushing on forever, what’s-her-name.

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh) Well, not really “opposite”; I mean, Best Friend to the male lead would get some screen time with her, I guess; no big deal.

Agent: That’s the best part: you didn’t get the Best Friend role, they decided to go with that stand-up comic everyone wants in all their movies now, you know, what’s-his-name.

Actor: Oh.  Yeah, he’d actually be much better for the part than me, so I can’t be upset.  So, what, I’m Second Best Friend now?

Agent: Even better!

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh again) Don’t tell me the male lead dropped out and I’m now it?

Agent: You’re right, you’re not: you’re playing the Plucky Heroine’s Douchey Boyfriend, yay!

Actor: (Nearly falls off the treadmill again) Whaaaaaat????

Neighboring Runner: You mind relocating your drama somewhere else, please?  I’m trying to hate-watch the series finale of Sword Slash.

Actor: Sorry.  (Shuts off the treadmill, wipes it down, and moves to an unoccupied section of the gym while continuing the conversation in a loud whisper) I don’t understand – why would they cast me as that?!

Agent: I dunno, maybe you gave off a douchey vibe during your audition.

Actor: That wasn’t what I was going for!

Agent: Who cares?  Bottom line is, you now get to be all lovey-dovey with someone you have a thing for, and get paid for it the entire time!

Actor: No I don’t!  I get to be the one who makes her miserable and the audience boos every time I’m on screen!

Agent: Come on, no one actually does that.

Actor: I’ve seen it happen!

Agent: I’m sure it’s all in good fun.

Actor: Whatever – this is a nightmare!

Agent: Don’t exaggerate: it’s just a job, you’ll thank me eventually, now go out there and do your douchiest.

Actor: Argh!

Agent: Oh, one more thing –

Actor: What else could there possibly be?!

Agent: When you start rehearsals, could you get her autograph for me?... Hello?

(At the beginning of filming, the actors and crew are gathered in a coffee house set)

Director: All right everyone, remember the blocking; lighting’s all set up and not moving ever; just do it like you did at the table read and we should get through this with minimal waste and maximum efficiency.  Places!

(Actor and Female Lead go sit on the couch while holding empty coffee cups)

Female Lead: (To Actor) Do you need Makeup again?  You seem a bit sweaty.

Actor: (Briefly touches hairline with a shaking hand) I think it’s the lights – I’ll be fine, thanks.

Director: Action!

(Crew Member holds a clapperboard in front of the camera and shouts out the scene and take number)

Plucky Heroine: You called me a bajillion times last night.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Sips coffee) Well, maybe I wouldn’t’ve had to if you’d answered just once.

Plucky Heroine: I was busy.

Douchey Boyfriend: I bet.  (Slurps coffee a bit too loudly and clears throat)

Plucky Heroine: What is that supposed to mean?

Douchey Boyfriend: It means, I think you were getting busy with that guy you’ve been spending all your spare time with lately, you know, Clive?  Clark?  Clifford?

Plucky Heroine: Brendan?

Douchey Boyfriend: Yeah, that loser.  (Shakily sets the cup down on a nearby table) Guess he’s got something I don’t, huh.

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Stares with wide eyes at Plucky Heroine, speaking with a small voice) I’m sorry.

Director: Cut!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What was that?!

Actor: (Still staring) …Improv?

Director: (To Actor) You: stick to the script!  (To everyone else) Everyone else: pick it up from the next-to-last line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Glares back) You bi – (Twitches jaw) You – mmmmmm – (Closes eyes briefly, runs hand through hair, then points at Plucky Heroine) You b-eautiful human being –

Director: CUT!  (Female Lead throws her hands up in the air)

Actor: (To Director) I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this guy would be calling her a nasty name if he truly wants her to stay his girlfriend!  (Looks intensely at Female Lead) I never would.

Female Lead: Dude – the character’s a douche, he doesn’t care about her, he just wants to win!

Actor: Well that’s just mean.

Director: Take it up with the screenwriter – now pick it up from your line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Douchey Boyfriend: You b-----.  (Cringes)

Plucky Heroine: No, you’re the b-----.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Gasps) You take that back!

Plucky Heroine: (Stands and flings the coffee cup away; it lands perfectly in a nearby trash can) Never!  I see now what true love really is, and you’re not it!  (Starts to leave)

Douchey Boyfriend: (Follows her on his knees) No, wait, please come back, I love you!

Female Lead: (Spins around) WHAT?!

Director: WHAT?!  I mean, CUT!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What are you doing?!

Actor: (Looks around the entire room staring back) I might have gotten a little carried away; this scene is so emotional….

Female Actor: Get a grip!

Actor: (To Director) Can we take a break?

Director: Please.  Take five everyone, and somebody get me a massage chair for my pounding headache.

Female Lead: (Helps Actor up from the floor) You need some water or a towel there, buddy?

Actor: (Melting) You’re so kind to me.

Female Lead: Uh-huh.  (Sits them both back on the couch) Look, I know you have a thing for me and I make you nervous –

Actor: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-nooooo....

Female Lead: You nailed this scene in the table read, so just do whatever you did there, here!

Actor: (Staring at the floor) I wasn’t looking at you during the table read.

Female Lead: Aw, that’s so sweet.  (Lowers voice) Look at the wall, look at the boom mic, look at anything that’ll get you through this before next century, got it?!

(Actor nods quickly, still staring at the floor)

Director: (Pushed onto the set while sitting in the massage chair) All right everyone, places!  Action!

(After the movie premiere in a major theater)

Agent: (To Actor) You did great!  If I didn’t know you for reals, I’d’ve thought you were the biggest jerk alive!

Actor: The ultimate compliment in this business.  (They leisurely stroll out of the theater while the main leads answer questions from reporters) Do you think anyone watching tonight noticed my character never once made eye contact with his own girlfriend?

Agent: With the wonders of editing, you can fake anything.

Story 408: Right Seat, Wrong Theater

 (In a large multiplex, Moviegoer 1 starts down the long hallway, popcorn and ticket stub in hand, toward Theater 2.  Outside Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 sees Moviegoer 2 standing in front of an upcoming blockbuster’s poster and reading the fine print, popcorn and ticket stub also in hand.  The latter sees the former approach and turns in recognition)

Moviegoer 2: Oh, hi there!

Moviegoer 1: Hi!  Oh my gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you – how’ve you been?  (They air hug with the popcorn)

Moviegoer 2: Not bad.  This is actually the first time I’m going to the movies in about, umm, two years?

Moviegoer 1: Wow, really?

Moviegoer 2: Well, I never went much anyway, and then with, you know, everything.

Moviegoer 1: Yeah, everything.

Moviegoer 2: Speaking of which, how’re you doing with… everything?

Moviegoer 1: Oh fine, fine – you?

Moviegoer 2: Same: fine.  (They stare at the muted psychedelic carpet for a few moments) So!

Moviegoer 1: Yes?!

Moviegoer 2: Whatcha going to see?

Moviegoer 1: Oh, the new gore-fest slasher, just in time for Halloween: All I Want Is Blood.  (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 2; as they lean in to look, they slowly and unconsciously starting half-circling each other and eventually wind up on opposite sides of where they started)

Moviegoer 2: Nice – I heard that got good reviews.

Moviegoer 1: I know, I can’t wait for the simulated carnage.  You?

Moviegoer 2: (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 1) Life, Love, and All That Rigmarole.  It’s a total rom-com, but I heard it leans heavier on the com than on the rom so I figured I’d give it a shot on bargain night.

Moviegoer 1: (Points to the ticket stub) Hey, neat, we have the same seat!  Number.  (Holds out the ticket stub next to the other to show the seat numbers match)

Moviegoer 2: (Looks at both stubs) Well, whaddya know – fate has made… some kind of move, I don’t know.  Your showtime’s starting soon, it looks like.

Moviegoer 1: (Checks watch) Oh yeah, don’t want to miss the trailers, they’re the best part if the movie’s a dud.

Moviegoer 2: Know the feeling.  Whelp, enjoy the movie – maybe we’ll catch up some more on the way out, but if not, have a good night.

Moviegoer 1: (As both walk backward toward the neighboring theater doors) You, too!  Nice talkin’ to you!  (Turns around to walk into Theater 3)

Moviegoer 2: Same here!  (Turns around to walk into Theater 2, muttering) Why do I never remember people’s names?!

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 plops down in the assigned seat and begins munching on the popcorn while watching the continuous commercials.  When the trailers start, Moviegoer 1 checks watch again and frowns at the time)

Moviegoer 1: Huh: more and more trailer time is being devoted to soda ads, I see.

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 enters the darkened room where the trailers have just started, finds the assigned seat after excusing self down a row of seated moviegoers, flops down, begins munching on the popcorn, checks phone, and frowns at the time)

Moviegoer 2: Weird: guess more and more trailers are being shoved in before the showtime start now.  I’ve been out of the multiplex game too long.

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 starts getting bored with the fluffy-goofy trailers and checks phone for updates)

Moviegoer 1: Hmm, this movie’s already got a sequel planned – wonder if that means anyone survives by the end of this one, heh-heh.

Moviegoer 3: (Seated next to Moviegoer 1) Huh?

Moviegoer 1: Just curious whether anyone in this movie’ll make it out alive.

Moviegoer 3: Oh, ha-ha-ha – I’m pretty sure my heart won’t!

Moviegoer 1: Amateur.  If you don’t have the stomach for this kind of thing, you should’ve stayed home!

Moviegoer 3: I know, you’re right, but I can’t help myself: I love these things, it’s almost a compulsion.

Moviegoer 1: Heh, you and me both.  (Eats half the bag of popcorn)

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 cringes as another gore-fest slasher is previewed)

Moviegoer 2: I guess these are all here `cause Halloween’s coming up?

Moviegoer 4: (Seated next to Moviegoer 2) What’s Halloween got to do with it?

Moviegoer 2: …Nothing, apparently.  (The movie begins with no credits – the action starts with a group of nubile campers getting wiped out by a killer lifeguard disguised as a clown) Ugh!  I guess this is the tragic backstory for our heroes?

Moviegoer 4: (Slurps soda) There are no heroes in these things.

Moviegoer 2: Well, that’s certainly true to life.

(In Theater 3, the movie begins with no credits)

Moviegoer 1: FINALLY!

Other Moviegoers: Ssshhh!!!

(The action starts with the main couple’s meet-cute as cosplaying knights at a Renaissance Fair)

Moviegoer 1: (Whispers while finishing off the popcorn) Nerd alert!  They’re gonna be the first to go.

Moviegoer 3: (Already crying; whispers) Oh, I hope so!

(Thirty minutes into each film’s runtime)

(In Theater 2, another faux-teenager gets eviscerated)

Moviegoer 2: (Laughing hysterically) This is such a trip!  And the social commentary is ON POINT!

Moviegoer 4: (Gives Moviegoer 2 the side eye) What?

Moviegoer 2: I feel like we’re drowning in metaphors among all the blood – I’m just rooting for our so-called “Killer” and our so-called “Target” to stop fighting their feelings and just find a way to live happily ever after!  I know it’s inevitable, but there’re always a few complications thrown in that make you wonder, “Oh no, are they ever going to get together by the end?!”

Moviegoer 4: There’s something wrong with you.

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 is leaning on one hand and stifling a yawn)

Moviegoer 3: (Leans over the armrest) I have a horrible feeling the older cousin’s not going to make it.

Moviegoer 1: I sure hope not!  What’s it gonna take for someone to get offed in this thing?!  (Moviegoer 3 backs off.  In the movie, Older Cousin is found to have passed away peacefully during the night) OK, it’s a start!

Moviegoer 3: There’s something wrong with you.

(At the climax of each film)

Moviegoer 2: Why are they not hooking up yet?!

Moviegoer 1: Why is no one getting slaughtered yet?!

(Both are shushed and thrown popcorn at by their fellow moviegoers)

(The end credits roll around the same time for each movie; Moviegoer 1’s and 2’s eyes widen as all is revealed)

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 3 starts to leave with the crowd)

Moviegoer 3: (To Moviegoer 1) Well, that was the most emotionally satisfying thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Moviegoer 1: That makes one of us.

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 4 starts to leave with the crowd)

Moviegoer 4: (To Moviegoer 2) You know, if serial killer hook-ups are your kink, you might want to stay away from old-school horror films like this.

Moviegoer 2: Half that sentence is absolutely true.

(The crowds pour out of Theaters 2 and 3, with Moviegoer 1 and 2 trailing at the back.  Outside the theaters they spot each other and stop, look up at the movie title sign above their respective theater, then back at each other.  They meet in the middle space between each theater)

Moviegoer 1: Soooooo: fate certainly made a move in making sure no one else had our seat, which would’ve tipped us off before the movie started.

Moviegoer 2: You know, it is an absolute travesty that so few films take the five minutes to show opening credits anymore and insist on going straight into the action instead!

Moviegoer 1: Exactly!  I mean, how else is the audience supposed to know they’re watching the right movie?!