Story 423: Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is on the desk phone while clicking the computer’s mouse frantically and tapping the computer’s keys harshly)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. (Click-click-click-CLICK, tap-tap-TAP-TAP-TAP) But I – no, go ahead…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP) Yeah, but…. I’m trying, but…. Uhhh-huhhh…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP-TAP.  CLICK-CLICK-CLIIIIIICK – ) Oops….  What?  No, sorry, my computer’s acting up, I have to call I.T., you mind if we talk about this later?... Yeah-thanks-bye.  (Disconnects the call, slams the receiver onto the cradle, grabs either side of the computer’s monitor, and slowly leans forward to gently crash into the screen)

Coworker 2: (Peers over the top of the neighboring cubicle wall) Bad day?

Coworker 1: Always.  I think that means the problem is me: it can’t be that everyone in the world has lost their minds, so it must be me, right?

Coworker 2: Probably.  Still, sometimes it helps to just walk away from it all for a little bit.

Coworker 1: (Picks up the phone again) Shyeah, right; first I have to call I.T. to fix the computer I just crashed, and then I have to figure out a way to keep working on the 50 billion simultaneous projects going on here, without a computer, while more “emergency” projects are lining up in the wings waiting to make their entrance stage left, so, no break for me, or anybody, ever.

Coworker 2: (Now leaning on the top of the cubicle wall) Well, the work’ll still be here when you get back, plus there’ll always be more no matter what you do, and it really isn’t that bad if the majority of them are finished late, so you might as well step away from all of it even for a few minutes.  I find it usually clears my head and helps me figure out stuff I thought was unsolvable – changed my life.

Coworker 1: (While on hold) Hmmmmm….

I.T. Automated Attendant: Please continue to hold.  Your call is very – ah, forget it, we’ll get to you when we can get to you, all right?!  (Heavy metal starts playing as the hold music)

Coworker 1: (Raises an eyebrow at the receiver, then hangs up; looks up at Coworker 2) You know what?  I’m going to take your advice and go walk around here for five-ish minutes, right now.  (Stands and walks out of the cubicle) Thanks!

Coworker 2: No problem.  (Lowers back to the desk and resumes writing programs to embezzle company funds)

(Coworker 1 navigates the cubicle maze, a spring in the step emerging as the minutes tick on.  After passing by a certain one, Coworker 3 leans out of the cubicle without getting up from the chair)

Coworker 3: Hey!

Coworker 1: (Hesitates, then turns around) Hm?

Coworker 3: How’s the computer?

Coworker 1: Oh, still waiting for I.T. to fix it.

Coworker 3: (Laughs in disgust) They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Coworker 1: (In a small voice) Not really.

Coworker 3: (Finally stands and walks over to Coworker 1) Listen, continuing our conversation from earlier, you really need to start –

Coworker 1: (Grabs cell phone out of pants pocket and looks at the blank screen) Ah jeez, debt collector’s calling me again – (Holds phone up to ear, one finger out to Coworker 3, and starts walking away) Sorry, gotta take this – (To the phone) Yeah, whaddya want now?... Well, the money’s not gonna magically appear whenever you decide to call me, now is it?

Coworker 3: (Returns to desk, muttering) Weirdo.

(Coworker 1 returns to desk, sighs, and signs back into the computer)

Coworker 1: (After resuming work in a few applications) Wait a minute, this is working just fine now, how’d that even happen?

Coworker 2: (Voice through the wall) It probably needed a break, too.

Coworker 1: Well, your advice worked – I feel much better now and ready to tackle the rest of the day, so thanks again!

Coworker 2: Sure thing.  Least I could do before all is revealed.

Coworker 1: What?

Coworker 2: What?

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is attending a video conference while in the cubicle)

Speaker: (On the computer screen) – and according to our projections, if we continue to somehow keep losing money even while operating at a profit –

Coworker 1: (Picks up the non-ringing desk phone) Hello?  (Mouths to the camera “Gotta take this,” turns the camera off, hangs up the phone, and strolls out of the cubicle, whistling) I could get used to this.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In a conference room)

Manager: Now I’m going to put on the 45-minute video that’ll cover what we’ve been discussing for the last 45 minutes.  (Coworker 4 raises hand) Yes?

Coworker 4: Is it animated?

Manager: No.

Coworker 4: Shucks.

(Manager dims the lights and brings up the video to display on a large screen)

Coworker 1: Ooh, you know what, I forgot my pen and notepad at my desk – buried there somewhere – start without me!  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: (Icy whisper) Find your pen?

Coworker 1: No, so I had to settle for a pencil.

Manager: (Looks down at Coworker 1’s hands) So where is it?  And the pad?!

Coworker 1: (Also looks down at hands) Huh.  Knew I was forgetting something.  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: [Grinds teeth at Coworker 1]

Coworker 1: (Relaxedly settles back in a chair, tossing the notepad and pencil on the table) Aaaah, so, where are we?

Coworker 4: (Leaning on hand) Pretty much the end.

Coworker 1: Yay – I mean, too bad.  Can anyone fill me in?

Coworker 4: Probably not.  (Gestures at the dozing attendees)

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Coworker 1’s cubicle)

Coworker 3: (Standing over the seated Coworker 1) – and you never listen, you just do whatever you want to do because you know better, everybody else here may like you but I know you’re just the worst, and – (Coworker 1 stands up and walks past Coworker 3) Hey, where’re you going?

Coworker 1: Away.  (Takes the elevator to the ground floor and goes sits in the nearby garden that none of the other employees ever visit)

Coworker 3: (Stands in the hallway staring after Coworker 1 long after the latter has left, then notices that Coworker 2, wearing summer clothes and carrying a suitcase, also is watching from around the cubicle corner) Can you believe that one?

Coworker 2: Yes.

Coworker 3: So rude!  No – so unprofessional! 

Coworker 2: …You project a lot of your insecurities onto other people’s motives, you know that?

Coworker 3: (Shifts away to leave) Maybe.

Coworker 1: (In the garden, leans down to sniff a rose and stops) Ooh, a butterfly!  How serene.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) Sit down, please.  (Coworker 1 does so) First of all, you may have heard by now that your cubicle neighbor managed to embezzle millions of dollars from this company by installing a program that pretended to prevent that exact event from occurring.  The irony is lost on no one.

Coworker 1: (In a reverent whisper) They walked away….

Manager: (Pauses) Yeah, that brings me to my next point: seeing as our insurance covers some of the loss but not all of it, and you’ve been demonstrating a very absentee attitude toward your job lately, we decided to recoup some of this debacle by terminating you – and several dozen of your colleagues.

Coworker 1: (Stands abruptly) But it works!  Walking away has solved everything – I’ve never been more productive!

Manager: Yes you have: your work started getting better for a few days, but the more mini-breaks you take the fewer projects I’ve been seeing actually getting done.  This week alone I think you’ve been in that garden out there for more hours than you were at your desk!

Coworker 1: It’s very calming!

Manager: I’m sure it is – go find another one to help you cope in your battle with Unemployment.  (Dismissively waves away Coworker 1 to be escorted by a Security Officer, and prepares to call in Coworker 3 next)

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to the cubicle and is handed a box by the Security Officer to clean out the desk) Wow, I never realized I’d brought so much junk in here.  (Sets down the box and turns to leave the cubicle) This is all a bit overwhelming right now – maybe if I just walked away from it for a little bit –

Security Officer: (Blocks exit) Nothing doing: I want to keep this job. 

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to piling stuff into the box) You know, I still think it was good advice, but I forgot one thing.

Security Officer: What’s that?

Coworker 1: Everything in moderation.

Story 333: The Wish of Unintended Consequences

            (In an office)

            Coworker 1: (Speaking on the desk phone) Wait a minute, you know there’s a grand total of two-and-a-half employees in this department doing the work of three people each; we’re already five years behind on the 50 projects you’ve dumped on us; and now you volunteered us to take on another one?!...  You know, I never realized until now that the human body can survive drowning for years – I’ve heard it’s pleasant if you don’t fight it though, so maybe I should just tell you to go – never mind, I’d like to keep my job and I like you as a person, ignore everything I said up until now, all my best, bye.  (Hangs up the phone and softly bangs head on the desk)

            Coworker 2: (Sitting at the next desk over) That doesn’t sound promising.

         Coworker 1: (Voice muffled by the desk) We have another new project, because we’re just so freaking awesome at what we do, I guess.  (Sits up and stares at the piles of papers flooding the desk) I wish I didn’t care about all this anymore, but I don’t want to be apathetic, either.  I guess what I really wish is that circumstances changed so we can catch up on all this mess.

            Coworker 2: OK.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, but who’m I kidding?  We just have to keep running in place up until the day our heart attacks hit, one by one.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you’ve got it.

            Coworker 1: Got what?

            Coworker 2: Your wish.

        Coworker 1: Ohhhh…kaaayyyy… so, what, you’re my personal genie now or something, heh-heh-heh?

          Coworker 2: If you like.  Sorry I never mentioned it earlier – I have a habit of forgetting about that.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

           Coworker 2: You also never made a real wish until now; one from the heart, that is.  The others were just fluff.

            Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2 for a few moments) What?!

            Coworker 2: I go from place-to-place as I’m needed – and you seemed needy.

            Coworker 1: You’ve been at this office for almost 10 years!

          Coworker 2: Really?  Time sure does fly – I think that means I get an extra week’s vacation this year, sweet.

            Coworker 1: Hold on, are you saying that you can make what I just wished for actually happen?!  Like actually for reals and all that jazz?!

            Coworker 2: Yepperz.  But you’re not gonna like it.

          Coworker 1: I don’t care, do you hear me?!  I am at my wit’s end, everyone here is ready to pull what’s left of their hair out, my nerves are ready to literally explode, we can’t go on like this anymore, change something, anything, please!

            Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

            (Coworker 1 does a long blink and sees that Coworker 2 is gone)

           Coworker 1: (Whips head around, looks underneath the desks, and sits back up, frozen) Did I make them up this whole time?  (Desk phone rings; answers) Accounts Payable, how may I help you?... What do you mean, crisis?...  What?... How many people?... All projects cancelled?.... Well, sure I was going to the conference, you’re the one who told me to…. OK, all of them are cancelled, too…. How long do they have to stay home?... I guess we’ll be OK here, but the customers might…. Oh, they’re home, too…. Most businesses closed too, huh… Um, OK, I’ll wait to hear back from you…. No, I feel fine, how about you?... Yeah, you should probably get that checked out.  And for once in your life, wash your freakin’ hands!... OK, bye, boss.  (Hangs up and stares into space)

            Coworker 2: (Sits back down at the desk) Sorry I had to dash out there for a minute – allergies acting up again – what’d I miss?

            Coworker 1: Ummm, everything’s cancelled.  Everywhere.

            Coworker 2: I see.

          Coworker 1: All our projects are on hold and those of us left here can work on stuff we’re behind on.

            Coworker 2: Indeed.  Happy?

           Coworker 1: Of course I’m not happy!  You could’ve brought us more staff, or made the useless projects disappear, and instead you started a global disaster!

          Coworker 2: And how likely was it that either of the other two scenarios would happen?

           Coworker 1: Not very, but come on!

         Coworker 2: Told you you weren’t going to like it.  I believe your response was, “I don’t care.”

            Coworker 1: But you know what I meant!

           Coworker 2: (Sighs) You wish makers are all alike: I give you exactly what you want, and you still complain.