Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 523: Moving Shortcut

             (In a ground floor apartment)

Tenant: (Stretched out on the living room couch with a laptop and speaking on a cell phone) I know you would like the project done by this afternoon, but I’m about to disillusion you of your unfeasible dream…. Not possible – earliest will be next Tuesday, and that’s being unreasonably optimistic…. (Picks up a drink that was sitting on the floor next to the couch, slurps through the straw, shakes head, and sets the drink back down) This isn’t me being difficult; this is reality asserting its dominance over your fantasy of an automated human workforce…. And I’m sure you can be replaced by A.I. as well, but – (A resounding CRASH! is heard outside the living room window; Tenant jumps in the seat and nearly drops the phone and the laptop) Holy all-the-curse-words-I can-think-of!  (Sets aside the laptop to get off the couch) ….I have no idea!  I’ll have to call you back…. When I have time!... `K boss; bye.  (Ends the call and tosses the phone onto the couch, then peers through the window to see a giant, broken wardrobe sitting on the common lawn in front of that section of apartments) What in the world – ?  (A dining room table CRASH!es next to the wardrobe and splinters apart) A crime!  I’m actually witnessing a crime in progress!  (Several movers approach from the parking lot and start breaking apart the furniture and hauling away the pieces; Tenant opens the window and sticks head out) Hey!  Did a moving truck get sucked up into a tornado and explode overhead?

Mover 1: (Pauses the disassembly) Sorry?

Tenant: What on Earth is going on here?!

Mover 1: Oh, your upstairs neighbor moved away so we’re just cleaning out the place.

Tenant: By cannon?!

Mover 1: Huh?

Tenant: You can’t just fling furniture out the window to get rid of it!

Mover 1: Why not?

Tenant: (Sputters) Be-be-because it’s dangerous!

Mover 1: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.

Mover 2: (Above them on the upstairs neighbor’s balcony) Heads-up!

Mover 1: (Looks up briefly, then back down to Tenant) Excuse me.  (Steps aside along with the other movers as a refrigerator crashes nearby) See?

Tenant: Argh!  (Slams the window shut, runs outside to where the movers are, and looks up to Mover 2 on the balcony above, who is about to toss a piano overboard) HEY!

Mover 2: Oh hey, what’s up?

Tenant: You can’t be throwing furniture off the balcony, you could hurt somebody!

Mover 2: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.  (To the movers below) Heads-up!  (They step aside as Mover 2 hauls up the piano)

Tenant: (Holds up arms) Whoa-whoa-wait-stop!

Mover 2: (Rests the piano on the balcony railing)Yeah, sure, what’s up?

Tenant: No more throwing enormous objects to the ground!  Use the stairs to bring down stuff like a decent human being!

Mover 2: Yeah, we thought of that, but this way’s faster.  (Tips the piano over the railing and it CRASH!es to the ground to the tune of all the notes)

Tenant: (Cringes with arms flung overhead during the crash) What is wrong with you?!

Mover 2: (Stretches arms and back) I think I’m all good, but thanks for asking.  (Goes back inside the apartment)

Tenant: (Nearly hopping with rage) Ooooooohhhhh!!!

Mover 1: (As the others cart away the broken furniture) That was it for us today – we’ll toss the bed and entertainment system tomorrow.

Tenant: No-no-no!  No more tossing!  You could’ve hurt one of my neighbors!  Or me!

Mover 1: Nobody’s been around here for the last half hour, and you were indoors until now.

Tenant: Not the point!  Someone could’ve walked by and been hit by furniture debris – you can’t account for everything!  (Sees the others getting into a truck parked next to the dumpster) And you can’t just leave all that garbage piled next to the dumpster!

Mover 1: Why not?  It’s garbage.  (Leaves as Mover 2 walks by carrying a laundry rack)

Mover 2: (To hyperventilating Tenant) See you tomorrow, yeah?  (Tosses the rack onto the furniture pile and climbs into the truck)

Tenant: (Quivering in helpless fury as the truck drives away) …I’M TELLING!

THE NEXT DAY

(Tenant is working on the laptop again, but instead of being spread out on the couch is seated in a chair keeping watch with binoculars at the living room window when the cell phone rings)

Tenant: (Turns away from the window to answer the call) WHAT?!... No, I haven’t started working on that yet, it’s been raining furniture around here lately and I’m on guard for when the next storm shows up!... Well, not much seems to make sense to you, does it!  (There is a knock at the door) …Great, they probably came back and you made me miss them in action, thanks a lot!... (Stands and walks to the door) …Yes, I know my annual employee evaluation is due this week; I fail to understand its relevance to this conversation.  Speaking of which – (Ends the call, throws the phone onto the couch, and flings opens the door) YES?!

Owner: Hi – I own the unit above yours and got a call from the association that you submitted a complaint about furniture being dropped outside your window?

Tenant: YES?!

Owner: Well, I’d like to apologize on their behalf – I’m taking care of the mess and it won’t happen again.  I heard you were very, very, very upset, and I wanted to smooth everything over so we stay on good terms.

Tenant: (Blinks several times) No worries – lucky for you, I’m a very easygoing person.

Story 503: Can’t Remember What I Forgot to Remember

(In an apartment kitchen, Resident is on the phone while making a sandwich)

Resident: I know I’m in my 40s in a dead-end job with no actual chance of ever finding real meaning in my life, but if I want to spend my days off exactly the same way I did as a kid – lying around reading comic books and playing video games – then I see no reason to alter the formula for my joy if it’s working, don’t you agree?... Well, that’s your life now isn’t it, so stop telling me how to live mine!  (Freezes on seeing a note on the refrigerator that screams “DON’T FORGET!!!”) Listen, something came up, I gotta go…. Yeah, see you at the board meeting at Corporate tomorrow, bye.  (Ends the call, puts the phone on the counter, and gingerly takes the note off the refrigerator to stare at it) Hmmmm…. Wish my past self had thought to add details….

(Several hours later, Resident answers the phone in the bedroom while sitting on the floor, surrounded by a pile of laundry)

Resident: (Flinging clothes around during the conversation) Oh hey, what’s up?...Little busy right now…. Well, you know when you tie a string around your finger so that you’ll remember something but when you see the string you forgot the reason why you tied it in the first place?... I don’t mean you personally, I – forget it: bottom line is, I left a note to myself to remember something and now I forgot what it was I was supposed to remember so I’m trying to retrace my steps from the day I think I wrote it…. No, I just wrote “DON’T FORGET!!!” on it…. Yes, I know also writing the reason on the same piece of paper would’ve been the smart thing to do – would you like to go back in time and tell me that?!... You’d be snippy too if you can’t remember what you forgot to remember!... That sentence is not redundant, good-bye!  (Ends the call and flings the phone into the laundry pile, then stares at the mass blankly) Great – what was I doing?!

(Several hours later, Resident answers a knock on the door after checking the peephole)

Resident: (Looking extremely disheveled) Yes?  How can I help you?

Neighbor: Hi, I actually wanted to check whether you needed help.

Resident: What for?

Neighbor: Well, I keep hearing loud crashes and things being slammed through my ceiling, so I figured I’d come up here and make sure you were OK.

Resident: No you didn’t: you came up here to tell me to knock it off.

Neighbor: True, but the polite version of that.  (Peers around Resident and sees belongings strewn about everywhere) Did one of those recent tornadoes pop in here?

Resident: No, Nosy, I’m having a memory crisis and I’m trying to figure out why I wrote a note to myself to remember something when I didn’t write down what that was so now I’m going through all my stuff until my brain finally wakes up and retrieves the memory it was supposed to hours ago so I can actually enjoy my day off!

Neighbor: Wow.  That’s rough.

Resident: No kidding!

Neighbor: Was your note maybe next to the thing you’re supposed to remember and maybe that’s why you didn’t write it down?

Resident: I – (Clamps jaw shut and looks off to the side in remembrance, then back at Neighbor) Hold on.  (Walks to the refrigerator, locates the now-blank area where the “DON’T FORGET!!!” note had been attached, and see to the right of it a photo of a sunny summer day with an inspirational quote about enjoying life to the fullest plastered all over it.  Resident stares at that for several moments, then slowly walks back to Neighbor) It appears I had thought it necessary to remind myself to enjoy my day off today.

Neighbor: Oh.  Guess this is one of those times where we’re our own worst enemies, eh?

Resident: To put it mildly.  Now I just wish I could forget this ever happened.

Story 476: How Easy It Is to Not Do Something

(On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha doing?

Sibling 2: Oh, not much, just taking the kids to school soon, then gotta get to work for the next eight-and-a-half hours, plus squeeze in food shopping somewhere between the end of my shift and picking the kids up from school, and cooking –

Sibling 1: That’s great; I need your advice on something.

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: I’ve got this huge mess in the apartment that’s really just the smaller messes joining forces into one giant horde, and it’s been hanging over me that I should do something about it, and I don’t know, what do you think?

Sibling 2: …Seriously?!

Sibling 1: It’s really bothering me.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I dunno, maybe just throw everything out at this point.

Sibling 1: Now that’s plain wasteful.  And I might want to keep a few things that’re hiding at the bottom.

Sibling 2: Then just tackle it a bit at a time and go through what you want to keep and want you can get rid of.

Sibling 1: (Whines) But that’ll take forever!

Sibling 2: Fine, you’ve gone this long living with it so keep on not doing anything about it then; the world won’t end.

Sibling 1: Really?  It won’t?

Sibling 2: (Sighs again) Yes, it’ll only actually end as the sun expands into a red giant.  I’m hanging up now.  (Ends the call)

Sibling 1: (Staring into the middle distance) The world won’t end if I don’t do a thing….

(At a department store)

Supervisor (To Sibling 1): Hey – you gonna get around to taking care of the reshelves sometime tonight or what?

Sibling 1: (Was zoned out while leaning against a fixture) Eh?

Supervisor: I said, we’ve got a leaning tower of reshelves – you gonna put those away anytime soon?

Sibling 1: That sounds different from what you said the first time.

Supervisor: And?!

Sibling 1: And I’ll get right on those. 

Supervisor: (Smiles tightly) Thank you.  (Mutters while walking away) Weirdo slacker.

Sibling 1: (Resumes zoning out) Eventually….

(In Sibling 1’s apartment)

Sibling 1: (While opening mail, reads a notice) “Please reply with your donation in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please remit payment for this bill in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please submit your annual tax return in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile, which heaves as it expands once again)

(At a café)

Sibling 2: (Enters in a rush, sees Sibling 2 at a table, and heads over there to sit) Hey, sorry I’m late: had to take the dog to the vet, and then start the turkey and hors d’ouevres and sheet cake for the party tonight –

Sibling 1: Yeah, sounds fun – I picked us up coffee and muffins, but that was a chore, let me tell you.  (Slides over Sibling 2’s drink and dish)

Sibling 2: How’s that?  (Blow vigorously on the coffee and proceeds to down it)

Sibling 1: Well, I took your advice and cut a lot of activity out of my life –

Sibling 2: (Mouth full of muffin) Huh?

Sibling 1: – and I’ve been noticing that the less I’ve been doing, the less I want to do.

Sibling 2: Is this about that garbage-dump mess in your apartment?  `Cause I can help you go through all that stuff if you want.

Sibling 1: (Sighs softly and settles even more into the chair) You’re very generous with your time and talent, but the mess and I have reached an understanding.  No, it’s gone way past that now: I’m just finding it easier and easier not to do things I don’t want to do, and I’m suffering few to zero consequences for it so I’m incrementally doing even more… less, if that’s actually possible.

Sibling 2: (Finishes the muffin) Heh, lucky.

Sibling 1: Don’t rush to envy: as much of a blessing, `tis also a curse.  There are fewer things I want to do now, and I’m choosing more often not to do them.  I’m surprised I even made it here today.

Sibling 2: Oh no, are you suffering from depression?

Sibling 1: No, nothing that legitimate: I’m just incredibly lazy.

Sibling 2: Oh.  Then get over it.

Sibling 1: That would require actual effort on my part, and my current lifestyle is the complete opposite of that.

Sibling 2: (Checks wristwatch, stands, and grabs wallet) Well, this was lovely – I gotta go make sure the kids are done cleaning the house and then finish what they missed, so good luck with your newfound life of leisure, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderfully miserable time.  (Tosses some money on the table) I assume you somehow managed to stir yourself enough to pay the cashier, so here’s my half.  I’m going back to my nonstop life now, byyyeeee!!!  (Takes the coffee cup and dish to deposit them at the garbage area, and leaves in a rush)

Sibling 1: (Stares at the money, coffee, and muffin) But it’s so easy not to do something; no effort at all.

Employee: (Wipes down Sibling 2’s side of the table) Not to hurry you out, but we’ve got a line of people waiting to sit and you’ve been here almost an hour, just saying.  (Moves on to wipe down other occupied tables)

Sibling 1: (Sighs again and gently picks at the mostly-intact muffin) So easy….