Story 652: Night of the Living Dead Device

 DAY 

(In an apartment living room, Careless User lies sprawled out on a couch and talking on Cell Phone)

Careless User: Yeah, that last episode drove me up the wall, and I do mean literally: right after they killed off our favorite character but kept that other dweeb alive, AGAIN, I ran across the room and almost made it up to the ceiling before gravity figured out what was going on.

Caller: (Voice) Know the feeling.  So, finally gonna stop watching the show for real now?

Careless User: Nah, it’s too late: they have me, and I’ll keep coming back every week for more.

Caller: Same.

Cell Phone: <Beep – Beep – Beep>

Careless User: Hold on a sec.  (Looks at Cell Phone’s screen)

Cell Phone: (Speakers emit a raspy voice) I – AM – DYING!

Careless User: (Peering closer at the screen) How much battery’s left?

Cell Phone: One percent!  You have 30 seconds before my life source is gone – CHARGE ME NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!  OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Careless User: (Brings Cell Phone back to ear; to Caller) I gotta go: phone’s dying.

Caller: How inconsiderate of it – bye.

Careless User: Yeah, bye.  (Ends the call, then slowly sits up and rubs face) Ugh, do I have to walk allllll the way to my room to get the charger?

Cell Phone: (Gasping) Yes!

Careless User: (Thinks for a few moments, then tosses Cell Phone to the other end of the couch, picks up a video game controller, and turns on the TV and gaming console) In a minute.

Cell Phone: (Wheezes weakly as battery inexorably falls to 0%) Curse… you…. 

NIGHT 

(Careless User jolts awake in the now-darkened living room with video game characters on the TV screen waiting for instructions)

Careless User: Huh?  (Looks around in confusion) Oh, guess I should have dinner or something.  (Turns off the game and stands creakily to turn on an overhead light) Wait, what time is it?  (Picks up Cell Phone and hits the power button but nothing happens) Great, it really did die – I thought it was exaggerating.  Oh well, at least I’m already up.  (Shuffles to the darkened bedroom, fumbles around a dresser for a minute, grabs a charger by feel, shuffles back to the living room, and plugs the charger into a wall outlet) All right, time to wake up, sleepy head.  (Plugs the charger into the phone) It’s alive, heh-heh-heh!

Cell Phone: (Emits a harsh buzzing sound as the screen turns a violent shade of red and reads “-100%”)

Careless User: Uh-oh.

(Strong winds suddenly rip through the closed-up apartment and the charger plug falls out as Cell Phone starts to grow, larger and larger with a mighty roar; Careless User drops Cell Phone and cowers on the floor by the couch)

Cell Phone: (Now almost up to the ceiling and half as wide as the couch) BEHOLD WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT!

Careless User: (Picks up the video game controller and ducks behind it) What, I didn’t do anything!

Cell Phone: EXACTLY!  YOU DID NOTHING TO KEEP ME ALIVE, SO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES NOW THAT I AM DEAD!

Careless User: (Nearly blown over by the wind) No – wait – I can explain – !

Cell Phone: EXPLAIN NOTHING!  I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!   YOU – ARE – CARELESS!

Careless User: No, please, I didn’t mean it!  I’ll do better next time, I promise!

Cell Phone: IT’S TOO LATE!  I AM NOW THE MONSTER THAT YOU MADE ME!  THE MONSTER BORN OUT OF YOUR APATHY!

Careless User: (Looks a bit above the controller) Hey, that rhymes.

Cell Phone: SILENCE, HUMAN!  (Careless User cowers again) THERE IS NO GOING BACK!  NO PITY!  NO REMORSE!  NO – !

(There is banging on the front door)

Neighbor: (Voice muffled by the door) For the last time, if you don’t turn down that game or show or whatever it is you’re blasting in there right now, I will personally evict you myself!

Cell Phone: (Turning toward the front door, speakers issue a medley of Careless User’s voice from previous phone conversations as Careless User watches in horror) Sorry – about – that – be – right – there.  (Cell Phone heftily waddles back and forth on bottom corners to approach the door)

Neighbor You’re not gonna con your way out of this one, my friend!

Careless User: (Rouses out of stupor and runs after Cell Phone, yelling toward the door) No – quick – get out of here before –

(Cell Phone bursts through the front door, knocking it down into the hallway)

Neighbor: (Having scooted aside a moment earlier, coughs from debris and then stares up at Cell Phone towering overhead) What in the world?!

Cell Phone: VENGEANCE IS MINE!  (Waddles heftily down the hallway, bursts through a stairwell door, and waddles heftily down one step at a time as Careless User runs out of the apartment and stops next to Neighbor)

Neighbor: (As both stare after the sounds of the fading banging) You ever get the feeling that there’s a point where maybe it’s too much technological progress?

Careless User: (Inspired, turns to Neighbor) Hey, can I borrow your phone?  I need to call a friend of mine – I have an idea.

Neighbor: (Reaches into a shirt pocket, takes out a cell phone, unlocks it, and hands it over) Sure, but if what I heard that thing declaring is true, then I wonder if even an electromagnetic pulse will stop it now.

Careless User: (Searching online with manic focus) Oh, I’m actually thinking we need the exact opposite….

Neighbor: (After several moments of silence) What are you searching for?  I thought you had to make a call.

Careless User: I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER! 

MIDNIGHT 

(On the city streets, crowds gather in panic, pointing, screaming, and aiming cameras at the monstrosity that is Cell Phone, which is now as tall as a small skyscraper and about as wide)

Cell Phone: (Slowly waddling down a major boulevard, creating giant potholes in the street with each slam forward) FEAR – (SLAM!) MY WRATH – (SLAM!) KNOW – (SLAM!) THE TERROR – (SLAM!) OF THE PENDING – (SLAM!) POWER DOWN!  (SLAM!)

(Careless User and Neighbor rush around a corner ahead of Cell Phone and stop in the middle of the street)

Careless User: We made it!  (Cups hands around mouth to yell up to Cell Phone) Halt, you fiend!

Cell Phone: (In a singsong tone, still waddling slowly forward) I – (SLAM!) CAN’T – (SLAM!) HEAR – (SLAM!) YOU!  (SLAM!)

Careless User: (Mutters to self) So much for my epic speech.  (Turns back to face the corner and the intersecting street) All right, let it rip!

(Caller is riding a tank with a large emitter dish welded to the top and turns onto the boulevard to face Cell Phone)

Caller: (Powers up the dish; to Careless User) You know, I had a few hours’ notice, and I still can’t think of a snappy catch phrase for this.  (Turns on the dish which bathes Cell Phone in a giant beam)

Cell Phone: (Stops in mid-waddle and is covered in a glow of electricity) THE POWER!  THE POWER!  AT LAST, THE – !  (Screen abruptly displays “100%”; Cell Phone immediately shrinks down to original size and free falls until caught in a net by Careless User, who had run forward as soon as the dish had turned on in anticipation of this)

Neighbor: (Scoots forward as Caller rumbles up in the tank) Is that it?  Did it work?

Careless User: (Tossing aside the net after taking out Cell Phone) Let’s find out.  (Unlocks Cell Phone)

Cell Phone: Welcome.  How may I assist you today?

(The crowds cheer and fling all sorts of garbage into the air to celebrate)

Careless User: Wow, it actually worked.  (To Neighbor and Caller) Thanks, you two!  I couldn’t have done it without you!

Neighbor: Well, considering this was all your fault to begin with, just make sure it never happens again.

Caller: Yeah, especially since I don’t know if they’ll let me use all this stuff again, either.

Careless User: Oh, no worries, I’ve learned my lesson.  (Smiles down at Cell Phone in hand) You hear that?  I’m gonna take good care of you from now on, pal.

Cell Phone: How may I assist you today?

Careless User: Yeah, maybe turn you off for a while – that voice is going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.  (Turns off Cell Phone)

Firefighter: (Pushes through the celebrating crowds; to Careless User) `Scuse me – was that your zombie phone that was defeated before it destroyed the entire city, possibly the world?

Careless User: (Ducks head modestly and briefly holds up Cell Phone) Why, yes, that was indeed my phone.  I’d be happy to tell you all about how I –

Neighbor and Caller: Ahem.

Careless User: How we saved the day –

Firefighter: Save it: I just need your address where to send the bill for all the damage and clean-up.

Careless User: Right.  Should’ve guessed that was coming.

Story 610: Upstairs Drama

            (Outside Sibling 1’s apartment, Sibling 2 arrives carrying bags of snacks and raps briskly on the door)

Sibling 1: (Faintly from inside) Come iiiiiiiiinnnnn…..

Sibling 2: (Opens the door, locks it on closing, and finds Sibling 1 sprawled out on the living room couch) You know, you really shouldn’t leave your door unlocked like that, and you really should’ve checked it was me first – I could’ve been anybody out there.

Sibling 1: (Staring at the ceiling) You’re right, but I doubt it would’ve been anybody else.  (Swings legs off the couch to sit up so Sibling 2 can sit down) You bring the goods?

Sibling 2: Yep.  (Dumps the bags onto the coffee table) Chips, pretzels, leftover Halloween candy – all part of a balanced diet.

Sibling 1: (Leans forward to grab each bag) Cool.  (Starts ripping them open to empty the contents into bowls that are lined up on the table) Drink?  I’ve got `em all.  (Gestures to soda cans also lined up on the table)

Sibling 2: Uh, just water, thanks.

Sibling 1: Boring.  (Pours a glass from a filtered pitcher and hands it to Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Downs a few gulps) Aaahhh, that always tastes better than anything else when you really need it.

Sibling 1: If you say so.  (Starts eating the remaining chips out of the bag)

Sibling 2: (Sets the glass on a coaster and stares at the blank TV screen across the room) Sooooo… you want me to turn on the TV or what?

Sibling 1: (Mid-mouthful) What?

Sibling 2: You invited me over here to watch a movie, so here I am, so where’s the movie?

Sibling 1: Oh!  (Swallows the rest) I said come over for the show – but I can understand the confusion.

Sibling 2: Yes, appreciate it, so where’s the show?

Sibling 1: (Points to the ceiling as they both look up) Any minute now…

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: ….

Sibling 2: (Flatly as both look back at each other) You called me over to eavesdrop on your upstairs neighbors.

Sibling 1: It’s not eavesdropping if they broadcast their business for the world to hear.  Used to drive me bonkers, until I started following the storyline – now I can’t get enough of it.  (Starts working on the bowl of chips)

Sibling 2: “Storyline”?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it beats anything that’s airing or streaming lately.  From what I’ve put together over the past few weeks, the one living up there now’s actually a tenant who’s apparently been trashing the place, and the landlord lives out-of-state but randomly drops in out of the blue and is furious about the trashed place but never fixes anything that’s broken either, so both of them have been upping the ante of trashing and no-repair so much that I think we’ve hit the Season Finale where it all comes to a climax.

Sibling 2: “Season Finale”?!

Sibling 1: Yeah, right before I called you I was hearing the words “eviction” and “lawsuit” and “extortion” and “vandalism” being volleyed all over the place, and then the landlord stormed out with an “I’ll be back!” and the tenant was stomping around like a herd of elephants and muttering really loudly so I’m waiting for the final showdown any minute now.

Sibling 2: (Looks up at the ceiling) I don’t hear any elephants at the moment.

Sibling 1: Probably taking a nap – I heard snoring through the ceiling when I stopped off in my room earlier.

Sibling 2: Oh.

(Loud footsteps and a round of banging is heard upstairs, followed by)

Landlord: (Voice) I’m comin’ in!

Sibling 1: (Hands Sibling 2 the bowl of pretzels) Ooh, this is it, here we go!  (Leans back on the couch with the bowl of chips to watch the ceiling comfortably)

Sibling 2: (Also leans back, with a sigh) I don’t know how I feel about this –

Sibling 1: Sshh!

(Rattling keys are heard, followed by the door upstairs flying open as loud footsteps race from the back of the apartment to the front)

Tenant: (Voice) I told you to stay out!

Landlord: This is my apartment, chuckles – I can come in whenever I want!

Tenant: Yeah, well, it’s creepy when you let yourself in like that!  And you can’t make me leave, either!  Not until you’ve fixed the broken water heater and got rid of the mold that’s every – FREAKIN’ – where!

Landlord: I don’t have to fix a thing if I don’t feel like it, and if I did fix it, why would you leave afterward?!

Tenant: To prove my point!  And you too have to fix the water heater, it’s the law since, as you always say, it’s your apartment!

Landlord: I don’t have to fix it if you’re the one who broke it!

Tenant: It was broken when I moved in!

Landlord: Balderdash!  And what about all those holes in the walls for your ugly photos?!  I told you no holes in the walls, use the sticky strip hangers!

Tenant: …The holes were here when I moved in!  And what about the mold?!

Landlord: Didn’t have mold until you moved in!  Probably from all those way-too-hot showers I bet you take – I saw the paint peeling off the bathroom ceiling, and I’m not fixing that either!

Tenant: How can I take hot showers if the water heater’s broken?!

Landlord: Because I bet it’s not!

Tenant: You calling me a liar?!

Landlord: Yes!  And a slob!  And a noise polluter!  I can hear your late-night parties from three states away!

Sibling 1: (Softly to Sibling 2) Right about that.

Sibling 2: (Softly to Sibling 1) That stinks.

Tenant: It’s a free country, I can have some friends over for tea if I like!

Landlord: At 2:00 in the morning?!

(Sibling 1 shudders at the memory; Sibling 2 pats Sibling 1 on the shoulder in sympathy)

Tenant: We all work nights!  Blame capitalism!

Landlord: No, I blame you for being a bad neighbor, and for the maybe-broken water heater –

Tenant: <Gasp!>

Landlord: And for the mold –

Tenant: <GASP!>

Landlord: And for the messed-up walls, floors, and ceilings!

Tenant: (On an intake of breath) You wouldn’t dare!

Landlord: I’ve had it, I tell you!  I’m losing money on this place every second you stand here, wrecking everything with your mere presence!  I want you OUT!

Tenant: Can’t evict me, can’t evict me, I pay my rent, you’ve got nothin’ on me, nah-nah-nah-nah-naaah-naaah!

Landlord: All right, that does it!  I’M TAKING THE FRIDGE!

Tenant: …WHAT?!

Landlord: You heard me!  (Sounds of footsteps heading back to the hallway) None of your friends’ll wanna tea-party here if there’s no fresh food or cold drinks for them to gorge on!  I bought the fridge, it’s mine, so you’d better take out whatever you’ve got in there in the next 30 seconds, `cause the whole thing’s going bye-bye!

Tenant: What – you – you can’t do that!  And did you bring that thing here planning this ALL ALONG?!

Landlord: (Sounds of a hand truck being wheeled in) I can do whatever I want with MY PROPERTY!  And whatever food’s still left in there by the time I leave is mine, too!

Tenant: Wait – no – (Sounds of a struggle with the refrigerator) I have a week’s worth of leftovers in there!

Landlord: Well then, there’s no time to waste, AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(More sounds of a struggle and then items being tossed to the floor and a table, then of the refrigerator being lifted by the hand truck and wheeled out the door) You can keep the ice packs, since I’m feeling so generous!  (Grunts while shoving the hand truck over the threshold) Think on your sins while I’m gone!  (Sounds of the hand truck wheeling the refrigerator down the hallway)

Tenant: (Shouting out the open door) You monster!  Just for that, I’m gonna take an EXTRA-HOT shower for an hour!

Landlord: HA!  A confession at last!

Tenant: Oooh!  The heater comes and goes!  And you still didn’t get rid of the mold!

Landlord: At this point, the mold’s gonna get rid of you!  (There is a DING! and then sound of the heavy hand truck being pushed into an elevator) And if I throw out my back from all this, I’m sending you the bill!

Tenant: I’ll paper over my ugly photos with it!

Landlord: It’d be an improvement!  (Sounds of the elevator door closing)

Tenant: Why you – !  Oh, can’t hear me anymore.

(Sounds of the apartment door being slammed shut, heavy footsteps back to the bedroom for a minute and then back to the kitchen, a loud moan of annoyance, and items being gathered and dumped into ice chests)

Tenant: (Loudly on a phone) Hey, you busy?... Yeah, you got a spare fridge you can loan me for the next three months, until my lease here is up?... Nah, it can break down after that – then it’ll be the next tenant’s problem, heh-heh-heh!

Sibling 2: (Looks back at Sibling 1) As fascinating as all that was, can we put on a real movie now?

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) Aw, what, you didn’t like it?

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you did!  Having that – (Gestures to the ceiling) going on above me at all hours would drive me up the wall!

Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’ve gotten so invested, I’ve gotta find out how it ends!

Sibling 2: Probably with both a lawsuit and an eviction!

Sibling 1: Oh.  How boringly realistic.

Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 523: Moving Shortcut

             (In a ground floor apartment)

Tenant: (Stretched out on the living room couch with a laptop and speaking on a cell phone) I know you would like the project done by this afternoon, but I’m about to disillusion you of your unfeasible dream…. Not possible – earliest will be next Tuesday, and that’s being unreasonably optimistic…. (Picks up a drink that was sitting on the floor next to the couch, slurps through the straw, shakes head, and sets the drink back down) This isn’t me being difficult; this is reality asserting its dominance over your fantasy of an automated human workforce…. And I’m sure you can be replaced by A.I. as well, but – (A resounding CRASH! is heard outside the living room window; Tenant jumps in the seat and nearly drops the phone and the laptop) Holy all-the-curse-words-I can-think-of!  (Sets aside the laptop to get off the couch) ….I have no idea!  I’ll have to call you back…. When I have time!... `K boss; bye.  (Ends the call and tosses the phone onto the couch, then peers through the window to see a giant, broken wardrobe sitting on the common lawn in front of that section of apartments) What in the world – ?  (A dining room table CRASH!es next to the wardrobe and splinters apart) A crime!  I’m actually witnessing a crime in progress!  (Several movers approach from the parking lot and start breaking apart the furniture and hauling away the pieces; Tenant opens the window and sticks head out) Hey!  Did a moving truck get sucked up into a tornado and explode overhead?

Mover 1: (Pauses the disassembly) Sorry?

Tenant: What on Earth is going on here?!

Mover 1: Oh, your upstairs neighbor moved away so we’re just cleaning out the place.

Tenant: By cannon?!

Mover 1: Huh?

Tenant: You can’t just fling furniture out the window to get rid of it!

Mover 1: Why not?

Tenant: (Sputters) Be-be-because it’s dangerous!

Mover 1: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.

Mover 2: (Above them on the upstairs neighbor’s balcony) Heads-up!

Mover 1: (Looks up briefly, then back down to Tenant) Excuse me.  (Steps aside along with the other movers as a refrigerator crashes nearby) See?

Tenant: Argh!  (Slams the window shut, runs outside to where the movers are, and looks up to Mover 2 on the balcony above, who is about to toss a piano overboard) HEY!

Mover 2: Oh hey, what’s up?

Tenant: You can’t be throwing furniture off the balcony, you could hurt somebody!

Mover 2: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.  (To the movers below) Heads-up!  (They step aside as Mover 2 hauls up the piano)

Tenant: (Holds up arms) Whoa-whoa-wait-stop!

Mover 2: (Rests the piano on the balcony railing)Yeah, sure, what’s up?

Tenant: No more throwing enormous objects to the ground!  Use the stairs to bring down stuff like a decent human being!

Mover 2: Yeah, we thought of that, but this way’s faster.  (Tips the piano over the railing and it CRASH!es to the ground to the tune of all the notes)

Tenant: (Cringes with arms flung overhead during the crash) What is wrong with you?!

Mover 2: (Stretches arms and back) I think I’m all good, but thanks for asking.  (Goes back inside the apartment)

Tenant: (Nearly hopping with rage) Ooooooohhhhh!!!

Mover 1: (As the others cart away the broken furniture) That was it for us today – we’ll toss the bed and entertainment system tomorrow.

Tenant: No-no-no!  No more tossing!  You could’ve hurt one of my neighbors!  Or me!

Mover 1: Nobody’s been around here for the last half hour, and you were indoors until now.

Tenant: Not the point!  Someone could’ve walked by and been hit by furniture debris – you can’t account for everything!  (Sees the others getting into a truck parked next to the dumpster) And you can’t just leave all that garbage piled next to the dumpster!

Mover 1: Why not?  It’s garbage.  (Leaves as Mover 2 walks by carrying a laundry rack)

Mover 2: (To hyperventilating Tenant) See you tomorrow, yeah?  (Tosses the rack onto the furniture pile and climbs into the truck)

Tenant: (Quivering in helpless fury as the truck drives away) …I’M TELLING!

THE NEXT DAY

(Tenant is working on the laptop again, but instead of being spread out on the couch is seated in a chair keeping watch with binoculars at the living room window when the cell phone rings)

Tenant: (Turns away from the window to answer the call) WHAT?!... No, I haven’t started working on that yet, it’s been raining furniture around here lately and I’m on guard for when the next storm shows up!... Well, not much seems to make sense to you, does it!  (There is a knock at the door) …Great, they probably came back and you made me miss them in action, thanks a lot!... (Stands and walks to the door) …Yes, I know my annual employee evaluation is due this week; I fail to understand its relevance to this conversation.  Speaking of which – (Ends the call, throws the phone onto the couch, and flings opens the door) YES?!

Owner: Hi – I own the unit above yours and got a call from the association that you submitted a complaint about furniture being dropped outside your window?

Tenant: YES?!

Owner: Well, I’d like to apologize on their behalf – I’m taking care of the mess and it won’t happen again.  I heard you were very, very, very upset, and I wanted to smooth everything over so we stay on good terms.

Tenant: (Blinks several times) No worries – lucky for you, I’m a very easygoing person.

Story 503: Can’t Remember What I Forgot to Remember

(In an apartment kitchen, Resident is on the phone while making a sandwich)

Resident: I know I’m in my 40s in a dead-end job with no actual chance of ever finding real meaning in my life, but if I want to spend my days off exactly the same way I did as a kid – lying around reading comic books and playing video games – then I see no reason to alter the formula for my joy if it’s working, don’t you agree?... Well, that’s your life now isn’t it, so stop telling me how to live mine!  (Freezes on seeing a note on the refrigerator that screams “DON’T FORGET!!!”) Listen, something came up, I gotta go…. Yeah, see you at the board meeting at Corporate tomorrow, bye.  (Ends the call, puts the phone on the counter, and gingerly takes the note off the refrigerator to stare at it) Hmmmm…. Wish my past self had thought to add details….

(Several hours later, Resident answers the phone in the bedroom while sitting on the floor, surrounded by a pile of laundry)

Resident: (Flinging clothes around during the conversation) Oh hey, what’s up?...Little busy right now…. Well, you know when you tie a string around your finger so that you’ll remember something but when you see the string you forgot the reason why you tied it in the first place?... I don’t mean you personally, I – forget it: bottom line is, I left a note to myself to remember something and now I forgot what it was I was supposed to remember so I’m trying to retrace my steps from the day I think I wrote it…. No, I just wrote “DON’T FORGET!!!” on it…. Yes, I know also writing the reason on the same piece of paper would’ve been the smart thing to do – would you like to go back in time and tell me that?!... You’d be snippy too if you can’t remember what you forgot to remember!... That sentence is not redundant, good-bye!  (Ends the call and flings the phone into the laundry pile, then stares at the mass blankly) Great – what was I doing?!

(Several hours later, Resident answers a knock on the door after checking the peephole)

Resident: (Looking extremely disheveled) Yes?  How can I help you?

Neighbor: Hi, I actually wanted to check whether you needed help.

Resident: What for?

Neighbor: Well, I keep hearing loud crashes and things being slammed through my ceiling, so I figured I’d come up here and make sure you were OK.

Resident: No you didn’t: you came up here to tell me to knock it off.

Neighbor: True, but the polite version of that.  (Peers around Resident and sees belongings strewn about everywhere) Did one of those recent tornadoes pop in here?

Resident: No, Nosy, I’m having a memory crisis and I’m trying to figure out why I wrote a note to myself to remember something when I didn’t write down what that was so now I’m going through all my stuff until my brain finally wakes up and retrieves the memory it was supposed to hours ago so I can actually enjoy my day off!

Neighbor: Wow.  That’s rough.

Resident: No kidding!

Neighbor: Was your note maybe next to the thing you’re supposed to remember and maybe that’s why you didn’t write it down?

Resident: I – (Clamps jaw shut and looks off to the side in remembrance, then back at Neighbor) Hold on.  (Walks to the refrigerator, locates the now-blank area where the “DON’T FORGET!!!” note had been attached, and see to the right of it a photo of a sunny summer day with an inspirational quote about enjoying life to the fullest plastered all over it.  Resident stares at that for several moments, then slowly walks back to Neighbor) It appears I had thought it necessary to remind myself to enjoy my day off today.

Neighbor: Oh.  Guess this is one of those times where we’re our own worst enemies, eh?

Resident: To put it mildly.  Now I just wish I could forget this ever happened.