(In an apartment)
Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work! (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)
DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –
DJ 2: Just stop.
Resident: (Slaps
the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes,
Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds
hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)
HOURS LATER
Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?! The day is gone, all gone! (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is? I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me. (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!! [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?! (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off. (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)
Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –
Resident:
(Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered. Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a
little. (After a few minutes of struggling
with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep
breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh. (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back
slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature
finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it! (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of
business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a
good time to try this new one – I hope….
LESS THAN AN HOUR
LATER
(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)
Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?
Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead. (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.
Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather. (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa. On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided. (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)
Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.
Tech: (Looks up) Interesting. You got a step ladder I can borrow? If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.
Resident: Oh no, you can use this. (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)
Tech: Handy. (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.
Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?
Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.
Resident: I should think not! I bathe every day!
Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.
Resident: Oh. You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?
Tech: No! I think the smell’s coming from another unit.
Resident: Really? That’s a relief. So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?
Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much. How well do you know your neighbors?
Resident: …Define “know”.
Tech: Are you on good terms with them?
Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…
Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?
Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?
Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –
Resident: NO!
(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)
Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?
Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –
Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.
Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !
Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?
Neighbor: No. (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)
Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?
Neighbor: Yes.
Resident: Great, thanks! (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)
Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?
Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.
Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.
Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.
Tech: No, I’m a specialist.
Neighbor: In what?
Tech: Weird things.
Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away. (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.
Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.
Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine! (Slams the door in their faces)
Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?
Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?
Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?
(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)
Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot. (Bangs on the door)
Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?
Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?
Resident: Probably not.
Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?
Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.
Tech: Really?
Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.
Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?
Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?
Tech: We need to open the door.
Resident: Oh. Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.
Tech: Right: desperate times. (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)
Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.
(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)
Resident and Tech: Whoa!
Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades! You only just now started smelling something?!
Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.
Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.
Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?
Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes! You live here, you found this, you have to report it! You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!
Resident: …Welllll, technically….
Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!
Resident: But you’re not an awful person.
Tech: (Sighs) No. (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?
Resident: Sweet. (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.
Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.
Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.
Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….
