Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 294: Thank You for Interrupting

(In an office cubicle, Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are seated at a desk and staring at the phone)

Co-Worker 1: I think you should call them.

Co-Worker 2: Me?  Why would you even think that’s a good idea?

Co-Worker 1: `Cause you have better telephone etiquette than I do.

Co-Worker 2: Ha!  You just don’t want to do it.

Co-Worker 1: That’s part of it.

Co-Worker 2: You’re the head of the project here; you should do it.

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but I hate calling angry people who’re just going to get angrier with what I tell them.

Co-Worker 2: I guess, but you’re only reminding them to do their job so you’re, you know, in the right and all.

Co-Worker 1: Being right doesn’t matter if the person who’s wrong steamrolls all over you, several times.  Every single conversation I’ve had with them, they immediately start getting all “You’re not making any sense!” and “How dare you?!” and “Who do you think you are?!”, and most of the time I’m just asking for a status update.

Co-Worker 2: That behavior is all the typical signs of a slacker who just got caught.

Co-Worker 1: Oh definitely, but try telling that to my brain and nervous system during one of these bouts: about halfway through the call I suddenly start getting the shakes and I keep swallowing mid-sentence for no reason.  And it shows up in my voice so they can hear my agita over the phone and ramp up the attack another 10 notches!  I barely get to hang up with any of my dignity left.  (Stares at Co-Worker 2) I think you should call them.

Co-Worker 2: Not this again; and how’s that going to look if I call for you?

Co-Worker 1: Just say I’m out sick and all abuse will have to be deferred to another day or sent by e-mail – ooh, yes, tell them to send all abuse by e-mail and then we can really nail `em!

Co-Worker 2: (Pushes the phone over to Co-Worker 1) Just do it and be done with it; we can go to the breakroom afterwards and grab some candy, would that make you feel better, hm?

Co-Worker 1: No.  Having that after this will only make the candy taste worse.  (Picks up the receiver and slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)

Co-Worker 2: There, there; it’ll all be over soon.

(Co-Worker 3 sticks head into the cubicle)

Co-Worker 3: Excuse me, but – oh sorry, you’re on the phone.

Co-Worker 1: (Slams down the receiver and leaps out of the chair, knocking it over) Not at all!  What can we do for you?

Co-Worker 3: Uh, I just wanted to see if you could help me generate a report on the database, but I can come back later.

Co-Worker 1: (Grabs Co-Worker 3’s elbow and rushes both of them out of the cubicle) Nope-nope-nope-nope, we are doing this now, I will brook no arguments!

Co-Worker 2: (Still seated in the chair) Don’t worry about me; I’ll be right here.

(One hour later)

Co-Worker 1: (Chuckling to self while re-entering the cubicle, holding a cup of coffee, and sitting back on the now-upright chair.  Turns to Co-Worker 2) So, what’d I miss?

Co-Worker 2: I finished our semi-annual report.

Co-Worker 1: Oh, splendid, splendid.  And… any word on our… you know… other… issue?

Co-Worker 2: I didn’t call them, if that’s what you mean.

Co-Worker 1: Gaaah!  (Splashes coffee as the cup is slammed onto the desk)  Sorry.  Why not?

Co-Worker 2: Getting verbally slapped repeatedly is neither in my pay grade nor job description.

Co-Worker 1: It’s not in anyone’s job description, and yet here we all are.  (Stares at the phone, then begins to whine and squirm again)

Co-Worker 2: (Picks up the receiver) Would you like me to dial for you?

Co-Worker 1: I’ve got it!  Thanks.  (Slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)

(Co-Worker 3 sticks head into the cubicle)

Co-Worker 3: Hi, sorry to bother you again – oh sorry, you’re on the phone again –

Co-Worker 1: (Rips the phone out of the wall and throws it into the garbage can) Absolutely not!  What can we do for you?

Co-Worker 2: (In a low voice) Coward.

Co-Worker 1: (In a low voice) Dodger.

Co-Worker 3: Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d heard yet, but that jerk you’ve been dealing with on the software project?

Co-Worker 1: (Guilelessly) I don’t know who you mean.

Co-Worker 3: The one who reams everybody out for no reason and does zero work?

Co-Worker 1: Oh, I suppose.

Co-Worker 3: Well, they totally got fired just now.

Co-Workers 1 and 2: (Simultaneously stand) WHAT???

Co-Worker 3: Yeah, they started pulling their garbage thinking they were calling an administrative assistant, when actually it was a VP who picked up.

Co-Worker 2: No way!

Co-Worker 3: Oh yeah.  VP let them rant a bit, then dropped the bombshell, dropped the mic, and dropped the call to e-mail the jerk’s boss.  I wish I had been there, it sounded beautiful.

Co-Worker 1: Wow.

Co-Worker 3: I know, right?  Whelp, figured you guys would especially appreciate that – I’m going to continue spreading the cheer around the office.  (Leaves)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 slowly sink into their chairs)

Co-Worker 1: Wow, wow, wow.

Co-Worker 2: D’accord.

Co-Worker 1: And I almost called them earlier.  And would’ve had to go through all that again, and it would’ve turned out to be for nothing.

Co-Worker 2: Thank goodness for interruptions, right?

Co-Worker 1: I’ll say.  Although – what do we do with the project now?  They were our only contact at that company, and it’ll probably take months until there’s a replacement.

Co-Worker 2: I think we can finally get some work done.