Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 327: A Bit Washed Out

            (Friend 2 walks down the hallway to Friend 1’s apartment, looking down and stepping around large puddles of water along the way.  Friend 2 knocks on the apartment door and Friend 1 opens it after a minute)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Ready to go?

            Friend 2: Only if you are – you got a leak or something?

          Friend 1: Huh?  (Friend 2 steps aside and gestures to the lakes scattered along the hallway; Friend 1’s eyes widen) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: So I guess this isn’t from you, then.

          Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s not from me!  Unless – (Runs back into the apartment, a lot of banging and crashes are heard, then runs back to the front door) Nope, it isn’t from me.

            Friend 2: Do you think it’s coming from one of your neighbors?

           Friend 1: (Walks up and down the hallway, peering closely at the lakes) I don’t think so: they seem to be springing up all over.  (Freezes around the hallway’s midpoint) Hang on – you hear that?

            Friend 2: (Tilts head) No – what?

           Friend 1: (Places an ear against the wall on the same side of the hallway as the apartment, then grinds teeth) Niagara Falls.

            Friend 2: (Also places an ear against the wall) Oh wow, it sounds like a pipe burst in there – how old is this building?

            Friend 1: Literally centuries.  (Takes phone out of jeans pocket and makes a call) Hi, this is the tenant from Apartment 5B, there’s water absolutely all over the corridor here, you might want to have it taken care of before the entire building implodes, hope you’re enjoying the Galápagos, bye!  (Disconnects the call and sticks the phone back into pocket)

            Friend 2: Wait, the landlord’s on vacation and didn’t leave anyone in charge?

            Friend 1: Yeah, why?

            Friend 2: In case something like this happens!

            Friend 1: All I know is, I’m not responsible for anything in this entire building, and that’s how I like it.

           Friend 2: I guess, but in the meantime your apartment might get flooded or the walls and floors could all rot out, collapsing the entire place and then you’d be homeless for who-knows-how-long until your landlord gets their act together from the Galápagos to fix it!  Plus everyone else who lives here would be homeless too, just as a side note.

            Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) You make an excellent point.  (Walks past Friend 2 into the apartment, then after another few moments walks back out to the hallway, faces the wall where the water was heard, and begins to slam it with a sledgehammer)

            Friend 2: (Shielding head as debris flies by) Whoa!  Wait a second, what are you doing?!

            Friend 1: Taking matters into my own hands.  (Slam)

            Friend 2: I meant something more along the lines of calling the water company!

          Friend 1: There’s no time for bureaucratic red tape in this situation.  (One last slam reaches the wall’s innards: the rushing water can be heard louder, but not seen) Right.  (Walks into the apartment, then after a few moments walks back out to the hallway wearing a headlamp and carrying a bucket, duct tape, and a blowtorch) If I don’t come back in an hour, then call the water company.

            Friend 2: Wait – wait – wait – this is nuts, you need a plumber or – or –

           Friend 1: We need, as a society, to be able to resolve problems ourselves and not stand around helplessly waiting for someone else to save us.  (Crawls into the jagged hole in the wall)

            Friend 2: (Cups mouth to shout) At least the someone else would know what they’re doing!  (Mutters) Guess this means we’re not going to the bridal shower today.

59 MINUTES LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch inside Friend 1’s apartment, constantly checking the time, when Friend 1 arrives)

            Friend 2: (Stands) You made it!  I was about to call 9-1-1 for a search-and-rescue.

           Friend 1: (Dripping from head to toe) Not necessary.  (Drops headlamp and supplies onto the floor) I believe the situation has been rectified.

            Friend 2: You actually sealed the pipe?

          Friend 1: Heh, no – I did battle with the raging rapids for eons, but there’re too many pipes that are too busted, they’re a lost cause.  No, instead I managed to track down the main shut-off valve for the building, and problem solved.  (Squeezes water out of hair)

            Friend 2: But now no one here has water!                                                                   

           Friend 1: Can’t have it both ways.  Besides, it may turn out that I’m the only one affected by all this – I never see my neighbors and not one even made an appearance during the hullaballoo, so I seriously question whether they’re even real.

Story 251: Repair Work Creates More Problems

            (Tenant, wearing pajamas and a robe, opens the front door to Contractor)

            Contractor: Hi there, the Landlord sent me over – you got a leak from the upstairs apartment that’s destroyed your bathroom ceiling?

           Tenant: (Sniffles) Yeah, thanks, come on in.  (Coughs very productively as they head over there) Sorry, I came home from work with the flu, and when I came in here to drown my head in the sink, I saw this.  (Flips on the bathroom light and points to the ceiling, which is sagging almost completely off the beams and has transformed to an unnatural shade of black)

            Contractor: Whoa.

            Tenant: (Sneezes) Yeah.  You think it’s mold?

            Contractor: I think it’s everything, but I can’t tell how much or how far it’s spread until I’ve done exploratory surgery on it.  Did they stop the leak upstairs?

            Tenant: Think so – they said they fixed it and I don’t hear water running 24/7 anymore, so that part should be all right.  You need anything from me right now to check it out?

            Contractor: Nope.  (Whips out a ladder and a tool chest) All set for the demolition; best not to come in here for the next half hour at least.

            Tenant: Good; I’m gonna go pass out in my room for a bit.

            Contractor: Sure thing, but it’ll get real noisy in here in a minute.

            Tenant: I’ll be dead to the world in 30 seconds.

            (Fifteen minutes later)

            Contractor: (Knocking on the bedroom door) Yoo-hoo!  Still alive in there?

            Tenant: (Slowly opens the door, looking even worse than before) Yup?

            Contractor: Hi there, can I show you something?

            Tenant: If it’s the bill, send it upstairs; I’m not paying a dime.

            Contractor: Ahahahahahaha – no, it’s something… unusual.

            Tenant: Don’t tell me there’s a family of cats or rats or bats up there?

            Contractor: Not exactly.

            (They climb the ladder and stick their heads through the gaping hole in the ceiling; Contractor shines a flashlight onto a spot in the corner)

            Tenant: (Squints) Those look like the Crown Jewels.

            Contractor: Yeppers.

          Tenant: Am I hallucinating?  I think that’s one of the side effects listed on the meds I was given.

            Contractor: Well I’m not taking them and I, too, see expensive-looking items there.  You don’t happen to remember stashing any loot up here, do you?

            Tenant: If I had stuff like that, I wouldn’t be living here.

           (The Upstairs Tenant is called to see the loot.  After descending the ladder, all three stare at the now-exposed ceiling)

           Upstairs Tenant: I think it’s obvious: since they were left under my floor, that clearly means they belong to me.

           Tenant: (Chokes for a few moments) Nah-uh!  They’re in my ceiling, so that clearly means they belong to me!  Not to mention your leak destroyed my ceiling in the first place, ergo they’re mine twice over!

            Upstairs Tenant: Actually, since it was my leak as you remind me every day, you would never have found these things if it wasn’t for me, ergo they’re mine twice over!  Plus I need some compensation for the inflated bill I’ll no doubt be sent.

          Tenant: What about the mold I’m breathing in that probably gave me the flu and is possibly now killing me as we speak?!

            Contractor: Oh, the mold’s contained; shouldn’t be an issue once I dump all this garbage.

            Tenant: But it could have been an issue!

           Upstairs Tenant: Any mold after you moved in here is yours, just as any valuables stashed in the space below my floor and above your ceiling are mine.

            Contractor: Guys, guys, let’s be reasonable.  Since I’m the one who the opened the ceiling and found these things in the first place, clearly they belong to me.

            Upstairs Tenant: In a pig’s eye!  They’re in my floor!

            Tenant: No they’re not, they’re in my ceiling!

            Contractor: Yeah, I think I’ll just take them; finders keepers and all that.  (Starts to ascend the ladder)

            Tenants: No!  (There is a scrum at the ladder as all three try to climb it simultaneously)

           Tenant: (Sneezing) There!  May you both get infected and only have last’s year vaccine, you thieves!

           (The front door slams open; the three freeze as an imposing figure enters the apartment and stops at the bathroom doorway)

            Landlord: Well, well, well.  Seems like I’ve got a tenant dispute on my hands.

            Upstairs Tenant: Back off, M’Lord, this is none of your concern!

          Landlord: Actually, since neither you own a square inch of this property and, heh, I do, anything found above, below, around, under, and in-between is mine.  (Effortlessly passes through the group, climbs the ladder, removes the jewels, and climbs back down) On an unrelated note, rent’s going up 25% next month.  (Hums tunelessly out the door)

            Tenant: (To Upstairs Tenant) You’re still paying for all this.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Upstairs Tenant: As long as you pay for the hospital bills I’m seeing in my future.

         Contractor: (Looking at phone) While you two sort it all out, I’ve had five other jobs that popped up and since we’re neither profiting off of found treasure or solving the mystery of how they even got up there, I’m off to make some real money.  (Leaves)

         Tenant: Hey!  There’s still a hole in my ceiling!  I don’t want to hear this one (Points to Upstairs Tenant) every time they’re in there!

           Upstairs Tenant: How did that stuff get up there, anyway?

           Tenant: I’m thinking the less we know, the better.  What if whoever put them there comes back looking for them?

           

           [Reader Participation: Leave a comment below or post to @JenPergola on Twitter suggesting an idea on how the jewels got there – I will pick one and write a story around it!]