Story 610: Upstairs Drama

            (Outside Sibling 1’s apartment, Sibling 2 arrives carrying bags of snacks and raps briskly on the door)

Sibling 1: (Faintly from inside) Come iiiiiiiiinnnnn…..

Sibling 2: (Opens the door, locks it on closing, and finds Sibling 1 sprawled out on the living room couch) You know, you really shouldn’t leave your door unlocked like that, and you really should’ve checked it was me first – I could’ve been anybody out there.

Sibling 1: (Staring at the ceiling) You’re right, but I doubt it would’ve been anybody else.  (Swings legs off the couch to sit up so Sibling 2 can sit down) You bring the goods?

Sibling 2: Yep.  (Dumps the bags onto the coffee table) Chips, pretzels, leftover Halloween candy – all part of a balanced diet.

Sibling 1: (Leans forward to grab each bag) Cool.  (Starts ripping them open to empty the contents into bowls that are lined up on the table) Drink?  I’ve got `em all.  (Gestures to soda cans also lined up on the table)

Sibling 2: Uh, just water, thanks.

Sibling 1: Boring.  (Pours a glass from a filtered pitcher and hands it to Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Downs a few gulps) Aaahhh, that always tastes better than anything else when you really need it.

Sibling 1: If you say so.  (Starts eating the remaining chips out of the bag)

Sibling 2: (Sets the glass on a coaster and stares at the blank TV screen across the room) Sooooo… you want me to turn on the TV or what?

Sibling 1: (Mid-mouthful) What?

Sibling 2: You invited me over here to watch a movie, so here I am, so where’s the movie?

Sibling 1: Oh!  (Swallows the rest) I said come over for the show – but I can understand the confusion.

Sibling 2: Yes, appreciate it, so where’s the show?

Sibling 1: (Points to the ceiling as they both look up) Any minute now…

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: ….

Sibling 2: (Flatly as both look back at each other) You called me over to eavesdrop on your upstairs neighbors.

Sibling 1: It’s not eavesdropping if they broadcast their business for the world to hear.  Used to drive me bonkers, until I started following the storyline – now I can’t get enough of it.  (Starts working on the bowl of chips)

Sibling 2: “Storyline”?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it beats anything that’s airing or streaming lately.  From what I’ve put together over the past few weeks, the one living up there now’s actually a tenant who’s apparently been trashing the place, and the landlord lives out-of-state but randomly drops in out of the blue and is furious about the trashed place but never fixes anything that’s broken either, so both of them have been upping the ante of trashing and no-repair so much that I think we’ve hit the Season Finale where it all comes to a climax.

Sibling 2: “Season Finale”?!

Sibling 1: Yeah, right before I called you I was hearing the words “eviction” and “lawsuit” and “extortion” and “vandalism” being volleyed all over the place, and then the landlord stormed out with an “I’ll be back!” and the tenant was stomping around like a herd of elephants and muttering really loudly so I’m waiting for the final showdown any minute now.

Sibling 2: (Looks up at the ceiling) I don’t hear any elephants at the moment.

Sibling 1: Probably taking a nap – I heard snoring through the ceiling when I stopped off in my room earlier.

Sibling 2: Oh.

(Loud footsteps and a round of banging is heard upstairs, followed by)

Landlord: (Voice) I’m comin’ in!

Sibling 1: (Hands Sibling 2 the bowl of pretzels) Ooh, this is it, here we go!  (Leans back on the couch with the bowl of chips to watch the ceiling comfortably)

Sibling 2: (Also leans back, with a sigh) I don’t know how I feel about this –

Sibling 1: Sshh!

(Rattling keys are heard, followed by the door upstairs flying open as loud footsteps race from the back of the apartment to the front)

Tenant: (Voice) I told you to stay out!

Landlord: This is my apartment, chuckles – I can come in whenever I want!

Tenant: Yeah, well, it’s creepy when you let yourself in like that!  And you can’t make me leave, either!  Not until you’ve fixed the broken water heater and got rid of the mold that’s every – FREAKIN’ – where!

Landlord: I don’t have to fix a thing if I don’t feel like it, and if I did fix it, why would you leave afterward?!

Tenant: To prove my point!  And you too have to fix the water heater, it’s the law since, as you always say, it’s your apartment!

Landlord: I don’t have to fix it if you’re the one who broke it!

Tenant: It was broken when I moved in!

Landlord: Balderdash!  And what about all those holes in the walls for your ugly photos?!  I told you no holes in the walls, use the sticky strip hangers!

Tenant: …The holes were here when I moved in!  And what about the mold?!

Landlord: Didn’t have mold until you moved in!  Probably from all those way-too-hot showers I bet you take – I saw the paint peeling off the bathroom ceiling, and I’m not fixing that either!

Tenant: How can I take hot showers if the water heater’s broken?!

Landlord: Because I bet it’s not!

Tenant: You calling me a liar?!

Landlord: Yes!  And a slob!  And a noise polluter!  I can hear your late-night parties from three states away!

Sibling 1: (Softly to Sibling 2) Right about that.

Sibling 2: (Softly to Sibling 1) That stinks.

Tenant: It’s a free country, I can have some friends over for tea if I like!

Landlord: At 2:00 in the morning?!

(Sibling 1 shudders at the memory; Sibling 2 pats Sibling 1 on the shoulder in sympathy)

Tenant: We all work nights!  Blame capitalism!

Landlord: No, I blame you for being a bad neighbor, and for the maybe-broken water heater –

Tenant: <Gasp!>

Landlord: And for the mold –

Tenant: <GASP!>

Landlord: And for the messed-up walls, floors, and ceilings!

Tenant: (On an intake of breath) You wouldn’t dare!

Landlord: I’ve had it, I tell you!  I’m losing money on this place every second you stand here, wrecking everything with your mere presence!  I want you OUT!

Tenant: Can’t evict me, can’t evict me, I pay my rent, you’ve got nothin’ on me, nah-nah-nah-nah-naaah-naaah!

Landlord: All right, that does it!  I’M TAKING THE FRIDGE!

Tenant: …WHAT?!

Landlord: You heard me!  (Sounds of footsteps heading back to the hallway) None of your friends’ll wanna tea-party here if there’s no fresh food or cold drinks for them to gorge on!  I bought the fridge, it’s mine, so you’d better take out whatever you’ve got in there in the next 30 seconds, `cause the whole thing’s going bye-bye!

Tenant: What – you – you can’t do that!  And did you bring that thing here planning this ALL ALONG?!

Landlord: (Sounds of a hand truck being wheeled in) I can do whatever I want with MY PROPERTY!  And whatever food’s still left in there by the time I leave is mine, too!

Tenant: Wait – no – (Sounds of a struggle with the refrigerator) I have a week’s worth of leftovers in there!

Landlord: Well then, there’s no time to waste, AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(More sounds of a struggle and then items being tossed to the floor and a table, then of the refrigerator being lifted by the hand truck and wheeled out the door) You can keep the ice packs, since I’m feeling so generous!  (Grunts while shoving the hand truck over the threshold) Think on your sins while I’m gone!  (Sounds of the hand truck wheeling the refrigerator down the hallway)

Tenant: (Shouting out the open door) You monster!  Just for that, I’m gonna take an EXTRA-HOT shower for an hour!

Landlord: HA!  A confession at last!

Tenant: Oooh!  The heater comes and goes!  And you still didn’t get rid of the mold!

Landlord: At this point, the mold’s gonna get rid of you!  (There is a DING! and then sound of the heavy hand truck being pushed into an elevator) And if I throw out my back from all this, I’m sending you the bill!

Tenant: I’ll paper over my ugly photos with it!

Landlord: It’d be an improvement!  (Sounds of the elevator door closing)

Tenant: Why you – !  Oh, can’t hear me anymore.

(Sounds of the apartment door being slammed shut, heavy footsteps back to the bedroom for a minute and then back to the kitchen, a loud moan of annoyance, and items being gathered and dumped into ice chests)

Tenant: (Loudly on a phone) Hey, you busy?... Yeah, you got a spare fridge you can loan me for the next three months, until my lease here is up?... Nah, it can break down after that – then it’ll be the next tenant’s problem, heh-heh-heh!

Sibling 2: (Looks back at Sibling 1) As fascinating as all that was, can we put on a real movie now?

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) Aw, what, you didn’t like it?

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you did!  Having that – (Gestures to the ceiling) going on above me at all hours would drive me up the wall!

Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’ve gotten so invested, I’ve gotta find out how it ends!

Sibling 2: Probably with both a lawsuit and an eviction!

Sibling 1: Oh.  How boringly realistic.

Story 523: Moving Shortcut

             (In a ground floor apartment)

Tenant: (Stretched out on the living room couch with a laptop and speaking on a cell phone) I know you would like the project done by this afternoon, but I’m about to disillusion you of your unfeasible dream…. Not possible – earliest will be next Tuesday, and that’s being unreasonably optimistic…. (Picks up a drink that was sitting on the floor next to the couch, slurps through the straw, shakes head, and sets the drink back down) This isn’t me being difficult; this is reality asserting its dominance over your fantasy of an automated human workforce…. And I’m sure you can be replaced by A.I. as well, but – (A resounding CRASH! is heard outside the living room window; Tenant jumps in the seat and nearly drops the phone and the laptop) Holy all-the-curse-words-I can-think-of!  (Sets aside the laptop to get off the couch) ….I have no idea!  I’ll have to call you back…. When I have time!... `K boss; bye.  (Ends the call and tosses the phone onto the couch, then peers through the window to see a giant, broken wardrobe sitting on the common lawn in front of that section of apartments) What in the world – ?  (A dining room table CRASH!es next to the wardrobe and splinters apart) A crime!  I’m actually witnessing a crime in progress!  (Several movers approach from the parking lot and start breaking apart the furniture and hauling away the pieces; Tenant opens the window and sticks head out) Hey!  Did a moving truck get sucked up into a tornado and explode overhead?

Mover 1: (Pauses the disassembly) Sorry?

Tenant: What on Earth is going on here?!

Mover 1: Oh, your upstairs neighbor moved away so we’re just cleaning out the place.

Tenant: By cannon?!

Mover 1: Huh?

Tenant: You can’t just fling furniture out the window to get rid of it!

Mover 1: Why not?

Tenant: (Sputters) Be-be-because it’s dangerous!

Mover 1: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.

Mover 2: (Above them on the upstairs neighbor’s balcony) Heads-up!

Mover 1: (Looks up briefly, then back down to Tenant) Excuse me.  (Steps aside along with the other movers as a refrigerator crashes nearby) See?

Tenant: Argh!  (Slams the window shut, runs outside to where the movers are, and looks up to Mover 2 on the balcony above, who is about to toss a piano overboard) HEY!

Mover 2: Oh hey, what’s up?

Tenant: You can’t be throwing furniture off the balcony, you could hurt somebody!

Mover 2: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.  (To the movers below) Heads-up!  (They step aside as Mover 2 hauls up the piano)

Tenant: (Holds up arms) Whoa-whoa-wait-stop!

Mover 2: (Rests the piano on the balcony railing)Yeah, sure, what’s up?

Tenant: No more throwing enormous objects to the ground!  Use the stairs to bring down stuff like a decent human being!

Mover 2: Yeah, we thought of that, but this way’s faster.  (Tips the piano over the railing and it CRASH!es to the ground to the tune of all the notes)

Tenant: (Cringes with arms flung overhead during the crash) What is wrong with you?!

Mover 2: (Stretches arms and back) I think I’m all good, but thanks for asking.  (Goes back inside the apartment)

Tenant: (Nearly hopping with rage) Ooooooohhhhh!!!

Mover 1: (As the others cart away the broken furniture) That was it for us today – we’ll toss the bed and entertainment system tomorrow.

Tenant: No-no-no!  No more tossing!  You could’ve hurt one of my neighbors!  Or me!

Mover 1: Nobody’s been around here for the last half hour, and you were indoors until now.

Tenant: Not the point!  Someone could’ve walked by and been hit by furniture debris – you can’t account for everything!  (Sees the others getting into a truck parked next to the dumpster) And you can’t just leave all that garbage piled next to the dumpster!

Mover 1: Why not?  It’s garbage.  (Leaves as Mover 2 walks by carrying a laundry rack)

Mover 2: (To hyperventilating Tenant) See you tomorrow, yeah?  (Tosses the rack onto the furniture pile and climbs into the truck)

Tenant: (Quivering in helpless fury as the truck drives away) …I’M TELLING!

THE NEXT DAY

(Tenant is working on the laptop again, but instead of being spread out on the couch is seated in a chair keeping watch with binoculars at the living room window when the cell phone rings)

Tenant: (Turns away from the window to answer the call) WHAT?!... No, I haven’t started working on that yet, it’s been raining furniture around here lately and I’m on guard for when the next storm shows up!... Well, not much seems to make sense to you, does it!  (There is a knock at the door) …Great, they probably came back and you made me miss them in action, thanks a lot!... (Stands and walks to the door) …Yes, I know my annual employee evaluation is due this week; I fail to understand its relevance to this conversation.  Speaking of which – (Ends the call, throws the phone onto the couch, and flings opens the door) YES?!

Owner: Hi – I own the unit above yours and got a call from the association that you submitted a complaint about furniture being dropped outside your window?

Tenant: YES?!

Owner: Well, I’d like to apologize on their behalf – I’m taking care of the mess and it won’t happen again.  I heard you were very, very, very upset, and I wanted to smooth everything over so we stay on good terms.

Tenant: (Blinks several times) No worries – lucky for you, I’m a very easygoing person.

Story 327: A Bit Washed Out

            (Friend 2 walks down the hallway to Friend 1’s apartment, looking down and stepping around large puddles of water along the way.  Friend 2 knocks on the apartment door and Friend 1 opens it after a minute)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Ready to go?

            Friend 2: Only if you are – you got a leak or something?

          Friend 1: Huh?  (Friend 2 steps aside and gestures to the lakes scattered along the hallway; Friend 1’s eyes widen) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: So I guess this isn’t from you, then.

          Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s not from me!  Unless – (Runs back into the apartment, a lot of banging and crashes are heard, then runs back to the front door) Nope, it isn’t from me.

            Friend 2: Do you think it’s coming from one of your neighbors?

           Friend 1: (Walks up and down the hallway, peering closely at the lakes) I don’t think so: they seem to be springing up all over.  (Freezes around the hallway’s midpoint) Hang on – you hear that?

            Friend 2: (Tilts head) No – what?

           Friend 1: (Places an ear against the wall on the same side of the hallway as the apartment, then grinds teeth) Niagara Falls.

            Friend 2: (Also places an ear against the wall) Oh wow, it sounds like a pipe burst in there – how old is this building?

            Friend 1: Literally centuries.  (Takes phone out of jeans pocket and makes a call) Hi, this is the tenant from Apartment 5B, there’s water absolutely all over the corridor here, you might want to have it taken care of before the entire building implodes, hope you’re enjoying the Galápagos, bye!  (Disconnects the call and sticks the phone back into pocket)

            Friend 2: Wait, the landlord’s on vacation and didn’t leave anyone in charge?

            Friend 1: Yeah, why?

            Friend 2: In case something like this happens!

            Friend 1: All I know is, I’m not responsible for anything in this entire building, and that’s how I like it.

           Friend 2: I guess, but in the meantime your apartment might get flooded or the walls and floors could all rot out, collapsing the entire place and then you’d be homeless for who-knows-how-long until your landlord gets their act together from the Galápagos to fix it!  Plus everyone else who lives here would be homeless too, just as a side note.

            Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) You make an excellent point.  (Walks past Friend 2 into the apartment, then after another few moments walks back out to the hallway, faces the wall where the water was heard, and begins to slam it with a sledgehammer)

            Friend 2: (Shielding head as debris flies by) Whoa!  Wait a second, what are you doing?!

            Friend 1: Taking matters into my own hands.  (Slam)

            Friend 2: I meant something more along the lines of calling the water company!

          Friend 1: There’s no time for bureaucratic red tape in this situation.  (One last slam reaches the wall’s innards: the rushing water can be heard louder, but not seen) Right.  (Walks into the apartment, then after a few moments walks back out to the hallway wearing a headlamp and carrying a bucket, duct tape, and a blowtorch) If I don’t come back in an hour, then call the water company.

            Friend 2: Wait – wait – wait – this is nuts, you need a plumber or – or –

           Friend 1: We need, as a society, to be able to resolve problems ourselves and not stand around helplessly waiting for someone else to save us.  (Crawls into the jagged hole in the wall)

            Friend 2: (Cups mouth to shout) At least the someone else would know what they’re doing!  (Mutters) Guess this means we’re not going to the bridal shower today.

59 MINUTES LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch inside Friend 1’s apartment, constantly checking the time, when Friend 1 arrives)

            Friend 2: (Stands) You made it!  I was about to call 9-1-1 for a search-and-rescue.

           Friend 1: (Dripping from head to toe) Not necessary.  (Drops headlamp and supplies onto the floor) I believe the situation has been rectified.

            Friend 2: You actually sealed the pipe?

          Friend 1: Heh, no – I did battle with the raging rapids for eons, but there’re too many pipes that are too busted, they’re a lost cause.  No, instead I managed to track down the main shut-off valve for the building, and problem solved.  (Squeezes water out of hair)

            Friend 2: But now no one here has water!                                                                   

           Friend 1: Can’t have it both ways.  Besides, it may turn out that I’m the only one affected by all this – I never see my neighbors and not one even made an appearance during the hullaballoo, so I seriously question whether they’re even real.

Story 251: Repair Work Creates More Problems

            (Tenant, wearing pajamas and a robe, opens the front door to Contractor)

            Contractor: Hi there, the Landlord sent me over – you got a leak from the upstairs apartment that’s destroyed your bathroom ceiling?

           Tenant: (Sniffles) Yeah, thanks, come on in.  (Coughs very productively as they head over there) Sorry, I came home from work with the flu, and when I came in here to drown my head in the sink, I saw this.  (Flips on the bathroom light and points to the ceiling, which is sagging almost completely off the beams and has transformed to an unnatural shade of black)

            Contractor: Whoa.

            Tenant: (Sneezes) Yeah.  You think it’s mold?

            Contractor: I think it’s everything, but I can’t tell how much or how far it’s spread until I’ve done exploratory surgery on it.  Did they stop the leak upstairs?

            Tenant: Think so – they said they fixed it and I don’t hear water running 24/7 anymore, so that part should be all right.  You need anything from me right now to check it out?

            Contractor: Nope.  (Whips out a ladder and a tool chest) All set for the demolition; best not to come in here for the next half hour at least.

            Tenant: Good; I’m gonna go pass out in my room for a bit.

            Contractor: Sure thing, but it’ll get real noisy in here in a minute.

            Tenant: I’ll be dead to the world in 30 seconds.

            (Fifteen minutes later)

            Contractor: (Knocking on the bedroom door) Yoo-hoo!  Still alive in there?

            Tenant: (Slowly opens the door, looking even worse than before) Yup?

            Contractor: Hi there, can I show you something?

            Tenant: If it’s the bill, send it upstairs; I’m not paying a dime.

            Contractor: Ahahahahahaha – no, it’s something… unusual.

            Tenant: Don’t tell me there’s a family of cats or rats or bats up there?

            Contractor: Not exactly.

            (They climb the ladder and stick their heads through the gaping hole in the ceiling; Contractor shines a flashlight onto a spot in the corner)

            Tenant: (Squints) Those look like the Crown Jewels.

            Contractor: Yeppers.

          Tenant: Am I hallucinating?  I think that’s one of the side effects listed on the meds I was given.

            Contractor: Well I’m not taking them and I, too, see expensive-looking items there.  You don’t happen to remember stashing any loot up here, do you?

            Tenant: If I had stuff like that, I wouldn’t be living here.

           (The Upstairs Tenant is called to see the loot.  After descending the ladder, all three stare at the now-exposed ceiling)

           Upstairs Tenant: I think it’s obvious: since they were left under my floor, that clearly means they belong to me.

           Tenant: (Chokes for a few moments) Nah-uh!  They’re in my ceiling, so that clearly means they belong to me!  Not to mention your leak destroyed my ceiling in the first place, ergo they’re mine twice over!

            Upstairs Tenant: Actually, since it was my leak as you remind me every day, you would never have found these things if it wasn’t for me, ergo they’re mine twice over!  Plus I need some compensation for the inflated bill I’ll no doubt be sent.

          Tenant: What about the mold I’m breathing in that probably gave me the flu and is possibly now killing me as we speak?!

            Contractor: Oh, the mold’s contained; shouldn’t be an issue once I dump all this garbage.

            Tenant: But it could have been an issue!

           Upstairs Tenant: Any mold after you moved in here is yours, just as any valuables stashed in the space below my floor and above your ceiling are mine.

            Contractor: Guys, guys, let’s be reasonable.  Since I’m the one who the opened the ceiling and found these things in the first place, clearly they belong to me.

            Upstairs Tenant: In a pig’s eye!  They’re in my floor!

            Tenant: No they’re not, they’re in my ceiling!

            Contractor: Yeah, I think I’ll just take them; finders keepers and all that.  (Starts to ascend the ladder)

            Tenants: No!  (There is a scrum at the ladder as all three try to climb it simultaneously)

           Tenant: (Sneezing) There!  May you both get infected and only have last’s year vaccine, you thieves!

           (The front door slams open; the three freeze as an imposing figure enters the apartment and stops at the bathroom doorway)

            Landlord: Well, well, well.  Seems like I’ve got a tenant dispute on my hands.

            Upstairs Tenant: Back off, M’Lord, this is none of your concern!

          Landlord: Actually, since neither you own a square inch of this property and, heh, I do, anything found above, below, around, under, and in-between is mine.  (Effortlessly passes through the group, climbs the ladder, removes the jewels, and climbs back down) On an unrelated note, rent’s going up 25% next month.  (Hums tunelessly out the door)

            Tenant: (To Upstairs Tenant) You’re still paying for all this.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Upstairs Tenant: As long as you pay for the hospital bills I’m seeing in my future.

         Contractor: (Looking at phone) While you two sort it all out, I’ve had five other jobs that popped up and since we’re neither profiting off of found treasure or solving the mystery of how they even got up there, I’m off to make some real money.  (Leaves)

         Tenant: Hey!  There’s still a hole in my ceiling!  I don’t want to hear this one (Points to Upstairs Tenant) every time they’re in there!

           Upstairs Tenant: How did that stuff get up there, anyway?

           Tenant: I’m thinking the less we know, the better.  What if whoever put them there comes back looking for them?

           

           [Reader Participation: Leave a comment below or post to @JenPergola on Twitter suggesting an idea on how the jewels got there – I will pick one and write a story around it!]