Story 459: Allergic to My Own Species

 (In an exam room in Doctor’s office, Patient sits on the exam table, swinging feet gently while waiting)

Doctor: (Enters in a hurry and immediately begins checking Patient’s blood pressure, pulse, and heartbeat) Hi there, how long’s it been – six months?  Deep breath.

Patient: (Breathes deeply) Actually, more like eight years.

Doctor: (Checks Patient’s thyroid) You don’t say; has it really been that long?  Kids all grown up, then?  (Whacks Patient’s knees with a reflex hammer)

Patient: (Kicks at the appropriate times) No kids, just me.

Doctor: Oh sorry, must be thinking about my kids – open up.  (Shines a small flashlight down Patient’s throat while using a tongue depressor, then switches to the ears with a different instrument)

Patient: (Tilting head for each ear) I’ve been all right health-wise, so I haven’t been coming here because I haven’t been sick.

Doctor: (Tsks and shakes head while tying off Patient’s arm with a tourniquet, disinfecting a spot on the forearm, and casually siphoning off a vial of blood) You should always go to your primary care physician at least once a year so we can check if anything nasty’s brewing.  (Labels the vial, takes off the tourniquet, puts a bandage over the new hole, and starts to leave) I’ll call you with the results in a few days – see you this time next year – byeeee!!!

Patient: Wait, I haven’t told you why I’m here yet!

Doctor: (Stops at the door and turns around) So there is something nasty brewing?

Patient: No – well, maybe – it’s just –

Doctor: I’ve got 300 patients to see today, so speed it up.

Patient: I think I have an allergy.

Doctor: (Whips out a prescription pad and starts scribbling) All right, I’ll refer you to an allergist – what kind?

Patient: Umm….

Doctor: Nuts?  Dairy?  Gluten?  Microplastics?

Patient: People?

Doctor: (Stops writing) I don’t follow.

Patient: I’ve noticed more and more lately that I’m feeling terribly allergic to my own species whenever I’m around them.

Doctor: (Slowly lowers arms, then grabs a stool and wheels it over to the table to sit closer to Patient) How so?

Patient: Well, first off, they annoy me.

Doctor: That’s not an allergy; that’s just reality.

Patient: I’m finding I can’t be around them for too long without feeling physically ill.  (Rolls up sleeves) Look at this: I’ve only been around you for five minutes, Doc, and I’m already breaking out into hives!

Doctor: (Takes Patient’s wrists and pulls arms forward slightly to stare at the hives) I’m not sure if I should be concerned or insulted.

Patient: (Rolls down sleeves after Doctor lets go) It’s nothing personal – I’ve been getting this way with everyone lately.  It’s like my skin bursts into boils in a misguided attempt to defend itself.

Doctor: I can give you a cream for it.

Patient: Thanks, that may help, but what about the sounds?

Doctor: Sounds?

Patient: I’m starting to not be able to tolerate any human noises – chewing, talking, breathing – again, nothing personal, but your lip smacking over there is slowly driving me bananas right now.

Doctor: (Pushes lips together for a moment) Sounds – heh-heh, sorry – like you’re describing misophonia: I can refer a therapist to help you with coping mechanisms.

Patient: Thanks, that may help, but what about the sneezing fits I get every time I enter a crowded room?  Or the shakes when strangers get in my face?  Or the racing heart when family and friends get in my face? Or the –

Doctor: (Stands) I hate to cut you off, but most of what you’re describing are signs of a social anxiety disorder rather than an actual allergy.  (Writes on a new page of the prescription pad, tears it off, and hands it to Patient) Here’s a referral for a psychiatrist: go make an appointment and see if you feel any better afterward.

Patient: (Stares at the paper with increasingly red, teary eyes) Oh.  OK.  I’ll try that.  Thanks.

Doctor: (Heads for the door) You’re welcome – I’m off – see you in a year – good luck with the kids – byeeee!!!!  (Leaves)

Patient: (Stares at the door, nose running and red bumps forming on face) But I don’t have any kids….

 ONE WEEK LATER

(On the phone)

Patient: Hello?

Doctor: Hi, this is Dr. --------------, I’m calling –

Patient: Oh hey, Doc!  I went to the psychiatrist and I think it worked!

Doctor: …What?

Patient: Yeah, we talked all about my introverted personality and the state of the world feeding into my general aversion to humanity and how I can come to terms with how awful we all are if I just stop fighting it so darn much, and wow!  What a breakthrough!  It’s still gonna take some time, but at least now I stop feeling overwhelming nausea every time I board the bus, know-what-I-mean?

Doctor: Yeah that’s great – listen, I got the results in on your blood test and you were right.

Patient: How so?

Doctor: You are allergic.  To human beings.

Patient: Huh?

Doctor: You’re even allergic to yourself – I’m flabbergasted you’ve managed to survive this long.

Patient: Uhhhh….

Doctor: I want you to order a hazmat suit immediately and then come back to the office so I can take more blood to examine and either work on getting one of those plastic bubbles for you to live in forever or arrange for you to be shipped to the North Pole or the South Pole or maybe even the Moon so you’ll never encounter another human being ever again.  (Silence on the other end for a few moments) I know this is a lot to take in, especially when you made all that mental and emotional progress –

Patient: When can I leave?

Story 431: I Don’t Know How to Human Properly

 (In a doctor’s consultation room; it looks like a psychiatrist’s office – but it isn’t)

Doctor: (Sitting in an uncomfy chair and addressing Patient, who is lying on the usual couch and staring intently at the ceiling) So, what brings you here today?  (Pen hovers over a notepad, poised at the ready)

Patient: Well Doc, I’ve been alive for over three decades and it’s come to my attention more and more often lately that I’ve not been doing it quite right this whole time.

Doctor: (Pauses in taking notes) How do you mean?

Patient: (Shifts on the couch to face Doctor) Well, for instance, when you brought me in here you asked, “How are you?” and I said “Oh fine, thanks” and left it at that.  I just now realized I never asked how you were.

Doctor: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) Oh, that’s not much – we all do that sometimes, and today we’re here to talk about you, not me.

Patient: (Turns to lie back down on the couch) Yes, but it’s common decency and I couldn’t even think to do it until it was too late not to be awkward.  Not the first time by a long shot, either.

Doctor: (Starts taking notes again) Well, social faux pas are unfortunate but not problematic in and of themselves.  Is there anything similar that’s bothering you?

Patient: Yes.  Lots of little things like that, all day, every day.  Made me realize… I don’t know how to human properly.

Doctor: Oh dear, sorry you feel that way.  What’s another example?

Patient: Where do I begin?  Only the other day, one of my coworkers mentioned it was their birthday, and I said, “That’s nice, Happy Birthday,” and then later that afternoon the rest of the department whipped out a cake, card, and presents!

Doctor: And?

Patient: And I didn’t even think to do anything like that!  And I’ve been working with this person for almost 15 years!

Doctor: Well, we all have our strengths.                                                       

Patient: OK, then how about another coworker who’s having a baby soon, and someone in a different department said they’d throw a baby shower for her, and the other day came to me asking if I was planning on chipping in `cause they hadn’t heard back from me yet!

Doctor: To be fair, that actually could be a bit presumptuous on their part.

Patient: I’m the mom-to-be’s supervisor!

Doctor: Oh.

Patient: Yes!  And when I was asked that, it hit me that I should’ve been the one arranging the shower from the beginning!

Doctor: Yes, that is a bit basic.  How long have you been in this role?

Patient: Three months, why?

Doctor: You’ll probably be coming across a lot more of these types of situations.

Patient: (Slumps farther down the couch) Great.  I already have to remind myself when we have visitors to the department that I should offer them some water or coffee, only because one of my “subordinates” was kind enough to ask when I left some higher-ups from Corporate just sitting there while we waited for the CEO.

Doctor: Ouch.

Patient: And work’s not the half of it: I don’t even know how to act around my own family and friends sometimes.

Doctor: How so?

Patient: Well, when anything major comes up like a wedding, or a graduation, or a Bar Mitzvah, or a funeral, I find myself completely at a loss what to do, what to say, where to go, how to act, who to tip!  And everything I do think of to say to the guest of honor or the bereaved winds up sounding completely asinine!  And the few times I even think of it, how do I know when it’s appropriate for me to send over food?!

Doctor: This is all sounding very much like social anxiety.

Patient: I’d agree with you, but I come across the same… block, around people I’m comfortable with!  I’ve had a best friend since infancy, and when they told me the other day they’re going through a rough time all I could do was “Uh-huh” and trickle off the conversation because I had absolutely no idea what to say!

Doctor: You could’ve just listened.

Patient: (Turns back to Doctor) You see!  Everyone knows stuff like this instinctively, but I always have to be told everything and hope I remember it in time!  There’s something wrong with me, Doc – I missed out on the instruction manual on how to be a human being!

Doctor: (Finishes notes with a flourish) Well, you may be somewhat lacking in empathy and maturity and common sense in many instances, but this seems to be more of a case of ignorance and laziness rather than complete sociopathy.  (Patient double-takes as Doctor walks to the desk, takes what appears to be a smart phone out of a container, and begins entering settings on it) This is an excellent opportunity to test out a device I’ve been trying to patent – you can be my first human subject.  (Hands the device to Patient)

Patient: (Stares at the many features on the screen) What do I do with this?

Doctor: Think of it as a customized search engine: whenever you come across a social situation you don’t know how to respond to, just select the appropriate scenario and a whole bunch of suggested phrases and behaviors will display.

Patient: (Taps the icon for “Loss of Pet,” then sees “Friend,” “Relative,” “Acquaintance,” “Coworker,” “Supervisor,” “Subordinate,” and “Stranger,” taps “Friend,” then sees “Close Friend,” “Casual Friend,” “Social Media Friend,” “Potential Main Squeeze (Awaiting Confirmation),” taps “Casual Friend,” then sees “Say: ‘So sorry to hear about your fur baby/pet/companion’ – Do: Send pet loss sympathy card and/or make a donation to the local animal shelter (if pet’s name/species is unknown, skip second part).”)  Wow.

Doctor: I tried to make the algorithm as thorough as possible, so please let me know if I overlooked anything – it’s officially in beta testing now.

Patient: (Stands) Thanks, this should be really helpful!

Doctor: I hope so – come back in two weeks and let me know, would you?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(Patient arrives at a hospital as a visitor, carrying a small basket of baby supplies)

Patient: (Knocks on an open door of a room in Maternity and enters with a wide smile) “Hiiiii!!!!”

Coworker: (Sitting in bed and holding a newborn baby) Oh, hi!  Thank you so much for coming to visit!

Patient: “Of course!”  (Holds up the basket for a moment before setting it on a nearby table) “Since I missed out on the shower….”

Coworker: (Laughs) Aw, thanks, I missed out, too!  (To the baby) You were in quite the hurry there, little one!

Patient: (Surreptitiously glances down at the device peeking out of a jeans pocket and taps a button; immediately goes to the sink and washes hands) “Almost forgot!”

Coworker: Oh, would you like to hold the baby?

Patient: (Freezes a bit while drying hands) …“Sure!”  (Gently cradles the baby in arms and sits down slowly in a nearby chair; stares down at the baby while struggling to remember phrases) “Has your eyes”…?

Coworker: You think so?

Patient: (Looks closer at the baby and back at Coworker) Maybe more your hair.

Coworker: Certainly has a ton of it!

Patient: (Looks back down at the baby, who starts to fidget) “Oops, I think we want Mommy back!”  (Gently hands the baby back to Coworker and slides the device out of the pocket a bit again, glancing down) “So, when are they gonna spring you two from here, eh?”

Coworker: (Distracted by the cooing baby, then looks back up at Patient) Hm, sorry?

Patient: Um…. (Scratches head and leans forward slightly to cover up looking at the device again) “Did they say you and the baby can go home soon?”

Coworker: Oh, probably tomorrow, so that’ll be nice.

Patient: (Nods) “Uh-huh.”  “Nice.”

(Coworker’s Partner enters with two cups of water; Patient quickly stands)

Partner: Oh hi, thanks for coming by!

Patient: (Shakes hands after the cups are set down) “Of course!”  “Congratulations, you two!”  (Mini-waves at the baby) Three!  “I’ll let you all enjoy each other’s company now, buh-bye!”  (Washes hands again and backs toward the door)

Coworker: Thanks again for coming, and for the supplies, we’ll definitely need them!

Partner: (Sees the basket on the table) Oh yeah, thanks a lot!

Patient: (Still backing toward the door) “No worries!”  Um…. “Good fortune!”… Um… yeah, bye.  (Runs away)

Partner: (Smiles at Coworker and the baby) Seems nice.

Coworker: Yeah.  A little awkward sometimes, but improving.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In Doctor’s consultation room – the two are in the same positions as before)

Doctor: Well?

Patient: (Beaming while holding up the device) It.  Was.  Amazing!  I was hardly ever at a loss for words; I almost always knew exactly what to do in almost any situation; and even when I stumbled or made a “Whoopsie!”, this thing always guided me back on track!

Doctor: (Taking notes) Excellent.  Your feedback is invaluable during the testing phase for this to be accepted as a legitimate medical treatment.

Patient: Great!  Would you mind if I kept it for a little longer, then?

Doctor: How much longer do you think you need?

Patient: Probably the rest of my life.

Doctor: That’s fine; I have several more test devices to distribute and the prototype stays with me, so you can keep that one forever if you like.

Patient: Yessss!!!  (Briefly hugs device to chest) You don’t know how much this has helped me; I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s changed my life!

Doctor: That’s good to hear – it’s always nice to know technology can be used for good without the potential for gaining sentience and taking over the world.

Patient: …Yeah, that too.

Doctor: Oh, one more thing.  (Goes to the desk, opens a drawer, and hands a piece of paper to Patient)

Patient: (Peers at the form) What’s this?

Doctor: Since you’ll be keeping the device, once the patent is inevitably approved this’ll be the monthly bill.  (Patient looks up in shock) I’m sure your insurance will cover at least part of it.

Patient: (Rapidly navigates through the device) “As a voluntary test subject, all equipment and medications involved in the study are perpetually provided free of charge!”  (Triumphantly holds out the device and mic-drops it onto the couch)

Doctor: Wow, that thing really does work in all scenarios.  I’ll make a note to increase my royalty demands.