Story 353: There’s an Online Video to Fix ANYTHING

            (Friend 1, at home, is shredding a ream of paper while on the phone)

            Friend 1: …so I said to `em, “While I don’t mind coming in for 15 interviews, I would like a final decision date that’s a little more definite than ‘soon,’ if that’s not too much to ask.”

            Friend 2: (On the phone) I’m guessing it was?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, that got me a hard “No” for sure, but at least I finally got an answer out of them so, you know, victory was mine.  (Papers jam in the shredder) Aw, come on, again?!

            Friend 2: Sounds bad – food processor?

           Friend 1: What?  No, never touch those; it’s a paper shredder.  Guess you just can’t handle 20 sheets a pop, wimp!

            Friend 2: Most can’t.  How bad is it?

           Friend 1: Let’s see…. (Unplugs the shredder from the wall outlet, takes off the lid, flips it over, and begins pulling out tiny bits of paper) Ewwwww, there’s a whole big chunk stuck in the top side I can’t get to.

            Friend 2: Did you unplug it first?

            Friend 1: Of course I – ah!  Ow-ow-ow!

            Friend 2: Oh no, what happened?!

            Friend 1: Gotcha!

            Friend 2: Dork.

            Friend 1: Listen, this is gonna take me hours of meltdowns and I’m probably going to have to send it out for repair or buy a new one anyway, so I’ll call you back later.  The mercury of irritation is rising already, and the blood is beginning to boil.

          Friend 2: You know, you probably can avoid all that if you just go online and find a video showing you how to fix it.

           Friend 1: (Freezes while holding the shredder lid up in the air to bash it on the floor) How’s that?

            Friend 2: People post videos about anything, and there’s a really useful subset that show you how to fix or do or make or destroy pretty much any item you can think of.  It’s how I fixed my toilet that one time; saved me a bundle.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Video-posters can be altruistic after all, eh?

           Friend 2: For stuff like this, surprisingly yes.  You may have to weed through a few, but you usually can find what you need pretty fast if you use the right keywords.  We live in a golden age of technology, it’s mind-boggling.

            Friend 1: You’re not kidding.  I’ll check it out, then – thanks a bunch!

          Friend 2: Sure thing.  Let me know how the patient pulls through.  (Disconnects the call)

LATER

         (Friend 1 is seated on the kitchen floor and watching a video on a laptop while the disassembled shredder is spread all around)

            Video Host: Now make sure you don’t lose this little piece here –

           Friend 1: (Nodding while carefully holding the shredder innards and mirroring the video) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

            Video Host: – and now take your tweezers and zip-zip-zip!  Paper’s all out!

            Friend 1: (Tweezing out paper) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

        Video Host: Now put everything back together, reinsert all the screws – (Time lapse of reinserting screws) – and boom!  All done!

            Friend 1: (Time lapse of reinserting screws) Boom?

          Video Host: Now let’s test it out, shall we?  (Shreds a single piece of paper) There we go!   Would’ve been embarrassing if it hadn’t worked, but that’s what editing is for!

         Friend 1: (Plugs in the shredder, turns it on, and shreds a page) It worked?  It worked!  I actually fixed something real, woo-hoo!  (Hugs the laptop) Thanks, my video friend, you get a “Like” and a “Subscribe”!  (Does so and shuts down the laptop; begins shredding more paper, cackling wildly with each successful page) Aha, jamming shredder, you thought you could defeat ME?!  Take that!  (Feeds a page) And that!  (Feeds a page) And – oh I’m out.  (Unplugs the shredder, then looks around the room) I wonder if there’s something else here that needs fixing…?

TWO DAYS LATER

          Friend 2: (At home, on the phone) Hi, I got your garbled text – are we still meeting up for dinner tonight or what?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, it kind of depends on when I finish here.

            Friend 2: What’re you doing?

          Friend 1: Well, I took your advice the other day and found a video that helped me fix the shredder.

            Friend 2: That’s great!  What a relief; how is it – ?

           Friend 1: Yeah-yeah-yeah, it’s working fine, that’s old news: since I fixed that, I figured why not try a few other things around the place, you know?

            Friend 2: Sure, sure.

           Friend 1: So, I found more videos and finally sealed that gap in the living room window that had such a draft –

            Friend 2: Oh, great!

            Friend 1: Yeah, and the wiring in that one lamp that kept flicking all the time –

            Friend 2: Good, good.

            Friend 1: And the thermostat in the fridge that was all wonky, got that –

            Friend 2: OK.

          Friend 1: And the cracked tiles by the front door, replaced the whole section with laminates –

            Friend 2: OK….

           Friend 1: And the gas line leading to the oven was a bit old, so I took it all out and converted everything to electric –

            Friend 2: …What?

           Friend 1: And my car’s been making a funny noise lately, so I took out the engine and all the bits inside and converted that to electric, too –

            Friend 2: Huh?

          Friend 1: Plus at work the Wi-Fi’s been on the fritz so I hacked into the network and switched us over to a better provider, but it took some time because I had to make sure I.T. didn’t get wind of what I was doing and shut it all down so, you know, hush-hush –

            Friend 2: Wait a minute –

          Friend 1: And right now I’m in the middle of upgrading the city’s hydroelectric dam since the operating system’s at least five years old, plus there’re microcracks all over it that I’m climbing around to seal, although if you ask me we should tear the whole thing down and let Nature be Nature, but I get it, this is providing power for over a million people, so –

            Friend 2: Hold it!

            Friend 1: Yep?

            Friend 2: So, you’re basically saying you’re skipping on tonight?

           Friend 1: (Checks watch while dangling on a rope halfway down the dam) Wow, it’s that late already?  Then yeah, guess we’re gonna have to reschedule – sorry about that, the time just got away from me.

            Friend 2: Yeah, call me when you’re done fixing the world.  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: Will do – oh, hung up.  (Disconnects the call, then resumes playing a video on the phone)

           Video Host: – as you continue in your climb down be sure to take in the magnificent view of the unnatural waterfall this edifice creates, along with the panorama of the glorious countryside around you, for you will never see its like again.

          Friend 1: (Swings around to take in the magnificent and glorious views) Huh – learn something new every day.

Story 257: Never Thought I Would Have an Internet Addiction

            Dear Diary,

            It’s very big of me to admit to you that I have a problem.

          No, not that other problem I last wrote you where I was failing Calc 101 – so sorry I never closed the loop there: turned out I succeeded in failing it, dashed my mathematician dreams in Freshman Year, whatcha gonna do.

          So this problem is a little more… comprehensive, I think is the word I want.  It’s come to my attention recently that I’ve developed a group of habits that I believe can be classified as an addiction (not certain, failed Psych 101 too, this is a best guess), especially since it’s passed the test of “I can stop whenever I want” and I know I really don’t want.  To stop, that is.  It’s not drugs, or even porn (the parentals at least would be relieved about that), but that grand culmination of humanity’s achievements: The Internet.

            And yes, this is a thing (you can become addicted to pretty much anything, sadly).

           Oh, I can imagine a time without it – scratch that, I remember a time without it, I am that old.  I started in small doses, like all the kids do, just for fun, like all the kids do.  Then I wound up needing it to get homework done and then work-work done, so it became a chore.  Then the rest of the world got onboard with it, and now no one can do anything without checking the Web site first.

            I think I can spot the exact moment of my downfall: when I migrated from desktop to laptop.  Being able to stretch out and surf the cyber-waves of cat videos and entertainment updates in the newfound nerds’ paradise has been my utter ruin.

            However, this begs the question: is it so much worse than spending hours watching TV?  Or spending hours talking on the phone?  Or spending hours pondering the meaninglessness of life while cooking, cleaning, and tending to an ungrateful family tree?  At least with my issue, I’m actually reading more than I did when text printed on murdered plants was the only option.

            I am finding it harder and harder to shut it down at night, though.  My brain keeps telling my conscience – or my conscience keeps telling my brain? – “Just one more article” – “Just one more video” – “Just want to check my bank statement” – “Wait a minute, I forgot to send out that e-mail” – “Why did they stop following me???”

            The ironic part is that I’m more in touch with my friends now than I ever was with regular old phone and print correspondence.  Doesn’t that make me less antisocial, hm?

            I lost three hours the other night on a role-playing game, but since I had to work with other (human) players in order for any of us to get anywhere, I would say that is equivalent to and possibly even beats a night of cribbage with the neighbors, wouldn’t you?

            Still, I then lost another three hours catching up on Season 2 of I-can’t-even-remember-what-the-show’s-called.  Does reading reams of fan fiction exploring the nuances of characters hooking up in all ways count as consuming literature?  It sure lasted me until the wee hours, when both the computer and I woke up and realized we had never left the couch.

            Case in point: I’ve interrupted this diary entry six times to check my e-mail and post pictures of my dinner in various stages.  If no one comments on those I’ll just scream, if I hadn’t already moved on to watching a video showing whichever celeb I’m into now disappointing me with their shenanigans, yet again.

            I can’t live off four hours of sleep a night, but I can’t pull myself out of the alluring black hole, either.  After a rough day at work, or a rough day at school, or just a rough day, or even just a day, this is the one thing that soothes me – isn’t that how it usually starts?  Is it the dopamine rush?  Had to replace fulfillment in life with something, I guess.

         Volunteer work?  Quality time with family and friends?  Who has the energy?  Or the inclination?  Not this guy.

            Enough of that – I’ve gotta get back to arguing with myself under different account names on my favorite site’s comments section.  Aaaand I just realized that I may need to talk to someone else besides you about this whole thing.

            Your friend in surreality,

            A Self-Aware Troll