Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 353: There’s an Online Video to Fix ANYTHING

            (Friend 1, at home, is shredding a ream of paper while on the phone)

            Friend 1: …so I said to `em, “While I don’t mind coming in for 15 interviews, I would like a final decision date that’s a little more definite than ‘soon,’ if that’s not too much to ask.”

            Friend 2: (On the phone) I’m guessing it was?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, that got me a hard “No” for sure, but at least I finally got an answer out of them so, you know, victory was mine.  (Papers jam in the shredder) Aw, come on, again?!

            Friend 2: Sounds bad – food processor?

           Friend 1: What?  No, never touch those; it’s a paper shredder.  Guess you just can’t handle 20 sheets a pop, wimp!

            Friend 2: Most can’t.  How bad is it?

           Friend 1: Let’s see…. (Unplugs the shredder from the wall outlet, takes off the lid, flips it over, and begins pulling out tiny bits of paper) Ewwwww, there’s a whole big chunk stuck in the top side I can’t get to.

            Friend 2: Did you unplug it first?

            Friend 1: Of course I – ah!  Ow-ow-ow!

            Friend 2: Oh no, what happened?!

            Friend 1: Gotcha!

            Friend 2: Dork.

            Friend 1: Listen, this is gonna take me hours of meltdowns and I’m probably going to have to send it out for repair or buy a new one anyway, so I’ll call you back later.  The mercury of irritation is rising already, and the blood is beginning to boil.

          Friend 2: You know, you probably can avoid all that if you just go online and find a video showing you how to fix it.

           Friend 1: (Freezes while holding the shredder lid up in the air to bash it on the floor) How’s that?

            Friend 2: People post videos about anything, and there’s a really useful subset that show you how to fix or do or make or destroy pretty much any item you can think of.  It’s how I fixed my toilet that one time; saved me a bundle.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Video-posters can be altruistic after all, eh?

           Friend 2: For stuff like this, surprisingly yes.  You may have to weed through a few, but you usually can find what you need pretty fast if you use the right keywords.  We live in a golden age of technology, it’s mind-boggling.

            Friend 1: You’re not kidding.  I’ll check it out, then – thanks a bunch!

          Friend 2: Sure thing.  Let me know how the patient pulls through.  (Disconnects the call)

LATER

         (Friend 1 is seated on the kitchen floor and watching a video on a laptop while the disassembled shredder is spread all around)

            Video Host: Now make sure you don’t lose this little piece here –

           Friend 1: (Nodding while carefully holding the shredder innards and mirroring the video) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

            Video Host: – and now take your tweezers and zip-zip-zip!  Paper’s all out!

            Friend 1: (Tweezing out paper) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

        Video Host: Now put everything back together, reinsert all the screws – (Time lapse of reinserting screws) – and boom!  All done!

            Friend 1: (Time lapse of reinserting screws) Boom?

          Video Host: Now let’s test it out, shall we?  (Shreds a single piece of paper) There we go!   Would’ve been embarrassing if it hadn’t worked, but that’s what editing is for!

         Friend 1: (Plugs in the shredder, turns it on, and shreds a page) It worked?  It worked!  I actually fixed something real, woo-hoo!  (Hugs the laptop) Thanks, my video friend, you get a “Like” and a “Subscribe”!  (Does so and shuts down the laptop; begins shredding more paper, cackling wildly with each successful page) Aha, jamming shredder, you thought you could defeat ME?!  Take that!  (Feeds a page) And that!  (Feeds a page) And – oh I’m out.  (Unplugs the shredder, then looks around the room) I wonder if there’s something else here that needs fixing…?

TWO DAYS LATER

          Friend 2: (At home, on the phone) Hi, I got your garbled text – are we still meeting up for dinner tonight or what?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, it kind of depends on when I finish here.

            Friend 2: What’re you doing?

          Friend 1: Well, I took your advice the other day and found a video that helped me fix the shredder.

            Friend 2: That’s great!  What a relief; how is it – ?

           Friend 1: Yeah-yeah-yeah, it’s working fine, that’s old news: since I fixed that, I figured why not try a few other things around the place, you know?

            Friend 2: Sure, sure.

           Friend 1: So, I found more videos and finally sealed that gap in the living room window that had such a draft –

            Friend 2: Oh, great!

            Friend 1: Yeah, and the wiring in that one lamp that kept flicking all the time –

            Friend 2: Good, good.

            Friend 1: And the thermostat in the fridge that was all wonky, got that –

            Friend 2: OK.

          Friend 1: And the cracked tiles by the front door, replaced the whole section with laminates –

            Friend 2: OK….

           Friend 1: And the gas line leading to the oven was a bit old, so I took it all out and converted everything to electric –

            Friend 2: …What?

           Friend 1: And my car’s been making a funny noise lately, so I took out the engine and all the bits inside and converted that to electric, too –

            Friend 2: Huh?

          Friend 1: Plus at work the Wi-Fi’s been on the fritz so I hacked into the network and switched us over to a better provider, but it took some time because I had to make sure I.T. didn’t get wind of what I was doing and shut it all down so, you know, hush-hush –

            Friend 2: Wait a minute –

          Friend 1: And right now I’m in the middle of upgrading the city’s hydroelectric dam since the operating system’s at least five years old, plus there’re microcracks all over it that I’m climbing around to seal, although if you ask me we should tear the whole thing down and let Nature be Nature, but I get it, this is providing power for over a million people, so –

            Friend 2: Hold it!

            Friend 1: Yep?

            Friend 2: So, you’re basically saying you’re skipping on tonight?

           Friend 1: (Checks watch while dangling on a rope halfway down the dam) Wow, it’s that late already?  Then yeah, guess we’re gonna have to reschedule – sorry about that, the time just got away from me.

            Friend 2: Yeah, call me when you’re done fixing the world.  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: Will do – oh, hung up.  (Disconnects the call, then resumes playing a video on the phone)

           Video Host: – as you continue in your climb down be sure to take in the magnificent view of the unnatural waterfall this edifice creates, along with the panorama of the glorious countryside around you, for you will never see its like again.

          Friend 1: (Swings around to take in the magnificent and glorious views) Huh – learn something new every day.

Story 257: Never Thought I Would Have an Internet Addiction

            Dear Diary,

            It’s very big of me to admit to you that I have a problem.

          No, not that other problem I last wrote you where I was failing Calc 101 – so sorry I never closed the loop there: turned out I succeeded in failing it, dashed my mathematician dreams in Freshman Year, whatcha gonna do.

          So this problem is a little more… comprehensive, I think is the word I want.  It’s come to my attention recently that I’ve developed a group of habits that I believe can be classified as an addiction (not certain, failed Psych 101 too, this is a best guess), especially since it’s passed the test of “I can stop whenever I want” and I know I really don’t want.  To stop, that is.  It’s not drugs, or even porn (the parentals at least would be relieved about that), but that grand culmination of humanity’s achievements: The Internet.

            And yes, this is a thing (you can become addicted to pretty much anything, sadly).

           Oh, I can imagine a time without it – scratch that, I remember a time without it, I am that old.  I started in small doses, like all the kids do, just for fun, like all the kids do.  Then I wound up needing it to get homework done and then work-work done, so it became a chore.  Then the rest of the world got onboard with it, and now no one can do anything without checking the Web site first.

            I think I can spot the exact moment of my downfall: when I migrated from desktop to laptop.  Being able to stretch out and surf the cyber-waves of cat videos and entertainment updates in the newfound nerds’ paradise has been my utter ruin.

            However, this begs the question: is it so much worse than spending hours watching TV?  Or spending hours talking on the phone?  Or spending hours pondering the meaninglessness of life while cooking, cleaning, and tending to an ungrateful family tree?  At least with my issue, I’m actually reading more than I did when text printed on murdered plants was the only option.

            I am finding it harder and harder to shut it down at night, though.  My brain keeps telling my conscience – or my conscience keeps telling my brain? – “Just one more article” – “Just one more video” – “Just want to check my bank statement” – “Wait a minute, I forgot to send out that e-mail” – “Why did they stop following me???”

            The ironic part is that I’m more in touch with my friends now than I ever was with regular old phone and print correspondence.  Doesn’t that make me less antisocial, hm?

            I lost three hours the other night on a role-playing game, but since I had to work with other (human) players in order for any of us to get anywhere, I would say that is equivalent to and possibly even beats a night of cribbage with the neighbors, wouldn’t you?

            Still, I then lost another three hours catching up on Season 2 of I-can’t-even-remember-what-the-show’s-called.  Does reading reams of fan fiction exploring the nuances of characters hooking up in all ways count as consuming literature?  It sure lasted me until the wee hours, when both the computer and I woke up and realized we had never left the couch.

            Case in point: I’ve interrupted this diary entry six times to check my e-mail and post pictures of my dinner in various stages.  If no one comments on those I’ll just scream, if I hadn’t already moved on to watching a video showing whichever celeb I’m into now disappointing me with their shenanigans, yet again.

            I can’t live off four hours of sleep a night, but I can’t pull myself out of the alluring black hole, either.  After a rough day at work, or a rough day at school, or just a rough day, or even just a day, this is the one thing that soothes me – isn’t that how it usually starts?  Is it the dopamine rush?  Had to replace fulfillment in life with something, I guess.

         Volunteer work?  Quality time with family and friends?  Who has the energy?  Or the inclination?  Not this guy.

            Enough of that – I’ve gotta get back to arguing with myself under different account names on my favorite site’s comments section.  Aaaand I just realized that I may need to talk to someone else besides you about this whole thing.

            Your friend in surreality,

            A Self-Aware Troll