(In
a doctor’s consultation room; it looks like a psychiatrist’s office – but it
isn’t)
Doctor:
(Sitting in an uncomfy chair and addressing Patient, who is lying on the usual
couch and staring intently at the ceiling) So, what brings you here today? (Pen hovers over a notepad, poised at the
ready)
Patient:
Well Doc, I’ve been alive for over three decades and it’s come to my attention
more and more often lately that I’ve not been doing it quite right this whole
time.
Doctor:
(Pauses in taking notes) How do you mean?
Patient:
(Shifts on the couch to face Doctor) Well, for instance, when you brought me in
here you asked, “How are you?” and I said “Oh fine, thanks” and left it at
that. I just now realized I never asked
how you were.
Doctor:
(Chuckles and waves dismissively) Oh, that’s not much – we all do that sometimes,
and today we’re here to talk about you, not me.
Patient:
(Turns to lie back down on the couch) Yes, but it’s common decency and I couldn’t
even think to do it until it was too late not to be awkward. Not the first time by a long shot, either.
Doctor:
(Starts taking notes again) Well, social faux pas are unfortunate but not problematic
in and of themselves. Is there anything similar
that’s bothering you?
Patient:
Yes. Lots of little things like that,
all day, every day. Made me realize… I
don’t know how to human properly.
Doctor:
Oh dear, sorry you feel that way. What’s
another example?
Patient:
Where do I begin? Only the other day,
one of my coworkers mentioned it was their birthday, and I said, “That’s nice,
Happy Birthday,” and then later that afternoon the rest of the department
whipped out a cake, card, and presents!
Doctor:
And?
Patient:
And I didn’t even think to do anything like that! And I’ve been working with this person for
almost 15 years!
Doctor:
Well, we all have our strengths.
Patient:
OK, then how about another coworker who’s having a baby soon, and
someone in a different department said they’d throw a baby shower for her, and
the other day came to me asking if I was planning on chipping in `cause they
hadn’t heard back from me yet!
Doctor:
To be fair, that actually could be a bit presumptuous on their part.
Patient:
I’m the mom-to-be’s supervisor!
Doctor:
Oh.
Patient:
Yes! And when I was asked that, it hit
me that I should’ve been the one arranging the shower from the beginning!
Doctor:
Yes, that is a bit basic. How long have
you been in this role?
Patient:
Three months, why?
Doctor:
You’ll probably be coming across a lot more of these types of situations.
Patient:
(Slumps farther down the couch) Great. I
already have to remind myself when we have visitors to the department that I
should offer them some water or coffee, only because one of my “subordinates”
was kind enough to ask when I left some higher-ups from Corporate just sitting
there while we waited for the CEO.
Doctor:
Ouch.
Patient:
And work’s not the half of it: I don’t even know how to act around my own
family and friends sometimes.
Doctor:
How so?
Patient:
Well, when anything major comes up like a wedding, or a graduation, or a Bar
Mitzvah, or a funeral, I find myself completely at a loss what to do, what to
say, where to go, how to act, who to tip!
And everything I do think of to say to the guest of honor or the bereaved
winds up sounding completely asinine!
And the few times I even think of it, how do I know when it’s appropriate
for me to send over food?!
Doctor:
This is all sounding very much like social anxiety.
Patient:
I’d agree with you, but I come across the same… block, around people I’m
comfortable with! I’ve had a best friend
since infancy, and when they told me the other day they’re going through a
rough time all I could do was “Uh-huh” and trickle off the conversation because
I had absolutely no idea what to say!
Doctor:
You could’ve just listened.
Patient:
(Turns back to Doctor) You see! Everyone
knows stuff like this instinctively, but I always have to be told everything
and hope I remember it in time! There’s
something wrong with me, Doc – I missed out on the instruction manual on how to
be a human being!
Doctor:
(Finishes notes with a flourish) Well, you may be somewhat lacking in empathy
and maturity and common sense in many instances, but this seems to be more of a
case of ignorance and laziness rather than complete sociopathy. (Patient double-takes as Doctor walks to the
desk, takes what appears to be a smart phone out of a container, and begins
entering settings on it) This is an excellent opportunity to test out a device
I’ve been trying to patent – you can be my first human subject. (Hands the device to Patient)
Patient:
(Stares at the many features on the screen) What do I do with this?
Doctor:
Think of it as a customized search engine: whenever you come across a social
situation you don’t know how to respond to, just select the appropriate scenario
and a whole bunch of suggested phrases and behaviors will display.
Patient:
(Taps the icon for “Loss of Pet,” then sees “Friend,” “Relative,” “Acquaintance,”
“Coworker,” “Supervisor,” “Subordinate,” and “Stranger,” taps “Friend,” then
sees “Close Friend,” “Casual Friend,” “Social Media Friend,” “Potential Main
Squeeze (Awaiting Confirmation),” taps “Casual Friend,” then sees “Say: ‘So
sorry to hear about your fur baby/pet/companion’ – Do: Send pet loss sympathy
card and/or make a donation to the local animal shelter (if pet’s name/species is
unknown, skip second part).”) Wow.
Doctor:
I tried to make the algorithm as thorough as possible, so please let me know if
I overlooked anything – it’s officially in beta testing now.
Patient:
(Stands) Thanks, this should be really helpful!
Doctor:
I hope so – come back in two weeks and let me know, would you?
ONE
WEEK LATER
(Patient
arrives at a hospital as a visitor, carrying a small basket of baby supplies)
Patient:
(Knocks on an open door of a room in Maternity and enters with a wide smile) “Hiiiii!!!!”
Coworker:
(Sitting in bed and holding a newborn baby) Oh, hi! Thank you so much for coming to visit!
Patient:
“Of course!” (Holds up the basket for a
moment before setting it on a nearby table) “Since I missed out on the shower….”
Coworker:
(Laughs) Aw, thanks, I missed out, too!
(To the baby) You were in quite the hurry there, little one!
Patient:
(Surreptitiously glances down at the device peeking out of a jeans pocket and
taps a button; immediately goes to the sink and washes hands) “Almost forgot!”
Coworker:
Oh, would you like to hold the baby?
Patient:
(Freezes a bit while drying hands) …“Sure!”
(Gently cradles the baby in arms and sits down slowly in a nearby chair;
stares down at the baby while struggling to remember phrases) “Has your eyes”…?
Coworker:
You think so?
Patient:
(Looks closer at the baby and back at Coworker) Maybe more your hair.
Coworker:
Certainly has a ton of it!
Patient:
(Looks back down at the baby, who starts to fidget) “Oops, I think we want
Mommy back!” (Gently hands the baby back
to Coworker and slides the device out of the pocket a bit again, glancing down)
“So, when are they gonna spring you two from here, eh?”
Coworker:
(Distracted by the cooing baby, then looks back up at Patient) Hm, sorry?
Patient:
Um…. (Scratches head and leans forward slightly to cover up looking at the
device again) “Did they say you and the baby can go home soon?”
Coworker:
Oh, probably tomorrow, so that’ll be nice.
Patient:
(Nods) “Uh-huh.” “Nice.”
(Coworker’s
Partner enters with two cups of water; Patient quickly stands)
Partner:
Oh hi, thanks for coming by!
Patient:
(Shakes hands after the cups are set down) “Of course!” “Congratulations, you two!” (Mini-waves at the baby) Three! “I’ll let you all enjoy each other’s company
now, buh-bye!” (Washes hands again and
backs toward the door)
Coworker:
Thanks again for coming, and for the supplies, we’ll definitely need them!
Partner:
(Sees the basket on the table) Oh yeah, thanks a lot!
Patient:
(Still backing toward the door) “No worries!” Um…. “Good fortune!”… Um… yeah, bye. (Runs away)
Partner:
(Smiles at Coworker and the baby) Seems nice.
Coworker:
Yeah. A little awkward sometimes, but
improving.
ONE
WEEK LATER
(In
Doctor’s consultation room – the two are in the same positions as before)
Doctor:
Well?
Patient:
(Beaming while holding up the device) It.
Was. Amazing! I was hardly ever at a loss for words; I
almost always knew exactly what to do in almost any situation; and even when I
stumbled or made a “Whoopsie!”, this thing always guided me back on track!
Doctor:
(Taking notes) Excellent. Your feedback
is invaluable during the testing phase for this to be accepted as a legitimate
medical treatment.
Patient:
Great! Would you mind if I kept it for a
little longer, then?
Doctor:
How much longer do you think you need?
Patient:
Probably the rest of my life.
Doctor:
That’s fine; I have several more test devices to distribute and the prototype
stays with me, so you can keep that one forever if you like.
Patient:
Yessss!!! (Briefly hugs device to chest)
You don’t know how much this has helped me; I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s
changed my life!
Doctor:
That’s good to hear – it’s always nice to know technology can be used for good without
the potential for gaining sentience and taking over the world.
Patient:
…Yeah, that too.
Doctor:
Oh, one more thing. (Goes to the desk,
opens a drawer, and hands a piece of paper to Patient)
Patient:
(Peers at the form) What’s this?
Doctor:
Since you’ll be keeping the device, once the patent is inevitably approved this’ll
be the monthly bill. (Patient looks up
in shock) I’m sure your insurance will cover at least part of it.
Patient:
(Rapidly navigates through the device) “As a voluntary test subject, all equipment
and medications involved in the study are perpetually provided free of charge!” (Triumphantly holds out the device and mic-drops
it onto the couch)
Doctor:
Wow, that thing really does work in all scenarios. I’ll make a note to increase my royalty
demands.
