Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 453: Failed Inspection Fallout

             (In a Motor Vehicles inspection bay, Friend 1 and Friend 2 wait in a nearby roped-off area)

Friend 1: So, we’re making pretty good time today, I think.  Sorry you had to come with me to drop off the loaner and pick up the old girl – (Gestures to the car currently getting a physical by a technician) from the repair shop, but at least we can go to the beach right from here instead of having to take the extra time to come back and pick you up and then go.  We should get a spot right on the ocean at this rate.

Friend 2: (Typing a work e-mail on the phone to pass the time) Uh-huh.  You know you could’ve avoided all that if you’d brought the car in for inspection earlier in the month instead of leaving it last-minute, yes?

Friend 1: It is not last-minute; I’ve got a whole `nother week before the sticker expires!  And I was going to bring it in earlier, but life happened, and then the Service Engine light decided to make its stage debut – couldn’t exactly leave that on, bold as brass, when I brought it here, now could I?

Friend 2: And then the shop found about six other things that needed to be replaced a year ago.

Friend 1: It was still safe to drive!

Friend 2: Yeah, a year ago.  You’ve had so many parts replaced, your car’s turning into the Ship of Theseus.

Friend 1: I… don’t know anyone named Theseus, what?

Friend 2: (Finishes the e-mail and finally turns to Friend 1) It’s a paradox: Theseus with the minotaur and the labyrinth and abandoning Ariadne who helped him with all that  –

Friend 1: Oh yeah, that dude.

Friend 2: – had a ship that took him around for those shenanigans, but gradually every single plank was replaced so at some point, could you say that the ship was even the original ship anymore?

Friend 1: (Tilts head to think) …In spirit?

Friend 2: Forget it; bottom line is, you’ve had so many repairs done that you probably should trade it in before it gets any worse.

Friend 1: You hush your mouth – it still runs fine, and I just got brand-new brakes and semi-brand-new what’s-it arms and sort-of new windshield wipers and passably new tires so it’s absolutely perfect right now exactly the way it is!

(Technician slaps a “REJECTED” sticker on the car’s windshield; Friend 1’s head whips around at the sound and unblinkingly stares at the glaring red-and-black notice)

Friend 1: [Deadly silence]

Friend 2: (In a low voice) Uh-oh….

Friend 1: [Deadly silence]

Technician: (To Friend 1) Can I speak to you for a few moments, please?

Friend 1: (To Friend 2, in a semi-choked voice) Would you excuse me while I deal with this travesty?

Friend 2: Just remember to breathe.

Friend 1: Yessss s’mother.  (Exits the waiting area and passes the car, patting the hood lightly as it weeps) There-there, baby – Momma’s gonna get this allll straightened out.  (To Technician) Yes, my good state worker, what seems to be the confusion here?

Technician: You’re gonna have to bring the car back for inspection.  (Hands over several forms) Read the pamphlet, follow the instructions, and bring the car back after you’ve completed a drive cycle.

Friend 1: Forgive my diminished mental comprehension that apparently has struck me all of a sudden, but at the moment your words bear little meaning to me – this car is in perfect condition; better, even, since I literally just drove it in from the repair shop!

Technician: Well, that’s the problem.

Friend 1: But the wonderful service techs there repaired it so beautifully!

Technician: I’m sure they did, but they also shut off the battery which reset the on-board diagnostic system and now we can’t do a reading on it for the inspection.

Friend 1: Those jerks!

Technician: The battery’s always turned off so they don’t get electrocuted while working on the car.

Friend 1: I retract my slander.  So now what?

Technician: Like I said, read the pamphlet so you know what to do to complete a drive cycle – you can check your car’s manual, too – and bring it back for inspection after that’s done.  You get an extra month for it to pass.  (Friend 1 stares blankly at the forms) OK?  Can you leave now so we can continue with the miles-long line that we get here all day every day?

Friend 1: (Looks up blankly) Huh?  Oh.  Right…. (Blankly gets into the car, buckles up, and nearly drives away)

Friend 2: (Scrambles out of the waiting area and into the passenger seat) Hold-on-hold-on-hold-on – (Manages to buckle up as Friend 1 speeds out of the inspection bay and autopilots through the traffic jam leaving the parking lot) You gonna be all right?  Want me to drive us to the beach?

Friend 1: (Stopped at a traffic light) It failed?  I’ve never failed inspection in my entire driving life…. (Pats the dashboard soothingly as the car momentarily stalls) It’s OK, baby, it’s not your fault.

Friend 2: Are you talking to the car?

Friend 1: (Suddenly snaps out of it as the light turns green and they continue on the road) Wait a minute, it’s not my fault, either!  Why didn’t anyone at the shop tell me to wait before taking the car in for inspection?!

Friend 2: Probably because no else does that.

Friend 1: I can’t be the only one!  And the sticker’s right there, date and all!  (Gestures with one hand at the inspection sticker, notices the “DETCEJER” above it, and shakes fist at it) And now I’ve got a modern-day scarlet letter!  Word.

Friend 2: I don’t think it’s their job to monitor your inspection schedule.

Friend 1: Well – then – I am going to write them a very sternly worded SUGGESTION!

Friend 2: Splendid.  The beach is in the opposite direction, by the way.

Friend 1: FIDDLESTICKS!  (Plows through a U-turn while yelling out the window) Out of the way!  I’m driving a failed-inspection car so I’ve got nothing to lose!

Friend 2: (Head buried in hands to block the view) Please let us make it there in one piece.

(At the beach, Friend 2 is reading a book while relaxed in a chair under the umbrella while Friend 1, sitting on a blanket, agitatedly reads the failed-inspection paperwork while scrolling through a phone)

Friend 2: You know, the sun is shining brightly, the beach is basically clean, the ocean is beautifully crashing itself onto the shore, the out-of-school children and their adults are mostly behaving themselves, and you’re not taking in any of it because of one minor inconvenience.

Friend 1: (Turns slowly in horror to Friend 2) “Inconvenience”?  “Minor”?

Friend 2: Yeah – I read the papers on the way here and you really only have to drive the car on the highway a bit, stop-and-go a few times, and let it sit overnight; you’re practically there now, I bet.

Friend 1: Did you also read the part where I can still receive a citation if I let it go past the end of this month?!

Friend 2: (Eyebrows knot in confusion) Don’t remember that – it said you have until the end of next month now, where’s you see that other bit?

Friend 1: Here!  (Holds up the phone showing the Motor Vehicles’ site detailing failed inspections) The scarlet word won’t save me – I can get pulled over and thrown into jail at any moment!

Friend 2: Hardly – you’d probably just get fined.

Friend 1: Not feeling better!

Friend 2: (Starts burying feet in the sand) Face it, you’re just upset because you failed something that basically was avoidable if the timing was better and you’d known what might happen, and you now have to spend extra time, money, and gas to have it resolved.

Friend 1: (Returns to reading the forms) Those facts are not in dispute.  (Lowers the papers with a sudden slam) And now I have to wait on that super-long line AGAIN!

Friend 2: (Shrugs while sipping water) Go early in the morning.

Friend 1: And sacrifice my sleep?!  (Gasps) And what if it FAILS again?!  What am I gonna do then?!  How many times can I fail inspection before something happens?!  (Suddenly stands and runs into the ocean) This whole week is ruined!  (Dives into the water and starts punching the waves as fellow beachgoers cheer)

Friend 2: (Returns to reading the book) Your own worst enemy – ooh, the butler actually did do it, should’ve known that was coming.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In the Motor Vehicles inspection bay, the car is being reinspected as Friend 1 bites nails while standing in the waiting area)

Technician: (Scrapes off the stickers and adds a new one dated two years in the future) You’re all set – have a good day!

Friend 1: (Yanks nails out of mouth) Wait – that’s it?

Technician: Yep!  And as an added bonus, since it’s barely 7 in the morning I’m happy for you for the next five minutes!

Friend 1: (Leaves the waiting area) No, wait, you probably don’t remember me from last week –

Technician: Nope!

Friend 1: (Hands over papers) My car failed inspection then, so these said I have to bring them back now – isn’t there something else that needs to be done for this, like balloons and streamers or something?

Technician: Sure.  (Takes the papers, crumbles them into a ball, and tosses that into a nearby trash can) Sweet!  Three points!  (Turns back to Friend 1) Seriously: get outta here now.

Friend 1: OK, thanks!  (Dives into the car and speeds off)

Technician: (Turns back to face the entrance to the bay; smile drops when seeing the ginormous line that was not there several minutes ago) And so it continues….

Friend 1: (Driving back home, rubs the dashboard soothingly) It’s all right, it’s over now…. (Cell phone rings; Friend 1 answers it on speaker) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Voice) So, what’s the verdict?  Pass or fail again?

Friend 1: How’d you know I’d’ve been there and had it done by now?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Smug.  It passed, woo-hoo!

Friend 2: Thank goodness – now we can all breathe in peace.

Friend 1: Oh hardy-ha-ha, you’re no help whatsoever.

Friend 2: Hey, I was there the first time!  Only because we had plans for later, but still.

Friend 1: Yeah, yeah.  Anyway, you’ll be relieved to know the Ship of Theseus is still sailing smoothly; I have a new sticker that will ward off the well-intentioned monitors for the next two years; and – (Eyes cut over to the dashboard) and –

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: AND THE SERVICE ENGINE LIGHT’S BACK ON AGAIN!

Friend 2: At least it waited until after the inspection this time.

Friend 1: True.