(In a ground floor apartment)
Tenant: (Stretched out on the living room couch with a laptop and speaking on a cell phone) I know you would like the project done by this afternoon, but I’m about to disillusion you of your unfeasible dream…. Not possible – earliest will be next Tuesday, and that’s being unreasonably optimistic…. (Picks up a drink that was sitting on the floor next to the couch, slurps through the straw, shakes head, and sets the drink back down) This isn’t me being difficult; this is reality asserting its dominance over your fantasy of an automated human workforce…. And I’m sure you can be replaced by A.I. as well, but – (A resounding CRASH! is heard outside the living room window; Tenant jumps in the seat and nearly drops the phone and the laptop) Holy all-the-curse-words-I can-think-of! (Sets aside the laptop to get off the couch) ….I have no idea! I’ll have to call you back…. When I have time!... `K boss; bye. (Ends the call and tosses the phone onto the couch, then peers through the window to see a giant, broken wardrobe sitting on the common lawn in front of that section of apartments) What in the world – ? (A dining room table CRASH!es next to the wardrobe and splinters apart) A crime! I’m actually witnessing a crime in progress! (Several movers approach from the parking lot and start breaking apart the furniture and hauling away the pieces; Tenant opens the window and sticks head out) Hey! Did a moving truck get sucked up into a tornado and explode overhead?
Mover 1: (Pauses the disassembly) Sorry?
Tenant: What on Earth is going on here?!
Mover 1: Oh, your upstairs neighbor moved away so we’re just cleaning out the place.
Tenant: By cannon?!
Mover 1: Huh?
Tenant: You can’t just fling furniture out the window to get rid of it!
Mover 1: Why not?
Tenant: (Sputters) Be-be-because it’s dangerous!
Mover 1: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.
Mover 2: (Above them on the upstairs neighbor’s balcony) Heads-up!
Mover 1: (Looks up briefly, then back down to Tenant) Excuse me. (Steps aside along with the other movers as a refrigerator crashes nearby) See?
Tenant: Argh! (Slams the window shut, runs outside to where the movers are, and looks up to Mover 2 on the balcony above, who is about to toss a piano overboard) HEY!
Mover 2: Oh hey, what’s up?
Tenant: You can’t be throwing furniture off the balcony, you could hurt somebody!
Mover 2: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system. (To the movers below) Heads-up! (They step aside as Mover 2 hauls up the piano)
Tenant: (Holds up arms) Whoa-whoa-wait-stop!
Mover 2: (Rests the piano on the balcony railing)Yeah, sure, what’s up?
Tenant: No more throwing enormous objects to the ground! Use the stairs to bring down stuff like a decent human being!
Mover 2: Yeah, we thought of that, but this way’s faster. (Tips the piano over the railing and it CRASH!es to the ground to the tune of all the notes)
Tenant: (Cringes with arms flung overhead during the crash) What is wrong with you?!
Mover 2: (Stretches arms and back) I think I’m all good, but thanks for asking. (Goes back inside the apartment)
Tenant: (Nearly hopping with rage) Ooooooohhhhh!!!
Mover 1: (As the others cart away the broken furniture) That was it for us today – we’ll toss the bed and entertainment system tomorrow.
Tenant: No-no-no! No more tossing! You could’ve hurt one of my neighbors! Or me!
Mover 1: Nobody’s been around here for the last half hour, and you were indoors until now.
Tenant: Not the point! Someone could’ve walked by and been hit by furniture debris – you can’t account for everything! (Sees the others getting into a truck parked next to the dumpster) And you can’t just leave all that garbage piled next to the dumpster!
Mover 1: Why not? It’s garbage. (Leaves as Mover 2 walks by carrying a laundry rack)
Mover 2: (To hyperventilating Tenant) See you tomorrow, yeah? (Tosses the rack onto the furniture pile and climbs into the truck)
Tenant:
(Quivering in helpless fury as the truck drives away) …I’M TELLING!
THE
NEXT DAY
(Tenant is working on the laptop again, but instead of being spread out on the couch is seated in a chair keeping watch with binoculars at the living room window when the cell phone rings)
Tenant: (Turns away from the window to answer the call) WHAT?!... No, I haven’t started working on that yet, it’s been raining furniture around here lately and I’m on guard for when the next storm shows up!... Well, not much seems to make sense to you, does it! (There is a knock at the door) …Great, they probably came back and you made me miss them in action, thanks a lot!... (Stands and walks to the door) …Yes, I know my annual employee evaluation is due this week; I fail to understand its relevance to this conversation. Speaking of which – (Ends the call, throws the phone onto the couch, and flings opens the door) YES?!
Owner: Hi – I own the unit above yours and got a call from the association that you submitted a complaint about furniture being dropped outside your window?
Tenant: YES?!
Owner: Well, I’d like to apologize on their behalf – I’m taking care of the mess and it won’t happen again. I heard you were very, very, very upset, and I wanted to smooth everything over so we stay on good terms.
Tenant: (Blinks several times) No worries – lucky for you, I’m a very easygoing person.
