Story 589: Conference Encounter, Part 1

            (At a professional conference, attendees are eating buffet breakfast at round tables in another room at the venue before the day’s sessions begin)

Attendee 1: (Sitting across from Attendee 2 at an otherwise-unoccupied table, with an untouched bowl of cereal) I’m not gonna to lodge a complaint or anything – maybe mention it if they send a survey – but when you go to take a shower, and see one of the hotel’s freshly laundered washcloths already has a mystery stain on it… just makes you question everything.

Attendee 2: (Stares thoughtfully at Attendee 1 for a few moments) You know, I really wish you hadn’t told me that right before I was about to eat this bagel.  (Drops a buttered bagel back onto the plate)

Attendee 1: (Looks down at the bagel, then back at Attendee 2) Sorry.

(Attendee 3, carrying an overnight bag, starts to pass by the table but suddenly stops on seeing the other two)

Attendee 3: OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Startled, Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look up at Attendee 3) It’s the Corporate Crew, I can’t believe it!  (Swoops in and embraces Attendee 2)

Attendee 2: Hiiiiiii...? (Over Attendee 3’s back, desperately mouths “Who is this?!” to Attendee 1, who shrugs with a baffled look)

Attendee 3: (Pulls away from Attendee 2 and turns to embrace Attendee 1) It’s been what, three years now?  Four?

Attendee 1: (In mid-embrace, darts a panicked look at Attendee 2, who grimaces in defeat) Heh-heh-heh?

Attendee 3: (Pulls back, beaming broadly at both) This is so great.  I love seeing people I used to work with at these events, don’t you?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Yeah….

Attendee 3: Well, I just got here this morning, so I’m gonna go grab some breakfast – mind if I sit with you guys?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Sure….

Attendee 3: Great!  (Drops the overnight bag onto the floor next to the table) Please watch my stuff for a minute – I’ll be right back, and then we can catch up!  Oh, you two want anything?  (They both shake their heads) All righty – bye!  (Practically skips to the buffet table)

Attendee 1: (Whispers as both lean toward each other) I think we should go to the conference room and get seats, now!

Attendee 2: (Also whispers) Don’t be rude!  Besides, we’ll all be in the same room for the next eight hours – how’d we ever avoid the shame?

Attendee 1: So you remember who that person is?

Attendee 2: Not a clue – you?

Attendee 1: Absolutely not.  Maybe they weren’t in Corporate that long?

Attendee 2: I dunno; sure sounded like we all were best buddies for ages.

Attendee 1: I must be getting old – I forget names sometimes, but I have never forgotten a face this badly before in my entire life!

Attendee 2: I’m right there with you; maybe we should just shove dignity aside and ask –

Attendee 1: (Looks up suddenly) Hiiiiiiii!

Attendee 3: (Has returned with lots of plates full of pastries and a cup of coffee balanced on top, and sits between Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Hey there!  Thanks for saving me a seat, ahahaha!  (Sits and starts digging into the food) Sooooo – how’s it been since I left our alma mater, hm?

Attendee 2: It’s been… (Looks at Attendee 1, who is worrying a pulled thread on the tablecloth) the usual.

Attendee 3: HA!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look at each other in confusion) Anyway, how’s our favorite VP doing, at least?

Attendee 1: Which… one…?

Attendee 3: Heh-heh, you know!  (Slyly nudges Attendee 1 with an elbow, making the latter’s arm slip off the table where it was leaning; to Attendee 2 while jerking a thumb at Attendee 1) Always a kidder, this one!

Attendee 2: (Staring at Attendee 1 who is trying to regain balance on the chair) Yeah, always.  (Leans over a bit to unobtrusively check Attendee 3’s name tag on lanyard but it is flipped over)

Attendee 3: (Finishing up another plate) Well, I just gotta say, I’m glad I got outta there when I did, but I miss most of the people there, especially you two!  (Reaches out to rub Attendee 1’s and Attendee 2’s shoulders on either side) We had some great times in the workplace trenches there, right?

Attendee 1: (Smoothly ducks away from Attendee 3’s hand) I’m sure someone did.

Attendee 3: (Claps hands in glee) Ooh, I know!  We should all meet up for dinner sometime!

Attendee 2: Ah….

Attendee 1: Well….

Attendee 3: Yes!  That way, we can reminisce for hours!

Attendee 2: Actually –

Event Coordinator: (Standing near a doorway) All right everybody, start heading over to the conference room and take a seat, we are starting in – (Checks watch) four minutes, and not a second later!

Attendee 3: (Downs the rest of the coffee) Whelp, guess that’s our cue!  I’ll grab us some seats in the way back of the room, wink-wink!  (Winks exaggeratedly at both while grabbing the bag, plates, and cup) Oh, do you want me to take your stuff?  (Gestures at the uneaten cereal and bagel)

Attendee 2: No thanks, we’ll work on them inside.

Attendee 3: Always the multitasker, eh?

Attendee 2: …You know me.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you in a bit!  (Trots away)

Attendee 1: (As everyone gets up and starts heading to the conference room) I don’t think I can take eight hours of this.  Plus lunch!

Attendee 2: Well, maybe one of us’ll remember the name before then, and mystery solved.  Doesn’t seem like someone who’d be that forgettable, right?

LUNCH

(As the attendees gather back in the dining area)

Attendee 3: Well, I certainly learned a lot today; how about you two?

Attendee 2: (Eyes glazed over) Hm?  Oh, yeah, a little.

Attendee 2: I learned that an engaging speaker makes all the difference.

Attendee 3: (Cackles wildly) Always with the jokes!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 give each other dazed looks) Well, I’m gonna go check in downstairs and hope the room is ready so I can drop this load off – (Pats the overnight bag) you mind grabbing us a table and I’ll meet you when I get back?

Attendee 2: Sure.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you soon, buds!  (Zips out of the room)

Attendee 2: (As both start looking for empty seats at a table) So, any luck with the memory game?

Attendee 1: Not a jot.  For a second around Hour 2 I thought maybe I had it, but then realized I was thinking of my cousin so, no.

Attendee 2: Drat.

(Event Coordinator and Attendee 4 walk up to them)

Event Coordinator: Hi there, conference veterans!

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: (In the same familiar, tired tone) Heeeeeey.

Event Coordinator: So, seems to be another good conference this year, right?

Attendee 1: Yeah, I like it better than the one last year.

Attendee 4: Right, last year we had the breakout sessions and had to make all those posters and –

Attendee 1: (Shudders) Please: I had successfully blocked that from my mind until now.

Event Coordinator: (To Attendee 2) You still finding these things boring as anything?

Attendee 2: Well, I wouldn’t say “boring”, just not really applicable to my job and it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at a certain point, that’s all.

Event Coordinator: I’d agree, except this year I’m the one who has to make sure the speakers’ slides are all displaying and the microphone’s working and everyone’s where they’re supposed to be, sooooo... yeah.  Gotta keep alert on this one.

Attendee 2: I hear ya.

Event Coordinator: Well, enough of that.  On a happier note, I see you two’ve been having a good time with our former coworker today.

(Attendee 4 nods in agreement; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare back blankly)

Attendee 2: …I’m sorry, you’re former coworker?

Event Coordinator: Oh yeah, that one worked in our organization’s Corporate office about three or four years ago; moved on to another company, but stayed in the field and still shows up at these events every so often.  Surprised they didn’t come over and say “Hi”, but we’ve been a bit busy today so it’s understandable.

Attendee 1: So, are you saying that they used to work at your organization, and now is who-knows-where?

Event Coordinator: Sounds like it. 

Attendee 4: I thought maybe they were working at your organization, since you all seemed so, well, chummy.

Attendee 2: (Staring into the middle distance) No; no I’m almost positive we’ve never met before today….

Event Coordinator: Well, one of the goals of these conferences is professional networking anyway, so making new contacts is always a good thing.  (Looks toward the front of the room where an attendee is waving wildly for the former’s attention) Oh, I think I’m being told we have to start the business meeting soon.  (Turns back to Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Nice seeing you two again – enjoy lunch! 

Attendee 4: And tell your new friend we said “Hi!”

(Laughs while both walk over to the main table where lots of papers and awards await; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare at nothing for a few moments)

Attendee 1: Well, this is awkward.

Attendee 2: Yep.

Attendee 1: Should we say something about it?

Attendee 2: Nope.

Attendee 1: Why not?

Attendee 2: Because there is no recovery from this kind of embarrassment.

Story 310: Why Is No One Here As Stressed Out As I Am?!

            (In an office)

           Coworker 1: (Reading an e-mail) Oh no… oh no-no-no-no-no – this can’t be happening – what are we going to do – this can’t be happening – (Stands on top of the desk to address the sea of cubicles using a megaphone) Attention everyone, stop what you’re doing, we have a Code Red situation happening right now!  (Almost everyone casually looks up at Coworker 1; the rest continue with whatever it was they were doing) We all just got an e-mail that Corporate is coming, and we are nowhere near meeting regulatory requirements to pass any kind of inspection!  Nowhere!  Near!  Meeting!

            Coworker 2: (At a nearby cubicle) Oh, that e-mail?  They probably won’t even come to this department.

            Coworker 1: (Aims megaphone at Coworker 2) What kind of attitude is that to bring to the workplace?!  (Directs megaphone back to the rest of the office) All right, employees!  We need a complete inventory and thorough policy review done, ASAP and stat!

            Coworker 3: (Standing up and walking away) I’m going for a coffee break – anyone wanna join? (Ten others stand up and they all head for the break room)

            Coworker 1: (Directing the megaphone at their backs and then in a sweeping 360° to address the whole room) Does no one here comprehend the seriousness of the situation?!  Corporate, people, Cor-por-ate!  Our work parents!  Have any of you even thought within the past two years to dust your workstations and disinfect every surface you touch, hm?  Or inspect the fire alarms and the fire extinguishers?  How many of you keep food tucked away in the file cabinet drawers – forget that, are your files even filed properly?!

            Coworker 4: We have file cabinets?  I just keep everything on the server.

            Coworker 1: And what is your back-up if the server crashes, I ask you?!

            Coworker 4: Umm… the back-up server?

          Coworker 1: And if that also crashes?  Or gets hacked?  Or there’s a power surge and gigabytes of data are just gone, all gone?!

          Coworker 4: Umm…. Then I think the company’d have bigger problems by then and we’d probably all be out of a job so what’s the point?

            Coworker 1: Apathy!  Sloth!  That’s what leads to chaos and ruin and empires falling!

         Coworker 5: (Stands at desk) Hey everybody, it’s time for the downstairs receptionist’s retirement party!

             Coworker 6: Yay, cake!  (Another 20 people leave)

            Coworker 1: (Directing the megaphone at their backs) Wait a minute, you can’t leave now, we haven’t even gotten our emergency procedure manual in order yet, it hasn’t been updated in years!  And that cake better not have been sitting out for more than five minutes or else that’s a violation of Section 33.A.17 of the Infection Control Policy!

          Manager: (Wearing shorts and a T-shirt, zooms over to Coworker 1’s cubicle in a scooter) Hey, get down from there.

           Coworker 1: Sorry.  (Finally turns off the megaphone and jumps down to the floor) Don’t you worry about the Corporate visit today: I’m all over it.

           Manager: Yeah, about that – (Sips from a frozen drink) that e-mail was more of an FYI to everybody just so you’re aware they’re coming today; we’ve already gone through everything to make sure policies are updated and all that.

             Coworker 1: Oh.  But what about the lackadaisical behavior I’m seeing all around me?

            Manager: The managers’ll handle Corporate when they get here, and everyone else knows to be on their best behavior.  They’ll get here around 2:00, so maybe take the rest of the day off – there won’t be any work for you to do then, and it won’t affect your internship if you do a half day today.

          Coworker 1: But how will I ever learn anything if I’m not immersed in all aspects of the business milieu?

             Manager: (While zooming away) You’ll learn soon enough.

Story 281: Black Market Vacation Hours

            (In an office)

            Co-Worker 1: (To Co-Worker 2) Psst!  Did you read the e-mail from Corporate yet?

            Co-Worker 2: (Continuously types) Which one?  There’ve been thousands.

            Co-Worker 1: You know, the one they just sent about our vacation hours?

            Co-Worker 2: The one that basically said “Use `em or lose `em”?

            Co-Worker 1: Yes!  How could they do that to us?!

            Co-Worker 2: What, tell us to take our earned vacation time?  What scumbags.

            Co-Worker 1: You know what I mean: not letting us accrue any more time off and then taking it away if we don’t use it!  That’s unconstitutional!

           Co-Worker 2: I doubt the Founding Fathers wrote in a provision for paid time off in the late 18^th century.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, it’s gotta at least be illegal now!

            Co-Worker 2: Sadly, no; that’s why they’re called “benefits,” not “requirements.”

           Co-Worker 1: (While spinning in chair) WhatmIgonnadoooooo?  I have over 500 hours built up in my bank!

            Co-Worker 2: …Take a vacation?

            Co-Worker 1: (Stops spinning to collapse on the desk) You’re hilarious.  I can’t take a day off until maybe September, and only if everything goes according to plan.

           Co-Worker 2: Well, that’s a sad commentary on the state of present-day American workers.  (Suddenly stops typing to face Co-Worker 1 and speak in a low voice) If you have absolutely no intention of using at least 90% of your hours, would you be interested in making some money off them instead?

            Co-Worker 1: (Head still is smushed onto the desk) I can’t: I already bought back a day for perfect attendance, and I can’t donate any more to the sick leave pool, I might actually need some of those at this point.

            Co-Worker 2: I’m not talking about that.  (Writes a name and number on a card and slides it under Co-Worker 1’s face) Call this person.

            Co-Worker 1: (Sits up and holds out the card to stare at it) Who is this, someone from Human Resources?

            Co-Worker 2: No, they’re with Maintenance, but they have the answer you need.

            Co-Worker 1: That sound suspiciously vague, but I’m desperate enough to fall for it.

         (Several hours later, Co-Worker 1 looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then dials the number)

            Voice: Maintenance.

            Co-Worker 1: (Loudly whispers) Hi, I was given this number by… a friend….

            Voice: You guys got a leak in the ceiling or something?

           Co-Worker 1: N-no, it’s just, well, I have a lot of time (Winks exaggeratedly) on my hands (Winks again) that I need to do something about (Winks some more).

            Voice: Listen, I can’t hear you winking over the phone, but make any excuse and get down to the Boiler Room in 15 minutes.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Winks again, then shakes head)

            Voice: One more thing: what’s a ballpark figure of time we’re talking about here?

            Co-Worker 1: (Lowers voice more) Oh, I don’t know, something around… 572.39.

            Voice: Holy moly, do you sleep here or something?!

            Co-Worker 1: That’s none of your business!  (Slams down receiver, then grimaces) I forgot to ask where the Boiler Room is.

           (A little more than fifteen minutes later, Co-Worker 1 arrives at the Boiler Room; several other employees are waiting in the hallway near the door)

           Co-Worker 1: (Nodding at them all while passing, not recognizing a single one) Afternoon.  (Knocks on the door, which opens after several seconds)

            Engineer: Yes?

            Co-Worker 1: Hello, I believe we spoke on the phone approximately 15 minutes ago – (Winks exaggeratedly)

           Engineer: Get in here.  (Pulls in Co-Worker 1 by the collar and yanks the door shut as the other employees start to rush it)

            Co-Worker 1: Are they – ?

            Engineer: Customers, yeah.  Had to get the word out while you’re still on the hook before you change your mind and back out.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?

          Engineer: Sit down.  (Points to a chair in front of a desk; they both sit on opposite sides as Engineer starts working on a laptop that has a large number of cords coming out of it) So, how many of these hours are you willing to part with?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, um, let me see, I haven’t thought of an actual number, this is all happening so fast – (Sees Engineer glaring) I suppose I could keep a week’s worth and give up the rest.

            Engineer (Nods and types) What’s your employee number?

            Co-Worker 1: Uh, heh-heh, I remember way back at orientation they said we’re not supposed to tell anyone that….

            Engineer: I need it to get into H.R.’s database and divvy up your hours.

         Co-Worker 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute, are you actually (Whispers) hacking into H.R.’s database?

           Engineer: How else did you think was gonna work?  (Gestures to the room) Does this look like the H.R. office?

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know, I thought maybe this would be under the table or something.

            Engineer: This is under the table.  Now are you going through with it or not?  I’ve got a lot of desperate people out there who’ve run out of vacation time and sick time and need those hours badly so they can take care of their families.

            Co-Worker 1: Really?

         Engineer: Well, there’s at least one who keeps wanting to take cruises, but I don’t make judgements, just transactions.  So, are we doing this within the next five minutes?  I’ve got a department meeting in half an hour and my manager’ll kill me if I’m late again.

            Co-Worker 1: (Nods definitively) All right.  Let’s do this.  My employee number’s --------.

            Engineer: (Types and scrolls through information) Right; since you want to keep 40 hours I’m going to deduct 532 and assign them to those guys out there after I determine who needs how many.  The deductions will happen in increments over the next few months to avoid red flags, so you’ll see the number drop down slowly.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, that sounds… reasonable.

            Engineer: I also have to work out payment plans with the customers, so I can either send you the cash for each one or one big payment after I receive the last installment, your choice.

           Co-Worker 1: Hold on – (Points thumb back towards the door) they’re paying me?  But the hours are from the company!

           Engineer: Yeah, and they’ll be paid by the company when they use your hours!  We’re not about to double dip here: that would be wrong.

            Co-Worker 1: (Starts to stand) I don’t know, I thought the money was going to come from Corporate, I really didn’t think this through –

            Engineer: You certainly didn’t.  Now make up your mind and stop wasting my time, or I’m going to start charging you for it!

          Co-Worker 1: (Sits again) All right: go ahead with taking the hours, but I don’t want the money.

            Engineer: Say what now?

         Co-Worker 1: Just give them my hours!  That’s all I really wanted to do this whole time anyway, but H.R. doesn’t have a PTO donation option.

            Engineer: (Shakes head and begins typing again) If that’s what you want.  (Mutters) Weirdo.

          Co-Worker 1: I’m guessing you’re still going to charge those guys a fee for doing all this.  (Engineer gives Co-Worker 1 a “No duh” look before resuming typing) Yeah, I’d rather not know about all that.

          Engineer: (Hands over a form that just printed) OK: sign, date, and time here that you are waiving all rights to payment of hours, in perpetuity.

            Co-Worker 1: (Does so) Rather official for someone who likes to keep things off the record.

            Engineer: This is just for if you start complaining later, I’m taking you down with me.  (Files form in a cabinet drawer filled with folders, then stares at Co-Worker 1) You can go now.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Stands quickly and heads to the door) Uh, thanks for, uh, solving my problem.

            Engineer: (Resumes typing) Ha!  Those saps out there should be thanking you – not only are they getting a boatload of extra PTO, your inexplicable generosity cut their fees by 75%!

            Co-Worker 1: (Winces) Win-win, I guess.  (Opens door to leave; the other employees quickly enter and slam the door behind them) I don’t know why a good deed like this still feels shady.