Story 310: Why Is No One Here As Stressed Out As I Am?!

            (In an office)

           Coworker 1: (Reading an e-mail) Oh no… oh no-no-no-no-no – this can’t be happening – what are we going to do – this can’t be happening – (Stands on top of the desk to address the sea of cubicles using a megaphone) Attention everyone, stop what you’re doing, we have a Code Red situation happening right now!  (Almost everyone casually looks up at Coworker 1; the rest continue with whatever it was they were doing) We all just got an e-mail that Corporate is coming, and we are nowhere near meeting regulatory requirements to pass any kind of inspection!  Nowhere!  Near!  Meeting!

            Coworker 2: (At a nearby cubicle) Oh, that e-mail?  They probably won’t even come to this department.

            Coworker 1: (Aims megaphone at Coworker 2) What kind of attitude is that to bring to the workplace?!  (Directs megaphone back to the rest of the office) All right, employees!  We need a complete inventory and thorough policy review done, ASAP and stat!

            Coworker 3: (Standing up and walking away) I’m going for a coffee break – anyone wanna join? (Ten others stand up and they all head for the break room)

            Coworker 1: (Directing the megaphone at their backs and then in a sweeping 360° to address the whole room) Does no one here comprehend the seriousness of the situation?!  Corporate, people, Cor-por-ate!  Our work parents!  Have any of you even thought within the past two years to dust your workstations and disinfect every surface you touch, hm?  Or inspect the fire alarms and the fire extinguishers?  How many of you keep food tucked away in the file cabinet drawers – forget that, are your files even filed properly?!

            Coworker 4: We have file cabinets?  I just keep everything on the server.

            Coworker 1: And what is your back-up if the server crashes, I ask you?!

            Coworker 4: Umm… the back-up server?

          Coworker 1: And if that also crashes?  Or gets hacked?  Or there’s a power surge and gigabytes of data are just gone, all gone?!

          Coworker 4: Umm…. Then I think the company’d have bigger problems by then and we’d probably all be out of a job so what’s the point?

            Coworker 1: Apathy!  Sloth!  That’s what leads to chaos and ruin and empires falling!

         Coworker 5: (Stands at desk) Hey everybody, it’s time for the downstairs receptionist’s retirement party!

             Coworker 6: Yay, cake!  (Another 20 people leave)

            Coworker 1: (Directing the megaphone at their backs) Wait a minute, you can’t leave now, we haven’t even gotten our emergency procedure manual in order yet, it hasn’t been updated in years!  And that cake better not have been sitting out for more than five minutes or else that’s a violation of Section 33.A.17 of the Infection Control Policy!

          Manager: (Wearing shorts and a T-shirt, zooms over to Coworker 1’s cubicle in a scooter) Hey, get down from there.

           Coworker 1: Sorry.  (Finally turns off the megaphone and jumps down to the floor) Don’t you worry about the Corporate visit today: I’m all over it.

           Manager: Yeah, about that – (Sips from a frozen drink) that e-mail was more of an FYI to everybody just so you’re aware they’re coming today; we’ve already gone through everything to make sure policies are updated and all that.

             Coworker 1: Oh.  But what about the lackadaisical behavior I’m seeing all around me?

            Manager: The managers’ll handle Corporate when they get here, and everyone else knows to be on their best behavior.  They’ll get here around 2:00, so maybe take the rest of the day off – there won’t be any work for you to do then, and it won’t affect your internship if you do a half day today.

          Coworker 1: But how will I ever learn anything if I’m not immersed in all aspects of the business milieu?

             Manager: (While zooming away) You’ll learn soon enough.

Story 281: Black Market Vacation Hours

            (In an office)

            Co-Worker 1: (To Co-Worker 2) Psst!  Did you read the e-mail from Corporate yet?

            Co-Worker 2: (Continuously types) Which one?  There’ve been thousands.

            Co-Worker 1: You know, the one they just sent about our vacation hours?

            Co-Worker 2: The one that basically said “Use `em or lose `em”?

            Co-Worker 1: Yes!  How could they do that to us?!

            Co-Worker 2: What, tell us to take our earned vacation time?  What scumbags.

            Co-Worker 1: You know what I mean: not letting us accrue any more time off and then taking it away if we don’t use it!  That’s unconstitutional!

           Co-Worker 2: I doubt the Founding Fathers wrote in a provision for paid time off in the late 18^th century.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, it’s gotta at least be illegal now!

            Co-Worker 2: Sadly, no; that’s why they’re called “benefits,” not “requirements.”

           Co-Worker 1: (While spinning in chair) WhatmIgonnadoooooo?  I have over 500 hours built up in my bank!

            Co-Worker 2: …Take a vacation?

            Co-Worker 1: (Stops spinning to collapse on the desk) You’re hilarious.  I can’t take a day off until maybe September, and only if everything goes according to plan.

           Co-Worker 2: Well, that’s a sad commentary on the state of present-day American workers.  (Suddenly stops typing to face Co-Worker 1 and speak in a low voice) If you have absolutely no intention of using at least 90% of your hours, would you be interested in making some money off them instead?

            Co-Worker 1: (Head still is smushed onto the desk) I can’t: I already bought back a day for perfect attendance, and I can’t donate any more to the sick leave pool, I might actually need some of those at this point.

            Co-Worker 2: I’m not talking about that.  (Writes a name and number on a card and slides it under Co-Worker 1’s face) Call this person.

            Co-Worker 1: (Sits up and holds out the card to stare at it) Who is this, someone from Human Resources?

            Co-Worker 2: No, they’re with Maintenance, but they have the answer you need.

            Co-Worker 1: That sound suspiciously vague, but I’m desperate enough to fall for it.

         (Several hours later, Co-Worker 1 looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then dials the number)

            Voice: Maintenance.

            Co-Worker 1: (Loudly whispers) Hi, I was given this number by… a friend….

            Voice: You guys got a leak in the ceiling or something?

           Co-Worker 1: N-no, it’s just, well, I have a lot of time (Winks exaggeratedly) on my hands (Winks again) that I need to do something about (Winks some more).

            Voice: Listen, I can’t hear you winking over the phone, but make any excuse and get down to the Boiler Room in 15 minutes.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Winks again, then shakes head)

            Voice: One more thing: what’s a ballpark figure of time we’re talking about here?

            Co-Worker 1: (Lowers voice more) Oh, I don’t know, something around… 572.39.

            Voice: Holy moly, do you sleep here or something?!

            Co-Worker 1: That’s none of your business!  (Slams down receiver, then grimaces) I forgot to ask where the Boiler Room is.

           (A little more than fifteen minutes later, Co-Worker 1 arrives at the Boiler Room; several other employees are waiting in the hallway near the door)

           Co-Worker 1: (Nodding at them all while passing, not recognizing a single one) Afternoon.  (Knocks on the door, which opens after several seconds)

            Engineer: Yes?

            Co-Worker 1: Hello, I believe we spoke on the phone approximately 15 minutes ago – (Winks exaggeratedly)

           Engineer: Get in here.  (Pulls in Co-Worker 1 by the collar and yanks the door shut as the other employees start to rush it)

            Co-Worker 1: Are they – ?

            Engineer: Customers, yeah.  Had to get the word out while you’re still on the hook before you change your mind and back out.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?

          Engineer: Sit down.  (Points to a chair in front of a desk; they both sit on opposite sides as Engineer starts working on a laptop that has a large number of cords coming out of it) So, how many of these hours are you willing to part with?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, um, let me see, I haven’t thought of an actual number, this is all happening so fast – (Sees Engineer glaring) I suppose I could keep a week’s worth and give up the rest.

            Engineer (Nods and types) What’s your employee number?

            Co-Worker 1: Uh, heh-heh, I remember way back at orientation they said we’re not supposed to tell anyone that….

            Engineer: I need it to get into H.R.’s database and divvy up your hours.

         Co-Worker 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute, are you actually (Whispers) hacking into H.R.’s database?

           Engineer: How else did you think was gonna work?  (Gestures to the room) Does this look like the H.R. office?

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know, I thought maybe this would be under the table or something.

            Engineer: This is under the table.  Now are you going through with it or not?  I’ve got a lot of desperate people out there who’ve run out of vacation time and sick time and need those hours badly so they can take care of their families.

            Co-Worker 1: Really?

         Engineer: Well, there’s at least one who keeps wanting to take cruises, but I don’t make judgements, just transactions.  So, are we doing this within the next five minutes?  I’ve got a department meeting in half an hour and my manager’ll kill me if I’m late again.

            Co-Worker 1: (Nods definitively) All right.  Let’s do this.  My employee number’s --------.

            Engineer: (Types and scrolls through information) Right; since you want to keep 40 hours I’m going to deduct 532 and assign them to those guys out there after I determine who needs how many.  The deductions will happen in increments over the next few months to avoid red flags, so you’ll see the number drop down slowly.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, that sounds… reasonable.

            Engineer: I also have to work out payment plans with the customers, so I can either send you the cash for each one or one big payment after I receive the last installment, your choice.

           Co-Worker 1: Hold on – (Points thumb back towards the door) they’re paying me?  But the hours are from the company!

           Engineer: Yeah, and they’ll be paid by the company when they use your hours!  We’re not about to double dip here: that would be wrong.

            Co-Worker 1: (Starts to stand) I don’t know, I thought the money was going to come from Corporate, I really didn’t think this through –

            Engineer: You certainly didn’t.  Now make up your mind and stop wasting my time, or I’m going to start charging you for it!

          Co-Worker 1: (Sits again) All right: go ahead with taking the hours, but I don’t want the money.

            Engineer: Say what now?

         Co-Worker 1: Just give them my hours!  That’s all I really wanted to do this whole time anyway, but H.R. doesn’t have a PTO donation option.

            Engineer: (Shakes head and begins typing again) If that’s what you want.  (Mutters) Weirdo.

          Co-Worker 1: I’m guessing you’re still going to charge those guys a fee for doing all this.  (Engineer gives Co-Worker 1 a “No duh” look before resuming typing) Yeah, I’d rather not know about all that.

          Engineer: (Hands over a form that just printed) OK: sign, date, and time here that you are waiving all rights to payment of hours, in perpetuity.

            Co-Worker 1: (Does so) Rather official for someone who likes to keep things off the record.

            Engineer: This is just for if you start complaining later, I’m taking you down with me.  (Files form in a cabinet drawer filled with folders, then stares at Co-Worker 1) You can go now.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Stands quickly and heads to the door) Uh, thanks for, uh, solving my problem.

            Engineer: (Resumes typing) Ha!  Those saps out there should be thanking you – not only are they getting a boatload of extra PTO, your inexplicable generosity cut their fees by 75%!

            Co-Worker 1: (Winces) Win-win, I guess.  (Opens door to leave; the other employees quickly enter and slam the door behind them) I don’t know why a good deed like this still feels shady.

Story 224: I Forgot to Wear Red Today

            “Don’t forget to wear red tomorrow.”

            “What’s tomorrow again?”

            “It’s Heart Health Month or something, so Corporate wants us all to wear red and they’ll take a group photo.  There’ll be cookies there, too, so more people show up.”

            “Sure, OK – I should have something red-ish lying around somewhere.”

THE NEXT DAY

            “Where’s your red?”

            “Shoot, I completely forgot!  When I picked out my clothes this morning it was so cold all I wanted was this really comfy sweater.”

            “Oh well, there’s always next year.”

            “Yes, but what about the photo?”

            “There’s almost 200 people working here; I doubt anyone’ll notice you’re not there.”

            “Yeah, but… you know….”

            “You want a cookie, don’t you.”

            “Yes!  And they won’t let you take an extra one for me, I just know it!”

            “Now that’s the spirit of this whole exercise.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Psst.”

            “Huh?!  Oh, hey, why are you hanging out on top of my cubicle?”

            “You got an extra red shirt I could borrow?”

            “Heh-heh, you forgot?”

            “Clearly.”

            “Well then, I clearly wouldn’t randomly have an extra red shirt on me today, but I do have this red pen I never use that you can wear as flair.”

            “Forget it.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Hi – you got a red scarf, or tie, or hat, or some other kind of accessory that I can borrow for the photo later?”

            “Really?  How could you have forgotten about that – we got all those memos and your manager even reminded you again yesterday!”

            “I don’t know, how could you have forgotten about your New Year’s resolution of spending more time with your kids?!”

            “Wow.  That was unnecessary.”

            “I am not myself today.”

            “It’s the cookie, isn’t it.”

            “…Maybe.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Hey, would you miss those red suspenders if I appropriated them for about 10 minutes?”

            “My pants would, yes.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Oh hi, you made it!  What are you wearing?”

            “It quite obviously is a maroon blazer.”

            “Made of taped-together construction paper?”

            “I don’t need to answer to you!”

            “Actually, you technically do.”

            FLASH!

            “Boy, that was great, I feel so part of a worthy cause, lives have been saved today because of me, now where’s the cookie set-up?”

            “Didn’t you get the e-mail earlier?  Corporate thought it would be a bit counter-message to serve sugary snacks when we’re supposed to be promoting healthy hearts, so they scrapped that whole deal last-minute.”

            “Oh.”

            “However, they did have these car magnets all made up – ”

            “Mine!”