Story 590: Conference Encounter, Part 2

            (At a professional conference, attendees take their seats at long tables facing a giant screen, computer, and podium)

Event Coordinator: (Addressing the group on a microphone while standing next to Speaker) All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed lunch – I’m sure we’ll all regret that rich dessert soon enough though, heh-heh-heh!

Attendee 4: I regret nothing!

Event Coordinator: Right.  Now, our next speaker is actually our third speaker from this morning, continuing the rest of the presentation on “Quality Control and You”.

(Attendees groan and briefly slump onto the tables)

Attendee 5: Not again!

Event Coordinator: This isn’t a surprise, folks – you’ve had the conference agenda for the past month!

Attendee 5: We were hoping it was a typo.

Event Coordinator: I don’t get it: on past conference surveys, most of you said that you wanted more sessions on this topic!

Attendee 5: Not four hours’ worth, we don’t!

Event Coordinator: I had schedule gaps to fill!

Speaker: Doooooo you want me to step outside for a minute?

Event Coordinator: No!  No, please forgive the rudeness of your audience – (Glares at Attendees for a moment) and start your presentation as soon as you’re ready.  (To Attendees) We’re losing precious minutes here, and if you keep up with the bellyaching you’re gonna lose out on the next break.

Attendees: Nooooooooo!!!!  Anything but that!

Event Coordinator: Well then, zip it!  (To Speaker) Please proceed.

Speaker: (Accepting the microphone from Event Coordinator) Thank you; I’ll let you know when to advance the slides.  (To Attendees as Event Coordinator sits in front of the computer) As I mentioned at the last session, please feel free to ask me questions at any time.  (Sees a hand shoot up toward the front of the room) Yes?

Attendee 6: (Lowers hand) Is this just going to basically repeat the same information from the last session?

Event Coordinator: Hey!

Speaker: …Not much.

Attendee 6: Knew it.

Attendee 2: (Seated at the end of a table next to Attendee 3, across the aisle from Attendee 6; addressing the latter) What do you care?  You get credit no matter what.

Attendee 6: Good point: nighty-night.  (Lays head down on the table and immediately falls asleep)

Event Coordinator: Anyone caught napping will not be given their credit certificates!

(Attendees groan again)

Attendee 6: (Immediately awakens and sits straight) I’m up!

Event Coordinator: Thank you.  (Gestures “Go ahead” to Speaker) Please continue.

Speaker: Thanks.  (Looks up at the slide currently displayed on the giant screen) Now, let’s start with a case review –

Attendee 7: (Briefly raises hand) Sorry to be “that guy”, but I can see already on the screen that the case is one we’ve all heard about a bajillion times before and nothing new can be said on the subject, ever.

Event Coordinator: (Points to Attendee 7) That’s enough out of you!

Speaker: (To Event Coordinator) It’s OK – (To Attendee 7) That’s fair, but I bet you haven’t seen this version before.  (To Event Coordinator) Next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) This one has video clips!

Attendee 7: We’ve seen those, too!

Speaker: Oh.  Then can you pretend you didn’t?

Attendee 7: No.

Event Coordinator: Well, you’re gonna have to!

Speaker: It’s all right; next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator grinds teeth and advances to the next slide; Attendees groan again) What now?!

Attendee 1: (Sitting on the other side of Attendee 3) One of the speakers this morning literally had the same exact slide.  I mean, font and everything.

Speaker: That’s impossible!

Attendee 1: I’d agree, yet here we are.

Speaker: All right, fine – next slide, please!  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) Anyone seen this one before, hm?!

Attendee 4: (Tentatively raises hand) Just at your presentation last year.

Speaker: Ah!

Event Coordinator: (Stands and points to Attendee 4) Traitor!

Attendee 4: (Also stands) Hey, what’s right is right!

Attendee 5: (Also stands) If the whole presentation is like this then I’m going downstairs to the casino, credit or no credit!

Attendee 7: (Also stands) Fie on that!  I want credit for time served!

Attendee 6: (Also stands) And I want credit for all the sleep I’m missing out on today!

Most Attendees: (Also stand) Aye-aye!

Event Coordinator: (Trembling with rage) This is mutiny!

Attendee 4: Darn tootin’!

(Attendees and Event Coordinator begin yelling incomprehensibly at each other and papers begin flying around the room)

Attendee 2: (Leans forward to rest head on hands as chaos reigns) Retirement can’t come soon enough.

Attendee 3: (Sees Attendee 2’s name tag has spun around) OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Attendee 2 looks up sharply at Attendee 3) This entire time I thought you two worked at my old job, but you’ve actually been at an entire different company and been entirely different people THIS ENTIRE TIME?!

Attendee 2: (Frozen) Ummmmm….

Attendee 1: (After a moment of panic, leans in from the other side of Attendee 3) Oh my goodness, this entire time we thought you had worked at our job!

Attendee 3: No way!

Attendee 1: No way!

Attendee 2: No way?

Attendee 3: This… is… AMAZING!

(Attendee 3 pulls Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 into a three-way hug as they sob in relief and joy while the commotion escalates all around them and a paper airplane lands on their table)

Event Coordinator: (Climbs on top of a table, grabbing the microphone that was dropped on the floor in the middle of everything) ENOUGH!  (Everyone else freezes) If you all knock it off now, I’ll ask the kitchen to bring out both the canapés and the mac-and-cheese that you demanded for our evening reception, all right?!  (The standing Attendees suddenly sit back down with a collective “Bang!”)  Good.  (Looks down and sees Speaker hiding under a table; holds out the microphone) Here ya go.  (Speaker shakily stands and takes back the microphone) Now: please resume your presentation at the point where you were so rudely interrupted.  (Primly sits back at the computer)

Speaker: Tha – ahem – thank you.  (Stares out at the Attendees, who stare back expectantly) Soooo… next slide?

Story 490: Extremely Motivational Speaker

(In a large meeting room, tables and chairs are arranged so that lanyard-wearing attendees are facing a podium with a large sign overhead that reads “101^st Annual Office Workers’ Conference”.  One of the attendees finishes setting up the audiovisual system with a venue employee and then grabs a microphone to address the room)

Attendee 1: (Cheerily) Goooood morning, everyone; we’re going to get started – I know most of you came here with the sunrise from all over the state, so I see you have your coffee and tea all set to go!  (Nearly every attendee raises a cup to salute Attendee 1; one attendee pours the cup’s contents into an IV bag and starts the drip; another without a liquid stimulant stares balefully at Attendee 1; another’s head jerks up, awake) Our first speaker today is going to get the ball rolling with an inspirational talk that’ll get us ready to face the rest of the sessions for the next – (Glances at a schedule for the day) 10 hours.  Oh wow, I didn’t realize it was that long when we scheduled these…. Anyway!  Our first speaker gives talks around the world inspiring everyone to do anything; has written 76 bestsellers motivating readers to get off the couch and do something; and is currently working on a fifth Ph.D. in the science of personal fulfillment; please welcome, legally name-changed Dr. Do-It-Now!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Runs up to the front of the room in a blur of confetti, waving wildly at the attendees’ polite muted applause) Hey-hey-hey, folks, it’s great to be here with all you fine people today!  Now, this is going to be an interactive session, so I’m going to be asking you questions; we’re going to have breakout groups; and I’m going to need some volunteers to recount deeply personal experiences in front of their associates here; sound like fun?!  (Everyone else stares back)

Attendee 2: C’mon, pal, it’s 8:00 in the morning and we’ve been up since 3!  (Trails off into a sob while collapsing onto crossed arms on the table)

Attendee 3: (Sitting next to Attendee 2, pats the latter’s shoulder while looking elsewhere; mutters) There, there – get a grip.

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course, we all hesitate when faced with something new, right?  Because New = Unknown = Uncomfortable!  Well, I’m here to get you out of your comfort zone and plunge headfirst into the infinity pool that is Life!  Now, everyone, stand up!  (No one moves) Don’t be shy – that never gets anyone anywhere!  (Attendee 1 stands and gestures frantically for everyone else to do the same; the others stagger up, with Attendee 3 pulling up a sniffling Attendee 2) Perfect!  First, we’re going to do some deep breathing exercises….

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Dr. Do-It-Now and Attendees 4, 5, and 6 are sitting cross-legged in a circle on the podium, holding hands with each other)

Dr. Do-It-Now: Now, don’t you all feel cleansed and rejuvenated after reliving your childhood traumas for your colleagues to hear, hm?

Attendee 4: (Weeping) This has done more for me in minutes than therapy has done for me in years!

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course it has.  (To all three) You can go back to your seats now.  (Stands as the three go back to their seats; to the other attendees) Let’s give them a big round of applause for being our first victims – ha ha, I mean volunteers!  (Everyone applauds)  At this time, I want you all to take the notepads and pens that our hotel hosts generously left here for “free” so you can remember them forever, and start writing down any words you can think of to describe your life as you perceive it now, in one column, and how you want your life to be in a second column, and then in a third column describe how you think others perceive your life, and then in a fourth column how you’d want others to perceive your life, and then in a fifth column any words that appear more than once across the other columns – you have five minutes.  (No one moves) Go-go-go!  (Attendee 2 raises a hand as everyone else starts writing) Yes?

Attendee 2: Is this school?  (Is glared at by Attendee 3)

Dr. Do-It-Now: AHAHAHAHA – you have four-and-a-half-minutes.

 10 MINUTES LATER

Attendee 7: (Standing while reading from the notepad) …and it seems I entered the words “rich,” “lonely,” and “obsessed” a lot; not sure if that means anything.

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Eyes wide with shock, then snaps out of it) That’s wonderful: let’s all give a round of applause for sharing your most private self with us, yay!  (Everyone applauds as Attendee 7 sits, smiling and blushing) Who else would like to share with us?  (Attendee 2 raises a hand again; Attendee 3 looks puzzled) Go right ahead!

Attendee 2: (Stands, clears throat, and turns the notepad around to show that all five columns are blank)

Dr. Do-It-Now: OK!  (Attendee 3 yanks Attendee 2 back down onto the chair and snatches away the notepad and pen)  Anyone else?  (Attendee 1 stands, flashes both hands wide and then one hand while mouthing “15”) Oops, that’s my signal I have 15 minutes left, so I’m going to jump ahead to the Q&A session.  But!  This is not a typical Q&A session, oh no-no-no: instead of asking me about my life, career, goals, and secret sauce, I am going to ask you all about where you want to be in your lives, and whether that where is here.  (Grabs an empty chair, plops it down in front of Attendee 8, sits leaning forward, and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) Now: tell me everything.

Attendee 8: (Compelled, leans forward to mirror Dr. Do-It-Now) Well, it all started when I started slacking off in 11^th grade….

 15 MINUTES LATER

(The entire room is standing)

Dr. Do-It-Now: I really need you to scream it back at me this time, folks: I AM WORTHY!

Attendees: I AM WORTHY!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Attendees: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Attendees: I WILL NOT –

Venue Employee: (At the door) Excuse me?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Hello, yes – what’s up?

Venue Employee: Sorry to interrupt, but the guests on the casino floor asked if you all could keep it down a bit in here, please?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course!  Please extend my apologies, and wish them all “good luck” for me!

Venue Employee: Thanks, but “luck” isn’t on the company payroll.  (Leaves)

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Whispering) OK, last one.

All: (Whispering) I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Regular volume) Perfect!  You can sit back down now.  (Everyone else sits as Attendee 1 waves at Dr. Do-It-Now and gestures to another speaker standing by a back door) Well, I see that our time today is up, and your next speaker is on deck – I want to thank you all for the opportunity to change your lives today, and also invite you to visit my Web site listed on your conference materials so you can download copies of those goal journals I discussed earlier; remember to fill them out every day or else they won’t work!

Attendee 2: Homework?!  Arrrrggghhhh!!!!  (Collapses onto arms sobbing again)

Attendee 3: (Rolls eyes and shakes head) Never come with me again to one of these things.

Dr. Do-It-Now: So!  That’s all I’ve got for you today – have a great rest-of-your-conference, folks, and remember to live all of your life to the max!  (Waves wildly at everyone while running out of the room in a blur of confetti; the attendees applaud enthusiastically)

Attendee 1: (Moves to the front of the room with the microphone again) Well, that certainly did the trick for me!  I am now pumped up to face the rest of today, how about you?  (The other attendees cheer) Great!  `Cause here is our next speaker, who teaches at three universities and two high schools, talking to us today about “Budgeting on a Budget,” please welcome, The Professor!

The Professor: (Walks warily to the lectern on the podium to polite muted applause as a slideshow appears on large screens; looks around the room and gestures at the stream of confetti that leads to the door where Dr. Do-It-Now had exited) Now how am I supposed to follow that?!