Story 590: Conference Encounter, Part 2

            (At a professional conference, attendees take their seats at long tables facing a giant screen, computer, and podium)

Event Coordinator: (Addressing the group on a microphone while standing next to Speaker) All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed lunch – I’m sure we’ll all regret that rich dessert soon enough though, heh-heh-heh!

Attendee 4: I regret nothing!

Event Coordinator: Right.  Now, our next speaker is actually our third speaker from this morning, continuing the rest of the presentation on “Quality Control and You”.

(Attendees groan and briefly slump onto the tables)

Attendee 5: Not again!

Event Coordinator: This isn’t a surprise, folks – you’ve had the conference agenda for the past month!

Attendee 5: We were hoping it was a typo.

Event Coordinator: I don’t get it: on past conference surveys, most of you said that you wanted more sessions on this topic!

Attendee 5: Not four hours’ worth, we don’t!

Event Coordinator: I had schedule gaps to fill!

Speaker: Doooooo you want me to step outside for a minute?

Event Coordinator: No!  No, please forgive the rudeness of your audience – (Glares at Attendees for a moment) and start your presentation as soon as you’re ready.  (To Attendees) We’re losing precious minutes here, and if you keep up with the bellyaching you’re gonna lose out on the next break.

Attendees: Nooooooooo!!!!  Anything but that!

Event Coordinator: Well then, zip it!  (To Speaker) Please proceed.

Speaker: (Accepting the microphone from Event Coordinator) Thank you; I’ll let you know when to advance the slides.  (To Attendees as Event Coordinator sits in front of the computer) As I mentioned at the last session, please feel free to ask me questions at any time.  (Sees a hand shoot up toward the front of the room) Yes?

Attendee 6: (Lowers hand) Is this just going to basically repeat the same information from the last session?

Event Coordinator: Hey!

Speaker: …Not much.

Attendee 6: Knew it.

Attendee 2: (Seated at the end of a table next to Attendee 3, across the aisle from Attendee 6; addressing the latter) What do you care?  You get credit no matter what.

Attendee 6: Good point: nighty-night.  (Lays head down on the table and immediately falls asleep)

Event Coordinator: Anyone caught napping will not be given their credit certificates!

(Attendees groan again)

Attendee 6: (Immediately awakens and sits straight) I’m up!

Event Coordinator: Thank you.  (Gestures “Go ahead” to Speaker) Please continue.

Speaker: Thanks.  (Looks up at the slide currently displayed on the giant screen) Now, let’s start with a case review –

Attendee 7: (Briefly raises hand) Sorry to be “that guy”, but I can see already on the screen that the case is one we’ve all heard about a bajillion times before and nothing new can be said on the subject, ever.

Event Coordinator: (Points to Attendee 7) That’s enough out of you!

Speaker: (To Event Coordinator) It’s OK – (To Attendee 7) That’s fair, but I bet you haven’t seen this version before.  (To Event Coordinator) Next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) This one has video clips!

Attendee 7: We’ve seen those, too!

Speaker: Oh.  Then can you pretend you didn’t?

Attendee 7: No.

Event Coordinator: Well, you’re gonna have to!

Speaker: It’s all right; next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator grinds teeth and advances to the next slide; Attendees groan again) What now?!

Attendee 1: (Sitting on the other side of Attendee 3) One of the speakers this morning literally had the same exact slide.  I mean, font and everything.

Speaker: That’s impossible!

Attendee 1: I’d agree, yet here we are.

Speaker: All right, fine – next slide, please!  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) Anyone seen this one before, hm?!

Attendee 4: (Tentatively raises hand) Just at your presentation last year.

Speaker: Ah!

Event Coordinator: (Stands and points to Attendee 4) Traitor!

Attendee 4: (Also stands) Hey, what’s right is right!

Attendee 5: (Also stands) If the whole presentation is like this then I’m going downstairs to the casino, credit or no credit!

Attendee 7: (Also stands) Fie on that!  I want credit for time served!

Attendee 6: (Also stands) And I want credit for all the sleep I’m missing out on today!

Most Attendees: (Also stand) Aye-aye!

Event Coordinator: (Trembling with rage) This is mutiny!

Attendee 4: Darn tootin’!

(Attendees and Event Coordinator begin yelling incomprehensibly at each other and papers begin flying around the room)

Attendee 2: (Leans forward to rest head on hands as chaos reigns) Retirement can’t come soon enough.

Attendee 3: (Sees Attendee 2’s name tag has spun around) OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Attendee 2 looks up sharply at Attendee 3) This entire time I thought you two worked at my old job, but you’ve actually been at an entire different company and been entirely different people THIS ENTIRE TIME?!

Attendee 2: (Frozen) Ummmmm….

Attendee 1: (After a moment of panic, leans in from the other side of Attendee 3) Oh my goodness, this entire time we thought you had worked at our job!

Attendee 3: No way!

Attendee 1: No way!

Attendee 2: No way?

Attendee 3: This… is… AMAZING!

(Attendee 3 pulls Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 into a three-way hug as they sob in relief and joy while the commotion escalates all around them and a paper airplane lands on their table)

Event Coordinator: (Climbs on top of a table, grabbing the microphone that was dropped on the floor in the middle of everything) ENOUGH!  (Everyone else freezes) If you all knock it off now, I’ll ask the kitchen to bring out both the canapés and the mac-and-cheese that you demanded for our evening reception, all right?!  (The standing Attendees suddenly sit back down with a collective “Bang!”)  Good.  (Looks down and sees Speaker hiding under a table; holds out the microphone) Here ya go.  (Speaker shakily stands and takes back the microphone) Now: please resume your presentation at the point where you were so rudely interrupted.  (Primly sits back at the computer)

Speaker: Tha – ahem – thank you.  (Stares out at the Attendees, who stare back expectantly) Soooo… next slide?

Story 589: Conference Encounter, Part 1

            (At a professional conference, attendees are eating buffet breakfast at round tables in another room at the venue before the day’s sessions begin)

Attendee 1: (Sitting across from Attendee 2 at an otherwise-unoccupied table, with an untouched bowl of cereal) I’m not gonna to lodge a complaint or anything – maybe mention it if they send a survey – but when you go to take a shower, and see one of the hotel’s freshly laundered washcloths already has a mystery stain on it… just makes you question everything.

Attendee 2: (Stares thoughtfully at Attendee 1 for a few moments) You know, I really wish you hadn’t told me that right before I was about to eat this bagel.  (Drops a buttered bagel back onto the plate)

Attendee 1: (Looks down at the bagel, then back at Attendee 2) Sorry.

(Attendee 3, carrying an overnight bag, starts to pass by the table but suddenly stops on seeing the other two)

Attendee 3: OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Startled, Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look up at Attendee 3) It’s the Corporate Crew, I can’t believe it!  (Swoops in and embraces Attendee 2)

Attendee 2: Hiiiiiii...? (Over Attendee 3’s back, desperately mouths “Who is this?!” to Attendee 1, who shrugs with a baffled look)

Attendee 3: (Pulls away from Attendee 2 and turns to embrace Attendee 1) It’s been what, three years now?  Four?

Attendee 1: (In mid-embrace, darts a panicked look at Attendee 2, who grimaces in defeat) Heh-heh-heh?

Attendee 3: (Pulls back, beaming broadly at both) This is so great.  I love seeing people I used to work with at these events, don’t you?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Yeah….

Attendee 3: Well, I just got here this morning, so I’m gonna go grab some breakfast – mind if I sit with you guys?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Sure….

Attendee 3: Great!  (Drops the overnight bag onto the floor next to the table) Please watch my stuff for a minute – I’ll be right back, and then we can catch up!  Oh, you two want anything?  (They both shake their heads) All righty – bye!  (Practically skips to the buffet table)

Attendee 1: (Whispers as both lean toward each other) I think we should go to the conference room and get seats, now!

Attendee 2: (Also whispers) Don’t be rude!  Besides, we’ll all be in the same room for the next eight hours – how’d we ever avoid the shame?

Attendee 1: So you remember who that person is?

Attendee 2: Not a clue – you?

Attendee 1: Absolutely not.  Maybe they weren’t in Corporate that long?

Attendee 2: I dunno; sure sounded like we all were best buddies for ages.

Attendee 1: I must be getting old – I forget names sometimes, but I have never forgotten a face this badly before in my entire life!

Attendee 2: I’m right there with you; maybe we should just shove dignity aside and ask –

Attendee 1: (Looks up suddenly) Hiiiiiiii!

Attendee 3: (Has returned with lots of plates full of pastries and a cup of coffee balanced on top, and sits between Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Hey there!  Thanks for saving me a seat, ahahaha!  (Sits and starts digging into the food) Sooooo – how’s it been since I left our alma mater, hm?

Attendee 2: It’s been… (Looks at Attendee 1, who is worrying a pulled thread on the tablecloth) the usual.

Attendee 3: HA!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look at each other in confusion) Anyway, how’s our favorite VP doing, at least?

Attendee 1: Which… one…?

Attendee 3: Heh-heh, you know!  (Slyly nudges Attendee 1 with an elbow, making the latter’s arm slip off the table where it was leaning; to Attendee 2 while jerking a thumb at Attendee 1) Always a kidder, this one!

Attendee 2: (Staring at Attendee 1 who is trying to regain balance on the chair) Yeah, always.  (Leans over a bit to unobtrusively check Attendee 3’s name tag on lanyard but it is flipped over)

Attendee 3: (Finishing up another plate) Well, I just gotta say, I’m glad I got outta there when I did, but I miss most of the people there, especially you two!  (Reaches out to rub Attendee 1’s and Attendee 2’s shoulders on either side) We had some great times in the workplace trenches there, right?

Attendee 1: (Smoothly ducks away from Attendee 3’s hand) I’m sure someone did.

Attendee 3: (Claps hands in glee) Ooh, I know!  We should all meet up for dinner sometime!

Attendee 2: Ah….

Attendee 1: Well….

Attendee 3: Yes!  That way, we can reminisce for hours!

Attendee 2: Actually –

Event Coordinator: (Standing near a doorway) All right everybody, start heading over to the conference room and take a seat, we are starting in – (Checks watch) four minutes, and not a second later!

Attendee 3: (Downs the rest of the coffee) Whelp, guess that’s our cue!  I’ll grab us some seats in the way back of the room, wink-wink!  (Winks exaggeratedly at both while grabbing the bag, plates, and cup) Oh, do you want me to take your stuff?  (Gestures at the uneaten cereal and bagel)

Attendee 2: No thanks, we’ll work on them inside.

Attendee 3: Always the multitasker, eh?

Attendee 2: …You know me.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you in a bit!  (Trots away)

Attendee 1: (As everyone gets up and starts heading to the conference room) I don’t think I can take eight hours of this.  Plus lunch!

Attendee 2: Well, maybe one of us’ll remember the name before then, and mystery solved.  Doesn’t seem like someone who’d be that forgettable, right?

LUNCH

(As the attendees gather back in the dining area)

Attendee 3: Well, I certainly learned a lot today; how about you two?

Attendee 2: (Eyes glazed over) Hm?  Oh, yeah, a little.

Attendee 2: I learned that an engaging speaker makes all the difference.

Attendee 3: (Cackles wildly) Always with the jokes!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 give each other dazed looks) Well, I’m gonna go check in downstairs and hope the room is ready so I can drop this load off – (Pats the overnight bag) you mind grabbing us a table and I’ll meet you when I get back?

Attendee 2: Sure.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you soon, buds!  (Zips out of the room)

Attendee 2: (As both start looking for empty seats at a table) So, any luck with the memory game?

Attendee 1: Not a jot.  For a second around Hour 2 I thought maybe I had it, but then realized I was thinking of my cousin so, no.

Attendee 2: Drat.

(Event Coordinator and Attendee 4 walk up to them)

Event Coordinator: Hi there, conference veterans!

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: (In the same familiar, tired tone) Heeeeeey.

Event Coordinator: So, seems to be another good conference this year, right?

Attendee 1: Yeah, I like it better than the one last year.

Attendee 4: Right, last year we had the breakout sessions and had to make all those posters and –

Attendee 1: (Shudders) Please: I had successfully blocked that from my mind until now.

Event Coordinator: (To Attendee 2) You still finding these things boring as anything?

Attendee 2: Well, I wouldn’t say “boring”, just not really applicable to my job and it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at a certain point, that’s all.

Event Coordinator: I’d agree, except this year I’m the one who has to make sure the speakers’ slides are all displaying and the microphone’s working and everyone’s where they’re supposed to be, sooooo... yeah.  Gotta keep alert on this one.

Attendee 2: I hear ya.

Event Coordinator: Well, enough of that.  On a happier note, I see you two’ve been having a good time with our former coworker today.

(Attendee 4 nods in agreement; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare back blankly)

Attendee 2: …I’m sorry, you’re former coworker?

Event Coordinator: Oh yeah, that one worked in our organization’s Corporate office about three or four years ago; moved on to another company, but stayed in the field and still shows up at these events every so often.  Surprised they didn’t come over and say “Hi”, but we’ve been a bit busy today so it’s understandable.

Attendee 1: So, are you saying that they used to work at your organization, and now is who-knows-where?

Event Coordinator: Sounds like it. 

Attendee 4: I thought maybe they were working at your organization, since you all seemed so, well, chummy.

Attendee 2: (Staring into the middle distance) No; no I’m almost positive we’ve never met before today….

Event Coordinator: Well, one of the goals of these conferences is professional networking anyway, so making new contacts is always a good thing.  (Looks toward the front of the room where an attendee is waving wildly for the former’s attention) Oh, I think I’m being told we have to start the business meeting soon.  (Turns back to Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Nice seeing you two again – enjoy lunch! 

Attendee 4: And tell your new friend we said “Hi!”

(Laughs while both walk over to the main table where lots of papers and awards await; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare at nothing for a few moments)

Attendee 1: Well, this is awkward.

Attendee 2: Yep.

Attendee 1: Should we say something about it?

Attendee 2: Nope.

Attendee 1: Why not?

Attendee 2: Because there is no recovery from this kind of embarrassment.