(Backstage, 20
minutes before showtime)
Singer: (To Stage
Manager as the latter rushes over) Hi, yeah, have you heard from my partner
yet? They’re usually here before I am,
and the conspicuous absence is making me feel nervous for the first time in my
professional life. I don’t like it much.
Stage Manager:
We actually just got word they’re stuck in traffic with horrendous roadwork and
can’t get here until… (Checks watch) tomorrow, so, we called in our
house pianist who’ll be playing for you tonight instead, yay!
Pianist: (Appears
suddenly) `Sup.
Singer: Ohhhh,
hello, um, I’m not sure this is gonna work – we’ve never played together
before.
Pianist: No
prob: just give me the notes, I’ll bang `em out. (Yawns)
Singer: Yeah,
that’s great; the thing is, my partner and I have a whole routine for the show and
we continually play off each other, know what I mean?
Pianist: Sure-sure,
if you give me the lines I’ll say whatever you want.
Singer: That’s
not – it’s a whole chemistry thing we’ve built up over years of performing
together –
Pianist: Guess
the audience’ll have to settle for competent instrumentalization instead; just
don’t ad lib on me, m’kay?
Singer:
Practically the whole show’s an ad lib!
I also interact with the audience, and it can go in any direction! The show is a living, breathing thing!
Pianist: Wow. No wonder they’re charging a hundred bucks a
ticket here: this all sounds very involved.
Singer: A
hundred – ?!
Stage Manager: (To
Singer) Look, unless your partner can video in playing the keyboard while
crawling along the freeway, this is the best we can do without cancelling the
show last minute.
Singer: (Whips
out a cell phone) That is an excellent idea – I know there’s a spare
keyboard in the car trunk, technology works wonders, we can do this! (Calls Partner)
Partner:
(Listens to the proposed show format while sitting five lanes deep in
non-moving traffic) Are you kidding me?!
Singer:
(Disconnects the call and turns to the other two) I’m ready when you are.
Stage Manager:
Great! (Runs away to cue everyone)
Pianist: So,
this show got an intermission?
Singer:
Intermissions ruin my momentum.
Pianist: Then we
may have a problem about 45 minutes in.
(Showtime)
Stage Manager:
(On stage, addressing Audience) …And now, without further ado, let’s give a big
round of applause to tonight’s star performer!
(Audience
applauds as Singer enters, beaming and waving; Pianist heads straight for the
piano and begins scanning the pages of music and a set list there)
Singer: (Arrives
at the microphone and a small table where there are notes and a glass of water)
Hello, all! I already love you.
Audience:
Wooooo!!!!
Singer: Now, let’s
begin with one of my favorites.
(Whispers to Pianist) Number 3 on the list.
Pianist:
(Whispers to Singer) You sure you wanna open with that one? (Singer glares at Pianist, who takes out the
corresponding sheet music and begins playing)
Singer: (To Audience)
You know, when I first began my stage career, it was at a local theater just
like this.
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: How
long you want me to keep playing the intro?
Singer: I’ll
signal you – (To Audience) I was in high school, and –
Pianist: A nod,
a wave, a scream, what?
Singer: …I’ll
say “Go.”
Pianist: (Shrugs)
Your show.
Singer: (To
Audience) I auditioned for the summer musical and I had never sung in front of
an audience before that wasn’t a shower nozzle and bar of soap –
Pianist: Any
idea how long this is gonna go on, ballpark?
My fingers are getting bored.
Singer: …Go.
(They perform
several songs in a row; Singer skips over most of the pre-planned patter)
Singer: This
next song is one I’ll always treasure, since it was in the show that was my
Broadway debut.
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: Funny
story: I actually saw you in that. You’ve
gotten better.
Singer: (Smiling
through gritted teeth) You’re a trip!
(They get
halfway through the song)
Pianist: (Stops
playing) Hold on – those aren’t the lyrics for that line.
Singer:
(Laughing) Oh yes, audiences are used to a little artistic license on the
classics, aren’t you all? (Audience
applauds)
Pianist: I don’t
think the original songwriter’d recognize that license – you might be in for a
copyright infringement lawsuit if word gets out. The Dramatists Guild’d have a field day, and
rightfully so.
Singer: (Smiling
strainedly) Let’s take it from the top, shall we?
Pianist: Argh, I’ve
gotta play this one all over again?! (Starts
the song over with more insistent depressing of the keys)
(Finale)
Singer: (After
finishing on a majestic note to thunderous applause) Thank you! You’ve been a wonderful audience! (They keep cheering) OK, should we do one
more?
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: No.
Singer: Number
35!
(They perform
three more songs)
Singer: Thank
you, I love you, good night!
Pianist: Ahem!
Singer: And let’s
give a hand to tonight’s pianist who is not my regular accompanist! (Applauds Pianist)
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: You all
cheer at anything.
(Backstage)
Stage Manager:
That was great! And demand was so high for
this show that we want you to do another one here tomorrow night! Your manager said you were available.
Singer: Did they
now. Well, my partner should be out of
traffic by then, so I’m sure the magic tonight won’t be repeated. (To Pianist) It’s been real.
Pianist: Yeah, I’ve
had worse.
Singer: I haven’t. (Starts to leave)
Pianist: Hey,
one more thing?
Singer: (Turns
back sharply) What?!
Pianist: Can I
have your autograph?