Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.

Story 416: What’s So Grand About That Canyon?

 (The tour bus parks in Grand Canyon National Park’s South Rim Visitor Center lot and deposits its human contents onto the nearest sidewalk)

Tour Leader: (Assembling the group off to the side) All right everyone, you can either come with me on the planned stops on the itinerary, or you can go do your own thing and meet us back here at 5 p.m. ON THE DOT for our return trip to Vegas.  It’s another four-plus hour drive back, so if you’re a second late, we are not waiting for you.  (Sees a raised hand in the group) Yes?

Friend 1: We getting dinner on the ride back?

Tour Leader: You get breakfast on the ride here?

Friend 1: Disappointingly, no.

Tour Leader: Same answer – anyone else?  (No one else) OK all: disperse!  (Most of the group members disperse; four remain with Tour Leader) Right, the rest you get to ride the shuttle buses with me to all the lookout points and attend a surprisingly fascinating lecture on geology.

Remaining Group Members: Yippee!  (They cheer all the way over to a nearby shuttle bus stop and line up for the short wait)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk to the Visitor Center building)

Friend 2: Isn’t this so exciting?!  We finally made it to the Grand Canyon, one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World!

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: I’m going to ignore that dismissal.

Friend 1: A giant, asymmetrical chasm with a barely visible river at the way bottom, and everyone loses their minds and thousands of dollars a year to stare at it; I just don’t get it.

Friend 2: Oh come on, once you really see it I’m sure you’ll be awe-inspired and breath-taken the same as everyone else.

Friend 1: You know I’m only here to say I hiked down into it.  I’m just glad this is a day trip – we’re losing valuable Vegas time here.

Friend 2: You don’t even gamble: you just wanted to see the dancing waters and living statues on The Strip!

Friend 1: Yeah, but it’s Vegas, baby.  I have to live the Vegas life; whatever happens there stays there; Sin City is calling me –

Friend 2: Remind me of all that when you fall asleep in the hotel room after dinner again.

(A park ranger greets them at a table in front of the Visitor Center)

Ranger: Hello there!  First time at the Grand Canyon?

Friend 1: Is it that obvious?

Ranger: We say that to everyone: makes them feel special either way.  So, need help with anything?

Friend 2: Yes, we actually would like to hike down into the Canyon a bit and need some guidance on the types of trails here.

Friend 1: Preferably ones that are paved flat.

Ranger: Well, you definitely aren’t prepared for this.

Friend 1: Hey!

Ranger: You need lots of water, lots of snacks, be in excellent physical shape, and know your limits.

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Ranger: (Hands a map to Friend 2, the only one of the pair carrying a well-stocked knapsack) I recommend these two trails – (Points to those areas on the map) and keep in mind that it takes twice as long to get back up as it does to go down.  However, the South Rim Trail is paved flat for a long portion and offers fantastic views.

Friend 1: (Peers over at the map) A perimeter trail?  Pah!  We want to walk into the Canyon, have lunch at the Colorado River once we reach the bottom, walk up the other side to the North Rim, walk around that to get to the East Rim, and go along that to end back here, paying our respects along the way to each of the First Nations who still live here – maybe cutting over to the West Rim and back if, you know, we have a bit of time toward the end.

(Friend 2 has been slowly shaking their head during this; Ranger stares at Friend 1, then laughs hysterically)

Friend 2: We’ll probably stick to the South Rim Trail and maybe one of these – thanks!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm to lead both of them to a shuttle bus stop)

Friend 1: (Looking back at Ranger, who is still laughing and now banging the table in glee) A bit rude, don’t you think?

Friend 2: Did you even read up on this place before we planned the trip here?!

Friend 1: What’s to read up?  We’re gonna be walking around staring at a giant hole filled with a bunch of rocks!

Friend 2: I think I may leave you here.

(They ride the shuttle to the South Kaibab Trail stop and walk from there to the trailhead – several signs on the way warn of the dangers of dehydration and hyperthermia)

Friend 1: All this fuss over a walk in the park – (Finally sees the Grand Canyon in full view) oh.

Friend 2: (Spreads arms wide) Here it is!  (Takes out a camera and walks slightly closer to the edge for pictures) Ahhhhhhh, so majestic.  (To Friend 1, who still is staring at the view) You need to sit down?

Friend 1: (Gulps) N-no, just feeling a bit existentially insignificant right now; I’ll be fine in a second.  (Suddenly realizes a large elk has approached) Oh, hello there.  Want a granola bar?  (Starts to reach into pants pocket)

Friend 2: (Rushes over) Don’t give the pure animal our chemical rot!  (Drags away Friend 1)

Friend 1: But it’s granola!

Friend 2: Haven’t they suffered enough?!

(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 to the trailhead and they begin their descent)

Friend 1: (Pauses to stare down at the multiple switchbacks along the path into the Canyon, filled with tourists) Huh – lot of people with ski poles here, yet not a drop of snow in sight.

Friend 2: Those help with hiking; for you, just keep a steady pace and don’t rush.  (Continues down the path)

Friend 1: Ha!  You’re talking to the local park trail hiker expert here: I can walk a mile in less than the average 20 minutes!  (Starts walking after Friend 2, muttering) I know what I’m doing.

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: Slow down!

Friend 2: I have slowed down!  Any slower and I’d be moving backwards!

Friend 1: (Panting while stopping for a drink of water, holding one hand against the Canyon wall for support) I think – the altitude – is getting to me – is this the bends?

Friend 2: The bends would be the ocean, but you’re right about the altitude; if you’re having trouble with that then you should go back.

Friend 1: NEVER!  We are making it to the bottom at all costs!

Friend 2: I’d like to make it at least to Ooh Aah Point, so I can stand there and go “Ooh, aah.”

Friend 1: Haven’t we been doing that this entire time?

(Hikers with ski poles pass them on the way down)

Hiker 1: (To Friend 1) You all right?

Friend 1: Just because we’re all on this deceptively dangerous incline together does not mean you are welcome to be familiar with strangers.

Hiker 2: (To Hiker 1 as they continue on the trail) That one’s a helicopter ride back up.

Friend 1: I heard that!

Friend 2: Want to rest some more or keep on going?

Friend 1: (Recaps the water bottle) No: I am ready.  I can face anything now, even this mockingly vertical trail.

 TWO MINUTES LATER

 (Friend 1 is hugging the ground and shimmying backwards down the trail; Friend 2 impatiently waits at a turn up ahead)

Friend 2: I repeat: I can go back up with you if you want.

Friend 1: (Coughing up dust and pebbles) Nope!  You go on ahead – I’ll catch up in a second.  (Slides down a bit on some smooth rocks)

(A mule train with tourists steadily passes them on its way back up the Canyon)

Mule Tour Guide: (To Friend 1) You need to go back up, now.

Friend 1: I take no orders from animal exploiters!  (To the tourists as they pass) That’s right!  I highly doubt the mules actually enjoy lugging your sorry selves up and down this treacherous pit!  (Raises a fist in the air) Free the mules!  (Slides down the trail some more)

Friend 2: (Carefully hurries over and helps Friend 1 stand) Here – we’re going back to the top.

Friend 1: (Mildly delirious) But – Ooh Aah?

Friend 2: This is close enough for me.

 ONE HOUR LATER

(They stagger to the beginning of the trailhead and pass a few hikers having a picnic)

Hiker 1: (Clapping) Woo-hoo!  You made it!

Friend 1: (Being supported by Friend 2) We are not friends.

(Friend 2 leads Friend 1 to an open area looking out over the Grand Canyon where they sit with food and water)

Friend 1: (Slightly recovered) Well, that certainly wasn’t like the park trails at home.

Friend 2: That’s pretty much what everyone has been telling you since before we got here.

(They stare at the view for a while in silence; a squirrel approaches them, looking for food)

Friend 1: Heh – I read that you shouldn’t feed the squirrels around here and make sure they don’t bite you, `cause they carry the bubonic plague.  Can you believe it, the bubonic plague?  Feels so medieval.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) Out of all the history and culture and science surrounding this place, that’s what you retained?!

Friend 1: It struck my sick fancy.