Story 587: Who Knew Hiking Up a Mountain Would Be So Difficult?

            (On the phone)

Friend 2: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 1: Oh, no much – I’m actually off from work on Monday instead of my usual Wednesday, so I figured now’d be a good time to try hiking that mountain you lorded over me about climbing a few years back, what’s-it’s-name, Mount Tabbouleh?  Pammy Peak?

Friend 2: Wait, do you mean Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: Yeah, that one.  Figured I should give it a shot since, you know, I’ve hiked everywhere else around here, and since you could do it, well, it mustn’t be that hard, then.

Friend 2: First of all: I didn’t lord it over you that I hiked up it; I just let you know when I did it, and your insecurity did the rest.

Friend 1: Fair enough.

Friend 2: And secondly: are you sure about this?

Friend 1: I beg your pardon?

Friend 2: This isn’t exactly a stroll around the park, you know – it is an actual mountain.  Elevation over 1500 feet and all.

Friend 1: Well, I have done my share of the difficult trails on elevated terrains; I think I can handle this glorified hill.  Especially since no ropes or crampons or oxygen’s involved: any serious hiker should be able to do it, no sweat.

Friend 2: Yes, any serious hiker.  That’s not you.  And it certainly is a sweat, lots of it.

Friend 1: Rude.  You know how many hours I’ve logged walking through this county, and the next one over?  And some of those trails go up super high, and have big rocks and tree roots sticking out and everything.

Friend 2: You never learn, do you?  Hiking up – and down! – a mountain is completely different from what the local county parks dish up: don’t you remember your Grand Canyon debacle?!

Friend 1: I’ll ask you not to violate the friend code and fling my failures in my face, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: I’m only mentioning it because you had the same cavalier attitude then about how difficult it was going to be, and it’s like you learned nothing from almost being helicoptered out of it!

Friend 1: Don’t exaggerate: I was able to crawl back up the trail long before helicopter rescue was even entertained as a possibility.

Friend 2: Only with my help, you were!  That’s it: I’m going with you.

Friend 1: I don’t need a babysitter, Mom.

Friend 2: You do need supervision, though.  I’m not gonna wait around to hear on the evening news that you got from the summit back to Route 80 the direct way, if you know I mean.

Friend 1: Re-lax: the Delaware River’s right there, I’d be fine.

Friend 2: That’s not funny!

Friend 1: I didn’t mean it to be.  I am a grown adult who is mostly fit, and I do not need someone holding my hand as I ascend Mount Everest!

Friend 2: Tammany!

Friend 1: See, your smothering is making me loopy!

Friend 2: And I wouldn’t be able to hold your hand anyway since you’d need it when climbing up the sections with huge, steep boulders!

Friend 1: …Sorry, the what in the where now?

Friend 2: Exactly!  This is just like the Grand Canyon: you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you’re not prepared, and you expect everything to work out fine and then are shocked when you get stuck and need help, EVERY TIME!

Friend 1: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were accusing me of being immature.

Friend 2: Hey, you said it!

Friend 1: If you’re through with the insults, I’ll call you after I’ve successfully ascended the peak, with a triumphant photo to prove it.

Friend 2: After the other hikers carried you up there, you mean?

Friend 1: Rude again.

Friend 2: All right, I’m sorry, but your obliviousness to everything in life drives me bonkers sometimes.  Please wait until next Saturday, and I’ll climb up there with you.  You can think of me as a tour guide who even brings along snacks.

Friend 1: …Snacks, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!  And I can show you all the good spots where there are great views.

Friend 1: Well….

Friend 2: Pleeeease?  I can’t believe I’m begging you to let me save you from yourself.

Friend 1: All right, fine, if you want the company that badly –

Friend 2: Great!  Come over to my house and I’ll drive us; bring a backpack with water and lunch for later, dress in layers, and get to me by 7 because those parking lots fill up fast, bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: …Wait, 7 A.M.?!

SATURDAY

(At the beginning of Mount Tammany’s Red Dot Trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 arrive on foot with their gear after crossing under Route 80)

Friend 1: I am baffled that we have to walk to start our walk.  You weren’t kidding about those parking lots – do that many tourists want to spend their weekend doing extreme walking?!

Friend 2: A lot do, but there’s also kayaking, and fishing, and camping, and other stuff around here – but I think those full lots were for the mountain, and a bunch of people are from out-of-state too since we’re right by the border and an interstate road.

Friend 1: Well, I’m not out-of-breath yet, so let’s get this show on the road.  (Sees steep steps up the side of the mountain) Wait, this is the start?!

Friend 2: Yep!  Let the ascent begin!  (Starts climbing the steps)

Friend 1: (Visually follows the steps up, very high very fast) OK… OK… this is the warm-up, you can do this.  (Stars climbing the steps; after a minute, looks off to the right and down) Hm, who left their toy cars down there…?  Oh.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 have tied their long-sleeve shirts around their waists so that their short-sleeve shirts can take over)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a wall of boulders) Here we go!  The steep boulders I mentioned where you have to use your hands to climb up!

Friend 1: (Panting, stops to stare at the wall) This has to be a mistake – I think we lost the regular foot trail somewhere in the woods back there.

Friend 2: Nope!  This is the trail!  (Points to three red dots painted on the rocks showing that this is, indeed, the trail)

Friend 1: Ummm….

Friend 2: Want to rest a bit first?

Friend 1: No….

Friend 2: Want to turn back?

Friend 1: No!  Just give me a second…. (A family passes them and scrambles up the rocks without hesitation, adults and young kids alike; Friend 2 raises eyebrows meaningfully at Friend 1) Not a word.  (Begins gingerly scrambling up the rocks, joined by Friend 2)

Friend 2: (As they are part-way up) Not so bad, huh?

Friend 1: (Almost horizontal on hands and feet) I feel like a goat!

(A runner approaching from the opposite direction scrambles down the rocks, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: Morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop)

Friend 2: (Pausing on the climb to wave) Morning!

Friend 1: (Not pausing) Eugh.

(Both reach the top of the boulder section of the trail and pull over to take a water break)

Friend 2: Congratulations!  You cleared the first real hurdle.

Friend 1: (Almost spit-takes) “First”?!

Friend 2: Oh yeah, there’s a bigger set coming up, and the summit itself, and then the way down has –

Friend 1: Never mind: I’ll find out as we get there.

Friend 2: You’re doing great so far, you know: haven’t fallen off the mountain once.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I’m shamed by our compatriots on the trail.

Friend 2: Don’t be: they’ve probably all done this or something like it before, or are kids who aren’t afraid of anything, but they’ll learn.  (Stares into the distance before taking another gulp of water) Oh, they’ll learn….

Friend 1: I guess, but did you see that one who’s doing all this climbing and lugging around a camera the entire way?  And I don’t mean a dinky amateur camera, I mean a huge video camera with a giant microphone attached, the works.

Friend 2: Yeah – probably somebody filming for their channel.  Normally I’d be annoyed at the intrusiveness, but instead I’m just impressed at the physical coordination needed to pull it off.

Friend 1: (Nods and drinks more water) Same.

FORTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the summit of Mount Tammany in New Jersey, which has a view of Mount Minsi across the Delaware River in Pennsylvania, and a ledge of rocks leading down slightly where hikers are scattered throughout, resting and admiring the scenery)

Friend 1: (Pauses in collapsing to stare at the breathtaking view) Wow….

Friend 2: (Enthusiastically rubs Friend 1’s shoulder) Yay, you made it!  How does it feel?

Friend 1: (Swaying) Intimidating… exhausting….

Friend 2: Here, sit down.  (Guides Friend 1 to a nearby boulder to sit) I’m gonna go down there to get some pictures – wanna come by in a few minutes?

Friend 1: (Shakes head breathlessly) No thanks: I’ve never had vertigo before, but I do now.

Friend 2: All right; I’ll be back in a bit!  (Hops from boulder to boulder down the ledge)

Friend 1: Have at it.  (Drinks more water, then looks to the left and sees an equally exhausted hiker lying across a boulder) First time too?  (Hiker rolls eyes and nods, gasping) Right there with you.  (After a few minutes, Friend 1 stands and starts taking in a more panoramic view of the other mountain, the river, and forests on both sides of the Delaware Water Gap) So I guess this is what all the fuss is about, huh.

(The hiker with the camera suddenly bursts onto the summit, walking backwards while filming self)

Content Creator: Hey folks!  We finally made it to the top of Mount Tammany, and whoo-whee, what a ride it’s been, am-I-right?!  (Swings the camera around to capture the stunning scenery) But I tell ya, this view is all worth it!  Who cares about all the cuts, bruises, getting lost, and falling on the way when this is what awaits you, am-I-right?!  (Spots Friend 1 and hops across boulders to focus the camera on both of them) Hey there!  This your first time climbing Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: (Staring frozen into the camera) Uhhhhh....

Content Creator: Don’t be shy – tell my viewers how absolutely amazing this entire experience has been for your soul!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Content Creator: I mean, don’t you feel completely transformed and revitalized by the very act of climbing an actual mountain and getting to the tip-top just to fully understand how totally and utterly insignificant you are on this planet, let alone the universe?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Friend 2: (Hopping up boulders back to Friend 1, waving arms at Content Creator) Hey, buzz off!

Content Creator: (Hops to another boulder at Friend 2’s rapid approach, but winds up slipping off the edge and sliding on the ground down, down, down; turns the camera back to self on the way) Well folks, we’re heading back down the mountain now a little ahead of schedule, so we’ll meet up again at the bottom – ooh, make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe”…. (Fades away)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?

Friend 1: (Finally unfrozen) No, actually I’m very upset!

Friend 2: I know, that one was way out of line –

Friend 1: No, I mean, my one chance for Internet fame and I blew it!

Friend 2: You’re something else, you know that?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Right – want to head back down now?

Friend 1: Sure: we already did the worst part, should be smooth sailing going downhill, right?

Friend 2: (As they start on the Blue Dot Trail going down the mountain) Well….

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: (Holds out a granola bar) Here, have a snack.

Friend 1: Ooh, crunchy.  (Consumes the bar in two bites as they both continue their hike)

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate around rocks and tree roots as they continue to hike down the mountain)

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree while stepping down rocks) I thought we were done with the boulders!

Friend 2: (Up ahead) We are – I think this used to be a riverbed.  You know, a lot of this was left over when a glacier passed through.

Friend 1: (Now dangling from a low tree branch) Almost the entire Earth has had glaciers passing through!  That’s no excuse!

(Runner approaches from the opposite direction, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: (While passing Friend 1) Afternoon.

Friend 1: (Still dangling from the branch) Oh, shut up!  (Runner stops and frowns) Sorry – clearly, I’m not at my best at the moment.

Runner: (Nods) Got it.  (Continues jogging lightly up the rocks)

Friend 2: (Walking back toward Friend 1) Need some help?

Friend 1: (Starts swinging) Nope – (Lets go of the branch and lands heavily on the ground, barely missing the rocks)

Friend 2: (Runs over) You OK?!  Did you break anything?!

Friend 1: (Stands quickly) Surprisingly, no.  Bet that would’ve been a real disaster, huh?

Friend 2: For you, maybe: I’d be calling park rangers or paramedics to get you out of here, `cause I certainly wouldn’t be carrying you the rest of the way.

Friend 1: (As they both start walking again) I know.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the end of the final trail, which is at the same parking lot where they started)

Friend 1: (Raises arms in triumph) At last!  Route 80!

Friend 2: You seem more excited about that than the lovely waterfall and rapids we passed not too long ago.

Friend 1: Oh, well, those were beautiful and all, but this!  (Gestures to the interstate traffic) This means that I made it!  To the end, without any accidents, and I can finally say that I climbed –

Friend 2: Hiked.

Friend 1: Hiked a mountain!  (Briefly rests a hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Thank you for your help and guidance, and for believing in me.

Friend 2: Honestly, I didn’t think you’d make it past the first set of boulders and we’d turn around then, so everything after that’s been a pleasant surprise.

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2’s shoulder and nods) You’re welcome.  (Turns back to face Route 80 and sighs in relief and contentment)

Friend 2: So, we’ll head back to the car, get our lunches, and eat at one of the picnic tables before starting the hour-and-a-half drive back home, yeah?

Friend 1: Sounds like a great way to bask in our victory over the mountain.  (Turns back to Mount Tammany and salutes) You were a worthy foe, but once again our puny species has defeated you!

Friend 2: The mountain’ll be here long after we’re dead.

Friend 1: True, but my point’s been made nonetheless.  (Takes a step then gasps, eyes wide and fists clenched)

Friend 2: (Taking out the water bottle to finish it off) What’s up?

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) I don’t believe it – after all those boulders, I don’t believe it –

Friend 2: (Sighs) What is it this time you don’t believe?

Friend 1: That I hiked an entire mountain, and just now stepped on a pebble and sprained my ankle!

Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.