Story 587: Who Knew Hiking Up a Mountain Would Be So Difficult?

            (On the phone)

Friend 2: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 1: Oh, no much – I’m actually off from work on Monday instead of my usual Wednesday, so I figured now’d be a good time to try hiking that mountain you lorded over me about climbing a few years back, what’s-it’s-name, Mount Tabbouleh?  Pammy Peak?

Friend 2: Wait, do you mean Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: Yeah, that one.  Figured I should give it a shot since, you know, I’ve hiked everywhere else around here, and since you could do it, well, it mustn’t be that hard, then.

Friend 2: First of all: I didn’t lord it over you that I hiked up it; I just let you know when I did it, and your insecurity did the rest.

Friend 1: Fair enough.

Friend 2: And secondly: are you sure about this?

Friend 1: I beg your pardon?

Friend 2: This isn’t exactly a stroll around the park, you know – it is an actual mountain.  Elevation over 1500 feet and all.

Friend 1: Well, I have done my share of the difficult trails on elevated terrains; I think I can handle this glorified hill.  Especially since no ropes or crampons or oxygen’s involved: any serious hiker should be able to do it, no sweat.

Friend 2: Yes, any serious hiker.  That’s not you.  And it certainly is a sweat, lots of it.

Friend 1: Rude.  You know how many hours I’ve logged walking through this county, and the next one over?  And some of those trails go up super high, and have big rocks and tree roots sticking out and everything.

Friend 2: You never learn, do you?  Hiking up – and down! – a mountain is completely different from what the local county parks dish up: don’t you remember your Grand Canyon debacle?!

Friend 1: I’ll ask you not to violate the friend code and fling my failures in my face, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: I’m only mentioning it because you had the same cavalier attitude then about how difficult it was going to be, and it’s like you learned nothing from almost being helicoptered out of it!

Friend 1: Don’t exaggerate: I was able to crawl back up the trail long before helicopter rescue was even entertained as a possibility.

Friend 2: Only with my help, you were!  That’s it: I’m going with you.

Friend 1: I don’t need a babysitter, Mom.

Friend 2: You do need supervision, though.  I’m not gonna wait around to hear on the evening news that you got from the summit back to Route 80 the direct way, if you know I mean.

Friend 1: Re-lax: the Delaware River’s right there, I’d be fine.

Friend 2: That’s not funny!

Friend 1: I didn’t mean it to be.  I am a grown adult who is mostly fit, and I do not need someone holding my hand as I ascend Mount Everest!

Friend 2: Tammany!

Friend 1: See, your smothering is making me loopy!

Friend 2: And I wouldn’t be able to hold your hand anyway since you’d need it when climbing up the sections with huge, steep boulders!

Friend 1: …Sorry, the what in the where now?

Friend 2: Exactly!  This is just like the Grand Canyon: you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you’re not prepared, and you expect everything to work out fine and then are shocked when you get stuck and need help, EVERY TIME!

Friend 1: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were accusing me of being immature.

Friend 2: Hey, you said it!

Friend 1: If you’re through with the insults, I’ll call you after I’ve successfully ascended the peak, with a triumphant photo to prove it.

Friend 2: After the other hikers carried you up there, you mean?

Friend 1: Rude again.

Friend 2: All right, I’m sorry, but your obliviousness to everything in life drives me bonkers sometimes.  Please wait until next Saturday, and I’ll climb up there with you.  You can think of me as a tour guide who even brings along snacks.

Friend 1: …Snacks, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!  And I can show you all the good spots where there are great views.

Friend 1: Well….

Friend 2: Pleeeease?  I can’t believe I’m begging you to let me save you from yourself.

Friend 1: All right, fine, if you want the company that badly –

Friend 2: Great!  Come over to my house and I’ll drive us; bring a backpack with water and lunch for later, dress in layers, and get to me by 7 because those parking lots fill up fast, bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: …Wait, 7 A.M.?!

SATURDAY

(At the beginning of Mount Tammany’s Red Dot Trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 arrive on foot with their gear after crossing under Route 80)

Friend 1: I am baffled that we have to walk to start our walk.  You weren’t kidding about those parking lots – do that many tourists want to spend their weekend doing extreme walking?!

Friend 2: A lot do, but there’s also kayaking, and fishing, and camping, and other stuff around here – but I think those full lots were for the mountain, and a bunch of people are from out-of-state too since we’re right by the border and an interstate road.

Friend 1: Well, I’m not out-of-breath yet, so let’s get this show on the road.  (Sees steep steps up the side of the mountain) Wait, this is the start?!

Friend 2: Yep!  Let the ascent begin!  (Starts climbing the steps)

Friend 1: (Visually follows the steps up, very high very fast) OK… OK… this is the warm-up, you can do this.  (Stars climbing the steps; after a minute, looks off to the right and down) Hm, who left their toy cars down there…?  Oh.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 have tied their long-sleeve shirts around their waists so that their short-sleeve shirts can take over)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a wall of boulders) Here we go!  The steep boulders I mentioned where you have to use your hands to climb up!

Friend 1: (Panting, stops to stare at the wall) This has to be a mistake – I think we lost the regular foot trail somewhere in the woods back there.

Friend 2: Nope!  This is the trail!  (Points to three red dots painted on the rocks showing that this is, indeed, the trail)

Friend 1: Ummm….

Friend 2: Want to rest a bit first?

Friend 1: No….

Friend 2: Want to turn back?

Friend 1: No!  Just give me a second…. (A family passes them and scrambles up the rocks without hesitation, adults and young kids alike; Friend 2 raises eyebrows meaningfully at Friend 1) Not a word.  (Begins gingerly scrambling up the rocks, joined by Friend 2)

Friend 2: (As they are part-way up) Not so bad, huh?

Friend 1: (Almost horizontal on hands and feet) I feel like a goat!

(A runner approaching from the opposite direction scrambles down the rocks, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: Morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop)

Friend 2: (Pausing on the climb to wave) Morning!

Friend 1: (Not pausing) Eugh.

(Both reach the top of the boulder section of the trail and pull over to take a water break)

Friend 2: Congratulations!  You cleared the first real hurdle.

Friend 1: (Almost spit-takes) “First”?!

Friend 2: Oh yeah, there’s a bigger set coming up, and the summit itself, and then the way down has –

Friend 1: Never mind: I’ll find out as we get there.

Friend 2: You’re doing great so far, you know: haven’t fallen off the mountain once.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I’m shamed by our compatriots on the trail.

Friend 2: Don’t be: they’ve probably all done this or something like it before, or are kids who aren’t afraid of anything, but they’ll learn.  (Stares into the distance before taking another gulp of water) Oh, they’ll learn….

Friend 1: I guess, but did you see that one who’s doing all this climbing and lugging around a camera the entire way?  And I don’t mean a dinky amateur camera, I mean a huge video camera with a giant microphone attached, the works.

Friend 2: Yeah – probably somebody filming for their channel.  Normally I’d be annoyed at the intrusiveness, but instead I’m just impressed at the physical coordination needed to pull it off.

Friend 1: (Nods and drinks more water) Same.

FORTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the summit of Mount Tammany in New Jersey, which has a view of Mount Minsi across the Delaware River in Pennsylvania, and a ledge of rocks leading down slightly where hikers are scattered throughout, resting and admiring the scenery)

Friend 1: (Pauses in collapsing to stare at the breathtaking view) Wow….

Friend 2: (Enthusiastically rubs Friend 1’s shoulder) Yay, you made it!  How does it feel?

Friend 1: (Swaying) Intimidating… exhausting….

Friend 2: Here, sit down.  (Guides Friend 1 to a nearby boulder to sit) I’m gonna go down there to get some pictures – wanna come by in a few minutes?

Friend 1: (Shakes head breathlessly) No thanks: I’ve never had vertigo before, but I do now.

Friend 2: All right; I’ll be back in a bit!  (Hops from boulder to boulder down the ledge)

Friend 1: Have at it.  (Drinks more water, then looks to the left and sees an equally exhausted hiker lying across a boulder) First time too?  (Hiker rolls eyes and nods, gasping) Right there with you.  (After a few minutes, Friend 1 stands and starts taking in a more panoramic view of the other mountain, the river, and forests on both sides of the Delaware Water Gap) So I guess this is what all the fuss is about, huh.

(The hiker with the camera suddenly bursts onto the summit, walking backwards while filming self)

Content Creator: Hey folks!  We finally made it to the top of Mount Tammany, and whoo-whee, what a ride it’s been, am-I-right?!  (Swings the camera around to capture the stunning scenery) But I tell ya, this view is all worth it!  Who cares about all the cuts, bruises, getting lost, and falling on the way when this is what awaits you, am-I-right?!  (Spots Friend 1 and hops across boulders to focus the camera on both of them) Hey there!  This your first time climbing Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: (Staring frozen into the camera) Uhhhhh....

Content Creator: Don’t be shy – tell my viewers how absolutely amazing this entire experience has been for your soul!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Content Creator: I mean, don’t you feel completely transformed and revitalized by the very act of climbing an actual mountain and getting to the tip-top just to fully understand how totally and utterly insignificant you are on this planet, let alone the universe?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Friend 2: (Hopping up boulders back to Friend 1, waving arms at Content Creator) Hey, buzz off!

Content Creator: (Hops to another boulder at Friend 2’s rapid approach, but winds up slipping off the edge and sliding on the ground down, down, down; turns the camera back to self on the way) Well folks, we’re heading back down the mountain now a little ahead of schedule, so we’ll meet up again at the bottom – ooh, make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe”…. (Fades away)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?

Friend 1: (Finally unfrozen) No, actually I’m very upset!

Friend 2: I know, that one was way out of line –

Friend 1: No, I mean, my one chance for Internet fame and I blew it!

Friend 2: You’re something else, you know that?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Right – want to head back down now?

Friend 1: Sure: we already did the worst part, should be smooth sailing going downhill, right?

Friend 2: (As they start on the Blue Dot Trail going down the mountain) Well….

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: (Holds out a granola bar) Here, have a snack.

Friend 1: Ooh, crunchy.  (Consumes the bar in two bites as they both continue their hike)

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate around rocks and tree roots as they continue to hike down the mountain)

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree while stepping down rocks) I thought we were done with the boulders!

Friend 2: (Up ahead) We are – I think this used to be a riverbed.  You know, a lot of this was left over when a glacier passed through.

Friend 1: (Now dangling from a low tree branch) Almost the entire Earth has had glaciers passing through!  That’s no excuse!

(Runner approaches from the opposite direction, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: (While passing Friend 1) Afternoon.

Friend 1: (Still dangling from the branch) Oh, shut up!  (Runner stops and frowns) Sorry – clearly, I’m not at my best at the moment.

Runner: (Nods) Got it.  (Continues jogging lightly up the rocks)

Friend 2: (Walking back toward Friend 1) Need some help?

Friend 1: (Starts swinging) Nope – (Lets go of the branch and lands heavily on the ground, barely missing the rocks)

Friend 2: (Runs over) You OK?!  Did you break anything?!

Friend 1: (Stands quickly) Surprisingly, no.  Bet that would’ve been a real disaster, huh?

Friend 2: For you, maybe: I’d be calling park rangers or paramedics to get you out of here, `cause I certainly wouldn’t be carrying you the rest of the way.

Friend 1: (As they both start walking again) I know.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the end of the final trail, which is at the same parking lot where they started)

Friend 1: (Raises arms in triumph) At last!  Route 80!

Friend 2: You seem more excited about that than the lovely waterfall and rapids we passed not too long ago.

Friend 1: Oh, well, those were beautiful and all, but this!  (Gestures to the interstate traffic) This means that I made it!  To the end, without any accidents, and I can finally say that I climbed –

Friend 2: Hiked.

Friend 1: Hiked a mountain!  (Briefly rests a hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Thank you for your help and guidance, and for believing in me.

Friend 2: Honestly, I didn’t think you’d make it past the first set of boulders and we’d turn around then, so everything after that’s been a pleasant surprise.

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2’s shoulder and nods) You’re welcome.  (Turns back to face Route 80 and sighs in relief and contentment)

Friend 2: So, we’ll head back to the car, get our lunches, and eat at one of the picnic tables before starting the hour-and-a-half drive back home, yeah?

Friend 1: Sounds like a great way to bask in our victory over the mountain.  (Turns back to Mount Tammany and salutes) You were a worthy foe, but once again our puny species has defeated you!

Friend 2: The mountain’ll be here long after we’re dead.

Friend 1: True, but my point’s been made nonetheless.  (Takes a step then gasps, eyes wide and fists clenched)

Friend 2: (Taking out the water bottle to finish it off) What’s up?

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) I don’t believe it – after all those boulders, I don’t believe it –

Friend 2: (Sighs) What is it this time you don’t believe?

Friend 1: That I hiked an entire mountain, and just now stepped on a pebble and sprained my ankle!

Story 416: What’s So Grand About That Canyon?

 (The tour bus parks in Grand Canyon National Park’s South Rim Visitor Center lot and deposits its human contents onto the nearest sidewalk)

Tour Leader: (Assembling the group off to the side) All right everyone, you can either come with me on the planned stops on the itinerary, or you can go do your own thing and meet us back here at 5 p.m. ON THE DOT for our return trip to Vegas.  It’s another four-plus hour drive back, so if you’re a second late, we are not waiting for you.  (Sees a raised hand in the group) Yes?

Friend 1: We getting dinner on the ride back?

Tour Leader: You get breakfast on the ride here?

Friend 1: Disappointingly, no.

Tour Leader: Same answer – anyone else?  (No one else) OK all: disperse!  (Most of the group members disperse; four remain with Tour Leader) Right, the rest you get to ride the shuttle buses with me to all the lookout points and attend a surprisingly fascinating lecture on geology.

Remaining Group Members: Yippee!  (They cheer all the way over to a nearby shuttle bus stop and line up for the short wait)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk to the Visitor Center building)

Friend 2: Isn’t this so exciting?!  We finally made it to the Grand Canyon, one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World!

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: I’m going to ignore that dismissal.

Friend 1: A giant, asymmetrical chasm with a barely visible river at the way bottom, and everyone loses their minds and thousands of dollars a year to stare at it; I just don’t get it.

Friend 2: Oh come on, once you really see it I’m sure you’ll be awe-inspired and breath-taken the same as everyone else.

Friend 1: You know I’m only here to say I hiked down into it.  I’m just glad this is a day trip – we’re losing valuable Vegas time here.

Friend 2: You don’t even gamble: you just wanted to see the dancing waters and living statues on The Strip!

Friend 1: Yeah, but it’s Vegas, baby.  I have to live the Vegas life; whatever happens there stays there; Sin City is calling me –

Friend 2: Remind me of all that when you fall asleep in the hotel room after dinner again.

(A park ranger greets them at a table in front of the Visitor Center)

Ranger: Hello there!  First time at the Grand Canyon?

Friend 1: Is it that obvious?

Ranger: We say that to everyone: makes them feel special either way.  So, need help with anything?

Friend 2: Yes, we actually would like to hike down into the Canyon a bit and need some guidance on the types of trails here.

Friend 1: Preferably ones that are paved flat.

Ranger: Well, you definitely aren’t prepared for this.

Friend 1: Hey!

Ranger: You need lots of water, lots of snacks, be in excellent physical shape, and know your limits.

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Ranger: (Hands a map to Friend 2, the only one of the pair carrying a well-stocked knapsack) I recommend these two trails – (Points to those areas on the map) and keep in mind that it takes twice as long to get back up as it does to go down.  However, the South Rim Trail is paved flat for a long portion and offers fantastic views.

Friend 1: (Peers over at the map) A perimeter trail?  Pah!  We want to walk into the Canyon, have lunch at the Colorado River once we reach the bottom, walk up the other side to the North Rim, walk around that to get to the East Rim, and go along that to end back here, paying our respects along the way to each of the First Nations who still live here – maybe cutting over to the West Rim and back if, you know, we have a bit of time toward the end.

(Friend 2 has been slowly shaking their head during this; Ranger stares at Friend 1, then laughs hysterically)

Friend 2: We’ll probably stick to the South Rim Trail and maybe one of these – thanks!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm to lead both of them to a shuttle bus stop)

Friend 1: (Looking back at Ranger, who is still laughing and now banging the table in glee) A bit rude, don’t you think?

Friend 2: Did you even read up on this place before we planned the trip here?!

Friend 1: What’s to read up?  We’re gonna be walking around staring at a giant hole filled with a bunch of rocks!

Friend 2: I think I may leave you here.

(They ride the shuttle to the South Kaibab Trail stop and walk from there to the trailhead – several signs on the way warn of the dangers of dehydration and hyperthermia)

Friend 1: All this fuss over a walk in the park – (Finally sees the Grand Canyon in full view) oh.

Friend 2: (Spreads arms wide) Here it is!  (Takes out a camera and walks slightly closer to the edge for pictures) Ahhhhhhh, so majestic.  (To Friend 1, who still is staring at the view) You need to sit down?

Friend 1: (Gulps) N-no, just feeling a bit existentially insignificant right now; I’ll be fine in a second.  (Suddenly realizes a large elk has approached) Oh, hello there.  Want a granola bar?  (Starts to reach into pants pocket)

Friend 2: (Rushes over) Don’t give the pure animal our chemical rot!  (Drags away Friend 1)

Friend 1: But it’s granola!

Friend 2: Haven’t they suffered enough?!

(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 to the trailhead and they begin their descent)

Friend 1: (Pauses to stare down at the multiple switchbacks along the path into the Canyon, filled with tourists) Huh – lot of people with ski poles here, yet not a drop of snow in sight.

Friend 2: Those help with hiking; for you, just keep a steady pace and don’t rush.  (Continues down the path)

Friend 1: Ha!  You’re talking to the local park trail hiker expert here: I can walk a mile in less than the average 20 minutes!  (Starts walking after Friend 2, muttering) I know what I’m doing.

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: Slow down!

Friend 2: I have slowed down!  Any slower and I’d be moving backwards!

Friend 1: (Panting while stopping for a drink of water, holding one hand against the Canyon wall for support) I think – the altitude – is getting to me – is this the bends?

Friend 2: The bends would be the ocean, but you’re right about the altitude; if you’re having trouble with that then you should go back.

Friend 1: NEVER!  We are making it to the bottom at all costs!

Friend 2: I’d like to make it at least to Ooh Aah Point, so I can stand there and go “Ooh, aah.”

Friend 1: Haven’t we been doing that this entire time?

(Hikers with ski poles pass them on the way down)

Hiker 1: (To Friend 1) You all right?

Friend 1: Just because we’re all on this deceptively dangerous incline together does not mean you are welcome to be familiar with strangers.

Hiker 2: (To Hiker 1 as they continue on the trail) That one’s a helicopter ride back up.

Friend 1: I heard that!

Friend 2: Want to rest some more or keep on going?

Friend 1: (Recaps the water bottle) No: I am ready.  I can face anything now, even this mockingly vertical trail.

 TWO MINUTES LATER

 (Friend 1 is hugging the ground and shimmying backwards down the trail; Friend 2 impatiently waits at a turn up ahead)

Friend 2: I repeat: I can go back up with you if you want.

Friend 1: (Coughing up dust and pebbles) Nope!  You go on ahead – I’ll catch up in a second.  (Slides down a bit on some smooth rocks)

(A mule train with tourists steadily passes them on its way back up the Canyon)

Mule Tour Guide: (To Friend 1) You need to go back up, now.

Friend 1: I take no orders from animal exploiters!  (To the tourists as they pass) That’s right!  I highly doubt the mules actually enjoy lugging your sorry selves up and down this treacherous pit!  (Raises a fist in the air) Free the mules!  (Slides down the trail some more)

Friend 2: (Carefully hurries over and helps Friend 1 stand) Here – we’re going back to the top.

Friend 1: (Mildly delirious) But – Ooh Aah?

Friend 2: This is close enough for me.

 ONE HOUR LATER

(They stagger to the beginning of the trailhead and pass a few hikers having a picnic)

Hiker 1: (Clapping) Woo-hoo!  You made it!

Friend 1: (Being supported by Friend 2) We are not friends.

(Friend 2 leads Friend 1 to an open area looking out over the Grand Canyon where they sit with food and water)

Friend 1: (Slightly recovered) Well, that certainly wasn’t like the park trails at home.

Friend 2: That’s pretty much what everyone has been telling you since before we got here.

(They stare at the view for a while in silence; a squirrel approaches them, looking for food)

Friend 1: Heh – I read that you shouldn’t feed the squirrels around here and make sure they don’t bite you, `cause they carry the bubonic plague.  Can you believe it, the bubonic plague?  Feels so medieval.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) Out of all the history and culture and science surrounding this place, that’s what you retained?!

Friend 1: It struck my sick fancy.