Story 416: What’s So Grand About That Canyon?

 (The tour bus parks in Grand Canyon National Park’s South Rim Visitor Center lot and deposits its human contents onto the nearest sidewalk)

Tour Leader: (Assembling the group off to the side) All right everyone, you can either come with me on the planned stops on the itinerary, or you can go do your own thing and meet us back here at 5 p.m. ON THE DOT for our return trip to Vegas.  It’s another four-plus hour drive back, so if you’re a second late, we are not waiting for you.  (Sees a raised hand in the group) Yes?

Friend 1: We getting dinner on the ride back?

Tour Leader: You get breakfast on the ride here?

Friend 1: Disappointingly, no.

Tour Leader: Same answer – anyone else?  (No one else) OK all: disperse!  (Most of the group members disperse; four remain with Tour Leader) Right, the rest you get to ride the shuttle buses with me to all the lookout points and attend a surprisingly fascinating lecture on geology.

Remaining Group Members: Yippee!  (They cheer all the way over to a nearby shuttle bus stop and line up for the short wait)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk to the Visitor Center building)

Friend 2: Isn’t this so exciting?!  We finally made it to the Grand Canyon, one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World!

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: I’m going to ignore that dismissal.

Friend 1: A giant, asymmetrical chasm with a barely visible river at the way bottom, and everyone loses their minds and thousands of dollars a year to stare at it; I just don’t get it.

Friend 2: Oh come on, once you really see it I’m sure you’ll be awe-inspired and breath-taken the same as everyone else.

Friend 1: You know I’m only here to say I hiked down into it.  I’m just glad this is a day trip – we’re losing valuable Vegas time here.

Friend 2: You don’t even gamble: you just wanted to see the dancing waters and living statues on The Strip!

Friend 1: Yeah, but it’s Vegas, baby.  I have to live the Vegas life; whatever happens there stays there; Sin City is calling me –

Friend 2: Remind me of all that when you fall asleep in the hotel room after dinner again.

(A park ranger greets them at a table in front of the Visitor Center)

Ranger: Hello there!  First time at the Grand Canyon?

Friend 1: Is it that obvious?

Ranger: We say that to everyone: makes them feel special either way.  So, need help with anything?

Friend 2: Yes, we actually would like to hike down into the Canyon a bit and need some guidance on the types of trails here.

Friend 1: Preferably ones that are paved flat.

Ranger: Well, you definitely aren’t prepared for this.

Friend 1: Hey!

Ranger: You need lots of water, lots of snacks, be in excellent physical shape, and know your limits.

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Ranger: (Hands a map to Friend 2, the only one of the pair carrying a well-stocked knapsack) I recommend these two trails – (Points to those areas on the map) and keep in mind that it takes twice as long to get back up as it does to go down.  However, the South Rim Trail is paved flat for a long portion and offers fantastic views.

Friend 1: (Peers over at the map) A perimeter trail?  Pah!  We want to walk into the Canyon, have lunch at the Colorado River once we reach the bottom, walk up the other side to the North Rim, walk around that to get to the East Rim, and go along that to end back here, paying our respects along the way to each of the First Nations who still live here – maybe cutting over to the West Rim and back if, you know, we have a bit of time toward the end.

(Friend 2 has been slowly shaking their head during this; Ranger stares at Friend 1, then laughs hysterically)

Friend 2: We’ll probably stick to the South Rim Trail and maybe one of these – thanks!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm to lead both of them to a shuttle bus stop)

Friend 1: (Looking back at Ranger, who is still laughing and now banging the table in glee) A bit rude, don’t you think?

Friend 2: Did you even read up on this place before we planned the trip here?!

Friend 1: What’s to read up?  We’re gonna be walking around staring at a giant hole filled with a bunch of rocks!

Friend 2: I think I may leave you here.

(They ride the shuttle to the South Kaibab Trail stop and walk from there to the trailhead – several signs on the way warn of the dangers of dehydration and hyperthermia)

Friend 1: All this fuss over a walk in the park – (Finally sees the Grand Canyon in full view) oh.

Friend 2: (Spreads arms wide) Here it is!  (Takes out a camera and walks slightly closer to the edge for pictures) Ahhhhhhh, so majestic.  (To Friend 1, who still is staring at the view) You need to sit down?

Friend 1: (Gulps) N-no, just feeling a bit existentially insignificant right now; I’ll be fine in a second.  (Suddenly realizes a large elk has approached) Oh, hello there.  Want a granola bar?  (Starts to reach into pants pocket)

Friend 2: (Rushes over) Don’t give the pure animal our chemical rot!  (Drags away Friend 1)

Friend 1: But it’s granola!

Friend 2: Haven’t they suffered enough?!

(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 to the trailhead and they begin their descent)

Friend 1: (Pauses to stare down at the multiple switchbacks along the path into the Canyon, filled with tourists) Huh – lot of people with ski poles here, yet not a drop of snow in sight.

Friend 2: Those help with hiking; for you, just keep a steady pace and don’t rush.  (Continues down the path)

Friend 1: Ha!  You’re talking to the local park trail hiker expert here: I can walk a mile in less than the average 20 minutes!  (Starts walking after Friend 2, muttering) I know what I’m doing.

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: Slow down!

Friend 2: I have slowed down!  Any slower and I’d be moving backwards!

Friend 1: (Panting while stopping for a drink of water, holding one hand against the Canyon wall for support) I think – the altitude – is getting to me – is this the bends?

Friend 2: The bends would be the ocean, but you’re right about the altitude; if you’re having trouble with that then you should go back.

Friend 1: NEVER!  We are making it to the bottom at all costs!

Friend 2: I’d like to make it at least to Ooh Aah Point, so I can stand there and go “Ooh, aah.”

Friend 1: Haven’t we been doing that this entire time?

(Hikers with ski poles pass them on the way down)

Hiker 1: (To Friend 1) You all right?

Friend 1: Just because we’re all on this deceptively dangerous incline together does not mean you are welcome to be familiar with strangers.

Hiker 2: (To Hiker 1 as they continue on the trail) That one’s a helicopter ride back up.

Friend 1: I heard that!

Friend 2: Want to rest some more or keep on going?

Friend 1: (Recaps the water bottle) No: I am ready.  I can face anything now, even this mockingly vertical trail.

 TWO MINUTES LATER

 (Friend 1 is hugging the ground and shimmying backwards down the trail; Friend 2 impatiently waits at a turn up ahead)

Friend 2: I repeat: I can go back up with you if you want.

Friend 1: (Coughing up dust and pebbles) Nope!  You go on ahead – I’ll catch up in a second.  (Slides down a bit on some smooth rocks)

(A mule train with tourists steadily passes them on its way back up the Canyon)

Mule Tour Guide: (To Friend 1) You need to go back up, now.

Friend 1: I take no orders from animal exploiters!  (To the tourists as they pass) That’s right!  I highly doubt the mules actually enjoy lugging your sorry selves up and down this treacherous pit!  (Raises a fist in the air) Free the mules!  (Slides down the trail some more)

Friend 2: (Carefully hurries over and helps Friend 1 stand) Here – we’re going back to the top.

Friend 1: (Mildly delirious) But – Ooh Aah?

Friend 2: This is close enough for me.

 ONE HOUR LATER

(They stagger to the beginning of the trailhead and pass a few hikers having a picnic)

Hiker 1: (Clapping) Woo-hoo!  You made it!

Friend 1: (Being supported by Friend 2) We are not friends.

(Friend 2 leads Friend 1 to an open area looking out over the Grand Canyon where they sit with food and water)

Friend 1: (Slightly recovered) Well, that certainly wasn’t like the park trails at home.

Friend 2: That’s pretty much what everyone has been telling you since before we got here.

(They stare at the view for a while in silence; a squirrel approaches them, looking for food)

Friend 1: Heh – I read that you shouldn’t feed the squirrels around here and make sure they don’t bite you, `cause they carry the bubonic plague.  Can you believe it, the bubonic plague?  Feels so medieval.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) Out of all the history and culture and science surrounding this place, that’s what you retained?!

Friend 1: It struck my sick fancy.

Story 286: Self-Appointed Travel Agent

            (The Family gathered `round for a social media fireside chat)

           Parent 1: Right, since no one else has taken the initiative this year, I’m going to go ahead and plan our entire summer vacation, everyone OK with that?  Speak now, or never complain about anything ever again.

            Parent 2: OK.

            Child 1: OK.

            Child 2: OK.

            Cousin: OK.

            Parent 1: Who invited you?!

            Cousin: You did, last year.

            Parent 1: I what?  Oh yeah, never mind.  Well, if you still want to be the fifth wheel, you have absolutely no input regarding the week we go or the activities we do.

            Cousin: Fine by me – I do nothing anyway, so this’ll be a nice change.

            Child 1: Can we go to Disney World this year?

            Parent 1: We already did Disney World!

            Child 1: Yeah, like 25 years ago!  I wanna go again!

            Parent 1: You’re a grown man, son, no more Disney for you!

            Child 1: I’m stuck in arrested development!  And Disney owns everything and is a nerd haven now; those are my people!

            Child 2: I veto Disney and propose Qatar.

            Parent 1: Where now?!

          Child 2: It’s like Las Vegas, only more refined.  Everyone there is super-rich and I want to absorb their joy.

            Parent 2: I vote for Glastonbury Festival.

            Parent 1: Not this again – last time you hated all the bands and forgot to bring the tent so we had to re-enact Woodstock conditions!

         Parent 2: I realized later what a truly memorable experience it was and I would appreciate it all the more this time.  In a luxury tent.

          Parent 1: Well I veto you all since you literally had an entire year to make up your minds before now.  I declare that this summer, our destination will be: Cape April.

            Parent 2: Oh.

            Child 1: Oh.

            Child 2: Oh.

            Cousin: YESSSSSSS!!!!!

          Parent 1: My decision is final and I will brook no argument – you either remain on complaint silence throughout the entire stay, or book your own vacation that you then will take alone and bored.

            Parent 2: Well, that town is very tranquil.

          Parent 1: It is a city, it is bristling with activities, and the whole thing was made a historic landmark so it is a very exciting place to be!  We will be taking enriching self-guided tours and steeping ourselves in cultured talks and lounging for hours at the dignified beaches and there will be absolutely no whining, DO YOU HEAR ME????

            Child 2: Please stop yelling by text – it hurts my ears and I don’t know why.

          Child 1: If you’re going to be the one booking everything, do we still have to split all the costs?

            Parent 1: You have five seconds to withdraw that abominable question.

ON THE VACATION

            (The Family arrives by car and checks into their multi-room suite)

            Parent 1: All right, now that the interminable check-in process finally is over, I want to review our itinerary for the week.  (Flicks open a five-foot long scroll)

            Parent 2: Wiiiillllll we have time for all this?

          Parent 1: Yes: I have everything scheduled down to the minute, so I require everyone’s full cooperation.  Now, we have precisely 23 said minutes to go over this and then relax before we head over to the city center for the two hours allotted to “Shopping Time.”

            Cousin: (Sprawled across an armchair, rolls head back) Uggggghhhhhh…..

           Parent 1: I had no choice: the activity would have been done no matter what, so at least this way I control the location and duration.

            Child 2: Aw, no fair, I also wanted to shop over on the west side!  And the east side!  And the south side!  And two hours isn’t nearly enough for all of that!

            Parent 1: Too bad, it’s this or nothing!  Now, when we return from that, it’s off to dinner next door for 1.5 to 2 hours depending on the crowds, then miniature golf down the street for another hour, then ice cream that we can eat on the way back, then if all goes well, a few rounds of pinochle in the room here before promptly retiring to bed at 10:30 p.m. sharp.  Tomorrow, we get up at 6:00 a.m. for an hour run before breakfast back in the room here, then off by quaint trolley car to the Historical Society to listen to a rousing session on “The Legacy of Colonial Imperialism: How Nostalgic Décor Masks the Truth of Oppression,” then –

            Parent 2: Wait a minute, when are we going to go to the beach?

           Parent 1: I’m getting to that!  Then, it’s lunchtime at the café on the corner, which should wrap up by 1:30 p.m. at the latest so we have enough time to get changed and head over to the beach, which we then should leave by 5:00 p.m. at the latest so we can get to dinner by 6:30 p.m. at the latest –

            Cousin: Whatever – I’m going to be surfing all day every day, so just let me know what times you’re eating and maybe I’ll meet up with you.  I’ll probably just grab something, though.

            Parent 1: Just… grab… something?  Where?  When?  What?

           Cousin: I’ll figure it out; there're tons of places around here and they’re open extra late for all the tourists, which we are.

            Parent 1: But – but – the uncertainty –

           Child 1: Yeah, I think I’ll skip both the talk and the beach tomorrow: I saw there’s a dolphin watching boat nearby and I want to go on that instead.

            Parent 1: Dolphin watching’s on Thursday!

            Child 2: I think I’ll skip tomorrow, too – I really just want to shop in a bunch of stores, then spent the rest of the week here at the beach.

            Parent 1: I quite generously carved out two hours today to get those shenanigans out of your system!  You can shop anywhere and anytime back at home!  

            Child 2: Yeah, but they have cool shore stuff here.

            Parent 1: Stuff?!

           Parent 2: You know, I wanted to hike in The Nature Conservancy preserve that’s down here, and there isn’t one anywhere by us – is that on the itinerary?

           Parent 1: Why would it be?!  Why would you be hiking at a time like this, we are on vacation, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING!!!

         Cousin: (Gently plucks the scroll from Parent 1’s wildly waving hand) How about we all go through this together and decide which items which of us want to do, and arrange to meet up throughout the day?

           Parent 1: (Collapses onto the sleeper sofa) Oh all right, this trip is already chaos, might as well give into the anarchy!

            Parent 2: There now, doesn’t letting go feel relaxing?

            Parent 1: No!  Well maybe a bit.