Story 421: The Joy of Wrapping Presents

 DECEMBER 23

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while baking cookies) Hi – what’s up?

Friend 1: (On the phone while walking through a beyond-crowded mall) Oh, not much: just doing my annual last-minute holiday shopping, same as the rest of the world here with me right now.  (Waves to the crowds)

Crowds: (Waving to Friend 1) Hiiiiiii!!!! (Resume frenzy)

Friend 1: You done with your shopping yet?

Friend 2: Hanukkah was over three weeks ago this year, so, yeah.

Friend 1: Right.  Lucky.

Friend 2: Also lucky you and I don’t exchange gifts – one less person to shop for.

Friend 1: Best present ever.  I should be done here in another three hours, but the mall closes in two so everyone’ll just have to take whatever I wind up with by then.

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.

Friend 1: (Passing by a card store) Shoot, I just remembered I also have to get more wrapping paper and bows and all that garbage – maybe four hours.

Friend 2: Why not just get gift bags for everybody?  Then you can throw whatever gift in there and fluff some tissue paper around it and that’s that: minimal effort involved.

Friend 1: Ugh, who wants all gift bags?!  That’s the lazy way out – Christmas unequivocally requires tearing apart massive amounts of paper and high-tensile ribbon to reveal the glory within.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Might be easier on you, though – I’ve seen your wrapping in action, and it’s not pretty.

Friend 1: What?!  I know how to wrap!  (Teenagers passing by start to lay down a beat; to Teenagers) Not “rap” – (Holds up all the shopping bags) “wrap!”

Teenagers: (In realization) Ohhhhhh.... (Move along)

Friend 2: You may know in theory, but the reality has a bit lost in translation.

Friend 1: I’ll show you!  I’ll show ALL OF YOU!

Friend 2: Who else are you talking to?

Friend 1: You know – The World.

Friend 2: `K, I’ll let you get to it then – bye.  (Disconnects the call and leisurely starts a new batch of cookies while humming) I love this time of year.

Friend 1: (Scrambles to put away the phone, dropping every other bag) I hate this time of year!

Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, shoppers: the mall will be closing in 30 minutes – we ask at this time that you please begin to get out –

Friend 1: WHAT?!  (Drops the remaining bags while scrambling to look at a watch) HOW DID I LOSE TWO HOURS?!

Parent: (Passing by, surrounded by small children) Very easily.

 DECEMBER 24

(In apartment, Friend 1 is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by gifts, wrapping paper, bows, ribbons, gift bags, tissue paper, tags, and a pen)

Friend 1: Right.  Start with the biggest one first.  (Grabs an asymmetrical package) Well, no one’d actually expect this this to be wrapped.  (Dumps it into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result)  Right.  Next!  (Grabs a rectangular department store box, measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) Grrrrrr – no, no, mustn’t flip out, I can use the paper for something else, we’ll just try again.  (Measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) GRRRR – OK, skip the box, this’ll be a great gift bag, too.  (Dumps the lump of cloth that was in the box into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result) Right.  Next!  (Grabs a smaller box) OK, can’t mess this one up, right?  (Measures the paper, cuts, and fits it perfectly around the box) Heh-heh-heh-heh – (Reaches for the tape and realizes there is none) Son of a – !

 ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 returns from the local office supply store, slams the front door shut, rips off coat, hat, and gloves, plops back onto the living room floor, rips open the tape box, and inserts the roll into the dispenser, grumbling the whole time)

Friend 1: (Taping the perfectly wrapped box) If one more person gets in my way – I did not cut you in line, you tried to cut me – whoever designed that parking lot hates people – maybe if you put your shopping cat in the conveniently located corral like a decent human being, it wouldn’t have hit both our cars later – (Finishes the tag and views the box) Ah?  Ahahahahaha!  I did it!  Take that!  (Takes a picture of the wrapped gift and sends it to Friend 2; typing) “In… your… face….” (Sends the message and tosses the phone to the floor) Saying I can’t wrap – maybe you can’t wrap.  (Starts on the next gift and receives a message notification)

Friend 2’s Message: Fluke.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Who… asked… you?!”

Friend 2’s Message. (Several seconds later) You did.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Leave me alone, I need to wrap presents for my loving family!”  (Tosses away the phone)

Friend 2’s Unread Message: You’re ridonkulous.

(Friend 1 wraps the remaining gifts in a whirlwind of activity – most of the packages have crooked seams, barely meeting edges, bulging sides, multiple layers of paper to cover bare sections, and bows, ribbons, and tags anywhere and everywhere)

Friend 1: (Stands up on cramped legs, surveying the disaster) Well, they’ll just have to like it or lump it.

 DECEMBER 25

(At Friend 1’s parents’ house, the family tears apart the hours of wrapping to reveal the glory within)

Friend 1: (Wearing a new fuzzy sweater over pajamas) Well Fam, another good haul this year – I thank ye.

Mother: Yes, thank you both, now let’s clean up this mess.

Father: I’ll get the trash bags.  (Trots out of the living room, brushing wrapping debris off of clothes on the way)

Friend 1: (To Mother) I have to ask: honestly, does my wrapping make you ashamed to call me your child?

Mother: Oh honey, why does it even matter?

Friend 1: It’s been brought to my attention, and by asking why it matters you’re revealing that it does.

Mother: (Laughs and hugs Friend 1) Sweetie.  (Pulls back) You’re being ridonkulous.  (Grabs several gifts to start putting things away)

Friend 1: (Stares at the brightly lit and overly decorated Christmas tree, then looks over at the nativity scene on the nearby table; addresses the newly added Baby Jesus) I guess we should all be thankful I don’t have to wrap you.

Story 420: Romping in a Winter Wonderland

 (In a house, three children are having lunch in the kitchen)

Parent: (Bursts in, waving tickets) Well kids, it took me five years but we’re finally making it to the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder, hooray!

Kid 1: (Applauds with a mouth full of sandwich) Hooray!

Kid 2: Hate to be the downer here, but isn’t that place for, you know….

Kid 3: Kids?

Parent: Yes!  And you’re it!  Them.

Kid 2: True, but five years is a long time in this stage of our existence.

Kid 3: Yeah – I started shaving last month.

Kid 1: Wait, this isn’t the roller coaster park that just does the Santa bit this time of year?

Kid 2: Nope: this is full-on North Pole.

Kid 1: Oh.  (To Parent) I have to retract my “Hooray” – isn’t that place for kids?

Parent: WE ARE GOING.

            (At the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder)

Parent: (Shoving Kids into the park) Go on, my lovelies, pick a place where you’d like to start!

Kid 2: (Looks around at the festive buildings) Um… can we get something to eat in Mrs. Claus’s Candy and Cookie Kitchen?

Parent: You just ate breakfast an hour ago!

Kid 2: Tell that to my growing body.  (Holds stomach as it growls in agreement)

Parent: OK, we’ll get some snacks there, then it’s off to Santa’s Workshop, yippee!

Kid 3: Ooh, you think they’ll let me play with the power tools if I ask nicely?

Parent: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(On the extremely long line to see Santa)

Kid 3: Are they gonna make us sit on his lap?

Parent: What do you mean, “make us”?  Don’t you want the full experience of a benevolent father figure granting your heart’s desire?

Kid 3: It’s just that, I think I’m bigger than he is.

Parent: (Waves dismissively) Fine-fine, stand next to him or whatever then.

Kid 2: Can I do that, too?

Kid 1: Me three?

Parent: You two aren’t bigger than he is.

Kid 2: It feels creepy to sit on a stranger’s lap at my age.

Kid 1: Even if he is a right jolly old elf.

Santa Claus: (Waves to the family) Ho-ho-ho, NEXT!  (None of the Kids move)

Parent: You wimps, I’ll do it!  (Runs up to the platform and hops onto Santa’s lap)

Santa Claus: Oof!  You’re quite a big child there, ho-ho-hm.

Parent: Hi Santa, all I want this year is three grateful children, please.

Santa Claus: You and me both – (Holds out a candy cane) take this and scram, you’re cutting off the circulation to my legs.

Parent: (Takes the candy cane and leaps off of Santa Claus) Thank you!  (To Kid 1) Get up there!

Kid 1: (Approaches Santa Claus, remains standing) Hi Santa, could I have a quote-unquote “normal” parent this year?

Santa Claus: Mild embarrassment aside, you don’t know how lucky you have it.  (Tosses a candy cane at Kid 1) Now get outta here and let through the ones who actually want to see me.  (Kid 2 and Kid 3 walk off the line, following Kid 1)

Parent: If those two are gonna skip, can I take their places?

Santa Claus: Don’t be greedy, now beat it!

(The family arrives at a ride featuring flying reindeer)

Parent: Yes!  Let’s go on this one, it’ll be perfect to ride those just as it’s starting to snow!

Kid 1: That sounds more magical than I think it’ll turn out to be.

(They wait on line for an hour, then climb aboard the reindeer that fly in a circle and up-and-down)

Parent: (Waving arms forward) On Dasher, on Dancer, wheee!

Kid 1: (Looking out at the parking lot) Hey, I can see the car from here!

Kid 2: (Looking up) I can see the sun from here!  This is super high, oh-my-gosh!

Kid 3: (Stuck at the bottom of the vertical arc) I think mine’s broken.

(In the car on the way home)

Parent: Well kids, I know this was five years too late for you to fully appreciate it, but I hope you had at least some fun today in this excursion of merriment.

Kid 1: Yeah, the one ride was pretty fun in the blizzard and all.

Kid 2: My favorite was the Elf Chip Cookies.  And the giant hot cocoa with the giant marshmallows.  And the Yule Log Hot Dogs.  And the Peppermint Hamburger Patties.  And the –

Kid 3: I enjoyed seeing the wonder and magic shared by everyone there, and that special feeling only this season brings.  And the Yule Log Hot Dogs were pretty sweet, too.

Parent: That’s the spirit!  And because you all were so good today, I’m going to give you an extra special gift!

Kids 1-3: (Eagerly) What?

Parent: Next year, I’m going without you!

Kid 2: Probably for the best – we’d only slow you down.

Story 419: Delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus

 (In a crowded post office in mid-December)

Postal Worker 1: (Processing transactions on autopilot) Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need guaranteed two-day delivery for an extra $22.65 –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need any stamps –

Customer 1: No-no-no-what’s-the-total?

Postal Worker 1: (Types a few keys after weighing the packages) $172.49.

Customer 1: (Roughly swipes a credit card through the reader on the counter) This is the last time I’m sending those brats what they demand on their gimme list – next year everyone’s getting gift cards and they can buy their own garbage.

Postal Worker 1: That’s my philosophy.  (Moves the packages to another area for shipping and hands over the receipt) Happy Holidays.

Customer 1: (Shoves the receipt into a wallet) Thanks, but they haven’t been for years.  (Navigates through the crowd to the exit in a funk)

Postal Worker 1: (Mutters while running a report on the cash register) I hear ya.  (Peers closer at the computer screen as Customer 2 approaches the counter) What do you mean, the drawer’s short $9.72?!  I’ve barely opened it today!

Postal Worker 2: (Stationed at the next register; does not look up from processing a transaction) All I know is, if this sound system plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” one more time, my brain’s gonna melt right outta my ears.

Postal Worker 1: (Still staring at the computer screen as Customer 2 places a package on the counter) Yeah, that one and “Jingle Bells.”  Or “Deck the Halls.”  Or – you know what, pretty much all of them; just give me silence as the soundtrack for the rest of the year.  (Glances up and sees Customer 2 is a 10-year-old child) Hello, how can I help you today – need any stamps?

Customer 2: I have a delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus, please.

Postal Worker 1: (Turns attention back to the computer screen) Letters to Santa go in the special mailbox in the lobby.

Customer 2: Oh no, this actually is a gift – for Santa and Mrs. Claus.  (Postal Worker 1 looks up sharply) I mean, they give so much to all of us, I just wanted to give them a small token of appreciation, if that’s all right.

Postal Worker 1: (Solemnly straightens up, pulls out a golden whistle from an uniform pocket, and fills the building with a resounding blast – all activity on the line, at the counter, and in the back room come to a complete halt) Attention, staff members: WE HAVE A DELIVERY FOR SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

(The overhead music screeches to a stop; an inner door at the other end of the lobby flies open and a bundled-up figure driving a dogsled bursts through the crowd to stop in front of Customer 2)

Dogsled Driver: (Points to the box) This the package for the Clauses?

Customer 2: (Nods while pulling out money from pants pockets) Yes, please – how much does shipping to the North Pole cost?

Postal Worker 1: (Wiping away tears) It’s free, bless your little child heart!  Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable?

Customer 2: (Pauses, then shakes head) No, nothing like that.  (Picks up the box and hands it to the Dogsled Driver) I think I got here early enough for this to arrive before Christmas Eve, right?

Dogsled Driver: (Straps the box securely to the sled) Oh, don’t you worry young’un: I’ll get this there in less than a day.  (Gestures to the dog team) They fly like the reindeer, and only go on strike half as much.

Lead Dog: That reminds me: we’re due for one on December 28, if that’s convenient.

Dogsled Driver: (Checks a pocket calendar) Yep, all good for a work stoppage then.  (Hops onto the back of the sled)  Mush, please.  (As the dogs pull the sled back through the lobby and out the front door) Onward to the North Pole!

(The other customers and postal workers applaud wildly and weep loudly in equal measure)

Customer 2: (To Postal Worker 1) Wow, thanks – after all this, I hope they like it.

Postal Worker 1: (Loudly blowing nose) Stop, I’m dissolving in a puddle of cuteness overload here!

(In the North Pole, Dogsled Driver arrives at the house of the Clauses, releases the package from its straps, and raps smartly on the front door)

Santa Claus: (Opening the door) Well ho-ho-hold the phone, I haven’t seen you up here in ages!

Dogsled Driver: (Hands over the package) Hiya, Santa – I have a very special delivery for you and Mrs. Claus from a very special child in the Lower 48 of the US of A.

Santa Claus: Aw, isn’t that precious.  (Calls back into the house) Darling!  There’s a delivery – for us!

Mrs. Claus: (Appears in the doorway carrying a blowtorch and lifting up a face shield) Well, that is very kind indeed – (Sees Dogsled Driver) Hello there; why don’t you and your crew come into the kitchen for milk and cookies?  I’ve got them in oatmeal raisin and bacon.

Dogsled Driver: Gee, thanks Mrs. Claus!  You know, I tried extra hard to be good this year –

Lead Dog: Quit yer yappin’: we’re already getting the treats, don’t gild the lily!  (The dogs drag the sled into the house, Driver holding on at the back)

(Santa and Mrs. Claus close the door and bring the package into a brightly decorated room filled with ornament-festooned trees, toys, model villages, and other seasonal knick-knacks.  They open the box and take out several pairs of different-colored comfy socks, along with a note)

Santa Claus: (Reads) “Dear Santa and Mrs. Claus, I hope I got the right sizes, but if not then I hope your magic can take care of that; I included the gift receipts just in case.  Anyway, thank you for all you do every year, and please know that we all appreciate the good will and cheer you bring to this world.  Sincerely, A Grateful Child (My parents say a gift should be given without expecting anything in return so that’s why this is anonymous, but you may know it’s me anyway)”.  Sweet child, Santa always knows!

Mrs. Claus: (Picks up one of the pairs of socks) Oh my, so very cozy!  These’ll be perfect for my sore feet – how thoughtful!

Santa Claus: (While holding up another pair) And just when I was starting to question why I continue to put us all through this.

Mrs. Claus: Don’t you question that every year?

Santa Claus: Some years more so than others.

Story 385: Spring Has Sprung Without Me

(Sibling 2 answers the phone)

Sibling 2: Hey – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Is that the first thing you think of when I call, that something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Yes: you only call me when something’s wrong, otherwise you just e-mail or text or wait `til we meet in person.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I never realized I was so predictably self-absorbed.

Sibling 2: Don’t trouble yourself – so, what’s up?

Sibling 1: Yeah, so you know how you helped me move into the house about a year ago now?

Sibling 2: Wow, it’s almost a year already?  I feel like we did all that last weekend.

Sibling 1: Don’t get me started on time dilation –

Sibling 2: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Sibling 1: I’m calling because I really haven’t been here all that long, and there’s already a mess.

Sibling 2: Isn’t that just left over from the move?

Sibling 1: That was earlier: this is a whole new mess.  The detritus of life, if you will.

Sibling 2: I’d rather not.

Sibling 1: Well, with the weather finally getting nicer, and Passover and Easter greeting us with the promise of renewal, and Ramadan right around the corner –

Sibling 2: Really?  Seems early this year.

Sibling 1: It can fall on any month of the year since it’s based on a lunar calendar, so there is no “early.”  Anyway, back to me: my brain’s finally registering that it is, at last, spring.

Sibling 2: If you say so – I’m still wearing sweaters every other day.

Sibling 1: And with spring, I feel that I should do the time-honored tradition of… Spring Cleaning.

Sibling 2: AHAHAHAHAHA – oh, you’re serious.  Since when do you do Spring Cleaning?  Or any kind of cleaning, for that matter?

Sibling 1: I clean!  It’s just that the bare minimum I used to get away with at home isn’t going to cut it in my life anymore.

Sibling 2: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Home Ownership.

Sibling 1: Too late, I’ve been there for months.  So, you in?

Sibling 2: On what? You’re taking forever to get to the point.

Sibling 1: Helping me Spring Clean the place on Saturday!

Sibling 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh – what time?

Sibling 1: Preferably before 10, and I’ll order pizza for lunch.

Sibling 2: I’ll be there at 8.

 SATURDAY AT 8

(Sibling 1 opens the front door to Sibling 2)

Sibling 1: What’s all this?

Sibling 2: (Carrying a bulging trash bag) Supplies.  I figured you might need extra cleaners, dusters, sponges, buckets –

Sibling 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, this is just cleaning, not clean­-ing.

Sibling 2: …I don’t follow.

Sibling 1: Come inside. 

Sibling 2: (Enters as Sibling 1 closes the door behind them, stares at the living  room, and drops the bag) What – ?!  This is the same mess I left you with when you moved in!

Sibling 1: (Chuckles) How unobservant you are.  That was all boxes of old stuff, which were conspicuously absent when you helped me decorate for the holidays in December.  This – (Spreads arms to encompass the room) – is the accumulation of whole new stuff that pretty much all of us fall victim to in this consumerist world.

Sibling 2: Hardly anyone’s living room looks like this!  You even bought an aquarium and don’t have any fish for it!

Sibling 1: It was a deal at a yard sale.

Sibling 2: You’re actually looking around to bring new junk in?!

Sibling 1: You gonna help me Spring Clean it all or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and takes off jacket) Yes, but you’re on your own for the actual cleaning that I thought was going to go on today.

Sibling 1: That’s fine; stuff like that’s a once-a-decade project anyway.

 SIX HOURS LATER

Sibling 2: (Stands in the middle of the now-spacious house, hands on hips, satisfactorily surveying the domain) Well, it’s not perfect, but definitely an improvement over the original monstrosity.

Sibling 1: (While eating, hands a slice of pizza on a plate to Sibling 2) Yeah – I can actually walk a straight line through the place now, thanks.

Sibling 2: Just remember to give away some of those clothes in the closet when you change back over to winter – you don’t need that many shirts.  Or pants.  Or Halloween costumes.

Sibling 1: You never know when an emergency sartorial situation may strike.

Sibling 2: Sure.  You got any soda?

Sibling 1: (Thinks while chewing) I believe there’s a can or two.  (Both walk to the kitchen; Sibling 1 opens the refrigerator door and hunts for a can as Sibling 2 stares in horror)

Sibling 2: What – who – where – how did this happen?!

Sibling 1: What, the food?  (Pops the tab and holds out the can)

Sibling 2: The food that’s everywhere!  This fridge was brand new when you moved in, and now it’s covered in stains and crumbs and I-don’t-want-to-know-what-else!

Sibling 1: (Glances casually at the fridge and runs a finger over a sticky shelf) Huh.  Didn’t notice in the day-to-day.  Guess it could use a wipe here and there.

Sibling 2: It could use a power wash!  Don’t you smell all the horrible, horrible odors combining into one giant STENCH?!

Sibling 1: No, but I have a bad sense of smell, you know that.

Sibling 2: (Storms off, grabs the bag of supplies, brings it into the kitchen, drops it onto the floor, pulls on a pair of gloves, and begins taking items out of the refrigerator and dumping them onto the kitchen table) Get some ice coolers if you can find any in that overflowing closet; get some bags of ice if you don’t have any packs in the freezer; and leave me alone for at least an hour!

Sibling 1: (Stares at the activity for a few moments while drinking the soda, then leaves to get the coolers; mutters to self) Doesn’t seem that bad.  If this is what the season’s gonna have every time though, I think I’ll skip spring next year.

Story 371: Do Your Last-Minute Gift Shopping in Bad Weather

(Snow is gently falling from the twilight sky – don’t be fooled, the flakes on the ground are hard as a rock and nearly a foot deep on grass and pavement alike.  Dad stands at the living room window, watching the accumulation outside with a maniacal smile)

Dad: (Softly) At last, the world is mine.  (Throws on a heavy coat, gloves, and boots and heads to the front door)  I’m goin’ out to do my Christmas shopping, bye!

Mom: (Curled up in an armchair, not looking up from the book she is reading) Gotta clean off the car and driveway first.

Dad: AREADY DID IT!  (The front door blows shut behind him)

Mom: (Looks up with a confused frown as squealing tires screech along the driveway and down the street) When?

(On the highway, Dad drives between 10 and 15 mph with both the defroster and the radio blasting)

Dad: “Jingle bells”…. (Swerve) “Silver bells”…. (Skid) “Just hear those sleigh bells”…. (Stutter-stop)…. “The bells of Christmas”.... (Swerve-skid) “The bells of St. Mary’s”…. (Slams to a stop in a parking spot at a mall) Sure are a lot of bells this time of year.  (Purposefully strides toward the mall entrance and stops just inside a main door, whipping out a list.  Looking around, there are some crowds but not as many as are usually there on December 23) Perfect.  The storm filtered out the weak.  (He goes from store to store, accumulating bags bursting with items as he whistles carols all the while, handing a candy cane to a Santa Claus as he passes by the pop-up North Pole near the elevators.  Leaning on the checkout at one store while Cashier 1 rings up the purchase) If anyone asked me what I’d like for Christmas, it’d be for someone to pay off my credit card, know-what-I-mean?  (Dad and Cashier 1 simultaneously glance down at the huge pile of stuff he is buying; in a small voice) Don’t judge.

Cashier 1: Not in my job description.

(At a soaps-and-scents store, Dad strolls in, spreads his arms wide, and inhales deeply)

Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaah – never knew how good this place smelled without the mass of shoppers blocking all my senses.

Associate: Do you need any help?

Dad: For once, no!  I can actually see where everything is in here!  (Skips from display to display, filling up a basket and zooming to the register)

Cashier 2: Bag?  Coupon?  Free gift?  Free gift wrap?

Dad: Wow, never got asked all that here before.

Cashier 2: Never had enough time to go through the list when we have to ring up 500 customers an hour.

Dad: I’ll take it all then.

(At the nearly empty food court, Dad heads toward a burger place)

Dad: (To Cashier 3) Yes, I’d like a triple-decker well done, all the fries, and two milkshakes – one to go.  (Winks)

Cashier 3: (Shutting off the lights) Sorry sir, we’re actually closing early due to the storm, and we never close early this time of year.  You’re the first person who’s come by in over two hours.  (Lights in the other food kiosks also turn off)

Dad: Point taken.  (Walks back to the main mall) Would’ve been nice to have the whole seating area to pick from, though.

(At another store, Dad is reading all the greeting cards)

Mall Loudspeakers: Attention, last-minute shoppers!  Due to the horrific conditions outside, we’ve decided to value human lives over any piddling dollars these struggling stores may make and are closing NOW!  Go home, you weirdos!

Dad: (Piling up an armful of cards and yelling up at the ceiling) Hey!  I haven’t gotten so much shopping done so fast in… ever!

Cashier 4: (Flashing the store’s lights) Bring what you have, please, so I can ring you up and finally get the blazes out of here!

Dad: (Dumps all the cards onto the counter) Oh fine, I was done anyway.  (In the parking lot, mountains of ice-snow outnumber the cars as Dad carefully balances his many bags and walks pigeon-toed to one of the closest spots to the mall, where his car is parked.  He dumps everything into the trunk, slams the door shut, then looks toward the mall as snow sticks to his eyelashes, the last remaining shoppers and employees stream out, and the interior lights turn off) Best Christmas shopping trip of my life.

Story 370: All the Ornaments Must Go on the Tree!

 (Sibling 2 walks from the car to the house while carrying a heavy cardboard box and kicks the front door several times)

Sibling 1: (Lazily opens the door) Heeeeeeeey, look who’s breaking and entering!

Sibling 2: Cute – mind if I drop your garbage in there now?  (Holds out the box)

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, sure.  (Opens the door wider to let in Sibling 2, then locks seven different bolts after closing it)

Sibling 2: (Drops the box with a crash onto the living room floor) Crime here that bad?

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh, no – habit.  (Dives toward the box to rip it open and noisily rummage through the contents)  You got everything?

Sibling 2: (Strolls over to the almost-fully decorated tree) Pretty much; I had to leave the one with your huge baby photo plastered on Santa’s sleigh behind, `cause Mom wanted “at least one reminder of our darling child on our family tree.”  You still go over there to see her and Dad once a week, right?

Sibling 1: Sure do.  No worries, I’ll just snatch it right off that sucker next time I’m there, heh-heh-heh.

Sibling 2: Don’t you dare – she’ll think she’s losing her mind when she can’t find it later.

Sibling 1: Not a problem, I’ll do it right in front of her; I’m an honest thief.  (Starts taking ornaments from the box to hang on the tree)

Sibling 2: (Watches for a few moments) I dunno, this thing looks pretty full already, are you gonna be able to fit all this new-old stuff on it now, too?

Sibling 1: Yes.  (Continues to hang ornaments without hesitation)

Sibling 2: You knew I was bringing over about a hundred of your kiddie ornaments today –

Sibling 1: They’re not “kiddie,” they’re “classic.”

Sibling 2: Whatever – you filled up the tree before you even got to these!

Sibling 1: Nonsense: there’s still plenty of room.

Sibling 2: (Holds one of the branches out a bit) I count three on this branch alone.

Sibling 1: Is there a rule somewhere that there can only be one ornament per branch?  (Props an ice pop stick reindeer on a lower branch surrounded by a skating dog and an entire snow family)

Sibling 2: I guess not, but it looks better to space them out more, and you don’t want the whole thing to fall over and break everything.

Sibling 1: All taken care of on that front.  (Lifts up several branches to reveal the tree trunk has been reinforced with steel poles, then points to the top to show guy wires leading from there to the four corners of the room)

Sibling 2: All right then.

Sibling 1: So you gonna help me out or what?

Sibling 2: Thought nearly throwing my back out hauling this stuff over here would be enough, but OK.  (Takes an knitted nutcracker from the box and squeezes through the laden branches to an emptier spot near the trunk; spits out needles) Where’d you even get all this new stuff anyway?

Sibling 1: (Adds a third star as a tree topper) Oh, here and there.

Sibling 2: (Tries to leave but an arm is now stuck; panics) Um, oh no, help – I think the tree is taking me!

Sibling 1: (Walks over and pulls Sibling 2 out of the tree branches) Whatever happens, never show fear.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: (Starts hanging a string of embroidered train cars across the tree’s middle) Have a firm hand, show it who’s boss, take no sap!

Sibling 2: Sass?

Sibling 1: I said sap!  (Pushes face into the branches) I see you trying to trap us forever in there!  Your evil plans are foiled once again!

Sibling 2: You know you’re yelling at something that’s technically dead, don’t you?

Sibling 1: Its sacrifice for our enjoyment is not in vain, so I fail to see why it insists on fighting its fate.

Sibling 2: (Watches as more ornaments are shoved in there) I don’t know, I think you’re smothering whatever’s left.  Where’re you even gonna hang the lights?

Sibling 1: (Stares at the tree with eyes widening in horror) Son of a – !

Sibling 2: Maybe it’s a good thing: there’s so much stuff on here the lights’d probably overheat and burn the whole place down.

Sibling 1: But lights are 90% of the effect!

Sibling 2: What about one of your 10 toppers up there, can you light those?

Sibling 1: And how would the rest of the tree look then, hm?  I’ll tell you how – like a fool!

Sibling 2: (Holds up an ornament from the box) Well I doubt you could event fit one more macaroni… doll… whatever this thing is you made in kindergarten –

Sibling 1: IT IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD!

Sibling 2: Wow.  Then maybe stick them on a table or something.

Sibling 1: And then where would I fit all my Nativity scenes?!  (Sweeps an arm toward a side table featuring five Nativity scenes of various size and scope) And Baby Jesus can’t be anywhere near there because He hasn’t been born yet!

Sibling 2: But He can be on the tree?

Sibling 1: Yes, because that’s an ornament!  (Grabs the macaroni, climbs a stepladder, and places the piece between two angel tree toppers) There.  Now hand me a string of lights while you finish up the rest of the box.

Sibling 2: I think this whole thing’s a fire hazard by now.

Sibling 1: I have seven fire extinguishers sprinkled throughout the place – HAND ME THE LIGHTS!

(Sibling 2 hands over a string of lights and continues jamming ornaments onto the packed tree as Sibling 1 works down, adding lights until both finish their decorating around the same time.  Sibling 1 plugs the last string into the wall outlet, and they stand back to view the colorful, bursting tree)

Sibling 2: Well, surprisingly enough, you did it.  I wasn’t sure about your hardened dough snowflake from Scouts at the end there, but you managed to fit every ornament from childhood until now onto this tree.  Except the one you’re planning to steal later.

Sibling 1: (Sighs contentedly) Indeed.  This is the most perfect Christmas tree in the whole wide world.

Sibling 2: I’m sure the one at Rockefeller Center pales in comparison.

Sibling 1: (Tilts head while squinting eyes) Still….

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: Needs tinsel.

Story 369: Wishing the Seasons Away

 (Friends 1 and 2 sit at an outdoor table in 75°F weather; Friend 1 pushes food around the plate with a fork while sighing in various pitches)

Friend 2: (Continues to eat while watching this for a few minutes) You’d better eat that eventually or I’m gonna find someone who will.

Friend 1: Hm? Oh, sorry – just having a minor life-altering existential crisis; I’ll be fine in a minute.

Friend 2: I dread to ask: what now?

Friend 1: I don’t know, everything?

Friend 2: You’re going to have to narrow it down a little.

Friend 1: I guess it’s just, I’m not, you know – in the spirit of the season.

Friend 2: Join the club: everyone else isn’t this year either, or else they’re trying to fake it `til they make it.

Friend 1: Oh.  I didn’t mean that – I’ve felt this way for years.

Friend 2: Ah, so this is just normal for you, then.

Friend 1: Yeah.  You know we haven’t even had real snow for about half a decade?

Friend 2: Don’t get me started on the climate – I’ll never stop.

Friend 1: Yeah, you do go on.  But coming back to my thing, I’ve found in my so-called adult life that I’m rarely in the spirit of any season, ever.

Friend 2: How do you mean?

Friend 1: Well, right now I’m bummed out by night starting at 4:30 in the afternoon and the occasional bouts of polar winds, so I wish we could jump ahead to late spring and midsummer.

Friend 2: OK….

Friend 1: And then when it is late spring and midsummer, I don’t do anything anyway so then I wish it were sort-of-winter again so I can pretend to hibernate while I’m really just indulging my sedentary lifestyle.

Friend 2: …What?

Friend 1: I mean, isn’t it so cozy to curl up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars right outside your window?

Friend 2: I guess, if you have a good home, but didn’t you just say we don’t really get snow anymore?

Friend 1: My midsummer mind forgets that.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd.

Friend 1: And while we’re roasting in the hot sun and can’t even go out because it’s either oven temperatures or all the good beaches and amusement parks are filled with everyone else in the world, I just wish: wouldn’t it be nice to bundle up for a brisk walk in the snowy woods followed by a good curl-up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars outside your window?

Friend 2: My head’s spinning with your repetitiveness – why don’t you forget the blizzard and just go bundle up for a walk now?

Friend 1: (Holds up a leg) I’m wearing shorts!  In Northern-Hemisphere December!

Friend 2: All right, forget the bundle-up: how about stop allowing the seasons to dictate your mood and do whatever you want whenever you want?  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, that is.

Friend 1: (Taps a fry to lip while pondering) You make an excellent point.

Friend 2: I know I do.  Now let’s pay the bill and get out of here – there’re about 50 people hovering over there waiting for a table.

Friend 1: They can have it when I’m good and finished.  For now, I’ll take your advice and live in the moment: tomorrow, I’ll finally fulfill my lifelong dream and go for advanced surfing lessons.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, didn’t realize you were going to go in that direction....

Friend 1: It’s like you said: I should stop letting the weather dictate my mood.  This balmy Winter Solstice, I will be riding the waves and grilling dinner out on the balcony and drinking lemonade and creeping around miniature golf courses, and no store decorations or holiday carolers or religious institutions or consumerist commercials or well-meaning charities will stop my new happiness!

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.