(In a crowded post office in mid-December)
Postal Worker 1: (Processing transactions on autopilot) Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable –
Customer 1: No.
Postal Worker 1: Need guaranteed two-day delivery for an extra $22.65 –
Customer 1: No.
Postal Worker 1: Need any stamps –
Customer 1: No-no-no-what’s-the-total?
Postal Worker 1: (Types a few keys after weighing the packages) $172.49.
Customer 1: (Roughly swipes a credit card through the reader on the counter) This is the last time I’m sending those brats what they demand on their gimme list – next year everyone’s getting gift cards and they can buy their own garbage.
Postal Worker 1: That’s my philosophy. (Moves the packages to another area for shipping and hands over the receipt) Happy Holidays.
Customer 1: (Shoves the receipt into a wallet) Thanks, but they haven’t been for years. (Navigates through the crowd to the exit in a funk)
Postal Worker 1: (Mutters while running a report on the cash register) I hear ya. (Peers closer at the computer screen as Customer 2 approaches the counter) What do you mean, the drawer’s short $9.72?! I’ve barely opened it today!
Postal Worker 2: (Stationed at the next register; does not look up from processing a transaction) All I know is, if this sound system plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” one more time, my brain’s gonna melt right outta my ears.
Postal Worker 1: (Still staring at the computer screen as Customer 2 places a package on the counter) Yeah, that one and “Jingle Bells.” Or “Deck the Halls.” Or – you know what, pretty much all of them; just give me silence as the soundtrack for the rest of the year. (Glances up and sees Customer 2 is a 10-year-old child) Hello, how can I help you today – need any stamps?
Customer 2: I have a delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus, please.
Postal Worker 1: (Turns attention back to the computer screen) Letters to Santa go in the special mailbox in the lobby.
Customer 2: Oh no, this actually is a gift – for Santa and Mrs. Claus. (Postal Worker 1 looks up sharply) I mean, they give so much to all of us, I just wanted to give them a small token of appreciation, if that’s all right.
Postal Worker 1: (Solemnly straightens up, pulls out a golden whistle from an uniform pocket, and fills the building with a resounding blast – all activity on the line, at the counter, and in the back room come to a complete halt) Attention, staff members: WE HAVE A DELIVERY FOR SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.
(The overhead music screeches to a stop; an inner door at the other end of the lobby flies open and a bundled-up figure driving a dogsled bursts through the crowd to stop in front of Customer 2)
Dogsled Driver: (Points to the box) This the package for the Clauses?
Customer 2: (Nods while pulling out money from pants pockets) Yes, please – how much does shipping to the North Pole cost?
Postal Worker 1: (Wiping away tears) It’s free, bless your little child heart! Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable?
Customer 2: (Pauses, then shakes head) No, nothing like that. (Picks up the box and hands it to the Dogsled Driver) I think I got here early enough for this to arrive before Christmas Eve, right?
Dogsled Driver: (Straps the box securely to the sled) Oh, don’t you worry young’un: I’ll get this there in less than a day. (Gestures to the dog team) They fly like the reindeer, and only go on strike half as much.
Lead Dog: That reminds me: we’re due for one on December 28, if that’s convenient.
Dogsled Driver: (Checks a pocket calendar) Yep, all good for a work stoppage then. (Hops onto the back of the sled) Mush, please. (As the dogs pull the sled back through the lobby and out the front door) Onward to the North Pole!
(The other customers and postal workers applaud wildly and weep loudly in equal measure)
Customer 2: (To Postal Worker 1) Wow, thanks – after all this, I hope they like it.
Postal Worker 1: (Loudly blowing nose) Stop, I’m dissolving in a puddle of cuteness overload here!
(In the North Pole, Dogsled Driver arrives at the house of the Clauses, releases the package from its straps, and raps smartly on the front door)
Santa Claus: (Opening the door) Well ho-ho-hold the phone, I haven’t seen you up here in ages!
Dogsled Driver: (Hands over the package) Hiya, Santa – I have a very special delivery for you and Mrs. Claus from a very special child in the Lower 48 of the US of A.
Santa Claus: Aw, isn’t that precious. (Calls back into the house) Darling! There’s a delivery – for us!
Mrs. Claus: (Appears in the doorway carrying a blowtorch and lifting up a face shield) Well, that is very kind indeed – (Sees Dogsled Driver) Hello there; why don’t you and your crew come into the kitchen for milk and cookies? I’ve got them in oatmeal raisin and bacon.
Dogsled Driver: Gee, thanks Mrs. Claus! You know, I tried extra hard to be good this year –
Lead Dog: Quit yer yappin’: we’re already getting the treats, don’t gild the lily! (The dogs drag the sled into the house, Driver holding on at the back)
(Santa and Mrs. Claus close the door and bring the package into a brightly decorated room filled with ornament-festooned trees, toys, model villages, and other seasonal knick-knacks. They open the box and take out several pairs of different-colored comfy socks, along with a note)
Santa Claus: (Reads) “Dear Santa and Mrs. Claus, I hope I got the right sizes, but if not then I hope your magic can take care of that; I included the gift receipts just in case. Anyway, thank you for all you do every year, and please know that we all appreciate the good will and cheer you bring to this world. Sincerely, A Grateful Child (My parents say a gift should be given without expecting anything in return so that’s why this is anonymous, but you may know it’s me anyway)”. Sweet child, Santa always knows!
Mrs. Claus: (Picks up one of the pairs of socks) Oh my, so very cozy! These’ll be perfect for my sore feet – how thoughtful!
Santa Claus: (While holding up another pair) And just when I was starting to question why I continue to put us all through this.
Mrs. Claus: Don’t you question that every year?
Santa Claus: Some years more so than others.
