Story 419: Delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus

 (In a crowded post office in mid-December)

Postal Worker 1: (Processing transactions on autopilot) Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need guaranteed two-day delivery for an extra $22.65 –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need any stamps –

Customer 1: No-no-no-what’s-the-total?

Postal Worker 1: (Types a few keys after weighing the packages) $172.49.

Customer 1: (Roughly swipes a credit card through the reader on the counter) This is the last time I’m sending those brats what they demand on their gimme list – next year everyone’s getting gift cards and they can buy their own garbage.

Postal Worker 1: That’s my philosophy.  (Moves the packages to another area for shipping and hands over the receipt) Happy Holidays.

Customer 1: (Shoves the receipt into a wallet) Thanks, but they haven’t been for years.  (Navigates through the crowd to the exit in a funk)

Postal Worker 1: (Mutters while running a report on the cash register) I hear ya.  (Peers closer at the computer screen as Customer 2 approaches the counter) What do you mean, the drawer’s short $9.72?!  I’ve barely opened it today!

Postal Worker 2: (Stationed at the next register; does not look up from processing a transaction) All I know is, if this sound system plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” one more time, my brain’s gonna melt right outta my ears.

Postal Worker 1: (Still staring at the computer screen as Customer 2 places a package on the counter) Yeah, that one and “Jingle Bells.”  Or “Deck the Halls.”  Or – you know what, pretty much all of them; just give me silence as the soundtrack for the rest of the year.  (Glances up and sees Customer 2 is a 10-year-old child) Hello, how can I help you today – need any stamps?

Customer 2: I have a delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus, please.

Postal Worker 1: (Turns attention back to the computer screen) Letters to Santa go in the special mailbox in the lobby.

Customer 2: Oh no, this actually is a gift – for Santa and Mrs. Claus.  (Postal Worker 1 looks up sharply) I mean, they give so much to all of us, I just wanted to give them a small token of appreciation, if that’s all right.

Postal Worker 1: (Solemnly straightens up, pulls out a golden whistle from an uniform pocket, and fills the building with a resounding blast – all activity on the line, at the counter, and in the back room come to a complete halt) Attention, staff members: WE HAVE A DELIVERY FOR SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

(The overhead music screeches to a stop; an inner door at the other end of the lobby flies open and a bundled-up figure driving a dogsled bursts through the crowd to stop in front of Customer 2)

Dogsled Driver: (Points to the box) This the package for the Clauses?

Customer 2: (Nods while pulling out money from pants pockets) Yes, please – how much does shipping to the North Pole cost?

Postal Worker 1: (Wiping away tears) It’s free, bless your little child heart!  Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable?

Customer 2: (Pauses, then shakes head) No, nothing like that.  (Picks up the box and hands it to the Dogsled Driver) I think I got here early enough for this to arrive before Christmas Eve, right?

Dogsled Driver: (Straps the box securely to the sled) Oh, don’t you worry young’un: I’ll get this there in less than a day.  (Gestures to the dog team) They fly like the reindeer, and only go on strike half as much.

Lead Dog: That reminds me: we’re due for one on December 28, if that’s convenient.

Dogsled Driver: (Checks a pocket calendar) Yep, all good for a work stoppage then.  (Hops onto the back of the sled)  Mush, please.  (As the dogs pull the sled back through the lobby and out the front door) Onward to the North Pole!

(The other customers and postal workers applaud wildly and weep loudly in equal measure)

Customer 2: (To Postal Worker 1) Wow, thanks – after all this, I hope they like it.

Postal Worker 1: (Loudly blowing nose) Stop, I’m dissolving in a puddle of cuteness overload here!

(In the North Pole, Dogsled Driver arrives at the house of the Clauses, releases the package from its straps, and raps smartly on the front door)

Santa Claus: (Opening the door) Well ho-ho-hold the phone, I haven’t seen you up here in ages!

Dogsled Driver: (Hands over the package) Hiya, Santa – I have a very special delivery for you and Mrs. Claus from a very special child in the Lower 48 of the US of A.

Santa Claus: Aw, isn’t that precious.  (Calls back into the house) Darling!  There’s a delivery – for us!

Mrs. Claus: (Appears in the doorway carrying a blowtorch and lifting up a face shield) Well, that is very kind indeed – (Sees Dogsled Driver) Hello there; why don’t you and your crew come into the kitchen for milk and cookies?  I’ve got them in oatmeal raisin and bacon.

Dogsled Driver: Gee, thanks Mrs. Claus!  You know, I tried extra hard to be good this year –

Lead Dog: Quit yer yappin’: we’re already getting the treats, don’t gild the lily!  (The dogs drag the sled into the house, Driver holding on at the back)

(Santa and Mrs. Claus close the door and bring the package into a brightly decorated room filled with ornament-festooned trees, toys, model villages, and other seasonal knick-knacks.  They open the box and take out several pairs of different-colored comfy socks, along with a note)

Santa Claus: (Reads) “Dear Santa and Mrs. Claus, I hope I got the right sizes, but if not then I hope your magic can take care of that; I included the gift receipts just in case.  Anyway, thank you for all you do every year, and please know that we all appreciate the good will and cheer you bring to this world.  Sincerely, A Grateful Child (My parents say a gift should be given without expecting anything in return so that’s why this is anonymous, but you may know it’s me anyway)”.  Sweet child, Santa always knows!

Mrs. Claus: (Picks up one of the pairs of socks) Oh my, so very cozy!  These’ll be perfect for my sore feet – how thoughtful!

Santa Claus: (While holding up another pair) And just when I was starting to question why I continue to put us all through this.

Mrs. Claus: Don’t you question that every year?

Santa Claus: Some years more so than others.

Story 415: Reverse Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

 (While walking from the car to the condo unit, Resident checks a message on the phone that shows a package had been delivered; on arrival at the front door, it is seen that no package awaits.  Squinting closer at the photo of the delivery on the phone, realization dawns upon Resident)

Resident: Wait a minute – that is not my front door!  (Looks at own front door and back at the photo again to confirm) They delivered it to the wrong address!  Great, how am I ever gonna figure out which – (Recognizes the “Keep Out!” and similar signs posted on the door in the photo) oh it’s the next hallway over.

(Resident goes to the next hallway over, stares at the now-empty space where the package was delivered, and knocks on the door.  On the other side, a figure wearing a stereotypical pirate outfit opens it with one hand while holding an umbrella drink in the other; a large group of similarly-dressed colleagues are assembled in the living room, partying with DJ’d music)

Captain: (To Resident) Ahoy, matey – who be ye?

Resident: Hi, I’m your neighbor from the next hallway over –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I had a package delivered today –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I think it was delivered here by mistake.

Captain: Aye.

Resident: …Well?

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Was it delivered here?

Captain: Aye.  `Twas.  (Reaches over to a nearby table and holds up a pair of novelty socks) These be it?

Resident: Ah, yes, great!  (The two stare at each other for a few moments) Soooo….

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Could I have them back then?!

Captain: Nay.  (Tosses away the socks; they land on a dancing crew member)

Resident: What?!

First Mate: (Shouts from serving drinks at the bar stationed next to a lamp table) N – A – Y; means “No.”

Resident: I know what “Nay” means!  (Back to Captain) Why not?!

Captain: You see, young me-hearty, me and me crew here have recently retired from plunderin’ the high seas, so now rather than us goin’ to get the booty, we take the booty that be comin’ to us, you savvy?

Dancing Crew: Savvyyyyyy!!!!

Resident: Well, no, that’s not right – it was clearly addressed to me!

Captain: Ah, but in cases such as these, possession be 10/10ths of the law.

Dancing Crew: Yarrrrr!!!

Resident: (Holds up the phone with the screen facing Captain) But the courier who messed this up sent me a picture of it, so you’ve gotta give it back `cause the courts’ll side with me anyway!

Captain: (Downs the rest of the umbrella drink, smashes the glass onto a nearby wall, and draws a cutlass to point at Resident) What need we of courts when this can be settled as true buccaneers of the seven seas, eh, matey?

Dancing Crew: Arrrrr!!!

Captain: Aye.

Dancing Crew: Ayyyyye!!!

Resident: I’m not fighting you!

Captain: Aha!  Ye be a coward, then!

Resident: I be – I mean, I’m not getting into a knife fight over a pair of socks!

Captain: How dare ye!  This be a cutlass!  (Shakes said cutlass in Resident’s face)  It can slice a grapefruit in perfect twain and yet leave the pulp entirely intact with nary a drop spilt – let us see a piddlin’ knife do that, I ask ye!

Resident: Whatever: I’ll just call the cops on you for theft of property and threat of dismemberment.  (Starts dialing)

Captain: What about yer sense of honor?!

First Mate: (Shouts from the bar) But Captain, we have none.

Captain: Stow yer blowhole!

Resident: (On the phone) Yes, I’ll hold.  (To Captain) Everywhere you call lately, they put you on hold immediately.

Captain: We’ll be havin’ none of yer first world problems around here, matey!  (Uses the cutlass to pick up the socks from where they had been dumped onto the couch at some point and flings them at Resident, who fumblingly catches them) That booty was acquired fair and square, but in the spirit of high adventure, we gift them back to ye.  (Bows graciously)

Resident: (Disconnects the call and shakes the socks at Captain) That’s all you had to do from the beginning.  (Starts to leave when Captain holds out the cutlass to block the path)

Captain: (Leans in toward Resident) Next time, matey, we be keepin’ the spoils.  Permanently.

Dancing Crew: Huzzah!

Captain: (Turns back to Crew) Another round!  Me throat’s extremely parched with all this negotiatin`!

Dancing Crew: Ayyyye!!!!

(Captain slams the door and the dance music is raised to even higher decibels)

Resident: (Walks back to the other hallway while shaking head in disbelief, looks down at the socks, holds them out, and stops) I don’t believe it – they shipped me the wrong size!

Story 230: I Wish I Could See the Near Future

        (Scene: An office with a sign that reads “Wish Fulfillment, LLC” on the door.   The Representative is finishing an appointment with a client)

          Representative: So, with all your forms filed, you can begin flying like a bird starting 8 a.m. tomorrow.

            Client 1: Sweet!

           Representative: (Showing Client 1 to the door) Just make sure not to collide with any actual birds, power lines, and/or drones, and that no other human beings witness you doing this.

            Client 1: Oh.  But –

            Representative: Bye!  (Gives a helpful shove) Next!

           Client 2: (Jumps up from waiting room chair) Ooh-ooh, that’s me!  (Zig-zags through the other seats and zooms past the Representative into the office to sit in the chair in front of the desk)

            Representative: (Gingerly closes the door and returns to sit behind the desk) So, how can we assist you in your Wish Fulfillment, LLC needs today?  Did you get a chance to browse through the catalog?

            Client 2: I did, but my request is a bit more specific than what’s listed.

            Representative: Oh?

            Client 2: Yes: you see, there’s that one package titled “See the Future” that’s the closest match to what I’m looking for –

            Representative: Oh yes, that’s one of our biggest sellers.

            Client 2: Yeah, and the word is that’s also one of your biggest returns.

            Representative: (Eyes blazing) Who said that!?

            Client 2: … The word.

            Representative: (Immediately flares down) I apologize; please continue.

            Client 2: Well, the problem with that one is when you see the future, you see a lot of what you don’t want to see: friends and family dying, freak accidents that chop off your leg, natural disasters that take out the whole neighborhood, repetitively making a fool of yourself, all that garbage.

            Representative: (Chewing lip) Mm-hm?

           Client 2: So, for my package, I don’t want to see the entire future – I just want to be able to see the near future.

            Representative: (Pauses mid-chew) But you’ll still see all of that other stuff anyway.

          Client 2: Maybe, but mostly at will and only if it was happening within the next, oh, 24-48 hours I think would suffice.

            Representative: Wait, you only want to be able to see up to two days into the future at any given time?  What good’ll that do?  If I may be so bold.

            Client 2: You’d be surprised; you wouldn’t believe the number of get-togethers and errands that’ve been messed up all because I didn’t know what obstacles were lying in wait.  I could avoid traffic jams, traffic accidents, weather-related flight cancellations – hm, better make it seven days into the future; the weather’s been absolutely bonkers for the past few decades.

            Representative: You know that you can’t alter your future, right?  What you’ll be seeing is already predetermined and you can’t change it without creating a universe-ending paradox, which company policy strictly forbids – says so right here.  (Retrieves a “See the Future” brochure and points to the fine print on the back) It’s the only way we can maintain our license for that service, I’m afraid.

            Client 2: (Squinting at the fine print and nodding) I understand, but I’m aiming to see situations that I can then avoid to make my life better.  The last straw for me was when I was going to meet up with a friend the other day, and an event I had to attend right before decided to run over by 15 minutes because somebody had to make a speech!  And by the time I realized what was happening, I couldn’t leave because then I’d be that guy!  Until it was super late, then I did leave, so I was both that guy to the speaker and that guy to my friend, who’d been standing there for half an hour wondering where on Earth I was!  It was so unfair for all of us!

            Representative: Yeah, I hate it when stuff like that happens: it’s not really your fault, but it feels like it’s your fault, know what I mean?

            Client 2: Exactly!  And if I had just been able to see the near future, I would have known to leave before the point when it was rude to leave!

            Representative: I see.  Well, this may be doable, but it’ll be a custom package and therefore have additional fees.

            Client 2: That’s quite all right: the peace of mind will be priceless.

           Representative: I’ll draw up the forms for you now; on a personal note, could you let me know in a few weeks how it all turns out?

            Client 2: Sure.  Got a trip planned you want to see whether it gets snowed out?

            Representative: I wish.  No, I just would like to know which days I should call out from work, if you catch my drift.

           Client 2: Why not just get the “Win a Billion Dollars” package and never have to work again?

           Representative: The literal and metaphorical prices for that one are too high.