(In an office)
Coworker 1: (Agitatedly typing a sternly-yet-politely worded e-mail; conversely, <DING> is heard every time an e-mail is received) “And take that you mumble-mumble-mumble.” That felt good to write; now backspace-backspace-backspace….
Coworker 2: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk and drops a large pile of folders right next to the keyboard) Here you go – bye. (Starts to trot away)
<DING>
Coworker 1: Hang on a second – (Coworker 2 swings back around) what the blazes is this?!
Coworker 2: `Member when it was announced that the head of Marketing left and all the work was going to be divvied up across the company rather than go through the trauma of hiring and training someone who’ll just wind up leaving in a year?
Coworker 1: …Vaguely.
<DING>
Coworker 2: Well, this is your bit. (Pats the towering pile of folders lovingly) All these files need follow-up, and at some point also need to be scanned into the database, `cause paperless is the future.
Coworker 1: (Grabs a few random folders to flip through) But there’re hundreds of pages here!
Coworker 2: I know, and I even gave you one of the smaller piles `cause I’ve got weak arms. Everyone else here is quietly freaking out about this, if it makes you feel any better.
Coworker 1: (Tossing folders haphazardly across the desk; another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward) It doesn’t! When exactly am I supposed to do all this when I’m already behind on my regular stuff and on stuff not even assigned to me yet?!
Coworker 2: I dunno – maybe during bathroom breaks?
Coworker 1: Gross. (Holds up one of the folders) And how’m I supposed to follow up on something like this; the last update’s almost two years old!
<DING>
Coworker 2: (Peers over at the page) Huh. Guess it’s not high priority.
Coworker 1: (Tosses the folder back onto the pile) Un-flipping-believable. Wait, I take it back: it’s completely believable since it’s the way every company has ever operated. (Leans back into the chair and squeezes eyes shut as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward)
<DING>-<DING>-<DING>
Coworker 2: Seems to me if nothing’s been done on that file for two years, then no one’s going to be looking for it anytime soon – you probably could let it go even longer and no one would notice.
Coworker 1: (Eyes fly open) Hm?
Coworker 2: I’m thinking a lot of files in there are like that: so far overdue, what’s another few days? Or months?
Coworker 1: (Dreamily) Or years….
Coworker 2: I find most of my own work is like that: a lot of people make you feel like you have to get everything done right away, but 90% of the time, 90% of the work can be done late. Even hard deadlines can be negotiated with… 90% of the time.
Coworker 1: (Stares at the piles of work on the desk and the files of work on the computer) I never realized.
<DING>
Coworker 2: Yeah, it’s great when you do: it’s the reason why I’m the only one in my department who actually takes a lunchbreak.
Coworker 1: You take lunchbreaks?!
Coworker 2: I do indeed. And so can you, if you don’t let all this – (Gestures to the piles as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) get the best of you. Bye. (Trots away)
<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>
Coworker 1: (Turns to the computer and sees the massive amount of unread e-mails received in the past five minutes) Suppose I don’t have to answer them this exact second….
ONE WEEK LATER
Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) Have you started working on the Marketing files yet?
Coworker 1: (Serenely typing a wellness check e-mail to a work friend) They’re my first priority.
<DING>
Manager: OK….
Coworker 1: After I finish the project you gave me last week.
Manager: Oh. All right, but I would’ve preferred you’d finished that one, you know, last week.
Coworker 1: So would I, but alas: life. (Nods at a coworker passing by who drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)
<DING>-<DING>
Manager: Hm. Any idea when you’re going to finish that project, then?
Coworker 1: All in good time.
Manager: How about tomorrow?
Coworker 1: If it’s the will of the gods, then `twill be done.
Manager: It’s the will of me, so do it! And start working on the Marketing files ASAP; I’ve got Corporate breathing down my neck about them and they’ll never realize the irony of the situation they’ve placed themselves and all of us in.
Coworker 1: No one ever does. (Holds up a cup and saucer) Like some tea?
Manager: Not especially, no. Now get back to work; I’ve let you lollygag long enough. (Trots away)
<DING>
Coworker 1: Will do. (Sips tea and gently sighs) So this is what it feels like to be one with the universe.
ONE WEEK LATER
Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) So, did you start on those Marketing files yet?
Coworker 1: (Lying facedown on a long table while a massage therapist does their thing) All in good time.
Manager: The good time is now! Are you telling me you haven’t looked at one of these yet?! (Picks up a folder to shake at Coworker 1 as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)
Coworker 1: Oh, I did.
Manager: And?!
Coworker 1: They’re very pretty.
<DING>
Manager: You’re supposed to be following up on these projects!
Coworker 1: (Turns on side as the massage therapist adjusts position) Did you know, about 90% of things in life labelled as “Priority” really aren’t?
Manager: What?!
<DING>-<DING>-<DING>
Coworker 1: And probably 95% of projects in general can be left completely undone and no one either would ever notice or call you out on it?
Manager: That’s not true! I’d notice, and I most definitely will call you out on it!
Coworker 1: Yes, but why stress yourself?
Manager: Because they have to be done for this company to function! Now get going!
<DING>
Manager: (Glances at the computer screen full of unread e-mails, then back at Coworker 1) You gonna answer any of those?!
Coworker 1: (Rolls back onto stomach) All in good time.
Manager: (Tosses the file onto the desk and trots away, muttering) Why do I stress myself?
ONE WEEK LATER
Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) This is the last time I’m going to ask you –
Coworker 1: (Knitting a blanket) Oh good, that’s a relief.
<DING>
Manager: Did you, or did you not, start working on those Marketing files, and so help me if you say “All in good time”!
Coworker 1: (Drops a stitch and unravels a section to redo it) I did.
Manager: (Blinks a few times) Oh. Took the wind out of my sails a bit there, but that’s a good thing. How far’d you get?
Coworker 1: Mm? Oh, I’ll show you. (Gently places the blanket and knitting needles onto a workbench, opens a file cabinet drawer, pulls out a thin folder, and drops it onto the desk) That far.
Manager: (Stares at the folder for a few moments, then slowly back up at Coworker 1) You have five seconds to convince me why I shouldn’t fire you effective immediately.
<DING>-<DING>
Coworker 1: Well, you asked me if I started working on the files, and I started. Pretty much everything’s so far behind, no one seems to really care at this point if it takes another decade to work on them again, so what’s the rush?
Manager: You’re –
Coworker 1: And if you fire me, all of my projects then will be divvied up amongst all of you, and the vicious cycle continues. (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)
Manager: – a real pain in my frontal cortex. (Trots away)
Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the 5,378 unread e-mails, then slowly sips a smoothie) Aaaaaah, perfection. And I love the meditative background music these alerts provide. (Cell phone rings; checks caller ID and frowns in confusion while answering) Hi – everything OK?
<DING>
Partner: (On the phone) Everything’s fine, I just wanted to let you know I made an appointment for a quote on the new fence.
Coworker 1: Oh. Thanks.
Partner: Yeah, they’re sending over somebody on Saturday, so you just need to clear the stuff out of the backyard like I’d mentioned a few months ago –
Coworker 1: Uh-huh.
Partner: And also a few weeks ago –
Coworker 1: Uh-huh.
Partner: And also a few days ago –
Coworker 1: Uh-huh.
Partner: So once that’s all done, maybe we can finally get the fence replaced like we’ve been talking about for years.
Coworker 1: Uh-huh.
Partner: So….
Coworker 1: Uh-huh?
Partner: You think you can clear out the backyard before the weekend?!
<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-
Coworker 1: (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) All in good time.
