(Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot)
Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.
Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?
Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.
Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?
Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts. Their candle display is unrivalled!
Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?
Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.
Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.
Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.
Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.
Friend 1: That’s not true! I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!
Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?
Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle? No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!
Friend 2: Uh-huh. What size does the person wear?
Friend 1: …Average? Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.
Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.
Friend 1: Oh all right. (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?! Get outta here! (Tosses the wallet back onto the display) I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!
Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.
Friend 1: Sure, sure. (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!
Friend 2: I’d say not. And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.
Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4th of July.
Friend 2: Ugh. Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.
Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?
Friend 2: No holidays! Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!
Friend 1: Fine. Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.
Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?
Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?
Friend 2: I don’t!
Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.
Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it. What about a mug for coffee or tea?
Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.
Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!
Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.
Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?
Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.
Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]
Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?
Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!
Friend 1: Too cheap?
Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present! Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!
Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.
Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff. How about the candle display you raved about earlier?
Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea! (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes! Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!
Friend 2: Thank goodness. Bye.
Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.
Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....
Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here! I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs! (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)
Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!
Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?
Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!
Friend 1: Hm. (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)
Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?! We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!
Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper! (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?
Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?
Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.
Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.
Friend 1: Sweet! (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers) Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.
Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it. I hope this coworker’s worth it.
Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know. Birthday’s a birthday.
