Story 491: Bookstore Pick-Up

(In a bookstore, Customer 1 stands facing a display table, slowly leafing through a sci-fi hardcover.  Customer 2 casually strolls by, casually makes a wide turn, casually picks up a hardcover from the opposite side of the table, and casually leafs through it as well.  Customer 1’s eyes briefly flick up at Customer 2 and then lower back to the book; Customer 2 leafs through a few more pages, then glances up at the title in Customer 1’s hands)

Customer 2: Oh!  (Gestures with the book at Customer 1’s book when the latter looks up) I heard that’s a good one.  (Smiles broadly)

Customer 1: (Neutrally) Really.

Customer 2: Yeah, it’s been getting great reviews; I’ve been thinking about reading it myself.

Customer 1: (Nods) Good to know.  (Returns to leafing)

Customer 2: (Slowly walks around the table to Customer 1’s side, still holding the book open) Sooooo… do you read often?

Customer 1: (Looks up again, barely disguising a smirk) A lot of people do, yes.

Customer 2: Heh, what I mean is, do you… (Looks up to think) read here often?... Come here often… to read?... Buy books here… to read them at home… often?

Customer 1: (Slowly puts the book back onto its pile and straightens it) Are you seriously trying to pick up someone at a bookstore?

Customer 2: (Laughs loudly for a bit, then starts fiddling with the book jacket) I thought a change in venue and clientele would increase the probability of success, yes.

Customer 1: (Nods again) And here I was, thinking I’m the only one with that idea.

Customer 2: (Stares) Really?

Customer 1: Oh yeah, been doing it for ages; definitely at lot safer than a bar.

Customer 2: That’s what I was thinking!  I mean, what’s the worst these nerds could do, am-I-right?  (An elderly couple passing by glare at Customer 2, who whispers at them) No offense.

Customer 1: Well, you still need to be careful.

Customer 2: Of course.

Customer 1: A lot of weirdos actually do come in here, and sometimes you can’t tell right away who’s just passionate about entertainment and whose life is consumed by fandom.

Customer 2: Don’t I know it.

Customer 1: …Wanna tag along?

Customer 2: Yes please.

(After neatly returning the other book to its correct pile, the two casually stroll through the semi-busy store, heads on a constant, unobtrusive swivel)

Customer 1: (Stops and turns to whisper to Customer 2) OK, see that one browsing off to the left there?

Customer 2: (Tries not to look directly at the object of their discussion and whispers back) Yeah?

Customer 1: I’m goin’ in.

Customer 2: Wait a second: here?!

Customer 1: Yeah, why not?

Customer 2: Because, in case you haven’t noticed the ginormous signs all over the place, we are now in the Children’s section!

Customer 1: (Laughs softly, still whispering) This isn’t the Children’s section; it’s the Teen section.

Customer 2: That’s not better!  And I can’t tell from here – what if that one is a teen; we’re literally decades older, we could go to jail!

Customer 1: (Sighs) You need to have your eyes checked: that’s clearly an adult who has eclectic and discerning tastes in all types of literature regardless of the intended audience, and I’m goin’ in.  Watch and learn.

Customer 2: (Moves to stand behind a support pillar) I’ll watch and learn from here as you walk into an obvious sting operation.

Customer 1: (Glares smilingly at Customer 2, then casually strolls past Customer 3 who has taken a book off the shelf and is reading the back cover) Oh!  (Points to the book as Customer 3 looks up) I heard that’s a good one. 

Customer 2: (Grimaces softly) Ugh!

Customer 3: (To Customer 1) Yeah, I’ve been seeing ads for it everywhere; wanted to know what’s all the fuss about.

Customer 1: I know, right?  (Leans an elbow on the bookshelf while facing Customer 3) Word is, if this one does well, the author’ll write a sequel.  Obviously; who doesn’t nowadays?  Everything’s a franchise.

Customer 3: (Laughs) You’re tellin’ me.

Customer 1: (Also laughs) Definitely… So, I’m – (Is cut off by the piercing scream of an infant)

Customer 4: (Rounds a nearby corner, appearing disheveled while pushing a stroller with the crying baby and carrying a whimpering toddler; to Customer 3) Didn’t you hear me calling you?!  It took me 10 minutes to get these two out of the bathroom – what’re you doing all the way over here?!

Customer 3: (Takes the toddler from Customer 4 as Customer 1 makes a hasty retreat) Sorry babe – got distracted.

Customer 4: I wish I had that luxury!  (Sees the book that Customer 3 is holding) Well, if you’re buying that, just add it to the pile.  (Points to a basket hanging underneath the stroller and overflowing with board books and plush toys)

Customer 3: (Puts the book back on the shelf) Nah, not interested.  (To the toddler as the four of them make their way noisily to the front cash registers) Hey bub, what would you like read tonight, huh?

Customer 1: (Trots over to Customer 2, who is stifling giggles) Not a word – let’s go.

(They continue their circuit through the store, navigating around customers and carts of products to be shelved)

Customer 2: (Stops and whispers to Customer 1) Ooh, how about that employee shelving board games over there?  Seems nice.

Customer 1: (Whispers back) “Nice” meaning “hot”?

Customer 2: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Nope; no, employees are off-limits.

Customer 2: What?  Why?

Customer 1: Think about it: there’s already a power imbalance since they’re being paid to serve the customers, so they’ll say anything to keep you happy, and also to go away.

Customer 2: (Falsely humble) Well, I don’t know about you, but I may have had a few promising encounters with staff members in the past.

Customer 1: At places like this?

Customer 2: …No.

Customer 1: Yeah.  No employees.  (Looks around and subtly gestures at a customer in the magazine section) OK, that one browsing through Crafts and Hobbies – seems stable enough.

Customer 2: Eh, I suppose.

Customer 1: Wanna try tag teaming this time?

Customer 2: Considering you have yet to successfully pick up someone here tonight… yes. 

(Customer 1 smothers laughter as they walk over to that section; each grabs a magazine to browse as they slowly move closer to Customer 5 in a pincer movement)

Customer 1: (Unobtrusively leans over to see the type of magazine Customer 5 is reading) Oh, excuse me?

Customer 5: (Looks up at Customer 1) Yes?

Customer 1: Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit – (Nods at the magazine) is that a good magazine to start with?

Customer 5: Oh yes, it’s pretty informative.  (Intensely) If you want, I can teach you everything I know.

Customer 1: (Blinks a few times) Sorry, what?

Customer 5: I knit anything and everything – all I do is knit-knit-knit.  I’ve been searching the world over for a protégé to whom I can pass my knowledge – at last, my search has ended.

Customer 1: (Unaware of dropping the magazine onto the floor) Ummmm….

Customer 5: (Grabs Customer 1’s hand) Join me, and we will create a new world, one of peace, and joy, and – !

Customer 2: (Has put back the magazine and slips around Customer 5 to take Customer 1 by the waist) Babe, come on, you know people don’t like it when you talk to them!  (To Customer 5 as they walk away) Sorry, so annoying.

Customer 5: (To their backs as they exit the store) Make sure you subscribe to my channel, “Knit or Not” – it’ll change your life!

(In the parking lot, Customer 1 and Customer 2 separate and stop under a lamppost)

Customer 1: Thank you – that was certainly unexpected.

Customer 2: Sure; guess you just never know what kinds of weirdos you’re gonna meet in places like this.

Customer 1: That indeed.

Customer 2: Well, this was certainly enlightening.  I now know exactly what not to do when trying to pick up a stranger so, you know, thanks for that.

Customer 1: You’re welcome…. So, ever want another lesson?

Customer 2: Heh-heh, you’re hilarious.  Don’t get me wrong, although this wound up being the most enjoyable evening I’ve had in a long time, I seriously doubt the effectiveness of your methods.

Customer 1: Really.

Customer 2: I do, yes.

Customer 1: Worked on you, didn’t they?

Customer 2: (Laughs in disbelief) …No, no, I saw you first; I picked you up.  Tried to, anyway.

Customer 1: Yeeeaaahh, I saw you come into the store about five minutes earlier.  Thought you looked nice, so I... placed myself in your mostly likely path, and I waited.

Customer 2: (Eyes widen in realization) Honey pot?!  That’s the honey pot trap!

Customer 1: (Laughing) Well, I wasn’t out for any state secrets you’re hiding, but basically yeah.

Customer 2: You… sly… trickster!  I take back everything I said earlier: you’re really good.

Customer 1: Why thank you.  (Does a little curtsy)

Customer 2: So, seeing as we both got what we originally were aiming for tonight, how about we celebrate with dessert at the café around the corner?

Customer 1: Sounds great.  (They walk toward their respective cars) Keep in mind: jury’s still out on whether you’re one of the weirdos I have to worry about, though.

Customer 2: Same.

Story 381: Bonding With a Stranger Over Pop Culture

 (At an anniversary dinner in a banquet hall, two couples and two singles are seated at that table during the lull between everyone arriving and the pasta course)

Guest 1: (To the others at the table) So, how do you all know the guests of honor?  We – (Gestures to Guest 2) used to play golf and mah-jongg with them, but once something major like knee surgery or moving out-of-state happens, these things just kind of drop off on their own, you know?

Guest 2: Yeah, that’s Life: things just happen.  Or stop happening, in this case.

Guest 3: Well, I used to work with both of them way back when, and then they got promoted and I got fired – the two events were unrelated, but they still invite me to all their stuff out of guilt for some reason.  I haven’t actually spoken to them outside of these things for over 20 years.

Guest 4: And I keep getting invited because we – (Gestures to Guest 3) were married; we divorced ages ago, but they don’t need to know that.

Guest 3: Least I could do: a free meal’s a free meal.

Guest 1: (To Guest 5 and Guest 6) And what about you two?

Guest 5: Distant cousin who didn’t make the cut for one of the family tables.

Guest 6: I met them once at my boss’s barbecue – I don’t even know how they got my address.

Guest 1: Oh.  Welcome.  (Servers deliver the pasta) Oh thank goodness – dig in!

(They all focus on the food and make it last as long as possible; the couples begin talking within their own units, while the singles continue on in silence.  Guest 5 cuts the pasta into miniscule pieces, and Guest 6 soon turns the old stand-by of playing on a cell phone)

Guest 6: (Scrolling through an article, grumbling) Aw no, someone posted spoilers already?  My night’s ruined.

Guest 5: (Maximizing the sauce) Everything OK?

Guest 6: (Distracted) Oh – yeah – just some show I watch; new episode’s on tonight and people already are posting spoilers.  It’s not even over yet; there’s still 20 minutes left.

Guest 5: Heh, is that Sword Slash?

Guest 6: (Perks up) Why, yes it is – you watch it?

Guest 5: Every week.  I’m gonna catch it after I get home from this, so please don’t tell me what everyone’s posting.

Guest 6: (Pockets the phone) Wouldn’t dream of it.  So, what do you think of the whole trapped-in-the-mountain storyline this season?

Guest 5: I’m on the fence about that: it’s an interesting change of pace, shake things up for the series –

Guest 6: Definitely after last season.

Guest 5: Oh yeah – those trolls?  The castle burning down for no good reason? The out-of-nowhere love triangle that nobody asked for?

Guest 6: Ugh, I hate love triangles.  Two people being mushy are bad enough and now we’ve got a third, adding their angst and drama?  Barf.

Guest 5: I know, it’s totally manufactured conflict and pads the runtime; take it out and we’d never miss it…. What was I saying earlier?

Guest 6: They’re all trapped in the mountain now.

Guest 5: Right – yes, good shake-up for the series, but after five episodes it’s getting a bit old, don’t you think?

Guest 6: Oh yeah, but they did have that whole issue with location filming so I can see why they had to keep the sets limited.

Guest 5: True, but still: how long can they all wander around the same bunch of tunnels and keep us interested?  I’m starting to feel the apathy creeping back in, and I used to be obsessed with this show two years ago.

Guest 6: Ah yes, The Golden Age when ---- ---- was still in the cast.  Too bad that one had to go off and make movies and be even more successful and whatever.

Guest 5: Speaking of, did you see their new movie?

Guest 6: (Servers deliver the main course, and Guest 5 and Guest 6 eat while talking) I did.  Not a fan.

Guest 5: Really?  I liked it, but it had its flaws.

Guest 6: I never thought I would use this term in my life, but I found the whole thing a bit bombastic.

Guest 5: Ouch.  I guess you could call it that.

Guest 6: Don’t get me wrong: acting was decent, writing was… passable, but the directing?  So.  Much.  Everything!

Guest 5: Oh yeah, my face was stuck in a cringe for the last hour, and I was sitting next to one of the speakers in the theater so that didn’t help.  Did they really need to show that many supernovas?  And I’m pretty sure there’s no sound in space, so why did we have to hear them all go “boom”?

Guest 6: I know.  The soundtrack was phenomenal, though; I actually bought it and it’s great to hear the music when it’s not overlaid by all the explosions and screams.

Guest 5: Ooh, I’ll have to check that out, thanks!

Guest 6: Sure.  I was surprised ---- did a song on it, during that one quiet scene by the neutron star.

Guest 5:  Really?  That was ----?  I love all their stuff, how could I’ve missed it?!

Guest 6: Easy to do: post-production added electromagnetic waves from stars over the vocals, I guess to emphasize how much in space we all were.  The soundtrack has just the vocals and the music, which usually bothers me when it’s changed from what was in the movie but in this case was an improvement.

Guest 5: I’ll have to get that album, then.  Did you get ----’s new one yet?

Guest 6: Yes, but it doesn’t have the movie song on it `cause of the rights or something.

Guest 5: Bummer; still, don’t you think the album’s amazing?

Guest 6: Sure do – listen to it all the time.  (Takes out the phone again)  Wanna listen to some of it now?

Guest 5: YES.

Guest 1: (Stands with Guests 2, 3, and 4) We’re all going to the buffet table for dessert – you two want some?

Guest 5: Nah, I’m good, thanks.

Guest 6: Yeah, we’re working on something here right now.  (Both lean closer to the phone to listen to the music)

Guest 1: (Mutters while heading to dessert) Weirdos.

(Later that night, Guest 5 greets parents while entering the house)

Guest 5: Hi!  I’m home!

Parent 1: Have a good time?  Or at least some good food?

Guest 5: Both!  I was at a table with a bunch of strangers, but I wound up talking to the one next to me about movies, and shows, and music – we pretty much liked all the same things, it was great!

Parent 2: How nice!  What was their name?

Guest 5: …Name?

Story 217: A Good Reason to Go to a Party With Strangers

            Spouse 1: Hey hon, we got invited to my office holiday party again this year – I can make up some excuse for you if you don’t want to go.

            Spouse 2: Why would you do something like that?  Of course I want to go!

            Spouse 1: …Really?

            Spouse 2: Sure!  I had a great time last year!  Why do you think I wouldn’t want to go again?

            Spouse 1: Well, `cause it’s a work party where we all talk shop with our inside jokes, and last year you complained the whole time before we went that you wouldn’t know anybody there, and then you complained the whole time afterward that I abandoned you to go sing karaoke all night, which – full disclosure – I intend to do again.  What changed since then?

            Spouse 2: Oh, the complaining afterwards was a matter of principle – you did abandon me in the midst of a bunch of drunken office drones, which is a recipe for disaster.  But I had a blast!  I can’t wait to go this year!

            Spouse 1: …Why?

            Spouse 2: You’ll see.

AT THE PARTY

            Guest 1: Hi guys!  Glad you could make it!

           Spouse 2: Are you kidding?!  We wouldn’t miss this for anything barring a death in the family!

            Spouse 1: Heh-heh – you serving any drinks?

            Guest 1: Only the light stuff this year; last time got a bit out of hand, if you remember.

            Spouse 1: I sadly don’t.

            Spouse 2: I do, and I’m not surprised.

            Guest 1: Ooh, the “Guess the number of candy canes” table is finally set up – gotta go!

            Spouse 2: Ooh, I’ve gotta go, too.

            Spouse 1: Go where?  We just got here!

           Spouse 2: That lady by the snack table: can’t for the life of me remember her name, but she’s one of the reasons I came back to this social awkwardness.

            Spouse 1: Her?  That’s my supervisor –

            Spouse 2: Hi!  How’ve you been?

            Guest 2: Oh hey!  Nice to see you again!

            Spouse 2: Same here!  So, how was your year?

          Guest 2: Don’t get me started!  Your other half knows this past quarter was all drama, but before that – I don’t know if you remember me telling you last time about the research trip I took to study coral reefs?

            Spouse 2: I sure do.

           Guest 2: Well, I went on it again this summer, and wouldn’t you know it, while we’re out there we got held hostage by pirates?!  Actual pirates!  H.R. didn’t believe me.

           Spouse 2: No way!  What’d you guys do?

          Guest 2: What could we do, except tell those guys we were scientists and not tourists so we had no real money on us, and it took forever to get them to let us go `cause they had to check with their boss…

ONE HOUR LATER

            Guest 2: So I am never bungee jumping off that cliff again, let me tell you.  Ah, I think they’re serving dinner now.

            Spouse 2: Aw shucks, OK.  See you around!

            Spouse 1: What was that all about?

           Spouse 2: Weren’t you listening?  She was installing a water filtration system in that village and nearly busted her head open on the side of that mountain!  Crazy, man.

           Spouse 1: I’ve worked with her for three years and never heard any of this – you two have never met outside of these events and she’s told you her life story!

            Spouse 2: Exactly.  Ooh, we have to sit next to that guy at dinner.

            Spouse 1: He works in I.T.; I don’t remember his name.

            Spouse 2: Hey man, good to see you again!

            Guest 3: Oh hi, good to see you again, too!

            Spouse 2: So how’s life been treating you?

            Guest 3: Not too bad – got to go to the Oscars as a seat-filler again this year.

            Spouse 2: No way!  Sit next to anyone famous?

           Guest 3: No, but I was only two rows away from them at any given moment.  That surprisingly was topped by my trip to the dentist the following week.

            Spouse 2: No way!

TWO HOURS LATER

            Guest 3: The takeaway from all that happened while I was there, though, is that I really just need to have my hair cut more often.

            Spouse 2: Ahahahaha!  Wait, is dessert over already?

            Guest 3: Looks like it.  I’m gonna go take a nap before phase 2 of these shenanigans.  Nice talking to you!

            Spouse 2: Same here! – Oh, there you are.  Off doing karaoke, were we?

           Spouse 1: Yes.  I was feeling a bit abandoned myself this year, and you didn’t seem to notice if I stayed or went.

Spouse 2: Yeah, I’m having the best time, I wish it could last all night, these people are amazing!

Spouse 1: I can’t believe you get along better with my co-workers than I do!

           Spouse 2: Maybe because I actually listen to them.  Ooh, there’s that gal with the 10 kids and the three PhDs; I simply have to know if she ever did get to do that lecture series from the space station!