(In a large office)
Coworker 1: (Speaking to the computer monitor while addressing Coworker 2 at the next desk over) It’s great that we get two weeks’ vacation a year, but what if somebody takes them a full week at a time and just wants an extra day here and there to do absolutely nothing, or errands, and doesn’t want to use sick time in case they jinx themselves into getting sick and actually need those days?
Coworker 2: (Trying to solve a differential equation for a school project) Uhhhhh-huhhhhh….
Coworker 1: Just a few extra float days each year is all I’m saying; it’s not like we’re asking for sabbaticals or year-long parental leaves, although those also would be nice – (Reads an e-mail and suddenly chokes) Oh no – oh no – oh no –
Coworker 2: (Half-looks over) “Oh” what?
Coworker 1: (Types and clicks the mouse frantically) Shoot – shoot – shoot – SHOOT – SHOOT – !
Coworker 2: (Fully looks over) Easy there, chum, you’re skirting the edges of acceptable language and volume. What happened?
Coworker 1: (With an extremely wan face, turns to Coworker 2) Remember that memo I sent to I.T. last week telling them to turn off the thing for the thing?
Coworker 2: (Looks up briefly to think) …No.
Coworker 1: Well, I did, and they did, and I just now got an e-mail from somebody trying to access the thing, and I just now realized I shouldn’t have told them to turn off the thing because of a lot of people actually’ll still need it, and I also just now realized this is going to mess up so many other things company-wide if it hasn’t already, and I have no idea how to fix it because it can’t be undone, and what am I gonna do???!!!
Coworker 2: (Shrugs and resumes homework) Only thing you can do: own it.
Coworker 1: (Slumps in seat) Ohhhh, that’s going to hurt soooo muchhhh – but you’re saying I should `cause it’s the right thing to do, right?
Coworker 2: “Right thing to do” doesn’t factor into my equations.
Coworker 1: So… what does?
Coworker 2: (Turns back to Coworker 1) If this thing has had as big an impact on the company as you think it does, then there’s no getting out of it being traced back to you. No amount of whining or groveling will save you from the inevitable backlash, so the only thing you can do now is get ahead of the whole mess and do a proverbial fall your proverbial sword.
Coworker 1: Sounds Shakespearean, but I never read any of that.
Coworker 2: Yeah. Basically, fess up to what happened, take all responsibility for anything and everything that might have happened or possibly will happen, and report yourself to H.R. or Corporate or whatever. Everyone will love you for your honesty and self-recrimination, and go out of their way not to punish you.
Coworker 1: (Sniffs back tears) Really? Just like that?
Coworker 2: Yep. But you’ve got an extremely narrow window of opportunity to play this golden card, so I say if you’re gonna do it, do it now.
Coworker 1: (Thinks this over, nods, and stands) You’re right; I’m off to trip on my dagger, then! (Runs to Manager’s office)
Coworker 2: (Briefly looks after Coworker 1) It’s fall on your – ah, forget it. (Submits the solved problem and returns to working on a doctoral dissertation)
(In Manager’s office)
Manager: (On the phone) I’m telling you, they’re getting weirder by the minute –
Coworker 1: (Bursts through the door) I DID IT!
Manager: Speaking of; gotta go. (Hangs up the phone and stares calmly at Coworker 1) Have a seat. (Coworker 1 sits decidedly) So, what’s up?
Coworker 1: I messed up big time, Boss!
Manager: Take it down a notch.
Coworker 1: Sorry – I ruined everything for everyone.
Manager: How’s that?
Coworker 1: I told I.T. to turn off the thing for the thing instead of leaving it alone `cause apparently a lot of people are still using the thing –
Manager: I’ll say: I need to use the thing myself later today.
Coworker 1: Well, it’s irrevocably turned off, I did it, and I ruined everything, it was me, all me! (Lowers head to the desk and sobs hysterically)
Manager: Oh, you’re crying now. Well, thank you for notifying me as soon as you found out; we’ll figure out how to deal with it, then. (Starts typing on the computer) Now get out before I get angry.
Coworker 1: (Scurries back to Coworker 2) I’m going to cautious-optimistically say that your suggestion worked – how did you know?
Coworker 2: (Processing an experiment) Trial and error.
Coworker 1: Oh. Anyway, so far I think I’m all right –
Coworker 3: (Passing by) Hey: heard you took the blame for having I.T. turn off the thing for the thing.
Coworker 1: Yes-I-did-it-all-it-was-me-from-the-very-beginning-I’m-so-sorrrryyy!!!
Coworker 3: OK; just wanted to say don’t worry about it, happens to us all, we’ll figure it out together, no matter what we’ve got your back. (Lightly slaps said back and leaves)
Coworker 1: …Maybe I should mess up more often.
THE FOLLOWING WEEK
(In a conference room before a presentation)
Coworker 4: (Standing at a computer terminal) All right, who forgot to update the slides with this quarter’s data?!
Coworker 1: (Raises hand wildly) Ooh, ooh, me, it was my turn and I completely forgot, and now I ruined everything for our group, I’m so sorry!!
Coworker 4: OK, calm down, I’ll tell them we’ll send the data later. Respect your honesty; it takes a lot of guts not to worm your way out of this one.
Coworker 1: (Leans back in chair and folds hands behind head) Yes. Yes it does.
THE FOLLOWING WEEK
(In the office common area, a group of coworkers meet in a circle)
Coworker 5: Now I know somebody here dropped the ball in not following policy, and we’re all going to get cited for it even though the rest of us didn’t do it, and I’m so mad I could spit!
Coworker 1: It was me! I dropped the ball that’ll get all of us in trouble! I can’t bear my mistake-riddled self; I never do anything right! (Hunches over, weeping)
Coworker 5: (Pats Coworker 1’s shoulder) Hey, it’s OK, we can work around this, it’s not as bad as I thought at first. You all right, buddy?
Coworker 1: (Straightens up immediately, dry-eyed) I’ll manage.
THE FOLLOWING WEEK
(Coworker 6 approaches Coworkers 1’s desk)
Coworker 6: Hey: without this one piece to the project, the whole thing’s gonna fall apart! What happened?!
Coworker 1: (Has feet propped up on the desk and is snacking on popcorn) Oh, I completely forgot to enter that in; no excuse; I embrace all responsibility for that oversight; please do forgive my egregious error.
Coworker 6: Well, I appreciate that; I’ll try to figure out how to fix this, then. (Leaves)
Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) So, it seems by doing everything wrong lately, I can do no wrong lately.
Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the computer screen) Does it now.
Manager: (Passing by, to Coworker 1) Yeah, you’re fired.
Coworker 1: (Drops feet back to the ground and spills the popcorn) Huh?!
Manager: You’ve been doing nothing but mistakes lately, and who needs that? Get your error-prone self out of here. (Leaves)
(Coworker 1 stares at Coworker 2 in accusatory shock)
Coworker 2: (Preparing to give a commencement speech at a virtual graduation ceremony; to Coworker 1) Never overplay the golden card: it stops working at a certain point.
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