Story 507: To Get What You Want, Stop Wanting It So Much

(In an office, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver, then picks it up again and slams it down several times) No, I don’t get it; no, I don’t understand!  (Sheepishly turns to Coworker 2) Sorry; I’m done now.

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Didn’t get the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Grits teeth while staring at the phone accusingly) No, I did not.  (Turns back to Coworker 2) I know I don’t have all the qualifications but I certainly worked harder for it!

Coworker 2: So?

Coworker 1: “So?”!  So that means I wanted it more and should’ve gotten it!

Coworker 2: Clearly not: wanting something more only increases your disappointment when you don’t get it.  Plus it reeks of desperation and that usually repels the people in the position to give it to you.

Coworker 1: Oh.  So you’re saying I should’ve “negged” them instead?

Coworker 2: Nah, negging usually repels people even more: putting them down would only further justify their withholding.

Coworker 1: Makes sense.  Any suggestions on what I should do, then?

Coworker 2: (Finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Whelp, I’ve found that appropriating one of the basic tenets of a religion that I don’t practice has changed my life: I came across a quote from Buddhism one day saying that the root of all suffering is desire, and it hit me over the head with how much perfect sense it made.  I stopped wanting things so much, and I’ve never been happier.

Coworker 1: Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Uh-huh.  I then started getting more of what I had wanted, right when I didn’t really want them anymore, so you see the irony.  (Turns back to type actual words on the computer)

Coworker 1: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Nothing else to it?  You don’t also have to meditate, or fast, or anything else that that religion might entail?

Coworker 2: Nah, I’m too lazy and hypocritical for all that integrity.  And it seems to be working without me doing anything else, soooo… yeah.

Coworker 1: (Taps a random key while deep in thought) Hmmmm….

Coworker 2: If you actually are going to start meditating, please do it silently while in my presence; it’s the only payment I demand for my free advice.

Coworker 1: (Stops tapping) Got it.

(In a supermarket warehouse the next day, Coworker 1 pushes a shopping hand truck up and down aisles until reaching an open section where there is a massive giveaway table surrounded by shoppers and staffed by one overwhelmed employee)

Coworker 1: (Reading the details on signs) Ooh, I’ve been wanting this for years, and now it’s free?!  (Sees the crowd and dwindling supplies) Nope; no, they’ll just run out right when I shove my way to the front, and I’ll have aggravated myself for nothing.  Best not to want it at all…. (Turns hand truck back to the aisles and continues shopping, nonchalantly)

(At the checkout)

Cashier: (Finishing scanning Coworker 1’s purchases) Did you get one of the giveaways they had in the center of the store?

Coworker 1: (Chuckles) Oh, no, I passed on all that madness.

Cashier: Would you like one?  (Holds up a giveaway) We all got it, but I don’t want mine and I’m trying to get rid of it.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the giveaway) … If you insist.

(At home the next day, Coworker 1 sits at the kitchen table, holding a cell phone with closed eyes)

Coworker 1: (Muttering) Don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it – (Opens eyes, selects a contact, and places a call) Hi, how’s everything?... Really quick: you know how for my birthday I originally said I wanted that collector’s edition comic book that I’d lost when I was a kid, but you said you were having a really hard time finding it and probably couldn’t get it?... Well, now I don’t want it anymore, so you can just get me a pack of gum or something instead…. You did find it?... Just now, you say?...  What an amazing coincidence!  Never mind, then!... Thanks, you too, bye!  (Ends the call and looks up triumphant, then haunted) This is getting a little scary.

(At the office the next day, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Yeah, wow, that’s great…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver)

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Got the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2 in shock) Yes!  Whatever-their-name-is changed their mind last-minute and turned it down, so it defaulted to me!

Coworker 2: Well, congratulations.

Coworker 1: But I’d already stopped wanting it!

Coworker 2: And hence the irony.

Coworker 1: (Buries head in hands) What am I gonna dooo????

Coworker 2: Take the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Looks up again) Obviously.  But that isn’t all.  (Reaches into pants pockets, pulls out a bunch of $1 scratch-off tickets, and holds them out to show Coworker 2, who finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Look at these: all winners.

Coworker 2: Sweet.

Coworker 1: (Shoves tickets back into pockets) Those new sneakers I pined after for weeks but could never afford?  Accidentally shipped to my address, in my size, due to a glitch and they’re letting me keep them.

Coworker 2: Nice.

Coworker 1: My dream vacation to Antarctica that I knew would never happen?  Just got offered to me yesterday all expenses paid with my local nerd explorers group because they’re suddenly short a “civilian volunteer”.

Coworker 2: Fortuitous.

Coworker 1: But all these great things are happening to me after I don’t want them anymore!

Coworker 2: And the problem is?

Coworker 1: I’m afraid if I do start wanting them again so that I actually can enjoy them, doesn’t that mean they’ll all be taken away?!

Coworker 2: Doubtful: I think gratitude might be the other half of the equation, so as long as you have that then you should be all set.

Coworker 1: Really?

Coworker 2: Definitely.  I stopped wanting to be CEO of this company years ago and that’s when it finally happened, so I was thankful for it and have been freewheeling ever since.  (Resumes typing)

Coworker 1: …Wait, you’re our CEO?!

Coworker 2: Yep.  You’re doing a great job, by the way; just need to cut down on the phone calls a bit.

Coworker 1: What?!

Coworker 2: Thanks to employees like you, the company basically runs itself; I rarely have to go to meetings anymore, which I made sure to want extra badly so they’d go away.

Coworker 1: But you come in here and work at this dinky desk every day!   Why would you do that when you could be literally anywhere else?!

Coworker 2: Gives me something to do.

Story 331: I Never Win Anything

            (At a bridal shower)

           Friend 1: (Checking watch) Shoot – there’s probably another hour-and-a-half for this thing, and I’d promised my cousin I’d go watch him play kiddie soccer at 5, so now I’m probably only going to catch the very end when they either all run into each other or score 10 goals for both teams.

           Friend 2: (Forkful of salad frozen in mid-air) The end-time for this was listed on the invitation.

            Friend 1: Who pays attention to that?!  Oh well, might as well stick around for the centerpiece giveaway, although I never win anything so what’s the point even?

            Friend 2: Oh come on, I’m sure you’ve won something in your life.

            Friend 1: I’m conveniently not remembering any of those instances at this moment.

AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LATER

            Friend 1: (Checking watch and starting to stand) OK, now I really have to go – no more food’s gonna be coming, the staff’s getting antsy to clean up, and the bride-to-be doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall so I doubt she’ll even notice me leaving.

            Friend 2: (Looking at the other end of the room and waving a hand at Friend 1) Hold on, they’re doing the centerpiece giveaway now.

              Friend 1: (Sits back down) All right, you all get one more minute outta me.

             Matron of Honor: OK, everyone – if you have a ticket taped to the bottom of your seat, you get to take home the centerpiece, yay!

             Guest: What if the one at our table already left and the chair’s empty?

             Matron of Honor: Then duel over it – I don’t care, I’m done.  (Collapses at a table and downs a cup of coffee)

          Friend 1: (Checks under seat and freezes).  Oh.  (Pulls out a ticket that was taped there)  What’s all this?

            Friend 2: Yippee, you won!  Your streak is ended.

            Friend 1: (Gingerly takes the centerpiece and stares at it) My streak is ended.  But I never win anything.

            Friend 2: And now you have.  So be happy about it.

            Friend 1: (Still speaking to the centerpiece) Can’t: I have a strange sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

            Friend 2: Oh here we go.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At an office, Friend 1 is seated at a desk and speaking on a phone)

            Friend 1: Are you kidding me?!  How many times do I have to send out the same thing until it gets done?!  Does no one here read, or did they all just swear an oath to ignore me?!

            Coworker: (Quickly approaches the desk while pushing a cart) Hey – bad time?

            Friend 1: (To Coworker) Always!  (To the phone) I’m hanging up on you now – I just wanted you to know that it’s purely intentional.  (Presses the receiver, then slams down the handset)  So, what can I do for you, that I may or may not decide to do?

           Coworker: (Pulls a giant gift basket out of the cart and drops it onto the desk) You won the raffle today.

            Friend 1: (Stares at the gift basket) But I just entered that to donate to heart health – I wasn’t actually going to win, I never win anything!

             Coworker: Um, sorry, then?  Anyway, congrats, bye.  (Wheels cart away double-time)

             Friend 1: (Still speaking to the gift basket) What am I going to do with this monstrosity?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

Friend 1: (Answers the phone) Mmm-yell-oh?

          Caller: Connnnn-gratulations!  You have won two tickets to an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean –

            Friend 1: Now that’s just a filthy lie.  (Disconnects)

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At a café)

            Friend 2: …so I told him, “Listen, I don’t remember the job description mentioning that I’d be enlisting in the military or working on-call for the Emergency Department, so I fail to see why I should work nights and/or weekends in addition to a full-time shift when what we do has no direct impact on anyone’s health or safety.”  Was that too rude, you think?

            Friend 1: Not rude enough, in my opinion.  (Checks phone when alert sounds) Oh.  I just won the lottery.

            Friend 2: Awesome!  How much?

            Friend 1: …The jackpot.

            Friend 2: You’re joking.

          Friend 1: Unless there’s an inconvenient glitch, my numbers match their numbers.  All their numbers.

            Friend 2: Wow.  That jackpot was disgustingly huge.  You probably can retire!

            Friend 1: Not likely – I’ll be lucky if I see a quarter of that amount in the end.

            Friend 2: Oh, right.  But still, you won, yay!  You’ve been on quite the new streak lately.

            Friend 1: Hm.  I don’t trust this chain of events.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) So, how’s the rich life going?

          Friend 1: Too many taxes and previously unknown relatives.  Really digging the wiped-out debts, though.

            Friend 2: Well, I’m really happy for you.

           Friend 1: (Sound of tearing paper can be heard) Thanks; I’m sure it’ll have more pros than cons in the long run.  Maybe we can take a random trip to Alaska or something, I don’t know.

            Friend 2: Cool – I always wanted to see a place that’s in almost-24-hour darkness.

            Friend 1: Aw, nuts!

            Friend 2: Eh?

           Friend 1: I’m going through my mail and just got a notice about that contest I entered last year.

            Friend 2: I’m guessing from your tone that means you lost.

           Friend 1: Darn tootin’ I lost!  I was really looking forward to this one, too – I tell ya, I never win anything!