Story 566: “That” Relative at Thanksgiving

 [Disclaimer: This is not based on personal experience J]

(At the front door of a house, Relative 1 and Friend arrive carrying casserole dishes)

Friend: You sure they’re gonna like my mashed potatoes?

Relative 1: (Ringing the doorbell) Probably – and if they don’t, they’re decent enough to say so behind your back instead of to your face.

Friend: Oh good.

(Door is opened by Relative 2)

Relative 2: (As everyone hugs) Hiiiiii!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Glad you could make it!

Relative 1 and Friend: (As the group clusters into the vestibule) Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 2: (Taking their coats and both dishes with practiced ease while also closing the front door) Come in, come in, make yourselves at home!  (Leans in with a low voice) Listen: just a heads-up that – ahem – Elder Cousin is also here today.

Relative 1: (Also in a low voice) What?  I haven’t seen her in years – I thought she died.

Relative 2: (Somehow smacks Relative 1 on the arm while still holding the coats and dishes) You hush your mouth!  No, she’s still with us, bless her heart, so I invited her today, and she came.  (Glares at Relative 1) So behave.

Relative 1: (Rubbing arm and mumbling) I always behave.

Relative 2: (Smiles at Friend) Would you like something to drink?

Friend: I’m good right now, thanks.

Relative 2: All righty – nibbles are out, so help yourselves!  I’ll be in the kitchen for the next five hours.  (Hustles off to toss the coats into a spare room and resume Mission: Thanksgiving Dinner)

Friend: (Whispers to Relative 1 as they make their way to the living room) Remind me: who’s “Elder Cousin”?

Relative 1: Oh, she’s technically the head of the extended family now by default, but we don’t see her so much on this side.  When she does make an appearance though, well….

Friend: What?

Relative 1: (They both stop walking) You ever been around someone who literally sucks the energy out of an entire room?

Friend: Once or twice.

Relative 1: Then you know.

Friend: So, the usual “don’t discuss religion and politics”, but in this case to the extreme?

Relative 1: Actually, those topics would probably be a welcome distraction today.

Friend: (As they start walking again) Oh, my.

(In the living room)

Relative 1: (Opens arms wide and smiles extremely broadly) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Relatives 3-8: (Enthusiastically jump up from their seats) Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hugs and kisses all around take a few minutes)

Relative 1: (Still smiling broadly, turns to Elder Cousin seated on the couch) Happy Thanksgiving!  (Gives a kiss, then gestures to Friend who waves at Elder Cousin) Not sure if you met before, but this is my friend –

Elder Cousin: (To Friend) I remember you.

Friend: (Frozen smile) Oh?

Elder Cousin: We met briefly at Great-Granddad’s funeral.  You were very polite.

Friend: (Thinks back quickly) Oh… yes!  Thank you – that was…?

Elder Cousin: Seven years and two months ago.  I never forget a burial.

Friend: Ah.

Elder Cousin: (As Relatives 3-8 slowly sit down again on chairs and focus on the nibbles) It was like a dream that day: still summer, and yet there was a sudden frost so it almost looked like there was snow on the ground.  And Great-Granddad – so peaceful, yet I could still feel his judgement upon us all.

Friend: …I do remember the frost.

Elder Cousin: I should hope so, because it’s the last we’ll ever see this side of New Year’s, let me tell you.  Not that it’s ever done me any good.

Relative 1: (Claps hands briskly) Awesome!  So where’s the food?

Relative 3: (Leaps up from an armchair) I’ll get you a plate!  (Zooms toward the dining room where all the appetizers are laid out)

Relative 1: (Panics as escape has been foiled) No-no, I’ll get it –

Relative 3: I INSIST!  (Vanishes like the wind)

Elder Cousin: (Pats the couch on both sides of her; to Relative 1 and Friend) Have a seat.  (They sit slowly in the spots indicated)

Relative 1: Soooo… did you watch the parade today?

Elder Cousin: No.  Those things are displays of excess that crush the spirit.

Relative 1: Mm-hm, mm-hm…. Read any good books lately?

Elder Cousin: I haven’t read a good book in 50 years.

Relative 1: [Sighs in literal deflation]

(A few moments of silence, broken up by chewing)

Relative 4: (Perks up) We had the school play a few weeks ago – I was the lead.

Relatives 1, 5-8, and Friend: (All at once) Wonderful! That’s great!  Congratulations!

Elder Cousin: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts: you’ll never be on top of the world like that again.

Relative 4: Really?

Relative 5: (In a low voice to Relative 4) Don’t.

Elder Cousin: Experiences like that are fleeting, ephemeral – it feels amazing at the time, but passes all too soon and ultimately means nothing.  Makes you wonder why we even bother in the first place.

Relative 4: Oh.  Why do we bother?

Relative 5: (Pats Relative 4 comfortingly on the shoulder) It’s OK, dear – eat your cheese and crackers.

(Relative 2 rushes into the living room)

Relative 2: It’s done!  It’s finally done, ahahahahaha!  (Everyone else stares blankly back) Anybody want to help me bring all the stuff to the table or what?

(Relatives 4-8 leap up and run to the kitchen, grabbing Relative 3 holding an overflowing plate on the way)

Elder Cousin: (To Relative 1) You never got your plate of appetizers.  Want me to go tell that cousin of yours to bring it over with your dinner?

Relative 1: No, that’s OK – it’s a moot point now.

(Relative 1 and Friend walk with Elder Cousin to the dining room; plates and bowls continue to be brought in and glasses filled until there is no more room on the table, and everyone sits down)

Relative 2: (Smiling at the guests) I want to thank you all for coming today and sharing in our family tradition!  How about we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?  (Nods to Relative 6 nearby) You first.

Relative 6: (Raises a glass) That’s easy: I’m thankful for good health, good family, and good gravy, heh-heh-heh.

(Scattered chuckles across the table)

Relative 2: That’s great!  (To Elder Cousin) And what are you thankful for?

Elder Cousin: Not much: existence is a burden that we’re unjustly saddled with, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.  (After a few moments) Could somebody pass me the cranberry sauce?

Relative 2: (Hands over the bowl) Well, that was fun!  Dig in, everyone!

Relative 7: (As everyone starts dishing food onto their plates) Well, I’m thankful for –

Relative 8: Save it: the moment’s over.

Relative 7: Right.

(After a few minutes of contended eating)

Friend: (To Relative 2) Thank you so much for all this; everything tastes great!  (Murmurs of assent from full mouths around the table)

Relative 2: Aw, thank you!  You know the old joke: it takes weeks to prepare, days to make, and minutes for it all to be eaten up and gone, with hours of clean-up afterward…. (Looks off into the distance and sighs)

Elder Cousin: Exactly: no point to any of it.  Might as well pay someone to cater – save yourself the stress and also the time that we all have less and less of.  (Takes another helping of mashed potatoes) I mean, don’t get me wrong: everything here is delicious, you’re an excellent chef, but are we even going to remember what this tasted like a day from now, much less decades later when our memories slowly fade into oblivion?

Relative 4: (Raises hand) I will – (Relative 5 gently lowers the other’s hand)

Elder Cousin: You’re young yet: enjoy the company here today, child, for nothing is certain.

(Eating around the table gradually tapers off)

Relative 1: (Frantically) So!  How about those wacky politicians, eh?!

Relative 3: (Sitting on the other side of Relative 1, dazedly holding a turkey leg) You’re too late: I don’t even have the will to fight with you about that stuff anymore.

Relative 1: (Tears apart a roll) …Rats.

(During the massive clean-up, as many people as possible have crammed themselves into the kitchen so Relative 1 and Friend escort Elder Cousin back to their original positions on the living room couch)

Friend: Well, that was delicious.

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t think I can fit another bite, so I’ll probably only be able to sample about half the desserts this year, if I’m lucky.  (Both chuckle)

Elder Cousin: Gluttony.

Friend: (To Elder Cousin) So what was your favorite dish?  (Relative 1 shakes head and widens eyes in warning at Friend)

Elder Cousin: (Shrugs) Eh, they all blur together into one giant carbohydrate.  Keep the insides ticking for another day, so that’s all that really matters, bottom line.

Friend: Uh-huh.

Elder Cousin: I do have a soft spot for that cranberry sauce, though.

Friend: It sure was tasty.

Elder Cousin: And your mashed potatoes were all right.

Friend: Thank you!

Elder Cousin: But the rest I could take or leave.

Relative 1: Aw, that’s too bad – maybe skip the whole thing next year, hm?!

Elder Cousin: I would, but I keep getting invited to these things no matter what comes out of my mouth; I guess the pull of family is too strong.

Relative 1: (Leans back on the couch and closes eyes contentedly while listening to the happy voices in the other room) The strongest force there is.

Story 565: Raking the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves

 SUNDAY MORNING

           (Homeowner 1 opens the front door of a house, takes in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air, and exhales with a smile)

Homeowner 1: (Partially turning to yell indoors) Honey?

Homeowner 2: (From somewhere deep inside the house) Yeah?

Homeowner 1: I’m gonna go rake the leaves!

Homeowner 2: All right, have fun.  Oh, could you also make sure the gutters are cleared out before you stop for the day, please?  I don’t want a repeat of last year.

Homeowner 1: Consider it done!  (Exits the house, grabs a sturdy rake, several large brown paper bags, and a garbage can, and hauls them to the edge of the leaf-carpeted lawn) At last we meet on the field of battle.  (Looks up at one of the trees on the lawn that still has leaves clinging to the branches, and shakes a fist at it in defiance) Do your worst, foul fiend!

Tree 1: <Buffoon.  Humans always make more work for themselves when if they had just let Nature take its course, this would all be fine for the ground and gone by spring.>

Tree 2: (Across the lawn) <Well, we all know that most of them are lacking the basic instructions on planet stewardship, so we really can’t expect much intuitive knowledge on that front now can we?>

Tree 1: <I suppose not.>

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, speaking to the fallen leaves) You will not defeat me!

Tree 1: <They certainly are entertaining, though.>

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Still raking frantically, in a different section of the front lawn) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: I paid all the bills and made an apple pie – you wanna take a break and have lunch or something?

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to wipe sweat from brow) Nope!  Thanks, but I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Glances over at the growing leaf pile) Maybe you should start bagging those.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses again to look at the pile that is almost at eye level, then shakes head) Later – I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: All right, then.  (Closes the front door) Whatever floats your boat.  (Goes into the kitchen and digs into the pie).

(Homeowner 1 continues to rake frantically at a steady pace as three neighborhood kids pull up to the curb on their bikes)

Kid 1: Hey, nice leaf pile.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly) Thank you!  (Resumes raking)

Kid 2: You mind if we jump in it?

Homeowner 1: (Without stopping) Go right ahead!  (Gestures to the opposite side of the large pile) Plenty of room for you all to romp!

Kid 3: Awesome!

(As they dismount, Kid 1 whistles and waves toward the end of the street; about 20 more kids ride up and dismount, and they all jump into the huge pile at different levels)

Kid 4: (Partially climbs up Tree 2 to jump onto the top of the pile) YIPPEE!  [WHOMP]

Tree 2: <I feel like I should be insulted, but no harm done I suppose.>

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to beam over the spectacle) And just like that, I’ve become the cool neighbor.  (Doubles the raking speed)

SUNDAY EVENING

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, now on the far side of the lawn; the neighborhood kids have long since left, and the Sun is setting) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: You wanna come in for dinner?

Homeowner 1: I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: You’ll have raked the entire neighborhood at this rate.

Homeowner 1: (Stops to look at the pile, which is now 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide) Are you kidding?  This is just from the trees on our lawn, not even counting the imports – I never knew they could shed so much, and there’s still more up there!  (Resumes raking)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh-heh.>

Homeowner 2: Well, make sure you come in some time tonight, then.

Homeowner 1: I still gotta do the gutters after this!

Homeowner 2: The gutters can wait.

Homeowner 1: Oh good, `cause I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Sighs) Good night.  (Closes the front door)

Homeowner 1: (Intensely focused on raking; mutters to the leaves) I have you now….

SATURDAY MORNING

(Several news vans, reporters, crews, and neighbors mass around the front of Homeowner 1’s and 2’s property, surrounding the centerpiece that is the gigantic leaf pile in the center of the lawn)

Reporter: (Addressing a camera over the sound of a nearby leaf blower and in front of kids lined up to jump onto and into the leaf pile) We’re coming to you live from Smalltown, USA, where behind me you can see what could possibly be the new record holder for the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves at an astounding – (Is handed a piece of paper from a crew member, who also is holding a large ruler) 55 feet and 10 inches high, 21 feet and 3 inches wide, and growing.  My goodness.

(The camera swings over to Homeowner 1, who is raking frantically from the backyard to the front as Homeowner 2 watches helplessly)

Homeowner 1: (To Homeowner 2) You know there’re always more back here!  (Rakes uninterrupted)

Reporter: (To the camera as Homeowner 2 approaches the news crew) We have been unable to speak just yet with the homeowner now known affectionately as “The Raker” due to the work in progress, but perhaps we can get an interview with the other party on the scene.  (To Homeowner 2) Excuse me, could we have a few words for the viewers at home?

Homeowner 2: Sure.  Normally I’d cuss you all out for invasion of privacy and say you’re just encouraging him, but I don’t think he even noticed you’re here so go ahead.

Reporter: Thank you.  Tell me, do you think an end is in sight soon for this amazing pile of arboreal detritus, or will it continue to grow indefinitely until it has consumed the entire neighborhood, and possibly beyond?

Homeowner 2: I don’t know what to think anymore!  I want my lawn back!  (Is distracted by the leaf blower increasing in volume; turns along with the camera to see a neighbor blowing leaves from an adjoining property onto theirs and smiling) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT??!!  (The neighbor skedaddles; turns with the camera back to Reporter) You see what I mean?!  Between stuff like that, kids jumping in and out of the pile at all hours of the day and night, and all sorts of creatures deciding this is a condominium built just them, I curse the day that pile was first created, you hear me, I curse it!

Reporter: (Nods in sympathy) Understandable.  And your concerns for The Raker?

Homeowner 2: He started this nightmare – he can finish it!  I’m moving!  (Runs back into the house and slams the front door)

Reporter: (Turns back to the camera as Homeowner 1 dumps a mini-pile onto the main attraction) There you have it, folks: dedication, or obsession?  You decide.  (Notices that Homeowner 1 has returned to the front lawn) Ooh, let’s see if we can get a quote from the source.  (Reporter and the camera approach Homeowner 1) Excuse me!  (Homeowner 1 briefly looks up, then resumes raking frantically I was wondering if there was anything you’d like to say on the record regarding your… endeavor?

Homeowner 1: (Eyes blazing with fervor, rakes even faster) I’M ON A ROLL!

Reporter: (Back to the camera as raking, pile-jumping, and Homeowner 2-leaving continue in the background) “On a roll”, indeed.  Thank you for joining us today, and after what we’ve just witnessed, please: Rake Responsibly.

Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 563: Post-Halloween Letdown

            (In line outside a building)

Friend 1: <Sigh> (Side-eyes Friend 2, who is studiously ignoring the former) <Siiiiiigggghhhh>…. <SIIIIIIGGGHHHH>

Friend 2: (Finally turns to Friend 1) Is this your passive-aggressive way of getting me to ask “What’s wrong?”

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Thought so.  (Goes back to staring at traffic passing by)

Friend 1: You’re no fun – I can’t just complain without any prompting.

Friend 2: Never stopped you before.

Friend 1: True, but I’m trying to give you some semblance of conversational control.

Friend 2: How thoughtful.

Friend 1: …Well?         

Friend 2: (Slowly turns back to Friend 1 with an exasperated look) Oh no, whatever is the matter?  Please rant about it for 10 minutes with ultimately no resolution.

Friend 1: There’s no need for sarcasm.

Friend 2: Sure there is.  So, spit it out – what’s wrong?

Friend 1: Oh, I don’t know –

Friend 2: Ugh.

Friend 1: No-no, that was just my introduction; ahem: Oh, I don’t know, I guess the whole post-Halloween letdown is getting to me, that’s all.

Friend 2: (Slowly blinks) What.

Friend 1: You know how it is: you gear up all October for Halloween, trying to get in the spirit of things, decorate indoors and out, dress up, watch scary movies, go to scary farms, eat all the candy, and then November 1 hits and BAM!

Friend 2: All Saints’ Day?

Friend 1: No!

Friend 2: Día de los Muertos?

Friend 1: No – wait, I actually should start celebrating that one, it looks pretty cool.

Friend 2: It’s a cultural celebration of people’s ancestors and you’d have no point of reference or understanding of its significance to truly appreciate it.

Friend 1: Food’s pretty good though, right?

Friend 2: Whatever: November 1 hits and what?

Friend 1: Oh, right: November 1, and all the fun’s over.  The decorations are now pitiful remnants of good times, the costumes get tucked away to be forgotten for another year, the scary farms are regular old farms again, the movies and the candy are good year-round but just don’t hit the same off-season – in short: blah.

Friend 2: We got Thanksgiving coming up before you know it.

Friend 1: Nobody cares about Thanksgiving!

Friend 2: Rude.

Friend 1: You know what I mean: pre-Halloween build-up is fun excitement, and post-Halloween is dreary letdown.  I also didn’t get to do much this year, no trick-or-treaters stopped by even to toilet paper my apartment building, and I went through all the Frankenstein movies for the first time ever with more of an appreciation for 30s and 40s filmmaking than actually being scared.

Friend 2: Wait, how many Frankenstein movies were there?  I thought it was just the one.

Friend 1: (Scoffs) Amateur: (Counts on fingers) not counting remakes, there’s also Bride of, Son of, Ghost of, House of –

Friend 2: OK, forget I asked.

Friend 1: I will.

Friend 2: So, if you’re all bummed out that Halloween’s over, maybe keep up the decorations for a few more weeks and dress like a zombie or a clown when you go to work or something.

Friend 1: (Stares off into the middle distance) I already tried all that.  The thrill is gone, and I got written up.

Friend 2: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re upset with the onward passage of time, again: hold on for another 11 months and I’m certain the thrill will return once more.

Friend 1: That’s all I have to look forward to, I suppose.  (They both advance one spot in the line) Spending a lovely Saturday morning on a never-ending queue sure isn’t helping my mood.

Friend 2: I’ll say.  So much for early voting – by the time we get to the head of the line, it’ll be Election Day.