Story 565: Raking the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves

 SUNDAY MORNING

           (Homeowner 1 opens the front door of a house, takes in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air, and exhales with a smile)

Homeowner 1: (Partially turning to yell indoors) Honey?

Homeowner 2: (From somewhere deep inside the house) Yeah?

Homeowner 1: I’m gonna go rake the leaves!

Homeowner 2: All right, have fun.  Oh, could you also make sure the gutters are cleared out before you stop for the day, please?  I don’t want a repeat of last year.

Homeowner 1: Consider it done!  (Exits the house, grabs a sturdy rake, several large brown paper bags, and a garbage can, and hauls them to the edge of the leaf-carpeted lawn) At last we meet on the field of battle.  (Looks up at one of the trees on the lawn that still has leaves clinging to the branches, and shakes a fist at it in defiance) Do your worst, foul fiend!

Tree 1: <Buffoon.  Humans always make more work for themselves when if they had just let Nature take its course, this would all be fine for the ground and gone by spring.>

Tree 2: (Across the lawn) <Well, we all know that most of them are lacking the basic instructions on planet stewardship, so we really can’t expect much intuitive knowledge on that front now can we?>

Tree 1: <I suppose not.>

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, speaking to the fallen leaves) You will not defeat me!

Tree 1: <They certainly are entertaining, though.>

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Still raking frantically, in a different section of the front lawn) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: I paid all the bills and made an apple pie – you wanna take a break and have lunch or something?

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to wipe sweat from brow) Nope!  Thanks, but I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Glances over at the growing leaf pile) Maybe you should start bagging those.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses again to look at the pile that is almost at eye level, then shakes head) Later – I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: All right, then.  (Closes the front door) Whatever floats your boat.  (Goes into the kitchen and digs into the pie).

(Homeowner 1 continues to rake frantically at a steady pace as three neighborhood kids pull up to the curb on their bikes)

Kid 1: Hey, nice leaf pile.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly) Thank you!  (Resumes raking)

Kid 2: You mind if we jump in it?

Homeowner 1: (Without stopping) Go right ahead!  (Gestures to the opposite side of the large pile) Plenty of room for you all to romp!

Kid 3: Awesome!

(As they dismount, Kid 1 whistles and waves toward the end of the street; about 20 more kids ride up and dismount, and they all jump into the huge pile at different levels)

Kid 4: (Partially climbs up Tree 2 to jump onto the top of the pile) YIPPEE!  [WHOMP]

Tree 2: <I feel like I should be insulted, but no harm done I suppose.>

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to beam over the spectacle) And just like that, I’ve become the cool neighbor.  (Doubles the raking speed)

SUNDAY EVENING

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, now on the far side of the lawn; the neighborhood kids have long since left, and the Sun is setting) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: You wanna come in for dinner?

Homeowner 1: I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: You’ll have raked the entire neighborhood at this rate.

Homeowner 1: (Stops to look at the pile, which is now 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide) Are you kidding?  This is just from the trees on our lawn, not even counting the imports – I never knew they could shed so much, and there’s still more up there!  (Resumes raking)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh-heh.>

Homeowner 2: Well, make sure you come in some time tonight, then.

Homeowner 1: I still gotta do the gutters after this!

Homeowner 2: The gutters can wait.

Homeowner 1: Oh good, `cause I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Sighs) Good night.  (Closes the front door)

Homeowner 1: (Intensely focused on raking; mutters to the leaves) I have you now….

SATURDAY MORNING

(Several news vans, reporters, crews, and neighbors mass around the front of Homeowner 1’s and 2’s property, surrounding the centerpiece that is the gigantic leaf pile in the center of the lawn)

Reporter: (Addressing a camera over the sound of a nearby leaf blower and in front of kids lined up to jump onto and into the leaf pile) We’re coming to you live from Smalltown, USA, where behind me you can see what could possibly be the new record holder for the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves at an astounding – (Is handed a piece of paper from a crew member, who also is holding a large ruler) 55 feet and 10 inches high, 21 feet and 3 inches wide, and growing.  My goodness.

(The camera swings over to Homeowner 1, who is raking frantically from the backyard to the front as Homeowner 2 watches helplessly)

Homeowner 1: (To Homeowner 2) You know there’re always more back here!  (Rakes uninterrupted)

Reporter: (To the camera as Homeowner 2 approaches the news crew) We have been unable to speak just yet with the homeowner now known affectionately as “The Raker” due to the work in progress, but perhaps we can get an interview with the other party on the scene.  (To Homeowner 2) Excuse me, could we have a few words for the viewers at home?

Homeowner 2: Sure.  Normally I’d cuss you all out for invasion of privacy and say you’re just encouraging him, but I don’t think he even noticed you’re here so go ahead.

Reporter: Thank you.  Tell me, do you think an end is in sight soon for this amazing pile of arboreal detritus, or will it continue to grow indefinitely until it has consumed the entire neighborhood, and possibly beyond?

Homeowner 2: I don’t know what to think anymore!  I want my lawn back!  (Is distracted by the leaf blower increasing in volume; turns along with the camera to see a neighbor blowing leaves from an adjoining property onto theirs and smiling) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT??!!  (The neighbor skedaddles; turns with the camera back to Reporter) You see what I mean?!  Between stuff like that, kids jumping in and out of the pile at all hours of the day and night, and all sorts of creatures deciding this is a condominium built just them, I curse the day that pile was first created, you hear me, I curse it!

Reporter: (Nods in sympathy) Understandable.  And your concerns for The Raker?

Homeowner 2: He started this nightmare – he can finish it!  I’m moving!  (Runs back into the house and slams the front door)

Reporter: (Turns back to the camera as Homeowner 1 dumps a mini-pile onto the main attraction) There you have it, folks: dedication, or obsession?  You decide.  (Notices that Homeowner 1 has returned to the front lawn) Ooh, let’s see if we can get a quote from the source.  (Reporter and the camera approach Homeowner 1) Excuse me!  (Homeowner 1 briefly looks up, then resumes raking frantically I was wondering if there was anything you’d like to say on the record regarding your… endeavor?

Homeowner 1: (Eyes blazing with fervor, rakes even faster) I’M ON A ROLL!

Reporter: (Back to the camera as raking, pile-jumping, and Homeowner 2-leaving continue in the background) “On a roll”, indeed.  Thank you for joining us today, and after what we’ve just witnessed, please: Rake Responsibly.

Story 492: Cat Corraller

(Outside a house on a residential street, Homeowner is chatting with Neighbor while holding the front door ajar)

Neighbor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for “live-and-let-live,” but if that kid’s moped-thing comes roaring down the street at 2:00 in the morning one more time, well – you’re gonna see some serious finger-wagging coming out of me, let me tell ya.

Homeowner: (Nodding quickly) Sure, OK, thanks for the warning, I’ve just gotta go back – (Turns to go inside when a gray streak flies past both sets of human legs) Oooohhhh, shooooooooooot!!! (Lets the door close and starts running after the blur)

Neighbor: Heh, what was that?

Homeowner: Darn cat got out again – I thought Lil’ Terror was safe in the den for the two minutes I was out here!  (Claps hands at several shaking bushes)

Neighbor: Yeah, they escape anything, those mini-Houdinis

Homeowner: (Dives behind one of the bushes just as Lil’ Terror flees around the corner of the house; pops head up while spitting out leaves) You’re tellin’ me!  (Runs around to the side of the house) Sweetie-pie!  Come back here!

Neighbor: (Following the two around the lawn) Whelp, you’ll never be able catch creatures like that by chasing `em  - they’re much too fast and wily.

Homeowner: (Dives again, almost getting a whisker; Lil’ Terror zooms under another neighbor’s fence) Well, I don’t know what else to do; silly thing’s gonna keep on running and won’t be able to find the way back home, the dolt!

Neighbor: (Takes out a phone and makes a call) Leave it to me: I know someone perfect for the job....

(Within five minutes, a van pulls up to the front curb; the logo on the side reads “Cat Corraller: Professional Feline Herder.”  The uniformed driver emerges carrying a kit, a fishing rod, a carrier, and a butterfly net)

Cat Corraller: (To Neighbor, waiting by the street) You rang?

Neighbor: (As they walk to the side of the house) Yeah: the fur parent’s over there.  (Points to Homeowner who is up a tree “Pspspsps”-ing while leaning over the fence)

Cat Corraller: (To Homeowner while opening the kit) The target’s no longer on your property, then?

Homeowner: (Turns suddenly to Cat Corraller) Huh?  Oh, yeah, Lil’ Terror’s off in the neighbor’s yard, looking for… something that apparently can’t be found here.

Neighbor: No one’s home to open the gate, either – should we break it down?

Cat Corraller: No need.  (Pulls out a package of treats and sets up the butterfly net to receive; gesturing to the treats) These usually do the trick.

Homeowner: Oh right; mine are inside.

Cat Corraller: (Starts shaking the bag of treats loudly) Oh Kitty, what’s this I have in my hands?

Homeowner: (Still up in the tree, peers over the fence again) Yes!  Go to the treats, Lil’ Terror, go!

(A gray streak emerges from under the fence and barrels toward Cat Corraller)

Cat Corraller: Got ya, you little – (The gray streak snatches the bag out of Cat Corraller’s hand and zooms around the corner of the house) Ah.  We’ve got a slippery devil here.

Homeowner: (Climbs down the tree and joins the other two) What just happened?!

Cat Corraller: (Squints thoughtfully in the direction of the gray streak) That, is one who has transcended the evolutionary ladder and is able to outmaneuver interspecies apex opponents.  However – (Opens the kit to retrieve heavy-duty gloves) I do relish a challenge.

(The three humans slowly round the corner of the house and see the cat lying in the middle of the driveway, having ripped open the treat package and devouring the crunchies within)

Cat Corraller: (Whispers to the other two) Right – this is perfect.  We can triangulate the wee pain-in-the-patootie.  (Points to Homeowner) You: approach from the north.  (Points to Neighbor) You: approach from the south.  (Points to self) I: approach from the east.

Homeowner: But what if Lil’ Terror goes west?

Cat Corraller: Then you two go west, too!  Simple geometry!

(The three creep up on the snacking kitty; Lil’ Terror continues eating until the others are a foot away, then instantaneously abandons the bag to dash through the gap in their formation and disappear in a hedgerow as Homeowner and Neighbor dive and miss)

Cat Corraller: That was ineffective triangulation there, folks. 

Homeowner: (Wailing from the ground) We’re trying our best!

Neighbor: Yeah, and by all rights I shouldn’t even have to be doing any of this.

Cat Corraller: No cause to fret: we just need a new plan.

(An hour later, Lil’ Terror strolls back through the hedgerow, sniffs the place in the driveway where the treats are no longer, then strolls onto the empty front yard and stops to nibble on some grass; attention is caught by a twitching cloth sardine that is several feet away.  The cat, licking lips, slowly begins stalking the sardine, body low, ears back, and rear end wriggling.  When Lil’ Terror leaps to pounce, the sardine is snatched away and reeled in across the law toward the house.  The cat runs after the sardine on a fishing wire, which is pulled in through the house’s open front door.  Lil’ Terror runs inside, straight into the arms of Homeowner as Neighbor slams the door shut from the outside.  In the living room, Cat Corraller finishes reeling in the sardine as Homeowner hugs the cat tightly)

Homeowner: Oh you silly, silly baby!  You gave me quite a scare there!

Cat Corraller: (Packing up gear) Aye, they do that to ye.  Here.  (Hands over the cloth sardine to Homeowner; Lil’ Terror starts gnawing it) On the house.  It’s got catnip inside, so it may come in handy for potential future round-ups.

Homeowner: Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver!

Cat Corraller: All in a day’s work.  Here’s also my bill.  (Hands over a large invoice) I took the liberty of writing this up as we lay in ambush.

Homeowner: Oh, right.  (Takes the paper while still holding the cat and scans the line items) This is quite a bit.

Cat Corraller: It was quite a bit of effort.

Homeowner: (Shakes head decisively) No matter – (To Lil’ Terror, now drooling over the sardine) worth every penny, aren’t you, sweetums?  (Back to Cat Corraller) You take a credit card?

Cat Corraller: I prefer cash.

Neighbor: (Entering through the side door) Whew!  That was certainly an exciting afternoon, but I sure am glad it’s all over now!  (A gray streak goes past Neighbor’s legs just before the door closes.  All three stare at the spot for several moments)

Homeowner: (With now-empty arms, hands the invoice back to Cat Corraller) You may want to add a few lines to this.

Cat Corraller: To be expected - `tis the nature of the business.