(Outside a house on a residential street, Homeowner is chatting with Neighbor while holding the front door ajar)
Neighbor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for “live-and-let-live,” but if that kid’s moped-thing comes roaring down the street at 2:00 in the morning one more time, well – you’re gonna see some serious finger-wagging coming out of me, let me tell ya.
Homeowner: (Nodding quickly) Sure, OK, thanks for the warning, I’ve just gotta go back – (Turns to go inside when a gray streak flies past both sets of human legs) Oooohhhh, shooooooooooot!!! (Lets the door close and starts running after the blur)
Neighbor: Heh, what was that?
Homeowner: Darn cat got out again – I thought Lil’ Terror was safe in the den for the two minutes I was out here! (Claps hands at several shaking bushes)
Neighbor: Yeah, they escape anything, those mini-Houdinis
Homeowner: (Dives behind one of the bushes just as Lil’ Terror flees around the corner of the house; pops head up while spitting out leaves) You’re tellin’ me! (Runs around to the side of the house) Sweetie-pie! Come back here!
Neighbor: (Following the two around the lawn) Whelp, you’ll never be able catch creatures like that by chasing `em - they’re much too fast and wily.
Homeowner: (Dives again, almost getting a whisker; Lil’ Terror zooms under another neighbor’s fence) Well, I don’t know what else to do; silly thing’s gonna keep on running and won’t be able to find the way back home, the dolt!
Neighbor: (Takes out a phone and makes a call) Leave it to me: I know someone perfect for the job....
(Within five minutes, a van pulls up to the front curb; the logo on the side reads “Cat Corraller: Professional Feline Herder.” The uniformed driver emerges carrying a kit, a fishing rod, a carrier, and a butterfly net)
Cat Corraller: (To Neighbor, waiting by the street) You rang?
Neighbor: (As they walk to the side of the house) Yeah: the fur parent’s over there. (Points to Homeowner who is up a tree “Pspspsps”-ing while leaning over the fence)
Cat Corraller: (To Homeowner while opening the kit) The target’s no longer on your property, then?
Homeowner: (Turns suddenly to Cat Corraller) Huh? Oh, yeah, Lil’ Terror’s off in the neighbor’s yard, looking for… something that apparently can’t be found here.
Neighbor: No one’s home to open the gate, either – should we break it down?
Cat Corraller: No need. (Pulls out a package of treats and sets up the butterfly net to receive; gesturing to the treats) These usually do the trick.
Homeowner: Oh right; mine are inside.
Cat Corraller: (Starts shaking the bag of treats loudly) Oh Kitty, what’s this I have in my hands?
Homeowner: (Still up in the tree, peers over the fence again) Yes! Go to the treats, Lil’ Terror, go!
(A gray streak emerges from under the fence and barrels toward Cat Corraller)
Cat Corraller: Got ya, you little – (The gray streak snatches the bag out of Cat Corraller’s hand and zooms around the corner of the house) Ah. We’ve got a slippery devil here.
Homeowner: (Climbs down the tree and joins the other two) What just happened?!
Cat Corraller: (Squints thoughtfully in the direction of the gray streak) That, is one who has transcended the evolutionary ladder and is able to outmaneuver interspecies apex opponents. However – (Opens the kit to retrieve heavy-duty gloves) I do relish a challenge.
(The three humans slowly round the corner of the house and see the cat lying in the middle of the driveway, having ripped open the treat package and devouring the crunchies within)
Cat Corraller: (Whispers to the other two) Right – this is perfect. We can triangulate the wee pain-in-the-patootie. (Points to Homeowner) You: approach from the north. (Points to Neighbor) You: approach from the south. (Points to self) I: approach from the east.
Homeowner: But what if Lil’ Terror goes west?
Cat Corraller: Then you two go west, too! Simple geometry!
(The three creep up on the snacking kitty; Lil’ Terror continues eating until the others are a foot away, then instantaneously abandons the bag to dash through the gap in their formation and disappear in a hedgerow as Homeowner and Neighbor dive and miss)
Cat Corraller: That was ineffective triangulation there, folks.
Homeowner: (Wailing from the ground) We’re trying our best!
Neighbor: Yeah, and by all rights I shouldn’t even have to be doing any of this.
Cat Corraller: No cause to fret: we just need a new plan.
(An hour later, Lil’ Terror strolls back through the hedgerow, sniffs the place in the driveway where the treats are no longer, then strolls onto the empty front yard and stops to nibble on some grass; attention is caught by a twitching cloth sardine that is several feet away. The cat, licking lips, slowly begins stalking the sardine, body low, ears back, and rear end wriggling. When Lil’ Terror leaps to pounce, the sardine is snatched away and reeled in across the law toward the house. The cat runs after the sardine on a fishing wire, which is pulled in through the house’s open front door. Lil’ Terror runs inside, straight into the arms of Homeowner as Neighbor slams the door shut from the outside. In the living room, Cat Corraller finishes reeling in the sardine as Homeowner hugs the cat tightly)
Homeowner: Oh you silly, silly baby! You gave me quite a scare there!
Cat Corraller: (Packing up gear) Aye, they do that to ye. Here. (Hands over the cloth sardine to Homeowner; Lil’ Terror starts gnawing it) On the house. It’s got catnip inside, so it may come in handy for potential future round-ups.
Homeowner: Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver!
Cat Corraller: All in a day’s work. Here’s also my bill. (Hands over a large invoice) I took the liberty of writing this up as we lay in ambush.
Homeowner: Oh, right. (Takes the paper while still holding the cat and scans the line items) This is quite a bit.
Cat Corraller: It was quite a bit of effort.
Homeowner: (Shakes head decisively) No matter – (To Lil’ Terror, now drooling over the sardine) worth every penny, aren’t you, sweetums? (Back to Cat Corraller) You take a credit card?
Cat Corraller: I prefer cash.
Neighbor: (Entering through the side door) Whew! That was certainly an exciting afternoon, but I sure am glad it’s all over now! (A gray streak goes past Neighbor’s legs just before the door closes. All three stare at the spot for several moments)
Homeowner: (With now-empty arms, hands the invoice back to Cat Corraller) You may want to add a few lines to this.
Cat Corraller: To be expected - `tis the nature of the business.
