Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 365: How Time Doth Fly; Or, Now There Is a Story for Every Day of the Year

          (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are sitting on beach chairs in the local park, watching the lake and occasional passers-by as the autumn leaves fall gently around them)

            Friend 1: (Wearing summer clothes and sunglasses) You think the trees missed the memo that there’s no fall season on this planet anymore?

            Friend 2: Probably – I’m just waiting for winter to get completely phased out, but I think that’s got a few more polar vortexes in it before then.

            Friend 1: Huh…. Vortexes or vortices?

            Friend 2: No idea.

            (They sit in companionable silence for a few minutes)

            Friend 1: You know, I think the last real, authentic autumn chill we had – that school’s-starting-summer’s-over-no-more-fun chill – was back when we went to that concert five years ago.

            Friend 2: You mean the Manly Men one?

            Friend 1: Yeppers.

            Friend 2: That was seven years ago.

Friend 1: No it wasn’t, it was… hmmmmm…. (Stares unseeingly into the distance while mentally stretching back across the years)

Friend 2: 2013.

Friend 1: (Shaking head) Nooooo….

Friend 2: (Nodding head) Yesssss….

Friend 1: It wasn’t seven years, that’s the length of a TV series!  I remember it as if it were last year, but I’m being generous and saying five.

Friend 2: (Works on a phone) Then chunks of years must’ve fallen out your ears – look.  (Hands over the phone showing photos from the concert and points at the date) See that?  Time-stamped August 15, 2013.

Friend 1: (Hands back the phone) Lies.

Friend 2: Whatever makes you happy.  (Puts the phone away and settles back in the beach chair to relax)

Friend 1: OK then –

Friend 2: [Sigh] Yes?

Friend 1: How about when you had your appendix taken out?

Friend 2: That’ll be a year in December.

Friend 1: Ha!  Wrong!  I clearly remember it being 90° that day, so it must have been July 2019, which makes it a year and a half in December!

Friend 2: I think I’d know the date when I’ve had one of my internal organs removed.  And it’s been 90° in December for quite some time now.

Friend 1: Oh.  Are you sure North America just hasn’t slid down into the Southern Hemisphere, and no one wants to tell us?

Friend 2: We’d probably have a lot more problems going on if that’d happened.

Friend 1: Gotcha.  (Ponders for a few moments) What about when I was having my job crisis meltdown a while back?  Was that five years ago?

Friend 2: (Thinks for a bit) Yes – it was a little before the latest round of Astral Skirmishes movies had come out.

Friend 1: (Laughs) Oh yeah.  Oh wow, it feels like that whole hullabaloo just started, and now it’s already over and the first movie was released half a decade ago.

Friend 2: Mm-hm.  Before you know it, the 20^th anniversary edition’ll be out and the special effects’ll be upgraded to whatever 3D-V.R.-A.I.-A.R.-whatever is out at that point.

Friend 1: Yeah… oh.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: By the time the 20^th anniversary edition comes out, we’ll be in our 50s.

Friend 2: (Calculates the years) Oh yeah – that’s funny.

Friend 1: That’s darned depressing, is what that is.

Friend 2: Oh come on, we’ve been doing the same stuff for nearly a decade now, you think our lives are really going to be that much different just because we’re middle-aged?  By then, 50’ll probably be the new 10!

            Friend 1: I guess, but at that point I’ll have to start wasting more time in doctors’ offices getting more and more tests, and fighting against my own failing stamina, and yelling at insurance companies for prescriptions I’d rather not have to take but need to or I’ll die, and going to more funerals than weddings, and –

Friend 2: I feel like I’ve lost 10 years just having this conversation.

Friend 1: Fine; we’ll go back to enjoying the unseasonable day, then.  (They watch several ducks paddle by on the lake)  Think we’ll even remember this conversation in 10 years?

Friend 2: Knowing my luck, this will be the last memory I ever forget.

Story 364: Reverse Trick-or-Treating

             (In an office, Coworker 2 is on the phone and typing on a computer)

            Coworker 2: Uh-huh…. Listen, I’m actually in the middle of sending something else out; could you call me back in about 10 minutes and go into more detail then?... You know you’re the most important person in my work life, but this other thing is a little time-sensitive…. Frankly, I’m not so sure I should be the one sending that out since you’re, you know, the manager – (Is cut off by Coworker 1 dropping a heavy bag of candy directly onto Coworker 2’s workspace) Ah!

            Coworker 1: Bad time?

           Coworker 2: No – (To the screaming voice on the phone) Hi, something-just-came-up-gotta-go-bye.  (Hangs up) What’s all this?

            Coworker 1: I had a grand total of one trick-or-treater this year: 195 pieces of candy remain.

            Coworker 2: That stinks – and you can’t even return the bag.

            Coworker 1: No kidding.  So.

            Coworker 2: Soooo…?

            Coworker 1: Take some.

           Coworker 2: (Pats stomach) I would, but I overdid it this year.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to face Thanksgiving.

            Coworker 1: The candy doesn’t expire until next Halloween.

            Coworker 2: Ew.  And I don’t even know if I’ll be able to face next Halloween, either.  (Stares at the bag and turns slightly green) I was really bad.

            Coworker 1: (Grabs the bag and stalks off) Fine – no help whatsoever!

            Coworker 2: (Stares at the ringing phone) Story of my life, apparently.

            (Coworker 1 heads to another area of the office and drops the bag onto Coworker 3’s workspace)

            Coworker 1: Here.  Take some.

            Coworker 3: Ooh, thanks, but I started my diet yesterday.

            Coworker 1: The one you quit by every Thanksgiving?

           Coworker 3: The very same.  Means I get in at least three weeks of good behavior a year.

            Coworker 1: (Picks up the bag and drops it onto Coworker 4’s workspace) Here.  Take some.

            Coworker 4: You know I have diabetes.

            Coworker 1: I thought you still need emergency candy just in case?

            Coworker 4: Yeah, like one piece!

           Coworker 1: (Tilts the bag towards Coworker 4) I don’t mind – every bit helps the cause.

            Coworker 4: (Pushes the bag away) Sorry for my lack of support.

           (Coworker 1 grabs the bag and stalks off to the break room, grabs a large bowl from a cabinet, pours the candy into that, heads to the front of the office, and firmly sets the bowl on the receptionist’s counter)

            Receptionist: Uh, H.R. actually said we can’t have stuff like this out anymore.

            Coworker 1: Since when?!

            Receptionist: Since two years ago.  Trying to keep our health insurance costs down.

           Coworker 1: Ugh, health!  First innocent tobacco, now innocent sugar!  (Grabs the bowl)

            Receptionist: (Reaches out) Wait, can I take one?

            Coworker 1: Please do.  (Begins dumping the bowl’s contents onto the counter)

            Receptionist: Hey-hey-hey!  One piece, not one bowl!  (Starts tossing pieces back into the bowl)

            Coworker 1: (Begins dumping the bowl’s contents onto the counter again) But surely your heart is telling you to take more, and more, and –

Receptionist: (Pushes a panic button) H.R.!  I’m being bombarded with unwanted saccharine advances!

           (Coworker 1 looks up, sees two H.R. guards advancing, grabs the remaining loose candy, and runs away with the bowl)

            (Slowly walking down a residential street while carrying the candy in the bag again, Coworker 1 stops at a random house and rings the doorbell)

           Resident: (Opens the door and smiles) Well, hello there!  And what are we supposed to be dressed up as?

            Coworker 1: The Dregs of Corporate America.  (Holds up the bag) Treat.

           Resident: Why thank you, little office worker!  (Takes a piece of candy) You stay safe out there now, OK?  Bye-bye!  (Closes the door)

            Coworker 1: (Smiles down at the bag) Sweet.  At this rate, I’ll be done by New Year’s.

Story 363: Haunted Attraction Bait-and-Switch, Part 2

 

(Friends 1 and 2 grip the fireplace pokers tighter as the noises of the approaching werewolf grow louder)

Friend 1: (Whispering) By the way, if we accidentally kill the Caretaker in this form, would we be charged with homicide or animal cruelty?

Friend 2: (Whispering louder) Would you just shut up for once?!

Friend 1: Fine – but I’ll be asking you about this later.

(They clench their teeth and fists as the heavy tread and steady growls come closer, closer, closer – then farther, farther, farther)

Friend 1: Is that it then?

Friend 2: Ssh!

(The tread and growls stop down the hall; they hear a soft knock followed by a “Who is it?”  After a few moments of silence, they hear a door open and Guests 1 and 2 gasp and scream “How stupid of us!”  They then hear growls, screams, running footsteps, and crashing furniture.  They continue to hold their fireplace pokers aloft, twitching and glancing at each other)

Friend 1: …Should we try to get some sleep again?

Friend 2: That’s it!  (Starts moving aside the furniture blocking the door)

Friend 1: Soooo, new plan?

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s called “Getting Out of the Death Trap,” which is what we should’ve done hours ago!

Friend 1: But we’re still locked in.

Friend 2: (Points to the open window) Not everywhere!  C’mon, help me out!

(Friend 1 helps Friend 2 move a bureau, and the latter then unlocks the door.  They tilt their heads towards the door and hear the sounds of struggle continue down the hall)

Friend 1: Is someone in there giggling?

Friend 2: I’d hate to find out.

(They open the door, leap out, and pause facing the direction of Guests 1 and 2’s door)

Friend 2: I dunno, maybe we should try to help –

Friend 1: By all means!  (Shoves Friend 2 in that direction and turns to run in the opposite just as Guest 3 opens a door)

Guest 3: (Beckoning frantically with both arms) Quick, get in here!

Friend 2: (Points with the fireplace poker down the hall) What about those two?

Guest 3: It’s too late for them, but we can still save us!

Friend 1: I like the sound of that.  (Strolls into Guest 3’s room; Friend 2 follows reluctantly; Guest 3 locks the door behind them and moves the bed to block it)

Guest 3: Now – (Grabs a map of the castle that was on a lamp table) I’ve been studying this thing all night and figured out that if we can get down to at least the second story of this place, we can jump to the ground safely from there if a window’s open like this one is.  (Gestures to the open window, which has knotted sheets dangling out of it)

Friend 1: Aw, why didn’t we think of that?!

Friend 2: Because we’re not mountain climbers!  And I doubt the sheets go down far enough to that floor!

Guest 3: They don’t, but they at least reach a balcony we can use to break into a room and go downstairs from there – hopefully our host’ll still be busy with our poor fellow guests to know we’re down there before we jump to freedom.

Friend 2: So why didn’t we just run downstairs while we were out in the hall?!

Guest 3: We would’ve had to run past their room; trust me, climbing down the building and then dropping 20 feet is much safer, now let’s go!

(Guest 3 leads the way, climbing over the windowsill and down the sheets to the balcony below while Friends 1 and 2 watch)

Guest 3: (Drops onto the balcony and looks up) What are you waiting for?!

Friend 1: Just making sure you made it without breaking your neck before I risked mine.  (Turns with Friend 2 towards the door as louder growls are heard, then quickly sticks the fireplace poker under an arm, climbs over the windowsill, and shimmies down the sheets to drop onto the balcony.  Friend 2 begins climbing down the sheets as Guest 3 opens the balcony door, runs to open the room door, and peers up and down the hallway)

Friend 2: (Dropping onto the balcony and grabs shoulder) Ow!  I think I pulled a muscle.

Friend 1: I’m just amazed we made it at all – I haven’t done anything this athletic since senior year in high school and that was decades ago.

Guest 3: (Waves at them, whispering) All clear, let’s go!

(They huddle together as they double-time it towards the nearest down staircase, each floorboard and step creaking loudly all the way)

Friend 1: Great, all our friend has to do is shut their yap for two seconds and they’ll know exactly where we are.

Guest 3: No choice – keep moving!

(They continue running down creepy hallways and pounding down stairs, with Guest 3 occasionally checking the map to see how many flights they have left)

Guest 3: One more!

(They freeze as a loud howl is heard above them)

Friend 2: You think they heard us?

Guest 3: Too late now!

(They run again and approach the last staircase as a figure suddenly appears in their path)

Ghost: Oh hello, I was wondering if you could help me with this: I heard there were vacancies for the haunting positions here – do you know if they’re still interviewing applicants for those?

Friend 1: Buzz off, pal, we’ve got not time for your employment issues!  (All three run through Ghost and down the stairs)

Ghost: (Sighs) They’d told me it’s rough out there.  (Drifts off)

(Guest 3 leads the other two to a room similar to the last one they left; they open the balcony door and peer over the edge of the railing)

Friend 1: (To Guest 3) You’re right!  Totally doable!  (Hops onto the railing and jumps off)

Friend 2: Wait!  Oh too late – you OK?

Friend 1: (Stands and brushes off gravel) Yeah: if I’d thought about it, I’d’ve broken something.

Guest 3: (Pocketing the map) Good enough for me!  (Hops onto the railing and jumps off)

Friend 1: (Pats Guest 3 on the shoulder after the latter gets up off the ground) Well done!

Guest 3: Thanks – (Mutters to Friend 1) 20 feet is definitely a lot higher than I thought, though.

Friend 1: (Mutters to Guest 3) You’re not kidding – (Shouts up to Friend 2) it’s OK, you’ll hardly feel it!

Friend 2: (Nods nervously) OK.  (Hops onto the railing and jumps off, tipping over to the side on landing)

Friend 1: Oopsie.  (Helps up Friend 2) You all right?

Friend 2: (Shaking) Yes I am, liar.

Friend 1: I’m not apologizing for effective results.

Guest 3: Fine-fine-fine, let’s get to the cars!

(They run to the parking lot at the front of the castle and head for the cars, then stand there staring at them)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Did you bring the keys?

Friend 1: Why would I; it’s your car!

Guest 3: You didn’t bring your keys?!

Friend 1: You didn’t bring yours?!

Guest 3: Hey, I had the plan and the map, what more do you want from me?!

(They simultaneously look up the castle looming above them)

Friend 1: Think one of us can run back in there and grab them?

Friend 2: That sounds like a volunteer talking.

(A loud howl reverberates through the walls)

Friend 1: (Grabs the roof of Friend 2’s car and rocks it) Oooooh, useless!

Guest 3: No worries, we’ll just call the cops!  (They all look expectantly at each other) Either of you have your phone?

Friend 1: On the lamp table.

Friend 2: In my bag.

Guest 3: In my other pants.

Friend 1: OK!  New plan: we run to the main road, follow it back to the closest town, and flag down the first motorist we see; if they’re a serial killer or an everyday pervert the three of us can take `em on, right?

Guest 3: Oh yeah we can!

Friend 2: OR, better idea: we go to the fast food restaurant that’s RIGHT HERE and use their phone!  (Points to the fast food restaurant next to the castle)

Friend 1: But my adrenaline’s all geared up for the other thing.

(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 by the shirt as they and Guest 3 run into the fast food restaurant, which is devoid of customers; the lone Employee is half-asleep on an elbow at the cash register)

Employee: (Startled awake) `Lo – (Clears throat) welcome to Haunted Food Emporium [Trademarked] where the shakes are to scream for and all the food is dead, what can I get you this eve – early morning?

(The three rush the counter)

Friend 2: (Smiling semi-calmly) Hi, can we please use your phone?

Employee: Can’t use the phone until you buy something.

Guest 3: But it’s an emergency!

Employee: Sorry, don’t make the rules.

Friend 1: Listen kid –

Employee: My acne’s maintained by the fryer; I’m actually 31 years old.

Friend 1: Could you dial 9-1-1 and tell the cops we’re being attacked by a – a –

Guest 3: Homicidal maniac!

Friend 2: Rabid animal!

Friend 1: Homicidal maniac, please?

Employee: Wait, aren’t you all staying at the castle next door?

Friend 1: Clearly!

Employee: Yeah, it’s just the new werewolf attraction they’ve got going on there; no biggie.

(The three blink at Employee)

Friend 1: No… biggie?!

Employee: Yeah, it started about a year ago and the guests seem to love it – the few who actually come over here, that is.  You know, the franchise owners thought they’d make a killing – `scuse the expression – setting up shop right next to a haunted tourist stop, but if food’s included in the stay then who’s gonna trek all the way down 50 flights of stairs to come here?  That’s right, no one!  The guests who do come in are either on their way home or can’t go two days without fried meat, but whatever: if those guys keep paying me to stand here for hours, I’ll keep doing it; not my money.

Friend 2: So, wait, the werewolf’s attacked people before?

Employee: I wouldn’t say “attacked,” per se; from what I’ve heard, there’s lots of howlin’ and growlin’ and screamin’ and runnin’ and that’s about it – everybody goes home satisfied.

Friend 1: …For real?!

(There suddenly is a loud howl at the entrance to the restaurant; they all look to the front and see the werewolf standing menacingly in the doorway, claws and fangs out.  Friends 1 and 2 raise their fireplace pokers, Guest 3 raises two fists, and all three scream)

Employee: HEY!  (They all stop) I told you already: you’re not registered as a service animal, you can’t come in here!  (The werewolf slumps down and shuffles off; to the other three) Don’t misunderstand: when the Caretaker’s in human form I set `em up with a salad and shake about once a week here, but as that – (Waves a hand at the empty doorway) Department of Health’d shut us down in two seconds if I let `em in.  Plus it’s bad enough I have to clean up human hair; I’d rather not have wolf hair on top of that, I-thank-you.

(The other three stare at each other)

Friend 1: So we did all that running and climbing and jumping for nothing?!

Guest 3: You have to admit, the non-danger of the experience wasn’t clearly explained.

Friend 2: So now what, do we just… go back inside?

Friend 1: I guess – no wait, door’s still locked, forgot.

(Friend 2 sighs dramatically and tosses the fireplace poker to the floor)

Employee: Sounds like you all are having a great time tonight – would you like a cheeseburger and shake to celebrate?

Guest 3: Sure!  (To Friends 1 and 2) Either of you have your wallet?

(Friend 1 shakes the fireplace poker at the ceiling as Caretaker enters the restaurant with bedraggled Guests 1 and 2)

Caretaker: Hello there; you three doing all right?  You scuffed the furniture to block the doors and knotted a bunch of fine sheets and left balcony windows open to the bats; that’s being added to your bills.

Guest 1: Yeah, did you guys get the werewolf attack at all?  It was great!

Guest 2: Really spices up the relationship.

Friend 1: (Grinds teeth) No, we missed it.

Friend 2: We decided to flee for our lives instead.

Caretaker: Oh, that’s too bad.  Well, don’t you fret; there’s still one more night in your stay for me to get you all riled up.

Friend 2: I think one night was more than enough, thank –

Friend 1: That’s right, we’ve got a whole `nother night here to do this all over again, I can’t wait!

 THE END