Story 624: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 1

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Umm… the troposphere?”

“Ha-ha, my sides are splitting.  I just can’t take the futility of it all, you know?”

“No.”

“You know!  The whole ‘gotta clean off the car and shovel out the driveway’ five billion times, and then once more after the storm finally stops a month later.  And, again when the plows trap us in.  Again.”

“Well, it can’t be helped, and at least you’re physically able to do it.  And have a car and a driveway that need snow removed from them.”

“I know, but I don’t wanna!”

“Almost sorry to say that you have no choice: you’ll still be expected at work the next day, and unless you want to get up at 3 in the morning, you have to clear out everything by tonight and hope the snow doesn’t start up again while you’re asleep.  And I’m not coming over to help – I’ve got my own digging out to do.”

“Exactly!  We’re all trapped in this endless cycle of snow removal!  And what galls me is that it’s absolutely pointless!  We almost destroy ourselves removing the same frozen water over and over again, when if we’d just waited patiently, the Sun would do all the work for us – ohhhhh....”

“‘Ohhhhh,’ what?”

“I just came up with a genius plan.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“Want to hear it?”

“Not particularly – bye.”

“…Absolute genius!” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, Boss – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> just letting you know I’m calling out sick today < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Really.”

“Oh yeah – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> I got this cough – <Cough – Potato-chip-chew – Cough-Cough-Cough> and a runny nose, and body aches, and I’m whipping up a fever as we speak.”

“You got a doctor’s note?”

“…We need those?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Always.”

“Oh.  Well, I really am sick < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Mm-hm: with what?”

“Sick of cleaning off my car and driveway over and over when it’s all gonna melt in two days!”

“That’s two days’ pay since the rest of us all manage to get into work without you.”

“Just put me down for Unexpected Paid Time Off or something – ”

“Oh, that you know about?”

“ – in the meantime, I refuse to participate in the perpetual snow removal conspiracy orchestrated by the shovel-scraper-snow-blower league a second longer!”

“Mm-hm: I’m writing you up for this.”

“Buuuuut I can still have the time off, yes? < Potato-chip-chewing noises>”

“Sure, you can have as much time off as you need, waiting for each and every one of those ice crystals to evaporate, until the entire mass is completely vanished from your car and driveway, no rush!”

“Wow, I had no idea you’d be so understanding about all this!... Hello?” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, how did your snow-removal-by-sunlight experiment go?”

“Exactly as predicted: I’m currently relaxing on the couch, not a care in the world, accepting Nature’s processes and no longer fighting against her forces, allowing my car and driveway to gradually emerge from their frozen blankets millimeter-by-millimeter without me having to move a muscle, and it feel wonderful.”

“Great.  Still have a job?”

“Oh no: they fired me on Day 2 of this.”

“Naturally.”

“BUT, they’re so desperate for help that I should get the call any moment now reluctantly taking me back, with a stern finger-wagging and a grim lecture on how I’d better not do anything like this ever again or that’ll really be it.”

“I believe it.  So, how are the car and driveway doing with the evaporation technique, considering we had snow taller than most people this time around?”

“Oh, let’s see out the window… yes, they should be all clear at some point.”

“About when?”

“…June.”

Story 592: Filling Up the Car With Rocket Fuel

            (On a highway, Friend 1 is driving slightly over the speed limit while singing along with the radio)

Friend 1: <GREEEEEEEEEEEEN – SLEEEEEEEEEEVES!/ WHOA, BABY –!>  (Hears a DING! and briefly looks down at the dashboard) Oh shoot, I’m outta gas.  (While keeping an eye on the road and a hand on the steering wheel, leans over to grab a cell phone, selects a contact, puts it on speaker, and leaves it on the passenger seat as it dials and rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while standing in a hallway outside a conference room) Hey, I’m about to go into a meeting – everything OK?

Friend 1: Yeah-yeah, sure-sure: you know of any good gas stations on Route – in ------?

Friend 2: …Are you driving right now?!

Friend 1: Yes, smother, but you’re on speaker so my attention is completely on the road.

Friend 2: Not the way you drive.

Friend 1: Hardy-har-har; so, gas stations?

Friend 2: You should be surrounded by them on that road.

Friend 1: I am, but I’m looking for a good one; you know what I mean.

Friend 2: They’re all basically the same, just different additives mixed in.  Don’t go to one in --------, though: they overcharge the rich folks there, but I’m shocked they even bother – why would anyone go to one of those when you can go not even five minutes away and pay $1 less a gallon?

Friend 1: Why does anyone do anything?  That’s another thing: I refuse to spend $3 a gallon when I know I’ve seen it for less but can’t remember where.

Friend 2: I don’t know; it’s been a while from the last time I filled up the car since I take the bus to work, so I couldn’t tell you what stations have the best prices now.  Use one of those “Find a Gas Station” apps; that’s what modern technology’s for.

Friend 1: Heh, you’re lucky I can use my phone as a phone.

Friend 2: Right, never mind.  Then just go to the station you went to last time and fill up again there.

Friend 1: Ooh, good idea, but that’s about 10 miles in the opposite direction and I have... (Briefly squints at the dashboard) negative two gallons in the tank.

Friend 2: Of course you do.  At this point, I’d say pull into the first station you see and if you’re not willing to fill it up then get at least five gallons in there before your car shuts down in the middle of the highway.

Friend 1: Oh fine, I’ll spend the $10 a gallon to get some life back into the old beast before it OH-WAIT-THERE-IT-IS-NEVER-MIND-HERE-WE-GO!  (Swerves the car to the right, cutting across two lanes to the sounds of screeching tires and blaring horns, then puts on a turn signal) Success!

Friend 2: Whoa, wait, are you OK?!  Did you get in an accident?!

Friend 1: (Turning into a small gas station with banners displayed all around) HA!  I don’t get into accidents!  Accidents get into me!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I just found a no-name station that must’ve opened today because I’ve never seen it on this stretch of road before, and gas here is a dollar a gallon.  A DOLLAR!!!  Can you believe it?!

Friend 2: No.

Friend 1: Exactly!  I must’ve somehow entered a time warp back to the 90s!  This is amazing – I almost want to cry!

Friend 2: Well don’t: it’s probably a mistake on the sign, or the place’ll upsell you on a car wash or something else; I think you should get out of there now.

Friend 1: I can’t!

Friend 2: I don’t care how good the deal seems, you really –

Friend 1: No, I mean, I literally can’t: I shut off the car and the rest of the gas vapors in the tank’ll be used up if I start it again now.

Friend 2: All right.  Good luck.  Call me later if that $1 a gallon turns out to be $100.

Friend 1: You know I’d never admit to that.  (Sees Attendant walking toward the car) It’s my turn – so excited, bye!  (Ends the call, tossing the phone onto the passenger seat and popping open the tank)

Friend 2: (Sighs, shaking head while pocketing the phone, then turns around to see Coworker standing nearby) Oh, sorry, that took way too long; I’ll be right in.

Coworker: No problem, it’s just….

Friend 2: What?

Coworker: Is there really a gas station that’s $1 a gallon?!

Friend 2: Only in my friend’s imagination, I’m guessing.

Coworker: Oh.  For a second there, I thought we were back in the 90s.

Friend 2: Many people wish they were.

(At the gas station)

Attendant: (Carrying a clipboard and pen, approaches Friend 1’s driver side window as it rolls down) Hi, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: Hello, yes, could you fill it up ALL THE WAY, please?  And cash.  Not, fill it up with cash, although I wish, don’t you, heh-heh-heh?

Attendant: We all do – sign here, please.  (Hands over the clipboard and pen)

Friend 1: Ohhhhh-kaaaaay…. (Starts reading the attached forms) What’s all this about?

Attendant: Well, we just opened yesterday, and by law every customer needs to sign a consent that you agree to your vehicle being infused with our fuel and to indemnify and hold harmless the company, the franchise owners, and the employees – (Places hand briefly on self) that’s me – on the off-chance anything should go, you know, awry.

Friend 1 (Signs the forms and hands back the clipboard and pen) Sure, OK, fine, sounds like a whole bunch of rigmarole for gas; what is it, jet fuel or something?

Attendant: (Nods) Rocket, actually.

Friend 1: …What?

Attendant: It’s an experiment we’re running – theoretically, it should increase the car’s fuel efficiency by 100%, but there is the slight possibility of liftoff, which is why we’re only charging $1 a gallon.

Friend 1: …What?!

Attendant: (While placing a gargantuan pump nozzle into the car’s tank) I know, it really should be free since the customers are being volunteer test subjects, but we have to cover the overhead somehow.  The economy, it’s always the economy!  (Starts whistling while watching the meter increase)

Friend 1: (Unbuckles the seat belt and rushes out of the car) Wait-wait, stop everything!  (Attendant releases the nozzle’s trigger and looks at Friend 1 expectantly) I did not sign up to have rocket fuel injected into my car!

Attendant: You literally just did.  (Waves the clipboard as evidence)

Friend 1: Yeah, but, I didn’t really read it!

Attendant: Clearly.

Friend 1: And this is false advertising!  You’re passing yourselves off as selling regular old gasoline when it’s a blatant lie!

Attendant: Is not!  Says so exactly on the signs!  (Points to the gas station signs and banners that read “To-the-Moon Rocket Fuel”)

Friend 1: Yeah, well, we all just assume that’s hyperbole!

Attendant: Not if they actually read what they’re signing.

Friend 1: Well – then – I want to return my purchase!

Attendant: Sure.  (Reaches around the pump to pick up a siphon hose and holds it out to Friend 1) Go ahead and take the fuel out of the car.  Please make certain you get every drop back into the pump, though: this stuff’s tremendously valuable.

Friend 1: (Staring in disgust at the siphon) That’s not my job!

Attendant: Not mine either: our liability coverage is only for putting fuel into the tanks, not sucking it back out again.  If that’s what you want though, then by all means: have at it.

Friend 1: Ew, gross!

Attendant: Precisely.

Friend 1: Fine, you win!  I’ll be part of you nerds’ kooky experiment!  But if I burn up on re-entry, you can bet I’ll be aiming my debris directly at you!

Attendant: Fair enough.  (Tosses the siphon back into a bucket and resumes pumping fuel into the car and whistling)

Friend 1: (Fuming, returns to the driver seat and slams the door, then grips the steering wheel in anxiety) Should I start praying?

Attendant: (Returns the nozzle to the pump and walks back over to Friend 1’s window) OK, that’ll be $11.98.

Friend 1: (Grumbling while taking money out of a wallet) Can’t even enjoy the cheapest gas I’ve gotten in decades – I’m gonna die in orbit around Mars – never liked space to begin with – (Plops the bills onto Attendant’s open hand) here: keep the two cents!

Attendant: Good, `cause we don’t have any change.

Friend 1: At last: some sense of normalcy here.  (Buckles up, grimaces, and starts the engine) OK – nothing’s on fire, always a good sign.

Attendant: (Putting on goggles and safety earmuffs) Yes, but you may want to brace yourself when hitting the accelerator.  (Dives behind the gas station’s main building)

Friend 1: (Turning back slightly toward where the Attendant was a moment ago, while hitting the accelerator) Huh? (The car accelerates to near-light speed onto the highway) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Friend 1 barely is able to steer around other vehicles on the road and runs red lights while just missing the opposing traffic; others stop in bewilderment at the flash rushing by and the sonic boom resounding soon afterward)

Attendant: (Emerges from behind the building, smiling at the contrails left behind) Splendid: another success for the books.

(Twenty miles away, Friend 1 is finally able to brake sharply on a beach)

Friend 1: (Hyperventilating while grasping the steering wheel, stares out at the ocean waves for a few minutes to calm down, then pats the wheel reassuringly) You all right there, Betsy?  (The car immediately shuts off)  I don’t blame you.  (Shakily picks up the cell phone that wound up on the floor of the back seat and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: (Answering the phone while leaving the conference room) Great timing: meeting was painful but quick.  So, did you wind up having to pay hidden fees or get stuck with liquid mud instead of gas or something like that?

Friend 1: No, but I did almost get launched into space.

Friend 2: Ha-ha, got a kick to it, huh?

Friend 1: You could say that.  I’m at ----- ---- Beach right now.

Friend 2: Really?  That’s about a half-hour drive from where you were, and you called me less than 10 minutes ago.

Friend 1: Uh-huh.

Friend 2: So how’d you get there so fast?

Friend 1: They gave me rocket fuel.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll bet.

Friend 1: …I’m serious.

Friend 2: (Laughs, then stops) Wait, no, they can’t do that.  Can they?

Friend 1: They did.  I almost had the first actual flying car in history just now.

Friend 2: Wow.  That sounds… extremely dangerous.

Friend 1: It was.  I somehow avoided about 200 accidents on the way here, and I think only because I was going so fast that I travelled through everyone else.  (Turns around to look out the rear window on hearing noise outside, then turns back) I seem to have run through some sand dunes on my landing, so the park rangers want to have a word with me now.  I hope they’ll accept my unintentional warp speed as an excuse.

Friend 2: Probably not, but good luck.

Friend 1: Thanks.

Friend 2: You gonna be all right getting home in that thing?

Friend 1: I think so; almost got the hang of it.

Friend 2: Great, `cause I want you to be safe –

Friend 1: Appreciate it.

Friend 2: And I want you to pick me up from work so I can get home at a decent time for once.

Friend 1: ….

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: …Yeah, sure; got nothing better to do.

Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.