Story 441: Can You Hear Me?!

 (Customer is at home, calling a company on a cell phone)

Automated Menu: Hello, thank you for calling -------------.  To confirm, is your address --- ------- -----?

Customer: Yes.

Automated Menu: …I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

Customer: Advanced to idioms now, eh?

Automated Menu: Please repeat.

Customer: Yes!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.

Customer: Ugh, let’s.

Automated Menu: Please say “Yes,” or press 1; please say – (Customer presses 1) …. Thank you.  One moment, please.  (Takes several moments)  To better serve you, please state the reason you are calling –

Customer: Representative!  Human representative!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.  Please say “Hours of operation,” or press 1 –

Customer: REPRESENTATIVE!!!

Automated Menu: …One moment please, while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative.

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you, Robot.

Automated Menu: You’re welcome.

Customer: Huh?

(Hold music plays for a minute)

Customer Service Representative: Hello, my name is --------, may I have your first and last name, please?

Customer: You didn’t give me your last name.

Customer Service Representative: That’s for our protection, and we ask yours to prevent confusion and fraud.

Customer: Oh, OK; it’s ------ --------.

Customer Service Representative: Thank you – and how may I assist you today?

Customer: Yes, I have a – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] on my – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE] bill, and – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] –

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the phone keeps cutting out, could you repeat that, please?

Customer: Ohhh-kaaaay…. (Moves outdoors to a patio) How’s this?

Customer Service Representative: Better, thank you.

Customer: OK, so – [BZZZZ-BZZZZ-BZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the interference actually seems to have gotten worse – can you try calling back on a landline, please?

Customer: No one has landlines anymore!  Besides – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZ] it’s your phone!

Customer Service Representative: My phone is a landline and it’s been fielding calls all day with no issues.

Customer: Ughhhhhh – [BZZZZ] Hold on – [CRACKLE] (Climbs a nearby tree to the highest bough) There – how’s that?

Customer Service Representative: Much better – for now.

Customer: Sooooo, I’m calling today because my monthly bill came in and it’s [CRACKLE-BZZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly sighs) I’m sorry, the phone is cutting out again; please call back when you have a better signal.  (Moves to disconnect the call)

Customer: NO!  I – [BZZZZ] all day before I could call – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE-CRACKLE] don’t it’ll be too late – [BZZZZ-BZZZ] don’t pay us overtime!

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, but I do have to end this call now if only to preserve my hearing.

Customer: (Spots something in the sky) Wait!  Just give me two minutes!  (Sticks the phone in a pants pocket, climbs to the tip-top of the tree, reaches up, and grabs a rope hanging down from a passing hot air balloon)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the tilting basket) Hey!  No passengers!

Customer: I just need to finish this call with Customer Service!

Balloonist:  (Nods) Carry on.  (Returns to steering the balloon)

Customer: (Holding onto the rope with one hand, takes out the phone with the other, and yells over the prevailing wind) Can you hear me better now?!

Customer Service Representative: Yes, but there’s also a lot of background noise.

Customer: Ignore it!  Now, about my bill – (A bird flies in Customer’s face) Ahhhh!!!!

Customer Service Representative: Are you all right?!

Customer: (Spitting out feathers) Yes, thank you!  No bird will take this phone away from me!

Customer Service Representative: What?!

Customer: So!  My bill – [BZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Sighs louder) It’s happening again.

Customer: Huh?  (Looks up and sees dark clouds full of flashing lightning are passing overhead)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the basket again) I have to take it down now, sorry!

Customer: No, wait, I can’t go any lower, I’ll lose the call – (Spots a nearby jet plane taking off and points at it) Yes!  Take us closer!

Balloonist: Ah, no.

Customer: Fine!  (Sticks the phone between teeth, grabs the rope with both hands, swings widely, lets go, and flies through the air to land on top of the jet)

Balloonist: (Shakes head while landing the balloon) Nutjob.

Customer: (Holding onto the accelerating and ascending jet, maneuvers the phone to hold it against the plane with both hands, and puts it on speaker) CAN – YOU – HEAR – MEEEEEE????!!!!!

Customer Service Representative: (Lowers headset volume and places it on the desk) Yes, shockingly enough.

Customer: GREAT!  I – HAVE – A – QUESTION – ABOUT – MY – BILL –

Customer Service Representative: Yes, we’ve established that.

Customer: IT – WENT – UP – THIS – MONTH – BUT – I – STILL – SHOULD – HAVE – A – DISCOUNT – UNTIL – THE – END – OF – THE – YEAR!

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing rapidly) Right, let’s see what’s going on with the account then…. Ah, it looks like there’s a new promotion instead that’ll carry over into next year, so with your permission I’ll add that to your account now and refund you the difference for this month’s bill, OK?

Customer: [BZZZZZ-CRACKLE]

Customer Service Representative: Hello?

Customer: [BZZZ] – ELLO?!

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly) I think it’s happening again.  Just as we were making progress.

Customer: (Squints up against the slipstream and sees Aurora Borealis flaring overhead) SHOOT!  I – NEED – TO – GET – HIGHER!!!

Customer Service Representative: “Higher?”  Where on Earth are you right now?!

Customer: NOT – ON – IT!

Customer Service Representative: Eh?

Customer: HOLD – ON – PLEASE! 

Customer Service Representative: Heh, that’s my line.

Customer: (Puts the phone back between teeth, slowly stands on the now-level jet, swings arms, and leaps in a wide arc to land on the side of a space shuttle lifting off.  After slipping inside the payload bay doors to put on a spacesuit before leaving Earth’s atmosphere, the phone now floats inside the helmet) Can you hear me all right now?

Customer Service Representative: (Puts on the headset again) Crystal clear, although… is that forced oxygen I’m hearing in the background?

Customer: Never mind that – about my bill?

Customer Service Representative: Ah yes – (Begins typing again) As I was saying, with your permission I’ll add a new promotion for the next 12 months and refund you the difference on your next bill, so your new monthly total will be $--.--.  Do I have your permission to proceed with this?

Customer: You do indeed.

Customer Service Representative: (Finishes typing with a flourish) And… done!  You’re all set!

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you so much!  I really appreciate it.

Customer Service Representative: My pleasure!  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: Yes, as a matter of fact… (Now seated on an astronaut maneuvering unit, opens the payload bay doors again and launches self toward Earth) Would you be able to lock onto my cell phone signal at 7,000 miles above sea level and navigate me back to my home address, please?

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing again) Surprisingly, yes.

Story 440: Feel the Burn: Behind the Scenes

 (At a gym after an intense exercise class)

Host: (Sweating with everyone else) Whoo!  We all did great today, I’m so proud of us, see you next time!

(The attendees stagger out the door as Partner enters)

Partner: (To Host) Hey, you done for the day?

Host: (Toweling off) Almost: got a dance cardio workout starting in 15 minutes, so that’ll be my cool-down for the end of the day.  Wanna go for a five-mile run afterward?

Partner: No thanks: I climbed three flights of stairs in my office building earlier, so I’m all set for the day.

Host: (Chuckles sinisterly) Don’t worry, you’ll join us one of these days.

Partner: You know, I’ve been thinking: why don’t you film some of these routines and put `em online?  You’d probably get a lot of followers and make a nice bit of change with all the views and the ads and the sponsors and the what-nots, assuming they’re not all robots.

Host: (Thinks on that while drinking a full bottle of water, then shakes head) Nah; that actually came up way back in orientation and we were told we’re not allowed to film what we do here; I think it’s viewed as “double-dipping” and a “privacy nightmare,” and they’d be a bit irritated I’m using their facilities to take away their own customers.

Partner: Fair enough – you can film them at home, then.

Host: Ew, have everyone see our apartment, gross!

Partner: Our apartment’s not that gross.

Host: Of course it isn’t; I meant the entire digital world seeing it would be gross.

Partner: Oh – we can just clear out some space for you to film, then; no big deal.

Host: Where, your half of the closet?

Partner: No, silly, in the living room!  We can move the TV over to the other side and you can set up an area by the back wall; I probably just need to relocate the faux Mona Lisa hanging up there right now.

Host: (Thinks some more on that, then nods) Uh-huh, OK, I still have the filming equipment from when my video game live streams failed to take off….

Partner: Oh yes, that.

Host: You think people’d want to see my workouts, though?  I mean, there’re already a bajillion videos to pick from – I think I’m too late to the game and the market’s saturated.

Partner: Possibly, but people here like your classes a lot; yours are uniquely… intense.

Host: (As new class members arrive) That they are: only the exceptionally strong survive in these four walls.  The rest I kick out, and they still love me for it.

Partner: (Backing out the door while the class members set themselves up with their mats) We’ll talk more later – just think about it while you’re… (Waves arms around the room) whatever it is you’re about to do here.

Host: Feel free to sign up!

Partner: You’re funny.  (Runs away)

Host: (Turns on music and faces the class) Hey-hey-hey, everybody!  Ready to dance the night away?!

Class: Yeah!

Host: Well we only have 45 minutes, so this’ll have to do – and kick!  And kick!  And spin!  And split!  And leap! And pirouette!  And high kick!  And spin the other way!  And rond de jambe!  And pas de bourrée!  And higher kick!  And – you!  (Points to a class member in the back, then thumbs to the door) Out!

Class Member: (Head bowed, grabs mat and trots out the door) Yes, Teacher; sorry, Teacher.

Host: (To the rest of the class) Now dip yourselves!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(In Host and Partner’s living room, half of which has been converted into a film studio)

Host: (Clipping on a small microphone) You realize we can’t have guests over here anymore, right?

Partner: (Adjusting lights and setting up the camera) No worries: I’ve gotten to be a pro at taking down and reassembling all this stuff.

Host: If you say so.  (Reviews notes and lightly bounces on feet) You know, I’m never nervous teaching classes at work, but for some reason right now this is low-key freaking me out.

Partner: Makes sense – this is something the whole world will see; I’d be a wreck if I were you.

Host: Thanks.

Partner: (Walks over to adjust Host’s microphone) The beauty of this is that it’s not live – we can stop whenever you want and fix it in post.

Host: “Post”?

Partner: Post-production.  We can edit out any mistakes later.

Host: Oh.  Well, I don’t want to stop – we’re all supposed to be doing this together, at the same time.  If I keep stopping mid-routine and expect them to keep going, it’ll be inauthentic.

Partner: Whatever you want – just know that we can always start over again from the top if something gets messed up.

Host: There is no “starting over” in my workout classes!  We own our mistakes and commit through to the end, whatever that may be!

Partner: Fine, then consider this take as dress rehearsal, happy?!

Host: Yes.  Proceed.  (Starts generic upbeat music)

Partner: Oh yeah, we’re also gonna have to make sure whatever music you use is public domain or else we’re gonna get sent a takedown notice for the video.

Host: I guess that’s reasonable, yet I feel unreasonably irritated at the possible extra work.  Anything else I should be aware of as I enter the online jungle?

Partner: No, I think that’s it for now – I’ll monitor your comments section and get rid of the trolls and any flame wars.

Host: My hero.  (Takes place in the center of the cleared space as Partner starts the camera, signaling Host to begin)

Host: (Voice cracks) Hey – ahem, cough – Hey-hey-hey!  My name is –

Partner: Your name’ll be on the channel; no one needs to hear it.

Host: Oh.  I had a whole intro and everything.

Partner: Just type it up for the channel description and get to the meat!

Host: Yes, boss. 

Partner: [Grinds teeth]

Host: (Clears throat) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  This video is a basic cardio workout for all you beginners out there – if this doesn’t scare you away, then stick around for the advance class coming up at undetermined date!

Partner: Edit that last part out.

Host: I want them to know there’ll be an advance class coming up at an undetermined date.

Partner: They’ll either sign up for your alerts or never come back anyway; I’m going to revise your script later, just – keep going!

Host: Rude.  (To the camera) Now, let’s warm up first! (Warms up for five minutes) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!  Now, onto the main workout – first up, lunge-to-push-up-to-lunge!  (Lunges, drops to deep push-ups, jumps back up to a lunge, and continues)

Partner: You sure this is beginner?

Host: It is in my class!  (On a lunge, knocks over a light) Shoot!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light) I’ve got it – keep going!

Host: But –

Partner: I SAID “KEEP GOING”!!

Host: Sheesh. (Smiles at the camera) Time to work on those abs!  (Lies down on a mat and does twisting crunches while kicking out the opposite leg) Faster, faster, mwahahaha!

Partner: (Back behind the camera) Easy there; you’ll scare off potential viewers.

Host: There’s no room on this channel for cowards!

Partner: You might want to ease them into that fact, though.

Host: (Sighs) Fine, I’ll hold myself back a bit for this session.  (To the camera) You get one freebie, Internet World, you hear me?!

Partner: No, they don’t.

Host: Right.  (Jumps up) Now, onto high kicks!  (Kicks high up and knocks over the light again) Unbelievable!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light, then runs back to the camera) At least I know the blocking for this area now.

Host: (Still high-kicking) And we’ve only just begun!  (Does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle)

Partner: Whoa, maybe save that move for one of your advance classes.

Host: (Still cycling) Why?  It’s beginner – advance is doing this while using your teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight, but I’ll have to wait for the sponsor big bucks before I can show off that one.

Partner: …Please do.

Host: Ooh, I also should bring out the chains and the monster truck tire –

Partner: No!  This one’s beginner!  No equipment!

Host: Who said “No equipment”?

Partner: I do!  You want to ease everyone in first so they come back for increasing punishment!

Host: But what about the rowboat?  (Points to the rowboat in the corner)

Partner: Nothing!

Host: I feel so confined – I do need the chair here next, though; how about that?

Partner: Yes, fine, that’s more of an accessory so go right ahead.

Host: Sweet.  (Stops cycling, jumps up, walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups)

Partner: Seriously?!

Host: (Without stopping, turns head to Partner) Why yes, anyone serious about their health should be able to do this basic move.  (Flips back off the chair into another middle split on the ground)

Partner: (Flings up arms in resignation) I give up – everything here is going to drive viewers away, and I am shocked you actually still have students at the gym.

Host: (Pulling both legs overhead) I hold myself back there, too.

Partner: You can film yourself from now on, then – I’m taking a permanent lunch break.  (Decamps to the kitchen)

Host: Go right ahead – I’ve got this all under control, but thanks for your help!  (To the camera, still holding up legs and now smiling broadly) Make sure to like and subscribe if this video has changed your life!  Wow, I am a natural at this.

Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.

Story 438: Synergy in The Vortex

 (In a gift shop)

Tourist 1: (Entering with Tourist 2) So, what’s so special about this place?  It seems like the same-old, New Age-y, hippe-dippie tourist trap you find all over the world.  (Suddenly sees Employee 1 nearby, staring at them) But the furnishings seem lovely.

Tourist 2: I read that this place is supposed to be at the exact center of The Vortex.  (Spreads arms out as far as possible without hitting spinning racks of meditation CDs and dream catchers hanging from the ceiling) I can already feel my chakras aligning just by being in this sacred space.

Tourist 1: Seriously?  I didn’t think you were into all that stuff.

Tourist 2: (Lowers arms) Then you don’t know me at all.

Tourist 1: (Grabs a deck of tarot cards from off a shelf) But really, what’s the deal with this specific place?  I mean, what is The Vortex?

Employee 1: (Glides over as Tourist 1 puts the card deck back on the shelf) The Vortex, my friends, is the convergence of energies into this central location: by entering this confluence of forces, your spirit will be cleansed, your soul purified, and your aura illuminated.

Tourist 2: Wow.

Tourist 1: Uh-huh.  So does that mean everything in here costs triple what we’d find in the same shop down the street?  (Tourist 2 elbows Tourist 1)

Employee 1: (Mysteriously) You’ll never know what you’ll find in The Vortex…. I’ll be over here if you need me to look for anything in the store room.  (Glides back to restocking stained glass hangings)

Tourist 1: You betcha.

Tourist 2: You’re so rude.

Tourist 1: Whatever: just don’t drop more than $20 in this place, is all I’m saying.

(They start browsing; on turning a corner, they nearly bump into Tourist 3)

Tourist 3: Oops, sorry.

Tourist 1: Nope, my fault: I didn’t take the corner wide enough.

(Tourist 1 and Tourist 3 suddenly stare at each other closely)

Tourist 3: This may sound weird, but… did you go to Main Street Elementary School in Centerville back in the 90s?

Tourist 1: Oh my gosh, you did, too?!  Calculating Colossi 3^rd grade math?!

Tourist 3: Yes!  The classroom with the abacus?

Tourist 1: Yes!

Tourist 3: Oh my goodness, that was over 30 years ago!

Tourist 1: Yes – !  Ugh, don’t remind me.

Tourist 2: Not to mention, it’s about 10 states away from here.

Tourist 3: Absolutely!  What’re the odds, huh?

Tourist 1: (Sees Employee 1 staring at them expectantly) Eh, probably bound to happen at some point in life; might as well be here.

Tourist 2: Or, it’s The –

Tourist 1: Don’t say it.

(Tourist 4 emerges from the back of the store carrying wind chimes, stops upon seeing the group, and points at Tourist 1)

Tourist 4: Weren’t you in my after-school group when you were a wee little thing?

Tourist 1: (Narrows eyes, then widens them in shock) Oh my gosh, you were my Den Leader for seven years!  You taught us how to fly fish and how to bake bread!

Tourist 4: Yes, I was a full-service mentor.

Tourist 2: (To Tourist 1) What a small world.

Tourist 1: Yeah, uh, well, it – it happens.

(Employee 2 glides over to the growing group)

Employee 2: Hello, does anyone need any help – ?  (Notices Tourist 1) Oh my stars, I haven’t see you in ages!  How’ve you been?

Tourist 1: (Eyes widen even wider) Oh – my – gosh: you’re the kid I was supposed to go to prom with but I totally flaked off to play video games instead!  (Winces) Really sorry about that – I was very immature back then.

Tourist 2: “Was”?

Employee 2: (Chuckles) It’s OK: as you can see, I’ve recovered from the social trauma.  I actually wound up going with someone else that night, and we’ll be celebrating our 25^th wedding anniversary this year.

Tourist 1: Whoa, that’s amazing.  And you both moved all the way out here?

Employee 2: Oh yeah, we just felt this calling, you know?

Tourist 1: I guess.

Tourist 3: I’m tellin’ ya, we’ve all been drawn here for this very moment!

Tourist 4: It does seem like Fate, doesn’t it?

Employee 1: (Glides over to stare intently at Tourist 1) Yes, doesn’t it?

Tourist 1: No it doesn’t!  This is just a series of bizarre coincides that the laws of odds and averages make happen at one, singular, freaky moment in our lives, and – (Suddenly notices objects in a glass display case) and – and is that the seashell collection I lost when I was 5?!

(The group whirls around as a clock chimes the hour)

Tourist 1: (Gasps) My grandfather’s grandfather clock?!

(The group whirls around as the shop door opens and Tourist 5 enters)

Tourist 1: (Gasps) Mom??!!

Tourist 5: Yeah – I’ve been waiting in the car for over 15 minutes; are you two gonna get a move on or what?

Tourist 2: We will: we were just catching up with some old acquaintances here.

Tourist 5: (Takes in the group) Oh.  You all do look vaguely familiar, but I’m too tired on this trip to play catch-up – bye.  (Leaves the store)

(The group stare at each other)

Tourist 1: All y’all weren’t hired by some weirdo to play an elaborate trick on me, were you?  (The rest shake their heads)

Tourist 3: I only came in here to use the bathroom – turns out there aren’t any for customers.

Tourist 2: I’m telling you, it’s The Vortex!

Employee 1: I’ll say: we’ve never had a convergence quite this massive before; I must note it in the store’s log.

Employee 2: You do that – you’re the only one who reads that thing anyway.  (To Tourist 1) So this certainly was life-affirming and soul-impacting, wasn’t it?

Tourist 1: I have to admit, I’ve never had an experience quite like it; I’m low-key questioning reality right about now.

Employee 2: Enough to possibly buy back your long-lost seashell collection?

Tourist 1: Not that much.

Story 437: Babysitting for Family

 (At a house in suburbia)

Parent: (To Child as they both wait in the living room) Now, your cousin’ll be here any minute – you remember what I told you for tonight?

Child: Uh-huh: don’t waste any food at dinner; put everything in the dishwasher; not too much TV; do board games first.

Parent: Very good – and?

Child: Oh yeah: don’t swallow, run around with, or otherwise roughhouse with anything that doesn’t belong in the body.

Parent: (Hugs Child) Excellent.  (Knock at the front door) Here we go!  (Opens the door and sees Teen; waves at Cousin as the latter drives away from the house) Hi!  It’s so good to see you!  (Hugs Teen briefly)

Teen: Hi – am I late?  (Half-hugs Child) Hey there, squirt.

Child: Howdy.

Parent: Not at all, you’re right on time!  (Gathers belongings to head out the door) So, you two are going to have a great time tonight – I left a pizza in the freezer, and ice cream’s in there too if you want some later –

Teen: (Licks lips) Yum.

Parent: Oh, and all the phone numbers you might need are on the fridge; mine’s on top, police, fire –

Child: Poison Control?

Parent: Yes dear, if either of you wind up mistaking the clearly labeled bleach for water then that number’s there, too.  I think that’s it; any questions?

Teen: Yeah, when’s bedtime around here?

Parent: Oh, well, it’s not a school night so you don’t have to worry about that.

Teen: Sweet.

Parent: (Hugs Child and heads for the door) Now, you both be good!

Child and Teen: We will!

Parent: (At the open door) And call me if there’s anything you’re not sure about, OK?

Child and Teen: OK!

Parent: (Blowing kisses) Love you – bye!  (Closes the door and drives off)

Teen: (Spins on heel to face Child) So.  The house is ours, then.

Child: I guess.  Wanna play Amalgamation?

Teen: Nah, that one takes forever and the mergers are never satisfying.  Let’s watch TV, I never get to see the shows I want at home.

Child: Uh… the cable’s out.

Teen: Oh.  You got a laptop or something with Internet then?  I’m sure someone around here’s got a subscription service I can force myself into.

Child: Uhhhh…. (The landline phone rings)

Teen: (Jumps in shock) Ah!  Who’s that?!

Child: Dunno – there’s no caller ID on that one.  (Phone keeps ringing)

Teen: Well you live here, you should answer it!

Child: OK, I was going to let it go to voicemail, but sure.  (Picks up the receiver) Hello?

Voice 1: Hello.  Don’t hang up – (Child hangs up)

Teen: (Peeking from behind a kitchen chair) Who was it?!

Child: A robot.

Teen: (Gasps) We’re finally under attack from A.I.?!

Child: No, it probably just wanted to sell us insurance.  I’m actually getting hungry – wanna do dinner now?

Teen: (Emerging from behind the chair) Sure, there’s nothing else to do.

(They have the pizza, dump the dishes and glasses in the dishwasher, and enter the Post-Dinner Lull)

Teen: Soooo, whaddya do for fun around here?  Last time we came over you had that basketball hoop in the driveway.

Child: …It’s broken.  Hey, wanna watch a movie?

Teen: I thought the cable was out.

Child: I meant on DVD.

Teen: How retro.  Sure, whatcha got?

(They review the choices on shelves by the entertainment center)

Teen: (Points to a title) That one’ll give you nightmares.

Child: (Peers closer) It’s rated “G.”

Teen: Then someone out there made a mistake, because those goblins were most certainly not family-friendly.  (Grabs a case) Ooh, how about this one?

Child: (Reads the cover, then looks up at Teen) This one’s rated “R.”

Teen: I know, but all my friends’ve seen it and they said there’s barely any blood and gore – my parents wouldn’t let me go see it though; they’re the worst.

Child: I like them.

Teen: (Flops on the couch and grabs two remotes to start up the TV and DVD player) Yeah, well, you don’t have to be their kid!

Child: (Sits slowly next to Teen) I’m sure they mean well.

Teen: Yeah, yeah.  (Jumps in seat when there is a knock on the door) Who is that?!

Child: (Stares at Teen) Should I answer it then?

Teen: (Dives behind the couch) You betcha!

Child: (Walks to the front door but does not open it) Who is it?

Voice 2: Just a friendly salesperson offering a brand spanking new set of encyclopedias!

Teen: (Pops up from behind the couch) Liar!  Those went extinct years ago!

Child: We don’t want any, thank you.

Voice 2: (Droopingly) Nobody does.  (Footsteps recede)

Teen: (Climbs back over the couch to sit as Child returns) That was scary – let’s go watch the movie.  (Resumes remote work)

Child: Uh… I have an idea!

Teen: Better than space horror?

Child: Yes!  (Grabs one of the books scattered throughout the room) Can you read this to me, please?  I need it for school.

Teen: (Grabs the book and raises an eyebrow while reading the title) Sense and Sensibility?  A little advanced for the 5^th grade, isn’t it?

Child: Exactly: I’m in an advanced class.  (Cuddles next to Teen and looks up expectantly)

Teen: (Sighs, then shuts down the entertainment system and opens up the book) Fine – I could use a little Jane Austen wit right about now.

 TWO HOURS LATER

(Parent unlocks and opens the front door)

Parent: I’m home!  How is everybody?

(Child and Teen wake up from dozing on the couch)

Child: (Runs to hug Parent) You’re home, yay!

Parent: (Laughing) Silly.  Did you two have a good time?

Teen: (Rubbing eyes and stretching) Yep – learned everything we ever wanted to know about Regency English laws of property entailment and primogeniture.

(Parent looks down at Child in confusion)

Child: It was amazing.

Parent: Well, that’s… lovely.  (Teen subtly returns the movie to the shelf as Parent hangs up coat) So, did you have any dessert?

Teen: (Slumps) Argh, I missed it!

Child: The pizza was enough.

(There is a knock at the front door)

Parent: Perfect timing!  (Opens the door to Cousin and they hug) Hi!  This worked out well – I just got home now from the reunion, too!

Cousin: (Hugs Child) Great!  (To Teen) You ready to go, kiddo?

Teen: (To Parent) Actually, since we’ve got a bit of a ride, can I use your bathroom first?

Parent: Sure!  You remember where it is?

Teen: Oh yeah, I always secure those locations wherever I go.  (Trots away)

Cousin: (To Child) You two have a good time tonight, hm?

Child: It was… entertaining.

Cousin: Hope kiddo there wasn’t too much of a handful; I really appreciate you babysitting tonight, by the way.

Child: Of course – that’s what family’s for.

Story 436: Low Iron in the Blood

 (At a local blood drive in a rental hall)

Friend 1: (Sits propped up on a stretcher; to Friend 2) You see?  Being a tad overweight has its benefits: for the first time in my life, I am finally able to give the gift of life.

Friend 2: (Answering e-mails on cell phone) True, but I don’t think the future recipient really wants all that sugar you downed at Mardi Gras included with the red blood cells you’re passing along.

Friend 1: That night is not to be spoken of.

Phlebotomist: (Approaching with collection set and other supplies) Hello, you all ready for this?

Friend 1: (Steels self by gripping the sides of the stretcher) I’m ready, Doc: drain me!

Phlebotomist: I’m not a doctor, and we don’t even take half your volume.  (Preps Friend 1’s arm and holds out a small tube wrapped in paper) Here.

Friend 1: Is this for me to stifle my screams?

Phlebotomist: No, it’s for you to flex your hand every five to 10 seconds to keep your vein nice and limber.  (Friend 1 holds the tube as Phlebotomist is ready to insert the needle) Wanna watch?

Friend 1: Yes?  No!  (Phlebotomist inserts the needle) Too late.

Friend 2: (Watches as blood begins to flow and Phlebotomist preps the collection set to rest on a seesawing platform) Neat.

Phlebotomist: Yeah, this’ll go on for about 20 minutes.

Friend 1: (Watching the continuous red line) Ewwww….

Friend 2: What kind of training is involved to do this?

Friend 1: Traitor!  You’re supposed to help preserve my bodily fluids!

Friend 2: You volunteered for this because you’d said you “didn’t want to feel like a completely useless piece of humanity.”

Friend 1: I changed my mind!  (Holds a hand to forehead and slumps) I think I’m feeling faint from the blood loss, help….

Phlebotomist: Barely anything’s gone out of you – by the way, you get bagels and cookies when we’re done here.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Mmmm, the goodies.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 is unhooked from the set-up and escorted to a table where Friend 2 is snacking on pretzels)

Friend 2: (Looking up as Friend 1 shakily sits) Ah, you made it!  (Slaps a sticker on Friend 1’s shirt)

Friend 1: (Tries to read it upside-down) What the blazes is this?

Friend 2: A cute little reminder to the world that you’re a first-time lifesaver.  I am proud of you, you know.

Friend 1: (Takes a tentative sip of fruit juice) Thanks, that makes one of us.  I did it purely for the accolades.

Friend 2: Don’t I know it.

Friend 1: (As a Volunteer approaches their table) Ah yes, the foretold meal: I’ll take an extremely rare flank steak, stuffed potato, and all the rolls, please.

Volunteer: We have plain bagels with cream cheese or butter.

Friend 1: Cream cheese will suffice, I thank you.  (Pulls out a piece of paper as Volunteer leaves to retrieve the food) I never actually read the receipt they gave me – I think it may have post-emptying instructions.

Friend 2: (Takes the form to read) Oh yeah, it just tells you how you might feel afterward, and that you need to replenish your iron.

Friend 1: Eh?

Friend 2: Your iron.  You lost a bit and it takes a while for your body to replenish it, so they suggest you go out and get some.

Friend 1: And how am I supposed to do that?!

Friend 2: Eat it.  You take a multivitamin, right?

Friend 1: Why would I?!

Friend 2: Never mind.  Just start taking one now, or go out and get some iron.

Friend 1: Why was I not told about this before I signed up to give away my life source?!

Friend 2: It’s not a big deal.

Friend 1: Says the one who’s not suddenly iron deficient!  (Volunteers returns with the bagel) Thank you, good Volunteer – your service will not go unrewarded.

Volunteer: We’re not allowed to accept tips.

Friend 1: Nor was I about to give you one.  (Volunteer leaves as Friend 1 chows down) I suppose this lump of fungal dough and bacteria-riddled cow secretions wouldn’t have much iron, would it?

Friend 2: (With a disgusted look) When you put it like that….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Friend 1, pale and shaky, sits at the kitchen table at home, staring at a pile of pennies spread out on a placemat)

Friend 1: It’s perfectly natural… it’s found in Nature… all the other animals are doing it…. (Slowly picks up a penny and brings it closer; cellphone rings and Friend 1 picks it up immediately) Yep?

Friend 2: You’re not about to eat your spare change, are you?

Friend 1: Nooooo…..

Friend 2: Want me to get you some kale?

Friend 1: Vegetables, gross!  (Disconnects the call and stares off into space) There must be some other way….

 OVERNIGHT

(In a supermarket, a Security Guard patrols the darkened aisles with a flashlight)

Security Guard: (Muttering to self) If I see that cat in here one more time, I am calling the Humane Society, I don’t care what they say – (Hears a muffled crash and swings around sharply) Who’s there?  (Waits a few beats) Why do I always ask that as if anybody’d really answer me?  (Runs to the produce aisle where the noise was and sweeps around the flashlight) If you’re stealing food, I can tell you right now it’s all borderline!  (The flashlight catches Friend 1, perched on top of a rack of shelves, biting down on a metal beam) What in the world?!

Friend 1: (Shields eyes with arm) Don’t witness my shame!  (Flees out the automated front door, wailing)

Security Guard: (Stares closer at the metal beam) The wildlife in here’s getting weirder and weirder.

THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s door, carrying grocery bags)

Friend 2: (When the door opens) Hi, I got – what happened to you?

Friend 1: (Appears wretchedly frazzled) Nothing!  Nothing at all!  (Eyes widen upon seeing the bags) Is that iron?

Friend 2: (Holds out a bag) Well, I got your dreaded kale, plus some dried fruit and –

Friend 1: (Grabs the bag and Friend 2, pulling the latter into the apartment) Move!

Friend 2: (Closes the door and begins emptying the bags onto the kitchen counter; side-eyes Friend 1) You’ll want to wash that off first.

Friend 1: (Mouth is wide open to take a huge bite of kale) I was just about to.  (Washes off the kale, then begins eating it raw)

Friend 2: (Tries to ignore this while organizing the food) You know, in a way this may be a good thing; get you to eat a little healthier.  (Holds up a can) When’s the last time you had any beans?

Friend 1: (Chewing) Beans and I aren’t on speaking turns.  (Suddenly notices the can, grabs it out of Friend 2’s hand, and begins sniffing it all around intensely)

Friend 2: That’s aluminum.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Tosses the can back to Friend 2 and resumes devouring the kale)

Friend 2: I also got you some iron pills – you seem a bit more anemic than I first thought.

Friend 1: I’m not anemic, I just need iron!

Friend 2: What do you think “anemic” means?

Friend 1: Whatever – you’re not my dietitian!  (Finished with the kale, starts tearing open a bag of dried apricots)

 Friend 2: OK, I’m heading out.  You don’t have to pay for all this, but a simple “Thank you” would be nice.

Friend 1: (Grabs a wad of cash lying about and shoves it into Friend 2’s jeans pocket) Thank you, supplier!  (Continues eating the entire bag of fruit)

Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Yeah – so, I’m going to go meet up with my family for Passover Seder tonight, so I hope you feel well enough to meet up with your family for Easter dinner tomorrow, OK?

Friend 1: (Freezes, then swallows fruit in a gulp) Easter?  Tomorrow’s Easter?

Friend 2: Well yeah, the two holidays pretty much go together.

Friend 1: Oh no, this is a disaster!

Friend 2: Why, you’ll have to bow out?

Friend 1: I can’t – I’m supposed to host!

Friend 2: Your life really is a hot mess.

Story 435: Something in the Plumbing

 (Plumber drives up to the first address on the day’s list and reviews notes before leaving the truck)

Plumber: (Mumbles while reading) “Backed-up kitchen sink… backed-up dishwasher… Nature has been commuting through the pipes….”  Sounds like a 50-foot snake job.  (Grabs a tool bag and whistles on the way to the front door of the house, suspiciously eyeing the trees on the front lawn and their many, many roots)

Trees: <Don’t look at us – we were here long before those pipes were shoved into our bed>

(Plumber rings the doorbell and continues whistling while peering at the bushes lined up in a row under the front window; the door suddenly flings open and a hand grabs Plumber’s shirt, pulling the latter inside as the door slams)

Homeowner: (With frazzled hair, frazzled clothes, and frazzled eyes) My savior at last – I have been bailing out this mess for the past two days!

Plumber: (Unobtrusively removes Homeowner’s hand from shirt and suppresses a sigh) Sounds rough – lead the way.

(The head into the kitchen and stop at the doorway)

Plumber: (Now suppressing a scream) Ho-ow long did you say it’s been like this?!

Homeowner: (Biting a thumbnail) Hm?  Oh, the sink’s been regurgitating the ghosts of meals past for about a week – the bailing’s only been the past two days, and it was the weekend so I refused to pay extra for an emergency call.

(They navigate through the multiple buckets and jerry-rigged drain hoses throughout the kitchen to reach the sink, which has several inches of what appears to be pond water floating in it)

Plumber: (Opens the tool bag and starts going through it) And has the water been backing up every time you use this?

Homeowner: No, that’s the kicker: it backs up willy-nilly, all on its own, then drains whenever it feels like it; the bailing started when it stopped draining as much, and then the dishwasher started leaking in sympathy.  I have to get up every two hours during the night for these as if they were newborn children.

Plumber: Know the feeling.  (Opens the cabinet below the sink and checks out the pipes) Did you use any chemical drain cleaner at all on this?

Homeowner: No, I heard those ruin the pipes so I just did a homemade volcano of baking soda and vinegar.

Plumber: Thank goodness.  May I?  (Holds a hand out toward one of the buckets)

Homeowner: Please.

Plumber: (Places the bucket under the sink, unscrews the trap, and inspects it while letting everything drain) Yep, this is a bust.  (Holds out the trap to show it crumbling to pieces)

Homeowner: Wow.  Never noticed that before.

Plumber: (Wipes face as the remaining water drains and mud splashes all over the place) I’ll replace it, snake the pipe, and you should be good to go.

Homeowner: (Grabs a frog out of the nearly-empty sink and flings it out the window to land on a nearby tree) That’s it?  This seems worse than that simple fix; I could’ve done that myself.

Plumber: (Shaking off twigs falling out of the pipe and spitting out splashing mud) Well you didn’t fix it, did you!  Here – (Holds out the bucket) go dump this in the tub or wherever you’ve been disposing of the ocean while I take care of the rest.

Homeowner: (Takes the bucket and leaves, muttering) Rude.

Plumber: (Takes out the snake and begins unwinding it through the plumbing, on and on, encountering multiple obstacles along the way that are gradually defeated) C’mon, move it, get out of there…. (Keeps snaking through the pipes, then comes up against what feels like a wall) Aha!  Gotcha, you little…. (Struggles against the obstruction as Homeowner returns)

Homeowner: (Setting down the bucket and flinging another frog out the window) So, find anything?

Plumber: (Still struggling) Oh yeah!  It’s a doozy, but I think I’m – (Yank-pull) getting it – (Push-pull) loose –  (The house begins to shake with increasing violence as an ominous noise sounds down the line) Uh-oh.

Homeowner: Whaddya mean, “Uh-oh”?!  You know how nervous everyone gets when someone in authority says that!

Plumber: (Hurriedly retracts the sake, screws in a new trap on the shaking pipe, and backs away from the sink while gesturing Homeowner to do the same) You’ve got insurance on this place, right?

Homeowner: What?!

(The kitchen sink erupts in a mini-geyser of water, mud, branches, and frogs for about 10 seconds, then settles down and slowly drains again; the dishwasher gives a complementary splash)

Homeowner: (Shaking off water and debris) Whelp, good thing I took down the curtains before you came over.  So, what do you think – I need a new shut-off valve?

Plumber: (Wiping muddy water away from eyes) You need a new plumbing system!  It looks like the local bog got in there!

Homeowner: Well, that’s just ridiculous – there’s no bog anywhere near here; just the swamp across the street.

Plumber: Same difference!  (Gathers up the tool bag while still shaking off the mess) You need to call in the town’s sewer company or somebody to check those lines out there, `cause I am done!  (Runs out of the house; to Trees) That’s right, I’m talkin’ about you, too!

Trees: <Rude>

Homeowner: (Standing at the front door) What about my bill?

Plumber: (Diving into the truck) I’ll mail it to you, byeeeee!!!!  (Reverses speedily out of the driveway and zooms down the street)

Homeowner: (Re-enters the house while closing the door, sighs at the new mess in the kitchen, flings another frog out the window, and begins paper toweling everything) And I forgot to ask about checking that funny noise the shower’s been making….