Story 404: A Midsummer Night’s Autumn

 In the 95°F late August weather, The Employee clocks out of work at 5:00 p.m. and transforms into The Commuter, soon to become The Shopper – there is always some kind of work to be done.

The bus’s air conditioning does battle with the extreme heat and humidity during the ride through the city; the passengers melt off at each stop, the driver nearly joining them every time.

The sun has been setting a minute earlier each day; at night, the heat remains.

The Commuter evaporates into The Shopper while exiting the bus and floats into a department store; the sweat immediately turns to icicles and The Shopper condenses as the overpowered air conditioning blasts the entire building.  The Shopper’s internal thermodynamics are thrown in a state of array and run off screaming.

The Shopper is likewise befuddled: “Is this Halloween?”

The entire store is decorated in various shades of orange, brown, and black; fake falling leaves are everywhere; possibly-fake cobwebs are strung amongst displays.

The Shopper plunges through a pile of football season paraphernalia to grab a shopping cart, and the trek through the store begins.

One item needed is a replacement beach umbrella, which is tucked away in Summer Clearance: “But I’m going there this weekend!  The lifeguards are still on duty!  Why is all the beach stuff shoved out of the season?!”

At the end of an aisle is a few sunscreen bottles; as The Shopper reaches for one, a motion sensor is tripped and a cackling witch flashes its LED eyes at passers-by.  The Shopper jumps only slightly: “Oh, dear.”

Ghosts and goblins line the walls and shelves, and the constant breeze stirs up the haphazardly strewn leaves and strategically strewn hay bales.

At the store’s café, The Shopper stands on line to buy a lemonade.  The frazzled barista finishes the three-course-meal order of the previous customer and turns to The Shopper: “Hello, would you like to try our pumpkin spice coffee, our pumpkin spice scone, and/or our pumpkin spice pumpkin?”

“…Not today, thank you.”

Sipping the lemonade, The Shopper wanders into the holiday section of the store, which has been converted into a haunted house.

“Beware of midnight, bwahahahaha!!!!” an employee dressed as a werewolf at the house’s entrance greets The Shopper.

The latter checks a watch: “But it’s only 7:00.”

The werewolf’s snarling face stares blankly at The Shopper, who continues on to the candy aisle haunted by products not really needed for another two months: “Ooh, sea salt caramels, yoink!”  Into the cart they go.

The ceiling speakers burst into spooky music at random intervals to announce discounts for the fall; as The Shopper enters one aisle covered in school supplies, the banners strung all over the place and the speakers both scream: “Back to School Sale!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!”

“You’re telling me,” a child says to The Shopper while being forcefully guided into the aisle by their parent.

Shopping completed, The Shopper transforms once more into The Commuter as the journey home begins.  The sky darkens as night approaches; the temperature is now 88°F; and the sweat resumes its previous activity as the wait for a new bus commences.

The Commuter looks forward to one last day at the beach, filled with sand, surf, and people just everywhere, and a book to read in front of the crashing waves after making the inconvenient trip all the way out there.  While boarding the steaming bus whose air conditioning had surrendered in defeat, The Commuter sees a ginormous sign stretched over the street ahead:

COME SEE OUR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE NOVEMBER 25!!!

Story 403: Always Read the Details Before Getting on the Ride

 (At an amusement pier at night)

Friend 1: (Slowly spins around in a circle, taking in all the rides, games of chance, and food/drink stands blazing with bright lights and surrounded by one giant noise of joy) Wow, they sure did change things around here since I was a kid – that 360° swinging longboat there used to be a ball pit.

Friend 2: (Slurping a giant lemonade) Heh-heh, gross ball pit – good times.  (Suddenly points) Ooh, there’s that new ride I heard about, the one that’s all the rage with the kids nowadays.

Friend 1: Does that mean I don’t meet the age requirement, then?

Friend 2: (Leads them to a sign at the entrance to the ride) See, there’s not even a height requirement: as long as you have no heart condition, back condition, vertigo condition, fear condition –

Friend 1: (Heads to the end of the line that stretches back to the main boardwalk) Blah, blah, blah – since I know you really want to go on this thing, I’ll endure the hour-long wait for the two-minute thrill.

Friend 2: (Tosses the empty lemonade cup into a garbage can and follows Friend 1) Yesss!!!  Thanks – we’re gonna have a blast!  Although I think I read it only lasts for a minute and a half.

Friend 1: Typical.  (They begin their wait obliviously next to a giant sign with the headline: “WARNING: READ THE NOTICE BELOW FULLY BEFORE BOARDING THIS RIDE!”)

 ONE HOUR LATER

(Having followed the line steadily across the pier and up metal staircases zigzagging into the air akin to the approach to a waterpark slide, Friends 1 and 2 are led by a Ride Attendant to a solo car waiting on the tracks)

Friend 2: Oh boy, I’m getting the anticipation shakes, I haven’t had those in years!

Friend 1: I hate those – they make me feel like I lack self-control.

Ride Attendant: (Gestures for them to enter the car and buckles them in the seat) Arms and legs must remain in the car at all times – (Lowers and secures shoulder restraints over them) hold onto the side handles to steer when needed – (Points to the handles on each side of the car, next to their heads, then points to a large button on the car’s ledge in front of them) deploy the parachute when you reach the end of the track and this button stops flashing – (Points to the beach next to the pier) aim for the target on the giant cushion on the sand when you’re ready to land – (Locks the car’s door) have fun.  (Walks over to the ride’s control panel several feet away)

Friends 1 and 2: (Stare after Ride Attendant, then at each other) PARACHUTE?!

(Ride Attendant hits a button on the panel with one hand and gives them a thumbs-up with the other; the car accelerates to 100 mph in two seconds while Friends 1 and 2 scream)

Ride Attendant: (Dispassionately watches the car shoot away down the track, then turns to watch the next car approach as line-waiters hop in glee) There’s irony in all this somewhere, but I’m too tired with life to go looking for it.

(Friends 1 and 2 continue to scream as the car flies them over, upside down, and around the tracks)

Friend 2: I never knew we actually had to work on this ride!!!

Friend 1: I can’t even follow what you’re saying; nothing else exists for me right now!!!

Friend 2: (Sees the button beginning to flash, then squints ahead in the darkness) The track!  The track is ending!

Friend 1: (Starts to reach for the button) So we hit the button now?!

Friend 2: I think it’s after we’re off the track!

Friend 1: I don’t know, is it after we’re in the air or before we’re in the air?!

Friend 2: I don’t know anything anymore!

(The button flashes faster and then turns a solid light; Friends 1 and 2 slam their hands down on it as the car flies off the track and the parachute deploys.  They each grab a side handle and glide through the night air over the beach)

Friend 1: (Peers over at the sea in the distance) I think I see a cruise ship way out there – want to try landing this thing on the top deck for the midnight buffet?

Friend 2: I’m trying not to throw up right now.

Friend 1: (As they continue to glide over the quiet beach with a cool breeze gently flowing over them) You know, if my body wasn’t about to shake itself apart, this would almost be peaceful.

(They and a seagull nearly crash into each other)

Friends 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Seagull: Hey, watch it!  Tourists.  (Flies away in a huff)

Friend 1: I didn’t hear that if you didn’t.

Friend 2: (Points to the beach with a non-steering hand) Look!  There’s the target!

Friend 1: Great, `cause I think we’re starting to lose both altitude and momentum.

(Each starts pulling on their respective handle)

Friend 2: Wait, I think you pull yours that way and I pull mine this way –

Friend 1: No, that’s taking us too far over; I should pull this way and you should pull that way – (The car continues to descend, not quite over where the target cushion is located)

Friend 2: We’re zigzagging all over the place!  What happens if we don’t land on the cushion?!

Friend 1: Hope it’s fast?

Friend 2: You are no help at all!  Just keep pull – whoa!

(A figure on the ground had raised a ginormous magnet that captures the car and steadily guides it to the target cushion; the car lands with a gentle thump)

Ride Lander: (Tosses away the magnet and walks over to the car) Are you both conscious?

Friend 1: No, my brain flew off into the stratosphere somewhere back there, but thanks for asking.

Friend 2: We’re fine, thank you.

Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Define “fine”!

Ride Lander: (Unlocks the car, lifts up the shoulder restraints, unbuckles the seat belt, and begins stowing the parachute back into its compartment while Friends 1 and 2 fall out of the car; a crew waits nearby to load it onto a large trailer with other ride cars to drive them back to the pier) Report to the First Aid station if there are any injuries; your purchase of the ride tickets constitute as liability waivers; follow the lighted path to return to the pier; enjoy the rest of your night.  (Lifts the ginormous magnet to tractor beam the next car in for a landing as screams fill the air)

(Friends 1 and 2 shakily walk on the path back to the pier)

Friend 1: Just when you thought all the ideas for thrill rides had been used up, some sadistic monster conjures up a new one.

Friend 2: You’re telling me – I used to think that slingshot roller coaster was the ultimate, but I’m constantly proven wrong.

Friend 1: Yeah.  We only got to do that one ride tonight and I’m done, for everything.

Friend 2: Same here.  (They walk in silence for a few moments) Wanna get some ice cream?

Friend 1: YES.

Story 401: Ice Truck Vs Ice Cream Truck

 On a humid, lazy, summer afternoon in Suburbia, USA, the hazy streets are empty as all the idle children rest in their homes, freezing in those with air conditioning and melting in those without.  The hours tick by slowly, and all is still.

Then, in the distance….

They hear it: The Call.  Faintly at first, then not much louder as it approaches:

<Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing-bing, bing-bing, bing, bing-bing, bing-bing, bing>

One-by-one, ears perk up; heads peek out windows; and The Pleading begins:

“Can-I-have-some-money-for-the-ice-truck-please-please-please-please-PLEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEEE?!!!!!”

“Yes, fine, take it, but no dessert tonight then.”

“Yayyyyyyyyyy – ohhhhhhhh – yayyyyyyy!!!!!”

The ice truck rounds the corner at the head of the block and stops halfway down as The Pediatric Swarm approaches; the music continues as Ice Truck Employee dutifully takes orders and money and hands over flavored ices to the little waiting hands, remembering an age when the thought of owning an ice truck all summer long was the height of cool.

“Ha!”

“What?”

“Nothing, kid – enjoy the ice, don’t play in the street, see you all tomorrow.”  The ice truck is driven to the next block to repeat the ritual.

And so it goes, all summer long.

Until one day.

As the ice truck begins its usual approach down the block, in the distance at the other end an ice cream truck appears and begins its approach.

<Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing->

<Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot>

The two trucks stop 10 feet apart, grille staring down grille.  Between them on the sidewalk stand an expectant group of children, money in fists, and heads swinging back and forth between the two vehicles.

Ice Truck Employee leans out the driver’s side window to address Ice Cream Truck Employee: “You’re poaching, friend: this here’s Ice Truck Territory.”

Ice Cream Truck Employee leans out the driver’s side window and blows a disdainful bubble of gum: “I reckon this here’s Ice Cream Truck Territory now, friend.”

“Says who?”

“Says my truck being here, that’s who.”

Little heads swivel back to the ice truck for a response.

“Whelp,” Ice Truck Employee says while revving the engine, “suppose I reckon this block ain’t big enough for the both of us, partner.”

Ice Cream Truck Employee also revs the engine: “Suppose not.  We could act like civilized human beings and call our respective Corporate offices to straighten out our distribution routes, but I saw we joust for it instead.”

“That is an excellent idea.” 

Each truck beeps as they begin slowly reversing away from each other. 

One child goes up to the ice truck and speaks through the permanently open passenger’s side window: “I actually want cups from both of your trucks – ”

“Stay out of this, Susie!” 

Ice Truck Employee floors the gas to quickly reach the top of the street, puts on the parking brake, and starts to gather supplies.  With a flash of headlights from each truck, they signal they are ready.  The competing theme music tunes are blared at maximum volume from each truck’s rooftop speaker; tires squeal and spew smoke; and both trucks speed toward each other as their drivers lean out the windows, one foot stretched to depress the gas pedal.  Ice Cream Truck Employee hauls out a lance made of stacked cones six feet long, topped by a giant scoop of blue raspberry/vanilla swirl; Ice Truck Employee also hauls out a lance, this one made of cups and topped with a chunk of lemon ice.  Each lance topper is as hard as a rock.

Both Employees scream a battle cry in the key of their truck’s theme music and drive slightly to the side of each other so the trucks do not crash but their lances can reach the other’s face.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screams Ice Truck Employee.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screams Ice Cream Truck Employee.

 “Aaaaaahhhh!” scream the children observers, already mourning the waste of the lance toppers.

<Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing> screams the ice truck speaker.

<Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot> screams the ice cream truck speaker.

The trucks pass, and each Employee whiffs their chance.

“Ohhhhhhh,” the children sigh in a mixture of relief and disappointment.

The trucks skid while turning to face each other again, the lance toppers wobbling dangerously.  The Employees rev their engines anew.

“Best two out of three?” Ice Cream Truck Employee snarls.

“Bring it on!” Ice Truck Employee crows.

“HOLD IT!”

Contestants and spectators turn to face an unexpected and unwelcome group on the scene: Angry Parents

“What on Earth is going on here?!” Spokesparent demands.

“This doesn’t concern you, Meddling Sire!”  Ice Cream Truck Employee shakes the lance at the new group, nearly dislodging the melting weapon.

“Listen pal, I called your boss: your route’s scheduled to come through here at 4:00 on a Sunday, you can come earlier on Saturdays, now beat it!”

Ice Cream Truck Employee turns to glare at Ice Truck Employee: “This isn’t over yet, comrade: we’ll meet again on the field of battle, and I will have vengeance!”  Ice Cream Truck Employee draws the lance back inside the truck and begins licking the topper while executing a slow K-turn to exit the block, lowering the speaker’s music a smidgen on the way.

Ice Truck Employee turns to Spokesparent: “Thanks.”

“Don’t bother – I called your boss too, and you’re late for the rest of your route, plus you’re gonna get written up for wasting supplies and endangering the well-being of minors.”

“Oh.”  Ice Truck Employee turns to the group of children: “Anyone still want an ice?”

They all raise their money fists into the air: “Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!”

“See – they’ll always love me.”

Story 369: Wishing the Seasons Away

 (Friends 1 and 2 sit at an outdoor table in 75°F weather; Friend 1 pushes food around the plate with a fork while sighing in various pitches)

Friend 2: (Continues to eat while watching this for a few minutes) You’d better eat that eventually or I’m gonna find someone who will.

Friend 1: Hm? Oh, sorry – just having a minor life-altering existential crisis; I’ll be fine in a minute.

Friend 2: I dread to ask: what now?

Friend 1: I don’t know, everything?

Friend 2: You’re going to have to narrow it down a little.

Friend 1: I guess it’s just, I’m not, you know – in the spirit of the season.

Friend 2: Join the club: everyone else isn’t this year either, or else they’re trying to fake it `til they make it.

Friend 1: Oh.  I didn’t mean that – I’ve felt this way for years.

Friend 2: Ah, so this is just normal for you, then.

Friend 1: Yeah.  You know we haven’t even had real snow for about half a decade?

Friend 2: Don’t get me started on the climate – I’ll never stop.

Friend 1: Yeah, you do go on.  But coming back to my thing, I’ve found in my so-called adult life that I’m rarely in the spirit of any season, ever.

Friend 2: How do you mean?

Friend 1: Well, right now I’m bummed out by night starting at 4:30 in the afternoon and the occasional bouts of polar winds, so I wish we could jump ahead to late spring and midsummer.

Friend 2: OK….

Friend 1: And then when it is late spring and midsummer, I don’t do anything anyway so then I wish it were sort-of-winter again so I can pretend to hibernate while I’m really just indulging my sedentary lifestyle.

Friend 2: …What?

Friend 1: I mean, isn’t it so cozy to curl up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars right outside your window?

Friend 2: I guess, if you have a good home, but didn’t you just say we don’t really get snow anymore?

Friend 1: My midsummer mind forgets that.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd.

Friend 1: And while we’re roasting in the hot sun and can’t even go out because it’s either oven temperatures or all the good beaches and amusement parks are filled with everyone else in the world, I just wish: wouldn’t it be nice to bundle up for a brisk walk in the snowy woods followed by a good curl-up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars outside your window?

Friend 2: My head’s spinning with your repetitiveness – why don’t you forget the blizzard and just go bundle up for a walk now?

Friend 1: (Holds up a leg) I’m wearing shorts!  In Northern-Hemisphere December!

Friend 2: All right, forget the bundle-up: how about stop allowing the seasons to dictate your mood and do whatever you want whenever you want?  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, that is.

Friend 1: (Taps a fry to lip while pondering) You make an excellent point.

Friend 2: I know I do.  Now let’s pay the bill and get out of here – there’re about 50 people hovering over there waiting for a table.

Friend 1: They can have it when I’m good and finished.  For now, I’ll take your advice and live in the moment: tomorrow, I’ll finally fulfill my lifelong dream and go for advanced surfing lessons.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, didn’t realize you were going to go in that direction....

Friend 1: It’s like you said: I should stop letting the weather dictate my mood.  This balmy Winter Solstice, I will be riding the waves and grilling dinner out on the balcony and drinking lemonade and creeping around miniature golf courses, and no store decorations or holiday carolers or religious institutions or consumerist commercials or well-meaning charities will stop my new happiness!

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.

Story 351: Don’t Let a Slight Monster Invasion Ruin Your Vacation

         (A bus stops at the corner of an intersection in a shore town; among the passengers disembarking is Tourist, dragging a rolling suitcase.  Standing on the sidewalk across from the beach, Tourist takes a huge breath and sighs loudly)

            Tourist: At last – peace is mine.

        (Tourist checks into a nearby motel, unpacks, changes into a bathing suit, and immediately dives into the crowded pool)

            Guests: (In the pool and on the surrounding deck, all now drenched) Hey!

            Tourist: Sorry!  But we are all here to get wet, are we not?

            Lifeguard: Roughhouser.

          (Tourist dog paddles around for a minute, then sits on the edge of the pool steps for half an hour)

           Tourist: (Watches as a volleyball game somehow fits in the pool) Yep, can’t get any better than this.  (Sips a soft drink from the poolside bar)

            (A giant shadow falls over the land; everyone looks up to see the Sun momentarily blocked)

            Guest 1: Is that a bird?

            Guest 2: Silly, no bird is that big!  Looks more like a butterfly.

            (As the shadow passes, a loud roar is heard that shakes the ground and buildings)

            Tourist: (Watches the rippling pool waves).  Interesting.  Is it migration season now?

          Lifeguard: (Reads a cell phone text) OK, listen up: a state of emergency’s been declared, so everybody outta the pool!  (Everybody groans)

            Guest 3: Already?  We saw that thing literally two seconds ago!

     Lifeguard: (Points to the sky in horror) But now there’s them – RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!  (Vaults over the pool deck and flees down the street)

          (Guests look up and simultaneously scream as they see the flock of giant butterflies roaring across the sky, following the same path into town as their leader.  Everyone grabs as much of their things as they can, sliding across the wet ground as they tumble off the pool deck and back to their rooms for en masse check-out)

            Tourist: (Seeing that Guests and the flying flock are all gone, hauls off the pool steps and back to the diving board) That worked out nicely – now where was I?  (Repeatedly cannonballs into the pool)

            (Later that afternoon, Tourist drags a chair and gear across the street to the beach entrance)

           Tourist: (Peers into the empty beach tag station, looks around, then tosses $6 into the booth) Least I know I did the right thing.  (Sets up the chair, an umbrella, and a radio on the nearly empty beach and settles in to read a trashy novel.  The waves gradually become choppier, faint screams are heard in the distance, and the few people on the beach become more panicky as they noisily pack their gear; Tourist turns up the radio without looking up from the book)

            Beachgoer: (Runs to Tourist while carrying an umbrella) Hey – you might want to pack it up, that thing’s gonna be here any minute!

            Tourist: (Finally looks up) What thing – the beach cleaner?

            Beachgoer: No – that!  (Points out to the ocean, where a giant mutated salamander is making its way to the shore)

           Tourist: Oh, that?  Let’s see now – (Pulls out a calculator and begins typing) judging by its estimated mass and acceleration, its velocity then would be reduced by the tidal force and – (Licks finger, holds it up in the air, and nods) wind drag, along with its approach opposite to the Earth’s rotation, I’d say we have a good – (Hits “=” on the calculator) 8.17 minutes before it makes landfall.  (Looks back at Beachgoer) But thanks for the heads-up!  (Returns to the novel)

            Beachgoer: Nutter.  (Runs away screaming)

          Tourist: (Notices that the ocean is receding steadily; sighs in annoyance and begins to pack up.  To the creature) If you’re going to take the waves with you then there’s no point to this whole thing, now is there?!  (Sulks back to the nearly empty motel)

            (That evening, Tourist is on the room’s telephone as a mini-tidal wave gently laps at the first-floor windows)

           Tourist: What do you mean, the restaurant had to unexpectedly close – you guys never close!... Yes, I understand that a multi-headed creature who keeps growing more heads as others are chopped off is there, but really, if they were bringing such a large party then they should follow the same rules as everyone else and make a reservation!... Hello?

            (Later that night, Tourist strolls on a boardwalk as people occasionally run past in the opposite direction, screaming)

           Tourist: (Shakes head) The crowds certainly are rowdier this year.   (Stops at the entrance of an amusement pier and see the giant mutated salamander is at the other end, tearing through the rides and eating them)  Ugh!  And I was finally going to ride the Ferris wheel here, you jerk!  (Police and military arrive to do battle with the creature) A bit late, but thanks anyway!

            (Down a side street, Tourist finds a lone ice cream parlor still open)

            Tourist: (To Cashier) Hi, just a raspberry ice, please – you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get any kind of summer vacation experience here tonight!

           Cashier: (Ducks when hearing large flapping sounds and roaring overheard while handing over the ice) Yeah, the owner said we could stay open if we want: I need the tips for my college fund.

           Tourist: Ah yes, I remember those days.  (Hands over some bills and winks) Keep the change!  (Begins eating the ice while breezing out through the exit)

            Cashier: (Sees the change is 57¢) …Thanks?

            (Tourist finds a bench facing the slightly calmer ocean and settles down to finish the ice while several giant creatures fling around the abandoned cars that are jamming up the streets)

           Tourist: (Turns around slightly at the noise of crashing metal and honking horns) Hm – is there a parade scheduled for tonight?  (Hears a roar, turns back to the ocean, and sees a dragon lighting up the sky) Oooh, fireworks, I almost forgot!  (Tosses the empty ice cup into a nearby trash can and stretches across the back of the bench to watch the fire blaze across the sky and listen to the cacophony in the background) Aaaaahhhh, it’s so great just to get away from it all.

Story 343: Epic Birthday Drive-By Party

            (On a park trail)

            Friend 1: Don’t you just love the beginning of Summer?

            Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start for another month.

            Friend 1: No one cares about the “official” date – this is the weekend it actually matters.

          Friend 2: You mean the weekend we’re supposed to be honoring those who served our country?

          Friend 1: That goes without saying – I’m talking about Summer!  Fun in the sun; crowds everywhere there’s water; vacation, vacation, vacation!

         Friend 2: Think that’s a little dampened this year – (Sees a walker on the trail approaching them) masks up.  (Friends 1 and 2 pull up their face masks as the walker passes them; all three nod at each other)

          Friend 1: (As they both lower their masks) You’re being more of a buzzkill than usual – something up?

            Friend 2: Where to start?!

            Friend 1: Besides all that – something new?

          Friend 2: Well, I guess it’s just that I normally don’t care much about my birthday, except this year is a big one and we all were going to go to Vegas –

            Friend 1: Ah, Vegas.

          Friend 2: – and I know there’s so much else going on right now, but I was really looking forward to it and we were supposed to fly out tomorrow morning so we’d be there for my birthday that night, and it would’ve been a lot of fun to see the whole crew together again, and I’m just a little bummed out about the whole thing.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Anything else?

            Friend 2: No, thank goodness.

         Friend 1: (Silent for a few moments) You know, I just got an idea: don’t make any plans tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I already didn’t have any now – what’s up?

            Friend 1: (Evil grin) Oh, you’ll see, mwahahahaha-!

            Friend 2: Knock it off.

            Friend 1: Sorry.  But don’t worry: you’ll love it.

            Friend 2: Why does that make me even more nervous?

THE NEXT MORNING

            Friend 2: (Answering the phone at home) Hi?

            Friend 1: Happy Birthday!  Look outside your front window.

          Friend 2: (Peers through the blinds and sees Friend 1 holding a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” banner with balloons and waving wildly) Aw, thank you so much!  I’ll be right out!  (Goes outside and sees two beach chairs set up with a cooler and a boombox within reach) You’re so sweet!  You didn’t have to do all this, you know.

            Friend 1: I know – sit down.  (Plants the banner and balloons on stakes in the ground and they both sit on the chairs, facing the street)  Now – (Turns on the boombox to play really loud 80s and 90s music, opens the cooler, takes out two fruit drinks, gives one to Friend 2, and they clink bottles) – they should be here any minute.

            Friend 2: Aw, did you arrange a birthday drive-by party for me, too?

            Friend 1: Maybe.  (Looks at watch) Yes, and now they’re late.

            Friend 2: How did you get anybody with less than a day’s notice?

            Friend 1: They jumped at the chance to do something besides watching TV all day – ooh, here they come!

           (Both stand as decorated, beeping cars slowly drive down the street, everyone inside yelling out birthday wishes)

            Friend 2: (Waving and crying) This is so nice!  Oh look, our Vegas crew!

         Vegas Crew: (Everyone, including the driver, is hanging out the windows) Wooooooo!!!!  Party-party-party-party – (They continue down the street)

            Friend 2: (Sees trucks and flashing lights approaching) Oh no, that fire truck can’t get through with everyone in the way!

            Friend 1: There’s no fire – that I know of – that’s for you.

            Friend 2: What?!  Why?!

            Friend 1: I told them you were a disappointed 5-year-old.

            Friend 2: But that’s a lie!

            Friend 1: Not really – in a sense, aren’t we all disappointed 5-year-olds?

            Friend 2: You – (The fire truck stops in front of the house) Sorry, there’s no kid, it’s just me!

           Firefighter: Eh, we do it for everybody.  Have a lolly.  (Tosses Friends 1 and 2 lollipops as the radio crackles) Whelp, got a real emergency now – (Takes out a megaphone and addresses the line of cars ahead) Everybody, move to your right!  (The line of cars shifts to the right as the fire truck blares its way down the street) Happy Birthdaaaaaaayyyy….

            Friend 2: (Sits back on the beach chair) Wow, that was great, thank you so much for all this!

            Friend 1: (Still standing, squints in the distance and mutters) They said they’d be here….

            Friend 2: Who?

            Friend 1: Aha!  (Points as a tank approaches) That.

            Friend 2: (Stands suddenly) WHAT?!

         (A noisy line of the tank, motorcycles, parade floats, scooters, tractor trailers, gas trucks, oversized load trucks, and a tricycle pass by)

            Friend 2: Who are all these people?!

            Friend 1: Extremely bored citizens.

            Friend 2: My neighbors are gonna freak out with all this – this – (Waves arms at the parade) – hullabaloo!

            Friend 1: Are you kidding?  This is the most excitement they’ve had in months!

           Neighbor: (Standing nearby, clapping and waving at the procession) I’ll say!  This is helping me not miss going to the office every day!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) But this is getting to be too much – I hate to say it, but are they going to be done soon?

           Friend 1: Why, got some place to be?  (Turns at the sound of drums) Yesssss!  The circus made it.

            Friend 2: (Also turns) Huh?

          (Clowns juggling, acrobats tumbling, trapeze artists swinging on floats, and a marching band pass by)

            Friend 1: I know clowns aren’t your thing, but they’re part of the package –especially since the animals have all been restored to their natural habitats which, you know, good riddance.

            Friend 2: (Sits back on the beach chair) I think I’m getting sensory overload.

           Friend 1: Well, you’re in luck – you can relax and just tilt your head back, since the jets should be passing overhead any minute now.  (Friend 2’s eyes widen) Don’t worry, this is part of their training exercises anyway so no extra cost to the taxpayers!  (The sound of jet engines is heard overhead as Friends 1 and 2 look up) See, there they are, hiiiiii!!!  (Waves at the sky) I don’t think they can see us, but it feels rude not to.

            Friend 2: (Stands) I never thought I’d say this, but I need to go lie down.

            Friend 1: Hold that thought: they’re all gonna to circle the block one more time.

            Vegas Crew: (Circling the block one more time) – party-party-party-party –

           Friend 2: Everyone’s been so sweet, but I just need to step away from all of it for a minute.  Or a day.  (Trots quickly back into the house)

           Friend 1: (Yelling towards the front door) OK, but not too long: the International Space Station will be dipping down about a mile overhead in 13 minutes, so you’d better rally by then!  (Sits back on the beach chair, opens another fruit drink, and slurps it)

            Neighbor: (Points to Friend 2’s chair) Mind if I sit there for a moment?

            Friend 1: Sure thing – (Neighbor sits in the chair) – drink?

            Neighbor: Don’t mind if I do.  (Accepts a fruit drink and leans back while slurping)

         Friend 1: (Sighs as the tank approaches again) Times like these really make you appreciate the simple things in life.