(A
bus stops at the corner of an intersection in a shore town; among the
passengers disembarking is Tourist, dragging a rolling suitcase. Standing on the sidewalk across from the
beach, Tourist takes a huge breath and sighs loudly)
Tourist:
At last – peace is mine.
(Tourist
checks into a nearby motel, unpacks, changes into a bathing suit, and
immediately dives into the crowded pool)
Guests:
(In the pool and on the surrounding deck, all now drenched) Hey!
Tourist:
Sorry! But we are all here to get
wet, are we not?
Lifeguard:
Roughhouser.
(Tourist
dog paddles around for a minute, then sits on the edge of the pool steps for
half an hour)
Tourist:
(Watches as a volleyball game somehow fits in the pool) Yep, can’t get any better
than this. (Sips a soft drink from the
poolside bar)
(A
giant shadow falls over the land; everyone looks up to see the Sun momentarily
blocked)
Guest
1: Is that a bird?
Guest
2: Silly, no bird is that big! Looks
more like a butterfly.
(As
the shadow passes, a loud roar is heard that shakes the ground and buildings)
Tourist:
(Watches the rippling pool waves).
Interesting. Is it migration
season now?
Lifeguard:
(Reads a cell phone text) OK, listen up: a state of emergency’s been declared,
so everybody outta the pool! (Everybody
groans)
Guest
3: Already? We saw that thing literally
two seconds ago!
Lifeguard:
(Points to the sky in horror) But now there’s them – RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!! (Vaults over the pool deck and flees down the
street)
(Guests
look up and simultaneously scream as they see the flock of giant butterflies
roaring across the sky, following the same path into town as their leader. Everyone grabs as much of their things as
they can, sliding across the wet ground as they tumble off the pool deck and
back to their rooms for en masse check-out)
Tourist:
(Seeing that Guests and the flying flock are all gone, hauls off the pool steps
and back to the diving board) That worked out nicely – now where was I? (Repeatedly cannonballs into the pool)
(Later
that afternoon, Tourist drags a chair and gear across the street to the beach
entrance)
Tourist:
(Peers into the empty beach tag station, looks around, then tosses $6 into the
booth) Least I know I did the right thing. (Sets up the chair, an umbrella, and a radio
on the nearly empty beach and settles in to read a trashy novel. The waves gradually become choppier, faint
screams are heard in the distance, and the few people on the beach become more panicky
as they noisily pack their gear; Tourist turns up the radio without looking up
from the book)
Beachgoer:
(Runs to Tourist while carrying an umbrella) Hey – you might want to pack it
up, that thing’s gonna be here any minute!
Tourist:
(Finally looks up) What thing – the beach cleaner?
Beachgoer:
No – that! (Points out to the ocean,
where a giant mutated salamander is making its way to the shore)
Tourist:
Oh, that? Let’s see now – (Pulls out a
calculator and begins typing) judging by its estimated mass and acceleration,
its velocity then would be reduced by the tidal force and – (Licks finger,
holds it up in the air, and nods) wind drag, along with its approach opposite
to the Earth’s rotation, I’d say we have a good – (Hits “=” on the calculator)
8.17 minutes before it makes landfall.
(Looks back at Beachgoer) But thanks for the heads-up! (Returns to the novel)
Beachgoer:
Nutter. (Runs away screaming)
Tourist:
(Notices that the ocean is receding steadily; sighs in annoyance and begins to
pack up. To the creature) If you’re going
to take the waves with you then there’s no point to this whole thing, now is
there?! (Sulks back to the nearly empty
motel)
(That
evening, Tourist is on the room’s telephone as a mini-tidal wave gently laps at
the first-floor windows)
Tourist:
What do you mean, the restaurant had to unexpectedly close – you guys never
close!... Yes, I understand that a multi-headed creature who keeps growing more
heads as others are chopped off is there, but really, if they were bringing
such a large party then they should follow the same rules as everyone else and
make a reservation!... Hello?
(Later
that night, Tourist strolls on a boardwalk as people occasionally run past in
the opposite direction, screaming)
Tourist:
(Shakes head) The crowds certainly are rowdier this year. (Stops at the entrance of an amusement pier
and see the giant mutated salamander is at the other end, tearing through the
rides and eating them) Ugh! And I was finally going to ride the Ferris wheel
here, you jerk! (Police and military
arrive to do battle with the creature) A bit late, but thanks anyway!
(Down
a side street, Tourist finds a lone ice cream parlor still open)
Tourist:
(To Cashier) Hi, just a raspberry ice, please – you wouldn’t believe how hard
it is to get any kind of summer vacation experience here tonight!
Cashier:
(Ducks when hearing large flapping sounds and roaring overheard while handing
over the ice) Yeah, the owner said we could stay open if we want: I need the
tips for my college fund.
Tourist:
Ah yes, I remember those days. (Hands
over some bills and winks) Keep the change!
(Begins eating the ice while breezing out through the exit)
Cashier:
(Sees the change is 57¢) …Thanks?
(Tourist
finds a bench facing the slightly calmer ocean and settles down to finish the
ice while several giant creatures fling around the abandoned cars that are
jamming up the streets)
Tourist:
(Turns around slightly at the noise of crashing metal and honking horns) Hm –
is there a parade scheduled for tonight?
(Hears a roar, turns back to the ocean, and sees a dragon lighting up
the sky) Oooh, fireworks, I almost forgot!
(Tosses the empty ice cup into a nearby trash can and stretches across
the back of the bench to watch the fire blaze across the sky and listen to the
cacophony in the background) Aaaaahhhh, it’s so great just to get away from it
all.
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