(At an amusement pier at night)
Friend 1: (Slowly spins around in a circle, taking in all the rides, games of chance, and food/drink stands blazing with bright lights and surrounded by one giant noise of joy) Wow, they sure did change things around here since I was a kid – that 360° swinging longboat there used to be a ball pit.
Friend 2: (Slurping a giant lemonade) Heh-heh, gross ball pit – good times. (Suddenly points) Ooh, there’s that new ride I heard about, the one that’s all the rage with the kids nowadays.
Friend 1: Does that mean I don’t meet the age requirement, then?
Friend 2: (Leads them to a sign at the entrance to the ride) See, there’s not even a height requirement: as long as you have no heart condition, back condition, vertigo condition, fear condition –
Friend 1: (Heads to the end of the line that stretches back to the main boardwalk) Blah, blah, blah – since I know you really want to go on this thing, I’ll endure the hour-long wait for the two-minute thrill.
Friend 2: (Tosses the empty lemonade cup into a garbage can and follows Friend 1) Yesss!!! Thanks – we’re gonna have a blast! Although I think I read it only lasts for a minute and a half.
Friend 1: Typical. (They begin their wait obliviously next to a giant sign with the headline: “WARNING: READ THE NOTICE BELOW FULLY BEFORE BOARDING THIS RIDE!”)
ONE HOUR LATER
(Having followed the line steadily across the pier and up metal staircases zigzagging into the air akin to the approach to a waterpark slide, Friends 1 and 2 are led by a Ride Attendant to a solo car waiting on the tracks)
Friend 2: Oh boy, I’m getting the anticipation shakes, I haven’t had those in years!
Friend 1: I hate those – they make me feel like I lack self-control.
Ride Attendant: (Gestures for them to enter the car and buckles them in the seat) Arms and legs must remain in the car at all times – (Lowers and secures shoulder restraints over them) hold onto the side handles to steer when needed – (Points to the handles on each side of the car, next to their heads, then points to a large button on the car’s ledge in front of them) deploy the parachute when you reach the end of the track and this button stops flashing – (Points to the beach next to the pier) aim for the target on the giant cushion on the sand when you’re ready to land – (Locks the car’s door) have fun. (Walks over to the ride’s control panel several feet away)
Friends 1 and 2: (Stare after Ride Attendant, then at each other) PARACHUTE?!
(Ride Attendant hits a button on the panel with one hand and gives them a thumbs-up with the other; the car accelerates to 100 mph in two seconds while Friends 1 and 2 scream)
Ride Attendant: (Dispassionately watches the car shoot away down the track, then turns to watch the next car approach as line-waiters hop in glee) There’s irony in all this somewhere, but I’m too tired with life to go looking for it.
(Friends 1 and 2 continue to scream as the car flies them over, upside down, and around the tracks)
Friend 2: I never knew we actually had to work on this ride!!!
Friend 1: I can’t even follow what you’re saying; nothing else exists for me right now!!!
Friend 2: (Sees the button beginning to flash, then squints ahead in the darkness) The track! The track is ending!
Friend 1: (Starts to reach for the button) So we hit the button now?!
Friend 2: I think it’s after we’re off the track!
Friend 1: I don’t know, is it after we’re in the air or before we’re in the air?!
Friend 2: I don’t know anything anymore!
(The button flashes faster and then turns a solid light; Friends 1 and 2 slam their hands down on it as the car flies off the track and the parachute deploys. They each grab a side handle and glide through the night air over the beach)
Friend 1: (Peers over at the sea in the distance) I think I see a cruise ship way out there – want to try landing this thing on the top deck for the midnight buffet?
Friend 2: I’m trying not to throw up right now.
Friend 1: (As they continue to glide over the quiet beach with a cool breeze gently flowing over them) You know, if my body wasn’t about to shake itself apart, this would almost be peaceful.
(They and a seagull nearly crash into each other)
Friends 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
Seagull: Hey, watch it! Tourists. (Flies away in a huff)
Friend 1: I didn’t hear that if you didn’t.
Friend 2: (Points to the beach with a non-steering hand) Look! There’s the target!
Friend 1: Great, `cause I think we’re starting to lose both altitude and momentum.
(Each starts pulling on their respective handle)
Friend 2: Wait, I think you pull yours that way and I pull mine this way –
Friend 1: No, that’s taking us too far over; I should pull this way and you should pull that way – (The car continues to descend, not quite over where the target cushion is located)
Friend 2: We’re zigzagging all over the place! What happens if we don’t land on the cushion?!
Friend 1: Hope it’s fast?
Friend 2: You are no help at all! Just keep pull – whoa!
(A figure on the ground had raised a ginormous magnet that captures the car and steadily guides it to the target cushion; the car lands with a gentle thump)
Ride Lander: (Tosses away the magnet and walks over to the car) Are you both conscious?
Friend 1: No, my brain flew off into the stratosphere somewhere back there, but thanks for asking.
Friend 2: We’re fine, thank you.
Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Define “fine”!
Ride Lander: (Unlocks the car, lifts up the shoulder restraints, unbuckles the seat belt, and begins stowing the parachute back into its compartment while Friends 1 and 2 fall out of the car; a crew waits nearby to load it onto a large trailer with other ride cars to drive them back to the pier) Report to the First Aid station if there are any injuries; your purchase of the ride tickets constitute as liability waivers; follow the lighted path to return to the pier; enjoy the rest of your night. (Lifts the ginormous magnet to tractor beam the next car in for a landing as screams fill the air)
(Friends 1 and 2 shakily walk on the path back to the pier)
Friend 1: Just when you thought all the ideas for thrill rides had been used up, some sadistic monster conjures up a new one.
Friend 2: You’re telling me – I used to think that slingshot roller coaster was the ultimate, but I’m constantly proven wrong.
Friend 1: Yeah. We only got to do that one ride tonight and I’m done, for everything.
Friend 2: Same here. (They walk in silence for a few moments) Wanna get some ice cream?
Friend 1: YES.
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