Story 422: Next Year Will Be Different

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Why?

Partygoer 1: …`Cause it’s a new year!  New beginnings, new starts, new initiatives!

Partygoer 2: That’s three ways to say the same thing, and it’ll be none of them.

Partygoer 1: Huh?

Partygoer 2: It’s just another day – the same problems you have right now won’t magically disappear because some arbitrary, human-made, time-telling device says we’ve started a new round of trying to organize the variable, location-dependent seasons into something our puny brains can comprehend.  The only actual real-world impact from tonight is that the Earth has reached the same spot in its orbit where it was last year, which we do every day anyway.  The whole thing is pretty meaningless when you think about it.

Partygoer 1: (Blinks)

Partygoer 2: (Blinks back)

Partygoer 1: Why are you even at this party?

Partygoer 2: Free booze.  (Slurps drink)

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: Woo-boo!  (Throws glitter into the air and spins a noisemaker; to Partygoer 2) You’ll see: next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: Don’t you mean this year now?

Partygoer 1: Oh.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: You again, I see.  So was this year any different from last year?

Partygoer 1: It sure was!  I got a new job and a new house!

Partygoer 2: Wow, that certainly is different.

Partygoer 1: Darn tootin’!  (Spins noisemaker)

Partygoer 2: So: new job to drain your soul and new expenses to drain your bank account?

Partygoer 1: (Looks around shiftily while sipping from a martini glass) Maybe.

Partygoer 2: So: next year you don’t want new beginnings, etc., etc., right?  You already got all that this year so next year shouldn’t be different, right?

Partygoer 1: Well….

Partygoer 2: Go on.

Partygoer 1: I would like a new boss – my current one apparently is an escaped demon.

Partygoer 2: Ah, one of those.

Partygoer 1: And I would like better neighbors – and my mortgage interest rate to go down – and that weird leak to go away – and better –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 2: Whelp, it’s a new year now: time for everything to automatically change no matter what.

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker frantically) Woooo-hooooo!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: (Slurps the free booze) You tell `em.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: (On crutches) It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Good heavens, you look awful.  How’s life treating you now?

Partygoer 1: Well, not so great, actually: I keep getting weird injuries; a few relatives passed away; demon boss hired a demon coworker for me to play with; half of my new house collapsed – you know, the usual.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Swings noisemaker with one hand while holding onto crutches with the other) Wooooooo-hooooooo!!!!!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: I don’t doubt it.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s –

Partygoer 2: Come off it, mate; it’s just me here.

Partygoer 1: Oh right, never mind.

Partygoer 2: At least the crutches are gone now.

Partygoer 1: Only because both knees’ve been replaced.

Partygoer 2: Ouch.

Partygoer 1: Yeah; I was out from work for two months with all that so demon boss had time to turn the rest of the office against me and promote demon coworker, who is now demon boss #2.

Partygoer 2: Ew.

Partygoer 1: Still, I have a job, and the house repairs are coming along, even though I’m still technically only living in half of it.

Partygoer 2: Is that so.

Partygoer 1: Ooh, ooh, I almost forgot – I won the lotto this year!

Partygoer 2: Well, that’s great.

Partygoer 1: Yeah!  Except after taxes it was only about, you know, five bucks.  But it felt nice.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoer 1: It’s funny, all these years and I’ve never asked: how’s your year been?

Partygoer 2: Oh, the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker until the top half flies off) WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Partygoer 2: – but I’m sure next year will be different.

Story 421: The Joy of Wrapping Presents

 DECEMBER 23

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while baking cookies) Hi – what’s up?

Friend 1: (On the phone while walking through a beyond-crowded mall) Oh, not much: just doing my annual last-minute holiday shopping, same as the rest of the world here with me right now.  (Waves to the crowds)

Crowds: (Waving to Friend 1) Hiiiiiii!!!! (Resume frenzy)

Friend 1: You done with your shopping yet?

Friend 2: Hanukkah was over three weeks ago this year, so, yeah.

Friend 1: Right.  Lucky.

Friend 2: Also lucky you and I don’t exchange gifts – one less person to shop for.

Friend 1: Best present ever.  I should be done here in another three hours, but the mall closes in two so everyone’ll just have to take whatever I wind up with by then.

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.

Friend 1: (Passing by a card store) Shoot, I just remembered I also have to get more wrapping paper and bows and all that garbage – maybe four hours.

Friend 2: Why not just get gift bags for everybody?  Then you can throw whatever gift in there and fluff some tissue paper around it and that’s that: minimal effort involved.

Friend 1: Ugh, who wants all gift bags?!  That’s the lazy way out – Christmas unequivocally requires tearing apart massive amounts of paper and high-tensile ribbon to reveal the glory within.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Might be easier on you, though – I’ve seen your wrapping in action, and it’s not pretty.

Friend 1: What?!  I know how to wrap!  (Teenagers passing by start to lay down a beat; to Teenagers) Not “rap” – (Holds up all the shopping bags) “wrap!”

Teenagers: (In realization) Ohhhhhh.... (Move along)

Friend 2: You may know in theory, but the reality has a bit lost in translation.

Friend 1: I’ll show you!  I’ll show ALL OF YOU!

Friend 2: Who else are you talking to?

Friend 1: You know – The World.

Friend 2: `K, I’ll let you get to it then – bye.  (Disconnects the call and leisurely starts a new batch of cookies while humming) I love this time of year.

Friend 1: (Scrambles to put away the phone, dropping every other bag) I hate this time of year!

Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, shoppers: the mall will be closing in 30 minutes – we ask at this time that you please begin to get out –

Friend 1: WHAT?!  (Drops the remaining bags while scrambling to look at a watch) HOW DID I LOSE TWO HOURS?!

Parent: (Passing by, surrounded by small children) Very easily.

 DECEMBER 24

(In apartment, Friend 1 is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by gifts, wrapping paper, bows, ribbons, gift bags, tissue paper, tags, and a pen)

Friend 1: Right.  Start with the biggest one first.  (Grabs an asymmetrical package) Well, no one’d actually expect this this to be wrapped.  (Dumps it into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result)  Right.  Next!  (Grabs a rectangular department store box, measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) Grrrrrr – no, no, mustn’t flip out, I can use the paper for something else, we’ll just try again.  (Measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) GRRRR – OK, skip the box, this’ll be a great gift bag, too.  (Dumps the lump of cloth that was in the box into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result) Right.  Next!  (Grabs a smaller box) OK, can’t mess this one up, right?  (Measures the paper, cuts, and fits it perfectly around the box) Heh-heh-heh-heh – (Reaches for the tape and realizes there is none) Son of a – !

 ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 returns from the local office supply store, slams the front door shut, rips off coat, hat, and gloves, plops back onto the living room floor, rips open the tape box, and inserts the roll into the dispenser, grumbling the whole time)

Friend 1: (Taping the perfectly wrapped box) If one more person gets in my way – I did not cut you in line, you tried to cut me – whoever designed that parking lot hates people – maybe if you put your shopping cat in the conveniently located corral like a decent human being, it wouldn’t have hit both our cars later – (Finishes the tag and views the box) Ah?  Ahahahahaha!  I did it!  Take that!  (Takes a picture of the wrapped gift and sends it to Friend 2; typing) “In… your… face….” (Sends the message and tosses the phone to the floor) Saying I can’t wrap – maybe you can’t wrap.  (Starts on the next gift and receives a message notification)

Friend 2’s Message: Fluke.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Who… asked… you?!”

Friend 2’s Message. (Several seconds later) You did.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Leave me alone, I need to wrap presents for my loving family!”  (Tosses away the phone)

Friend 2’s Unread Message: You’re ridonkulous.

(Friend 1 wraps the remaining gifts in a whirlwind of activity – most of the packages have crooked seams, barely meeting edges, bulging sides, multiple layers of paper to cover bare sections, and bows, ribbons, and tags anywhere and everywhere)

Friend 1: (Stands up on cramped legs, surveying the disaster) Well, they’ll just have to like it or lump it.

 DECEMBER 25

(At Friend 1’s parents’ house, the family tears apart the hours of wrapping to reveal the glory within)

Friend 1: (Wearing a new fuzzy sweater over pajamas) Well Fam, another good haul this year – I thank ye.

Mother: Yes, thank you both, now let’s clean up this mess.

Father: I’ll get the trash bags.  (Trots out of the living room, brushing wrapping debris off of clothes on the way)

Friend 1: (To Mother) I have to ask: honestly, does my wrapping make you ashamed to call me your child?

Mother: Oh honey, why does it even matter?

Friend 1: It’s been brought to my attention, and by asking why it matters you’re revealing that it does.

Mother: (Laughs and hugs Friend 1) Sweetie.  (Pulls back) You’re being ridonkulous.  (Grabs several gifts to start putting things away)

Friend 1: (Stares at the brightly lit and overly decorated Christmas tree, then looks over at the nativity scene on the nearby table; addresses the newly added Baby Jesus) I guess we should all be thankful I don’t have to wrap you.

Story 420: Romping in a Winter Wonderland

 (In a house, three children are having lunch in the kitchen)

Parent: (Bursts in, waving tickets) Well kids, it took me five years but we’re finally making it to the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder, hooray!

Kid 1: (Applauds with a mouth full of sandwich) Hooray!

Kid 2: Hate to be the downer here, but isn’t that place for, you know….

Kid 3: Kids?

Parent: Yes!  And you’re it!  Them.

Kid 2: True, but five years is a long time in this stage of our existence.

Kid 3: Yeah – I started shaving last month.

Kid 1: Wait, this isn’t the roller coaster park that just does the Santa bit this time of year?

Kid 2: Nope: this is full-on North Pole.

Kid 1: Oh.  (To Parent) I have to retract my “Hooray” – isn’t that place for kids?

Parent: WE ARE GOING.

            (At the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder)

Parent: (Shoving Kids into the park) Go on, my lovelies, pick a place where you’d like to start!

Kid 2: (Looks around at the festive buildings) Um… can we get something to eat in Mrs. Claus’s Candy and Cookie Kitchen?

Parent: You just ate breakfast an hour ago!

Kid 2: Tell that to my growing body.  (Holds stomach as it growls in agreement)

Parent: OK, we’ll get some snacks there, then it’s off to Santa’s Workshop, yippee!

Kid 3: Ooh, you think they’ll let me play with the power tools if I ask nicely?

Parent: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(On the extremely long line to see Santa)

Kid 3: Are they gonna make us sit on his lap?

Parent: What do you mean, “make us”?  Don’t you want the full experience of a benevolent father figure granting your heart’s desire?

Kid 3: It’s just that, I think I’m bigger than he is.

Parent: (Waves dismissively) Fine-fine, stand next to him or whatever then.

Kid 2: Can I do that, too?

Kid 1: Me three?

Parent: You two aren’t bigger than he is.

Kid 2: It feels creepy to sit on a stranger’s lap at my age.

Kid 1: Even if he is a right jolly old elf.

Santa Claus: (Waves to the family) Ho-ho-ho, NEXT!  (None of the Kids move)

Parent: You wimps, I’ll do it!  (Runs up to the platform and hops onto Santa’s lap)

Santa Claus: Oof!  You’re quite a big child there, ho-ho-hm.

Parent: Hi Santa, all I want this year is three grateful children, please.

Santa Claus: You and me both – (Holds out a candy cane) take this and scram, you’re cutting off the circulation to my legs.

Parent: (Takes the candy cane and leaps off of Santa Claus) Thank you!  (To Kid 1) Get up there!

Kid 1: (Approaches Santa Claus, remains standing) Hi Santa, could I have a quote-unquote “normal” parent this year?

Santa Claus: Mild embarrassment aside, you don’t know how lucky you have it.  (Tosses a candy cane at Kid 1) Now get outta here and let through the ones who actually want to see me.  (Kid 2 and Kid 3 walk off the line, following Kid 1)

Parent: If those two are gonna skip, can I take their places?

Santa Claus: Don’t be greedy, now beat it!

(The family arrives at a ride featuring flying reindeer)

Parent: Yes!  Let’s go on this one, it’ll be perfect to ride those just as it’s starting to snow!

Kid 1: That sounds more magical than I think it’ll turn out to be.

(They wait on line for an hour, then climb aboard the reindeer that fly in a circle and up-and-down)

Parent: (Waving arms forward) On Dasher, on Dancer, wheee!

Kid 1: (Looking out at the parking lot) Hey, I can see the car from here!

Kid 2: (Looking up) I can see the sun from here!  This is super high, oh-my-gosh!

Kid 3: (Stuck at the bottom of the vertical arc) I think mine’s broken.

(In the car on the way home)

Parent: Well kids, I know this was five years too late for you to fully appreciate it, but I hope you had at least some fun today in this excursion of merriment.

Kid 1: Yeah, the one ride was pretty fun in the blizzard and all.

Kid 2: My favorite was the Elf Chip Cookies.  And the giant hot cocoa with the giant marshmallows.  And the Yule Log Hot Dogs.  And the Peppermint Hamburger Patties.  And the –

Kid 3: I enjoyed seeing the wonder and magic shared by everyone there, and that special feeling only this season brings.  And the Yule Log Hot Dogs were pretty sweet, too.

Parent: That’s the spirit!  And because you all were so good today, I’m going to give you an extra special gift!

Kids 1-3: (Eagerly) What?

Parent: Next year, I’m going without you!

Kid 2: Probably for the best – we’d only slow you down.

Story 419: Delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus

 (In a crowded post office in mid-December)

Postal Worker 1: (Processing transactions on autopilot) Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need guaranteed two-day delivery for an extra $22.65 –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need any stamps –

Customer 1: No-no-no-what’s-the-total?

Postal Worker 1: (Types a few keys after weighing the packages) $172.49.

Customer 1: (Roughly swipes a credit card through the reader on the counter) This is the last time I’m sending those brats what they demand on their gimme list – next year everyone’s getting gift cards and they can buy their own garbage.

Postal Worker 1: That’s my philosophy.  (Moves the packages to another area for shipping and hands over the receipt) Happy Holidays.

Customer 1: (Shoves the receipt into a wallet) Thanks, but they haven’t been for years.  (Navigates through the crowd to the exit in a funk)

Postal Worker 1: (Mutters while running a report on the cash register) I hear ya.  (Peers closer at the computer screen as Customer 2 approaches the counter) What do you mean, the drawer’s short $9.72?!  I’ve barely opened it today!

Postal Worker 2: (Stationed at the next register; does not look up from processing a transaction) All I know is, if this sound system plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” one more time, my brain’s gonna melt right outta my ears.

Postal Worker 1: (Still staring at the computer screen as Customer 2 places a package on the counter) Yeah, that one and “Jingle Bells.”  Or “Deck the Halls.”  Or – you know what, pretty much all of them; just give me silence as the soundtrack for the rest of the year.  (Glances up and sees Customer 2 is a 10-year-old child) Hello, how can I help you today – need any stamps?

Customer 2: I have a delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus, please.

Postal Worker 1: (Turns attention back to the computer screen) Letters to Santa go in the special mailbox in the lobby.

Customer 2: Oh no, this actually is a gift – for Santa and Mrs. Claus.  (Postal Worker 1 looks up sharply) I mean, they give so much to all of us, I just wanted to give them a small token of appreciation, if that’s all right.

Postal Worker 1: (Solemnly straightens up, pulls out a golden whistle from an uniform pocket, and fills the building with a resounding blast – all activity on the line, at the counter, and in the back room come to a complete halt) Attention, staff members: WE HAVE A DELIVERY FOR SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

(The overhead music screeches to a stop; an inner door at the other end of the lobby flies open and a bundled-up figure driving a dogsled bursts through the crowd to stop in front of Customer 2)

Dogsled Driver: (Points to the box) This the package for the Clauses?

Customer 2: (Nods while pulling out money from pants pockets) Yes, please – how much does shipping to the North Pole cost?

Postal Worker 1: (Wiping away tears) It’s free, bless your little child heart!  Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable?

Customer 2: (Pauses, then shakes head) No, nothing like that.  (Picks up the box and hands it to the Dogsled Driver) I think I got here early enough for this to arrive before Christmas Eve, right?

Dogsled Driver: (Straps the box securely to the sled) Oh, don’t you worry young’un: I’ll get this there in less than a day.  (Gestures to the dog team) They fly like the reindeer, and only go on strike half as much.

Lead Dog: That reminds me: we’re due for one on December 28, if that’s convenient.

Dogsled Driver: (Checks a pocket calendar) Yep, all good for a work stoppage then.  (Hops onto the back of the sled)  Mush, please.  (As the dogs pull the sled back through the lobby and out the front door) Onward to the North Pole!

(The other customers and postal workers applaud wildly and weep loudly in equal measure)

Customer 2: (To Postal Worker 1) Wow, thanks – after all this, I hope they like it.

Postal Worker 1: (Loudly blowing nose) Stop, I’m dissolving in a puddle of cuteness overload here!

(In the North Pole, Dogsled Driver arrives at the house of the Clauses, releases the package from its straps, and raps smartly on the front door)

Santa Claus: (Opening the door) Well ho-ho-hold the phone, I haven’t seen you up here in ages!

Dogsled Driver: (Hands over the package) Hiya, Santa – I have a very special delivery for you and Mrs. Claus from a very special child in the Lower 48 of the US of A.

Santa Claus: Aw, isn’t that precious.  (Calls back into the house) Darling!  There’s a delivery – for us!

Mrs. Claus: (Appears in the doorway carrying a blowtorch and lifting up a face shield) Well, that is very kind indeed – (Sees Dogsled Driver) Hello there; why don’t you and your crew come into the kitchen for milk and cookies?  I’ve got them in oatmeal raisin and bacon.

Dogsled Driver: Gee, thanks Mrs. Claus!  You know, I tried extra hard to be good this year –

Lead Dog: Quit yer yappin’: we’re already getting the treats, don’t gild the lily!  (The dogs drag the sled into the house, Driver holding on at the back)

(Santa and Mrs. Claus close the door and bring the package into a brightly decorated room filled with ornament-festooned trees, toys, model villages, and other seasonal knick-knacks.  They open the box and take out several pairs of different-colored comfy socks, along with a note)

Santa Claus: (Reads) “Dear Santa and Mrs. Claus, I hope I got the right sizes, but if not then I hope your magic can take care of that; I included the gift receipts just in case.  Anyway, thank you for all you do every year, and please know that we all appreciate the good will and cheer you bring to this world.  Sincerely, A Grateful Child (My parents say a gift should be given without expecting anything in return so that’s why this is anonymous, but you may know it’s me anyway)”.  Sweet child, Santa always knows!

Mrs. Claus: (Picks up one of the pairs of socks) Oh my, so very cozy!  These’ll be perfect for my sore feet – how thoughtful!

Santa Claus: (While holding up another pair) And just when I was starting to question why I continue to put us all through this.

Mrs. Claus: Don’t you question that every year?

Santa Claus: Some years more so than others.

Story 418: Daylight Diminishing

 FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5

            (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen; to Coworker 2 sitting nearby) You know, it’s afternoons like these that I start to forget what the outdoors look like.

Coworker 2: (Also blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen) Know what you mean, and it’s about to get worse: this Sunday’s when we turn the clocks back an hour.

Coworker 1: (Perks up a bit) Oh yeah?  Sweet – an extra hour of sleep this weekend.

Coworker 2: That we pay for the rest of autumn and all of winter with fewer hours of sunshine during the day.

Coworker 1: Oh.  (Crumples to the desk as this sinks in) Ohhhh, noooo....

Coworker 2: In a month and a half we start getting a minute of sunshine back each day, but, you know, damage has been done.  Sun’s usually gone by 4:30 the latest for ages; I don’t notice a difference until at least March.

Coworker 1: [Groans into the desk]

Coworker 2: Yeah, you’d think we’d all be used to this by now, but it just feels worse every year, at least to me.  Maybe our political representatives will finally pass a bipartisan bill stopping the whole clock-change bit and there’ll be peace throughout the land, but even if that ever happened there’d still be fewer hours of daylight for a bunch of months outta the year, no matter what hemisphere you’re in.  Only way to avoid it is moving to the equator and get 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night all year long, which I’m too lazy to do.

Coworker 1: (Stands up and shuts down the computer) On that note, I’m leaving for the week and going to bed early Saturday night just so I can revel in the extra sleep and not dwell on the cost.

Coworker 2: (Nods as Coworker 1 leaves, still staring at the computer screen) Have a good weekend – see you dim and early on Monday.

 MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8

(Coworker 2 is at the desk, still staring at the spreadsheet, at Coworker 1 enters)

Coworker 1: Mornin’ – I overslept when the random rooster by my apartment complex didn’t do its thing until way later than usual.  How’d you do with the change yesterday?

Coworker 2: Slept about the same four hours I normally do when gaming on weekends.  My own fault.

Coworker 1: (Starts up the computer and settles in for the work week with a sigh) Yep, here we go again, plunging into increasing night – see you on December 21.

 TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21

 Coworker 1: This is it!

Coworker 2: (Awakens from a half-doze while staring at the same spreadsheet from the previous month) Wha-what, another fire drill?

Coworker 1: No, I’m talking about how today’s the day where we take back the sun!

Coworker 2: (Rubs eye) All right, I admit it, my brain was taking a break back there and is still restarting – maybe say it again slower?

Coworker 1: (Picks up a desktop calendar and points to the date) Winter solstice!  Now our hemisphere’ll start tilting toward the sun again and we’ll get back more hours of daylight, woo-ho!  (Picks up the desk phone to speak into the receiver) Too bad for you all Down Under, but we northerners have suffered enough!  (Hangs up triumphantly)

Coworker 2: You realize it’s only a minute a day, right?

Coworker 1: I don’t care!  I just feel so much better about everything now that the days will be brighter longer!  Our star’s the best, isn’t it?  (Beamingly stares out the window)

Coworker 2: If you’re looking for the sunset to take place a smidgen later than it did yesterday, our windows face east on this side of the building.

Coworker 1: (Still smiling out the window) I know!

Coworker 2: (Turns back to the computer screen and mutters) Oh my.

 MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office, beelines to Coworker 2 and whispers frantically) Can I talk to you about something?

Coworker 2: Not if you’re going to be creepy about it, no.  (Points to Coworker 1’s chair) Go sit in your spot and tell me from over there like normal.

Coworker 1: (Sits, wheels chair over, and whispers again) I don’t want to say this too loudly and start a panic –

Coworker 2: There’s one other employee on this floor after last year’s budget cuts, so no fear of that.

Coworker 1: Here goes: I don’t think we got the sun back.

Coworker 2: (Looks around the sunlight-filled room) Want to try that again?

Coworker 1: Oh yes, it’s still there, it’s always physically there, but I don’t think we got any of the minutes back like we were promised.  What I mean is, I don’t think the Northern Hemisphere is tilting toward again it like it’s supposed to.

Coworker 2: Whaddya mean?  It’s been lighter longer lately.

Coworker 1: No it hasn’t!

Coworker 2: Well yeah, I believe I said eons ago that you’re not going to notice a real difference until about spring, but we should have, what, about two hours back now?  Still early evening when the sun’ll set.

Coworker 1: Exactly!  Why is why I’m extremely concerned that we don’t!

Coworker 2: (Blinks slowly) We don’t?

Coworker 1: No!  The sun still sets at 4:30 in the afternoon!  We haven’t gotten back squat!

Coworker 2: But I thought… huh, now that you mention it, I guess it is still setting that early; I never notice things like that.

Coworker 1: Exactly again!  Which is what they’re counting on, until it’s too late!

Coworker 2: “They” who?  Whom?  Who?

Coworker 1: The ones who froze Earth at this tilt on its axis so Up Over is on permanent winter and Down Under is on permanent summer!  That region’s residents were my first suspects, but now they have that much longer exposure to UVB-skin-cancer-causing rays and who would willingly do that to themselves?!

Coworker 2: I think you’re just being paranoid – it’s been a rough winter yet again, and you don’t seem to be handling it well.  (Turns back to the computer screen)

Coworker 1: I’ll remind you of that in a few weeks.

 MONDAY, MARCH 14

Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office) Well?!

Coworker 2: (Still staring at the same spreadsheet from two seasons ago) Well what?

Coworker 1: We sprung ahead an hour yesterday morning: did you happen to notice anything yesterday evening?!

Coworker 2: Yeah, I noticed I was still tired from the lost hour of sleep – really threw off my game.

Coworker 1: No; did you happen to notice the sun IS STILL SETTING AT 4:30 P.M.?!

Coworker 2: (Thinks on this a bit, then shrugs) Maybe it’ll set a bit later today, then.

Coworker 1: No it won’t, it’ll be exactly the same as it’s been for the past four months!  The Earth continues on its orbit but it is no longer wobbling on its axis, and no one else seems to have noticed this but me!!!  All news outlets have been mum, no one has taken the bait when I posted this on social media, and even the conspiracy theorists haven’t pounced on this gold mine of an actual conspiracy!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while making an edit to one cell on the spreadsheet) So what if it’s not tilting anymore?  Not a big deal if the sun sets at the same time every day, doesn’t bother me, it seems to fit everything else that’s wrong with this world.

Coworker 1: (Sinks slowly onto the chair) Doesn’t bother – ?!  But the crops – animal migrations – the magnetic poles – the planet will EXPLODE, don’t you see that?!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while typing) Then good riddance, I guess.

Coworker 1: No-no-no, not good riddance, we have to do something!

Coworker 2: Like what?  Go out and push it?

Coworker 1: Couldn’t hurt!

(That afternoon the sun sets at exactly 4:30 p.m.)

Coworker 1: (Jumps up and points at the night sky outside the window) You see!  You see!  No extra sunshine, no extra daytime, all the plants will wither, and we’re all doomed!

Coworker 2: (Stares out the window with narrowed eyes) Hmmm….

Coworker 1: What’re we gonna do?!

Coworker 2: (Turns away from the window and adds another row to the spreadsheet) Same thing we do with everything else: just keep doing what we’ve been doing, and distract ourselves with any entertainment we can find in the meantime.

Coworker 1: You – !  (Silently freaks out for a few moments, then sits heavily on the chair) All right: since we’ll never get any superpowers to fix this thing, that’s as good a suggestion as any.